I yearn for some credit

Hi,

When I look at myself right now and a year ago, a lot has changed. At some point I do feel nothing has changed (I can still feel like shit and stuff… but..).

But, I’ve got to say, I do get out of the house.
A year ago, I had therapy, twice a week.

So my week would be.

Monday – Therapy
Tuesday – Home
Wednesday – Home
Thursday – Therapy
Friday – Home
Saturday – Home
Sunday – home

I Hated the weekends, capital h, and I rarely did something outside.
I did feel like crap and all.

But here and now, my past/current week:

Monday – Met with a friend in the afternoon, later went to a festival with another friend and had some drinks with her, came home about 11 pm
Tuesday – Justy came over and had a nice afternoon/evening with her
Wednesday – Home! (Oh no πŸ˜‰ )
Thursday – Met with another friend and spend the whole afternoon with her and in the evening I went to work.
Friday – Home. I spent some time with my mum.
Saturday – I’ll go visit my future puppy (I’ll explain later) & will go over to a friend for a sleepover with other girls
Sunday – go back home but meet with another friend in the afternoon.

I see difference…. Don’t you? Besides! The first friend from monday + the friend from thursday where both people I reached out to because I felt I needed some contact.
Even when I feel I have no one to reach out to, I can even go out side and just walk around and it’ll make me feel a little better.

Maybe they’re all small things, but it’s a real big difference to me.

About the sweet little dog. I’m getting a puppy πŸ™‚ she’s real small right now, 5 weeks actually, she’s still with her momma, so I’m just gonna pay a visit. But at the end of May I’m allowed to take her home πŸ˜€ .
Then we’ll be a family of four πŸ™‚ with my two cats and me.

That’s me…
Doing pretty ok actually with the oxazepam in me. I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, or even type it. I don’t want to jinx it.. but I’m being stable.. just looking at my life week by week, and it’s ok πŸ™‚

xoxo
Brianna

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Why does recovery take so long with childhood trauma?

Hi,

I kind of wanted to write something from my point of view about why recovery takes ‘so long’ with childhood trauma. Of course the ‘so long’ part actually is often called so long in other people’s eyes, but to be honest, I think it’s taking too long sometimes as well.

This is all written from my point of view and also my experience. So I am only speaking for myself.
In my situation, the trauma started at a very young age, I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t living in a traumatic situation. I know, and have been told that the physical abuse was always a part of my life. As well as the emotional neglect.

As a child, I was being raised by my parents. A little by my environment and school and stuff. But mainly my parents. They form me. Like you can form clay, a child is very flexible, as the child grows older (the clay gets harder) and it’s it takes a form. The form which is set by the parents.

I often see it as programmed. I have been programmed a certain way. Some of my core beliefs are very hard and a result from trauma, for instance, my father is ‘the king’ and I must please him, no matter what (it costs me).

Of course as I grow older, or as the child grows older, I do start thinking on my own, and when I was 15 I got ‘rescued’ out of my home situation, and especially my thinking (rational) part could start to adapt more. It could start to adapt more to the law. For instance about what is right and wrong, no matter if it’s your father, uncle, neighbor, mother, grandmother or a stranger.
But, here is the twist, my hard drive/program/core beliefΒ is still the same. I am still, emotionally, the same shape as I was knead by my parents.

So my head can say ‘it’s ridiculous to please your father, if it’s that damaging to myself’, but deep down inside, I feel I still need to please him.

I understand all the things people are saying. Logically I do. Phrases like ‘snap out of it’/’don’t you get it?’ are jus not relevant. Because I do.
It takes a lot of time (and pain) for the original form to maybe even break down and build up again.

Right now I’m feeling that I am moving a little bit more forward, but that took a long time! And to be honest, rationally I may not know anything much different than one or two years ago. But people around me held on, believed in me, supported me, kept showing me what was right… and I guess that really helped.

So why does it take so long?
It takes long because I was programmed this way, and it takes a long time to reprogram. It’s not impossible. It just takes time, effort, patience.

I am beyond thankful for the people in my life who are showing me this precious light that I feel I never knew, it’s so pretty. It confuses me because I feel I don’t deserve it, and yet they keep on showing it. It brings me to tears, brings me confusion, brings me love, brings me pain, but most of all, brings me joy.
Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

Recovery; where am I?

Hi,

The last few days have been pretty good actually! I was quite busy but in a good way. Meeting up with people and just socializing πŸ™‚ felt real good!

Today I talked to Justy (who I met up with yesterday as well!) about therapy and something Brandon and I are ‘argue-ing’ about sometimes.
And it gave me some insights, well, she gave me some insights.

The conversation with Brandon sort of goes like this. (btw, remember me wanting my topomax from the pharmacy, because it helps against nightmare’s?)

Brandon; You need to take responsibility for your life
Me; No! This life is not my responsibility. I’ll accept my past and move on from here, see what I can do with the things that are left.
Brandon; Your nightmares are your responsibility.
Me; No, I don’t like that word. I’ll accept them, but they’re not my responsibility, I didn’t choose them.
Brandon; Whose responsibility are they then? The women from the pharmacy?
Me; Well… they’re OUR responsibility

Justy immediately said he was testing me. I asked her, testing me for what?…… Testing me on how far along I probably am in coming to terms with my past. I don’t think it’s a secret that I can be stubborn. Especially not on this blog πŸ˜‰ At this moment, I refuse to call my past, and the things I’m stuck with, my responsiblity. But as I was talking with Justy about this, I felt and just knew it was a matter of time before I would be able to replace the word accept to responsiblity.

I do think refusing to take responsibility is a little ‘childish’ of me, and not in a particularly negative way. It just seems to me that I’m not ready yet to accept that it’s really true what happened. And it really can’t be changed, by no-one. I really can’t get my childhood back. I really won’t get a father and a mother, the way I want to. I really won’t be able to turn back time, or be able to erase the memories.Β 

But untill then, I seem to cover it up with ‘acceptance’, untill I am ready to take the acceptance blanket off. I already know what’s lying underneath. It’s responsibility.

xoxo
Brianna

Windless

Hi,

I think it’s fair to say I spend the last 3 days in crisis. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. A lot of tears, pain, triggers, and pills came with. I desperately tried to keep my head above the water by just grabbing pills and numbing myself, by calling Polly and asking for her help. Calling my mother. Brandon..
Today I think I’m out. I think I’m ok, I think I made it through.

I have only cried once today, which is pretty normal for me. I actually laughed and played some music. Went outside, fed myself etc.

I am so so so sorry for nagging, and I don’t want to be ungrateful, or someone who always has something to complain about. Right now I’m experiencing a lot of loneliness again. To be honest, I am amazed by the fact I got through this horrific crisis without any self harm. No cutting, no overdose, no suicide attempt. I kinda want to scream it out at Abraham just to have him tell me how proud he is.

I have noticed myself sometimes saying ‘I want Abraham’, as Justy explained to me, sometimes due to childhood trauma, feelings can be something weird. Not really recognized. But people are. I can’t deny that. What I, and a lot of other people, do/did, I matched Abraham to a feeling of safety. So when I say ‘I want Abraham’ I might just be saying I want to feel save.
Right now, I do want Abraham, but I feel save, so I know I want the company, the laughter, the smiles and giggles.
I know that ‘I want Abraham’ has 2 meanings, safety or actually Abraham him-self.

I’m out of this crisis storm and just ready to get back up on my feet. Don’t want to take everything too quick, but want to leave this nasty feeling behind me.
I decided and sorted some things out on the internet, I do not have the money to finish my high school properly in a normal way ( like High School for adults πŸ˜‰ ), so it’ll probably be a home study, but, let’s be honest, things like Biology and German are not really things that are easy for me so I’ll have to find a tutor for that.
In the mean time I can do volunteer work and make sure I’m still surrounded by people and not rotting away on my couch. πŸ˜‰

So that’s my plan and I’m pretty confident about it right now πŸ™‚
I hope there’s some sort of financial support that I can get, because my mum and I literally are squeezing ourselves into corners to just have everything go smoothly.
But finishing school and having my diploma can get me into the University for studying and then work sooo in the end it has to be worth it.

xoxo
Brianna

I don’t even know what to say

Hi,

As today is monday, I had therapy.

It started out quite chaotic. I didn’t sleep well, and I got a call in the morning from the cab company that the taxi would be 20 minutes late (remember my last post? “I seem like a normal girl, on the outside”), since I knew my last reaction to the whole taxi-is-late, I tried to calm myself down with the thoughts of how it all turned out last time and it was okay to be late and I’d be able to get enough out of the therapy day in the end. (For me at that time it was very important to be at the beginning, because we discuss the weekend and to be honest, I really wanted to talk about mine, since I had a hard time, just in the hope that someone would notice me).

The taxi arrived (45 minutes late) and when I got at therapy I got in time to discuss my weekend after all! Only got stressed out a little so that’s a huge improvement from last time! πŸ™‚
After that we had psycho-education. The topic was intimacy and trust. Well it’s not just the words that make me shiver. It was all very confronting, and I do remember the first few things said, and that it really felt like smack in the face (I even remember thinking at some point “Oh, I want to copy this into my blog! Because I really recognize myself in this!”), I did mention out loud that it was hard for me to read this because it was so confronting.

At the end of the whole psycho-education, Brenda was screaming her lungs out. The topic was something about sexuality and touching and… UGH. I just couldn’t keep control. I do remember someone asking me if I was still there with them, and I just don’t really know what happened, at some point I do remember looking her in the eyes and just being scared and not knowing how to use my voice and not wanting to use my voice. Afraid to talk. Afraid to even open up my mouth.
I walked out of the therapy room (away from the group, the therapist asked me if it would be good for me to take a walk, just to stay in the present).

I just don’t know where I went wrong. I remember being in the bathroom. With my head against the door and just pressing my fist against my mouth.
My head was all fuzzy.

Anyway, the whole day was weird and cloudy. I got the feeling that the therapists are mad at me and they don’t really like me. At the end of the day (which I struggled to get through, and often doubted if I should go ask for an individual talk) I just gave up and decided to go play nice and just go home. When it was my turn to talk about the day I said; “My day was okay! Tomorrow I’ll see Polly, and I’ll be here again on Wednesday”. And then the therapist asked me if I really was ok, and the whole thing sort of came out. No, I wasn’t ok. I felt horrible.

I felt and still feel like you all hate me! (I didn’t say that though, like they’d admit that to my face)

Did tell her I felt horrible and she told me she was glad I told the truth because she thought I felt bad.

Anyway, I still feel horrible. I feel so disconnected from my body. If I could describe it. My head is about 4 meters above the laptop, and above this body and these weird hands are typing this. I feel this weird feeling in the back of my head/neck and I don’t know.
xoxo
Brianna

The ocean of depression and beach of stability

Hi,

So this whole recovery thing is really what I want to do. No doubt.

But sometimes, like now, I feel like I’m balancing in the middle.

Since I like to paint a picture (in my mind) I did it again. Like I’m used to living in the ocean.. ocean of depression and full of depressed feelings and self harm/suicidal feelings/thoughts/actions, abuse, depressing songs, depressing movies… you know? Just feeling miserable. It feels like home at some point, because I’ve been living there all my life.. I’m like a mermaid….. (lol). But it’s not working, I want to live on the shore. But sometimes it’s so cold and I long for the ocean and it find myself purposely looking up sad songs on youtube and playing them and just laying myself down in that ocean of depression. In stead of just lying on the beach of stability which gives me a feeling of restlessness.. like something’s wrong, something is just not right when I’m there. and I feel miserable when I’m in the ocean, but I feel like I’m where i belong, you know?Β 

I know the beach is unknown for me and I must remind myself every freaking minute of every freaking day that I do belong on the beach, and I must resist the temptation of the ocean because in the long run, the ocean just does not work ( I tried and well it just does not.. look at me now πŸ˜‰ ) but still it’s so hard.Β 

It’s not a christmas break. Because I’m still stuck with myself. I’m not on holiday, I’m still stuck with myself. I can’t have a nice time, because I’ll always be stuck with myself.Β 
Jeez, that sounds depressing, but it’s just a 24/7 job, and it’s irritating.Β 

This afternoon I kinda collapsed after bestie went away. Brenda had a HUGE scream moment. I just went to bed and slept for 4 or 5 hours, but right now I think I’m going to bed again, just going to put on a movie or something like that.Β 

Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, don’t get me wrong, love my sister.Β 
But she can’t see me in pain, or sad, or something like that, because it hurts her. So I have to be smiling and put my mask on all day long.Β 
Friday I have a vacation day (Betty called it like that), permission to lie in bed all day and do NOTHING. For one day at least.Β 

Well off to bed I am.Β 
Gonna take baby girl with me =)Β 

xoxo
BriannaΒ 

Christmas tree

Hi,

So since I’ve been raised in a Catholic family we’ve always celebrated Christmas + a tree of course.
This is my first time calibrating christmas on my own, making my own plans, doing what I want to do, not being forced to do what others want me to do. But it’s the first time I also realize my mother thinks her boyfriend is more important than her daughter etc. It’s ok.
I got a christmas tree and it turned out to be quite some fun. Baby girl ‘helped’ me set it up πŸ˜‰ baby boy was very afraid haha.

I bought all new things for in the tree + I got all the old stuff from my grandma ❀ which was promised to me πŸ™‚
So my Christmas tree is half mine half my grandmothers πŸ˜€

It’s a real Brianna tree πŸ™‚ on top of it there’s a pink rose!
All kinds of coloured balls.
I got 3 stars with a small frame in them. I’m going to put 3 pictures in them, from the people who gave me a lot of positivity this year πŸ™‚ Bestie, Abraham and Justy ❀
+ a small little angel for all the people battling with ptsd and/or still being abused
IMG_8772

I’m gonna try to make something of christmas this year… my own traditions.. πŸ™‚ things I am comfortable with.. not what society expects of me =)
xoxo
Brianna

 

Memories; Am I allowed to die now?

TRIGGER warning! About death/suicide and just depressing stuff

Hi,

This is a big trip down memory lane, well… not big as in far behind, must have been like 5 or 6 months ago? I am really bad at time though.

NOTEBOOK
Who remembers this from the movie ‘The Notebook’?
(If you haven’t seen the movie, you might want to stop reading, because I’ll be spoiling it! It’s really a must see! Very beautifully romantic πŸ™‚ )

So the movie is about these 2 love birds, and in the end of the movie, (the woman is sick) and she dies in bed, while holding her partner’s hand and him lying next to her. If I remember correctly, he dies shortly after her as well. (Of a broken heart? I don’t remember him being sick though) Anyway, they both died in this position (as the photo above)

Uhm.. so for now, let’s delete the romantic part πŸ˜‰

“Am I allowed to die now?”
Was a big question in my mind about 5 or 6 months ago.
I knew the procedure (to request euthanasia), I had everything planned out.

Of course dying is scary, but I’ve been fighting for an ok live for over 20 years and I was done. I really believed that I had given it enough time and everything. I was just done.
*cough* Abraham… was in the picture then as well. He didn’t like me wanting to request euthanasia. It all went pretty ugly, I did feel a little manipulated in my choice (by therapy, not Abraham) and in the end I didn’t formally request. But I was so sure of them accepting my request, you can’t deny the fight I have delivered. The pain I caused and keep on causing my mother/sister/bestie(/+ Abraham at that time) by living. I have fought, been in therapy for 8 or 9 years, nobody seems to know what to do, or how to help me. How could they say no? How could they deny me a death with dignity, and force me to hang myself, slit my wrists or jump in front of a train (which in the end, all of the things will have a chance of traumatizing the person finding me/hitting me).

But I had it planned out.
I did describe how I felt save with Abraham somewhere in my blog.
Yes I was scared of death, of course, of what might come, but I thought nothing could be worse than my life and the pain I’m causing others. And then I thought.. I’m gonna ask Abraham to be with me, I’d want him close enough so he’ll be able to hold me, and then.. I wont be afraid of anything anymore. I know it’ll be okay (death ofcourse..)
You’re here, there is nothing I fear
I was SO sure of that. I never asked him, because I wanted to wait, to make sure everything was ok and then maybe make sure he was ok with it, to be with me at that moment. But I was planning on asking him. I thought and knew it would be the most peaceful death I could ever wish for.

I stumbled on that picture yesterday, and suddenly this all popped in to my head again. Made me a little sad.

I am not in the right place now to answer the question ‘Are you glad you’re still alive?’
Rationally I’d say; yes of course! Found new hope.
Emotionally I’d say; No, I’m not glad and I regret missing that opportunity.

But since I know (rationally πŸ˜‰ ) that there were times since that I’ve been flying high since then, and that it’s not clever to make a drastic choice (answer) like that when you’re emotional. I’d say, ignore what I’m saying emotionally, and listen to what I’m saying rationally.

xoxo
Brianna

(This is my 98’s post by the way! It’s all going so quick!)

Am I climbing up?

Hi,

I have been very quiet on Word Press and mainly just because I am ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my behaviour yet not willing to change it because I felt I deserved it.
Right now I think I’m moving up, SLOWLY, but surely. I had a really hard couple of days.

Trigger Warning
There was a lot of self harm in the past few days and a lot of triggers. Just something inside of me demanding me to harm myself because I deserve to be harmed. I needed to be in constant pain. Thursday was the worst I guess. I did harm myself and it just kept bleeding, I was too afraid to go to the doctors but after 5 hours (and the doctors being closed) I got scared. It still didn’t stop. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my mum so I told her before hand that I did harm myself and it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. (5 hours later) She looked a little confused and said ‘the store is only open till 8 pm’. It felt as a huge rejection (I don’t deserve medical treatment) and we went to the store. I was beyond angry and upset with my mother. After going back to the car after getting the grocery’s I cried and asked her why I am not important enough? At least not more important than grocery’s. She said she got confused and didn’t know what to do. I told her I did want to see a doctor.
Of course being VERY ashamed of harming myself and then going to the doctors, I came in with my tail between my legs and there was a very nice woman doctor who helped me. She asked me why I did it & I said ‘i hate my body’ she said ‘that must be awful’.. yeah, you can get angry about this but I do feel she meant it so I said ‘yeah..’. She asked me to see the wound and ofcourse now that I AM at the doctors it stopped! So it was still very nasty and since it had been about 6 hours it wasn’t anyting pretty. She said she wanted to stitch it up and make the scar more ‘pretty’.. but I told her she didn’t need to and I’d be ok with a plaster. For the first time the doctor was ok with wat I wanted with the wound. The area around it is still a but numb but I guess that’ll stay like that.
Yesterday (Friday) I did harm myself again and a lot, but not that deep. Which meant it hurt much more. So after breaking down again in front of my mum I did manage to go to bed that night WITHOUT cutting! Right now it’s saturday and it’s 4.43 pm and I haven’t cut. I am a little proud of myself, though I do feel the need coming up, I’m just gonna try to be ok with not cutting and not wanting to punish myself.

So it’s hard yeah.. but we’ll make it through right?
I really hope this is it. That this was rock bottom and I’m going up again.
Looking back at this year.. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It went ok as in I have therapy and got a lot out of myself, however I had a few down moments as well. Moments where I could have died if it turned out wrong.

I hope to be a little more active and a little more positive again.

They don’t even know you
All they see is scars
They don’t see the angel living in your heart
Let them find the real you, buried deep within.
Let them know with all you’ve got.. that you are NOT your skin.

Not ready to call myself an angel πŸ˜‰ , but I do know I have a good part as well. I am not all bad.

xoxo
Brianna

How CPTSD feels to me

IMG_5687
(
as far as I know these pictures were free to use, if not, feel free to contact me & I’ll remove it!)

I put this collage together with pictures from google, which is a good description to me about how (c)PTSD feels to me.

Pills (to numb everything), loneliness (walking alone, no people around you who understand you, labelled as mental, psychiatric patient, being an outcast), sadness (crying because the pain feels unbearable and rips you apart from the inside), broken (feeling broken, unfixable) and scared (childish fears).

It all seems negative, which it maybe is, but it’s also true in how I feel sometimes

But I do want to put the opposite here as well.

Pills to numb feels good, but we don’t need to. We ARE strong enough to hold our head above the water when every feeling washes over us.
Loneliness, yeah there aren’t much people who understand us. But not much means there are STILL people! Thank you WordPress and Twitter for bringing me in contact with these people, for those people to inspire me to hold on, and to those people to show me it does get better. And there are also people who TRY to understand, and try to help you where they can (though WE must do most of the work)
Sadness, it IS sad. It IS painful. It IS ok to cry about that. To grieve. But don’t forget we ARE strong enough to keep our head above the water! The pain does not define us.
Broken, we’re not broken, we are BENT and we CAN learn to love again (Pink – Just give me a reason πŸ˜‰ ) it IS true. CPTSD IS treatable. And you can live a worthy life after/ the (c)ptsd. (or when you work on stabalizisation) with (c)ptsd
Scared, its OK to be scared. It’s ok to be alert. But don’t let childish fears (and by childish i don’t mean childish as in silly, but childish as in the fears you had when you were a child which WERE rightful and correct. You are older, stronger now. You ARE in control now. Take the control over your own life.
We HAVE a right to exist!

HOPE
I wont give up on us!
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up.

Cause even the stars, they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I am here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

I wont give up on us.
Ps. The glee cover of this song is my favourite! (Glee – I wont give up on us)Β 

By the way, this doesn’t mean I am doing perfect/good/the best. I am still in my process of recovering, and dealing/walking and falling down. But there’s nothing wrong with some positivity every now and then right? πŸ™‚

Big hug to you all! πŸ™‚
And one extra to you Justeramaajarvi!

xoxo
Brianna