Secrecy

Secrecy was a code I practiced for my life. I regret that to this day – Cyntoia Brown

I can really relate to this quote said by that girl, although she was very young.. those words are full of wisdom.

Anyhow. Trauma comes with so much secrecy and at some point I don’t know if I became good at hiding it from others or also good at hiding it from myself. Either way.. I think I’m carrying around a secret. For over a year now. It has nothing to do with trauma! I want to make that really clear. But, it’s bringing me down like hell. For over a year now. I don’t know if I ever even realized it was a secret. Or I don’t even know if secret is the right words. All I know is that nobody, literally nobody knows how much this is torturing me. There are a few people, and by a few, I think I mean 2 (Brandon and a friend of mine) who know that this occupies my mind every now and then… but the joke is, it’s not just every now and then.

I want to get rid of this. But how do I get rid of this, when I don’t ever talk about it?
The reason I’m writing this is I haven’t told anyone because I am SO ashamed of myself. Of this. I couldn’t even admit it to myself. I am very sure people will judge me for it, hell I even judge myself for it! But the shame is very trauma related.. and I know I need Brandon for that. But I don’t want to tell him. It should be simple, living with this pain or just tell someone. I know Brandon doesn’t judge. But I can’t stand this. And I can’t stand telling someone something, or trying to, without knowing the words for it.

It’s all too complicated.
I find myself crying all evening, and not knowing what to do. But I do know the cause. God knows I’ve tried everything. My head feels like a torture device.