He saw me

Today I saw Brandon. I was very nervous because of the (honest) email I sent him.
Of course when I got there and most of the time I was all closed up. But he still saw me, knew how I was doing and it touched me and made me so incredibly sad at the same time.

He described to be (on a scale from 0 to 10)  that when you’re either on 0 or 10 you can’t live.. It’s either too cold (0) or too hot (10).
He said I’m probably on 0,5. Barely living. And it’s very ‘normal’ to feel dead at this point.

I don’t even know how to describe the talk we had. It was intense and heaviness of it all, the realisation, Brandon actually mentioning I’m barely alive (or dying, you name it) made me even cry more.

I’m glad he cares. He is one of the very few.

It’s weird to be at this critical stage now that I’m doing so much with my life (going out, study plans etc).

He wanted to schedule an appointment for monday. Another thing that shows his care and concern. It’s not like him to want to see me twice a week.


Spam comments


There is a filter on wordpress, who filters comments on what they think might be spam. I did look at the thing once or twice, but not much (since it was spam). But I had over 100 spam comments, so I looked at it. Unfortunately there are a lot of comments under spam, and I’m not sure why yet.
I’m sorry if anybody got the feeling of being ignored! I did unspam the comments, but if I missed something, feel free to contact me. (Contact-thing is on the ‘about me’ page)

Take care everyone!


Ps. it’s really confusing! Some things seem like spam but aren’t.. and others do make me doubt, because it seems a little weird, but then again, I’m not sure.



Oh my.. I have been doing ok the last few hours! :O
I am so afraid it’ll change, I’m practically afraid to move my head to the right. Anyway, I’m going to bed now, hoping I wont get scared of anything. Just take a cup of tea with me and watch some Spongebob (it’s childish, but it’s so stupid sometimes, it’s funny 😛 )

Planning on asking for a talk with Brandon tomorrow. Lets hope it’s possible!


Very worried about my bestie, she’s feeling so bad right now 😦 and I can hardly get in contact with her… I’ll send her a goodnight text (with some lyrics she likes) and tell her I’m here for her. Hope it’ll help her.

Big hug to Justy, sweety, here for you ❤

Password on a blogpost

Hi everyone,

Although I do strive to be as open as possible. I do want to protect my own boundaries when something doesn’t feel right (yet).
I do have a blog post with very painful information, and just thoughts about somethings. I do want to share it, but it feels too open, to just be here, and for everyone to google and come here. Although I feel embarrassed about it, if someone else would write this, I’d tell her that there is absolutely NO need to be embarrassed about it at all! So I guess I should tell myself that aswell.
So I thought of how to put it here, without it being so open.
There is an option to post something on your blog that is password protected. I’m going to use that. Everyone is free to read it, I’ll put the password in the comment below.
However, its VERY difficult for me, but I want to be open. It’s also very painful and embarrassing, because I do still feel ashamed about everything. Although, that might not be necessary.

I’ll tell you here about the blog post called “Is there any connection between abuse and ‘uterus-problems’?”. It IS triggering. I wont go into detail about the abuse, but I will about the effects and how it made me feel. Which also means, I’ll talk about my periods and how I deal with them. So to some guys/man/girls/women it might be too much or maybe too triggering.
I’ll warn above the post again. But I wanted to put it here aswell.

Think about yourself and if you are able to handle reading it right now. There’s no shame in just skipping it (for now).



Hi everyone!

I thought a good first blog might be about what CPTSD is. First of all I want to say that this is all from my point of view and how I have been told. If someone disagrees with me, feel free to comment or something, make me aware of what you think is wrong or you disagree about and then we could talk about that. I am always willing to listen to your point of view and see if we can understand each other.

PTSD is a known disorder. Mostly because the people who have been in war, or just in the army and have been to maybe dangerous places could develop ptsd. PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So basically it means that you had a traumatic experience which you havent properly processed, because of that you could have all kind of symptoms which disturb your daily life and that is what (I believe) they call a disorder (and in this case a post traumatic stress Disorder). Although I feel people are quite known about PTSD, I feel people overlook some things that are also PTSD-related but have a little bit more symptoms. In my case that’s CPTSD. CPTSD stands for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Basically it means with PTSD you have experienced a traumatic incident, but it had a clear beginning and end, perhaps you even may have been supported by family and friends to overcome this or help you process this. Things you may think about is a car accident, witnessing a murder, rape, being beat up. As far as I know, it is a one time thing, very painful and stressful of course, but its pretty clear and the science is also pretty clear about the effects and how to process that.

CPTSD often means you had a traumatic experience which lasted for a while. So you can think of being in a war, concentration camps, being abused, bullied and in my case childhood trauma.

CPTSD is different from PTSD as in that its a little bit more complex, you can experience more symptoms, it can be harder to diagnose because of the other symptoms you have which can relate to other ilnesses (such as eating disorders, borderline, psychosis). Besides the treatment is different as well, and takes up more time.
By the way, I do believe someone can have CPTSD AND an eating disorder/borderline etc.

Ofcourse I would never say CPTSD is worse than PTSD. However I feel people might not understand CPTSD because of the things you might hear of PTSD. Also I think there’s very little information on the internet and I would like to share my thoughts and struggles while I’m dealing with CPTSD. Maybe someone can relate, or a family member/parter might recognize some things and it will be able to talk about things.

This for now.
I’ll write another blog soon!