Secrecy

Secrecy was a code I practiced for my life. I regret that to this day – Cyntoia Brown

I can really relate to this quote said by that girl, although she was very young.. those words are full of wisdom.

Anyhow. Trauma comes with so much secrecy and at some point I don’t know if I became good at hiding it from others or also good at hiding it from myself. Either way.. I think I’m carrying around a secret. For over a year now. It has nothing to do with trauma! I want to make that really clear. But, it’s bringing me down like hell. For over a year now. I don’t know if I ever even realized it was a secret. Or I don’t even know if secret is the right words. All I know is that nobody, literally nobody knows how much this is torturing me. There are a few people, and by a few, I think I mean 2 (Brandon and a friend of mine) who know that this occupies my mind every now and then… but the joke is, it’s not just every now and then.

I want to get rid of this. But how do I get rid of this, when I don’t ever talk about it?
The reason I’m writing this is I haven’t told anyone because I am SO ashamed of myself. Of this. I couldn’t even admit it to myself. I am very sure people will judge me for it, hell I even judge myself for it! But the shame is very trauma related.. and I know I need Brandon for that. But I don’t want to tell him. It should be simple, living with this pain or just tell someone. I know Brandon doesn’t judge. But I can’t stand this. And I can’t stand telling someone something, or trying to, without knowing the words for it.

It’s all too complicated.
I find myself crying all evening, and not knowing what to do. But I do know the cause. God knows I’ve tried everything. My head feels like a torture device.

The need to sweep it under the rug

Hi,

I am writing this blogpost right now, because I feel the need to sweep something under the rug, which is my last blog post. Why? I am ashamed. Ashamed of my behaviour, ashamed of my thoughts.. ashamed of myself.

I am calmed down at the moment, had a tough but good day at therapy + a good talk with Brandon. However VERY tired right now, actually exhausted, but I didn’t feel ‘okay’ with that post being at the top of the page. I do want to be honest here, and I don’t want to sweep, so I decided this is a good in between. The post is still there, and here I am, writing a new one, explaining why. 😛

I long for my bed, (just turned my head and looked outside, its DARK!) even though it’s dark, although I don’t really know how I feel about that to be honest.
I’ll probably go eat some dinner and make myself ready for bed.

Polly will be here tomorrow and we’ll probably talk about some place I may be able to go to, during weeks, it’s a sort of living room, for people with mental health issue’s, who are stuck at home and just want to ‘hang out’ out side, but don’t know what to do. You can eat (lunch) there as well, for the people who have eating disorders and trouble with eating. There are people there to talk, but you can just go there and read something. Anyway, I heard a lot of good things about it! So I’m a little bit excited about that 🙂

I’m gonna drag this tired body to the kitchen, put some dinner in the oven, and hopefully have a peaceful evening 🙂 (peaceful = no triggers and/or moodswings)

xoxo
Brianna

Adult acting like a child?

Hi,

So this is going to be a post about me thinking(writing?) out loud.

Things I have read on the internet, books and heard from therapists mixed together. So I know a lot of the information (especially internet, is not reliable) so I’m just discussing with myself whats going on 😛 trying to figure it out. And maybe wondering what your views are on this.

So, childhood trauma has effects on you as an adult. I guess everybody agree’s on that.
Point 2, to me, is HOW it affects you. One point I am struggling with right now is the regulation of emotions. I do hear a lot that I am acting like a child, which i can understand and agree with. However, I am not a child. I’m an adult. I’m in my 20’s (early 20’s, but still an adult). I have read and heard that acting like a child, could be because of the stop in the emotional development (due to trauma). However your brain, and I guess knowledge and stuff, moves/develops on. So you are able to think like an adult, but just not act like one?

So that would mean that you’re emotionally still a child? But a child needs growing up… which needs guidance… sooo… who will guide you into growing up? Since you only get one set of parents, and maybe those parents were unable to do it properly, or how society might want, so that you can fit in. I don’t think anyone else will be able to take the role of parent, especially when you’re an adult. What is the point of therapy? If you process your trauma’s correctly, the child thing will go away? So by processing your trauma, your emotional development will speed up to your age? While (as far as I know) EMDR (for instance) puts the trauma in a place in your brain, where it belongs ‘correctly’, and the strong feelings with it soften. So it doesn’t bother you as much in your daily life. You wont forget, but it wont hurt as much. How does this help your emotionality (is that a word xD?) grow up?

I know small children, like toddlers, can have outbursts of anger and sadness. In which they might not realize what they’re doing with other people, when they act like that. So you have to limit them, as a parent, in a correct way. So having childhood trauma, means you weren’t limited or weren’t limited in a correct way (for instance by hitting a child whenever it showed emotion?). When the trauma is over and the child/adult is save, it continue’s where he/she has remained (being a toddler, emotional).

A situation, when a child is acting out (we’ve all seen the british nanny program right 😛 ? ) he gets a time out. I do know people give me a time out, when I’m getting too much. When I’m angry (or sad) I’ll be pissed for the damn time out. So I’ll scream and yell till that person is willing to talk to me again. And IF that person maintains the ‘ignoring’ long enough, I’ll probably give up and cry and calm down. My ex used to do this with me, which made me furious. He’d tell me ‘I’m going to stop talking to you, you aren’t being reasonable, so we can talk again when you’re calmer’. I’d flip out, he’s leaving? I’d just continue with yelling. Of course he couldn’t take it (I do have to say, I tell them very personal stuff, like that I hate them..) and he told me ‘I’m not going to talk to you for 2 hours, I’ll see if you’re calmer after that’. Well then I went all crazy (as far as i wasn’t already 😉 ) and I’ll literally tell him anything to just have him talk to me. Ignoring is SO painful. And yeah, maybe after 30/45 minutes of yelling and stuff I’ll give up, and be tired from my whole tantrum and just wait the rest of the time. When he talked to me after the 2 hours, I was calm again. However, I really can’t describe the intense feelings when he is ignoring me, or when he gives me a sort of ultimatum about me having to stop, otherwise he WILL ignore me. It’s like I panick and having him ignore me is the worst thing and might kill me. (Though rationally I KNOW I have to calm down, and won’t be able to when he’s around or when I’m talking to him)

This is incredibly exhausting for another person (I think). However, It didn’t get less over time. I kept acting like a child. Trying to push his buttons and when I did, he’d get angry, and when he got angry, I would get angry as well, and tell him all kinds of stuff. But whenever he said 1 bad thing about me, I’d lose it and remember it for the rest of our relationship.

In time I did learn how to ‘take responsibility’ (if you can call it that) for my outbursts, I’d be incredibly sorry and ashamed and afraid he’d leave me for it.

Is this me having the emotionality of a child? To be honest, is annoy’s me! And the other people around me as well of course.
I did know some people who had clear limits and were very open, honest and strict about them. In the time that I knew them, I wouldn’t even dare to cross it. I knew the consequences and I was too afraid. But then again, I didn’t know them for very long, or didn’t keep in contact with them, so I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had known them for a year. Usually they are people who don’t get mad easily and are self-assured.

And of course, I wrote this before, but people tend to see me as sweet, innocent, fragile etc. Which I’m not. Well, maybe I am sensitive, but I’m a real bitch.

 

So what is this ‘acting like a child’ thing. I do hear it a lot with BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well, but some people with BPD don’t have a childhood trauma, soo….. why do they do it?
How do you ‘cure’ the acting like a child? How do you grow up emotionally, when you are an adult and/or when the parent isn’t available as parent anymore?
Is there a limit prior to you should’ve learned it, otherwise you never will?

I’m just really thinking about this kind of stuff. You hear a lot of manipulating and stuff. But I don’t think people realize that I (for instance) hate being like this. Hate acting like it. Hate not having the control over my emotions. Getting angry about the smallest things. Not being able to calm down. Push someone’s buttons without realizing I’m pushing/testing them. I HATE it. I want to STOP it.
(See the image of a child irritating his mother, with a big smile, because the mother is telling the child it’s not ok to do that, but I guess the child just pushes further until the mother gets angry. And when she gets angry the child starts to cry) How do you stop the child for going further after being told it was NOT ok to do that? I DO realize it’s not ok.. like someone is taking control over me and keeps on doing it. I do realize I should stop.. I just can’t?
I do want to say that I’m not like this with everyone. LUCKILY! But almost every relationship.. and intense friendship. And unfortunately to my therapists as well. But in a different way, I did not even realize I was testing Betty and Brandon and the whole ‘crew’ until Betty told me I have to quit because she understands why I do it, but she doesn’t accept it. And yeah, that shut me up. For the time being though, a few months later I was doing it again! (And she had to be like ‘Brianna, stop’) -_- *pulls out hair*

I really don’t believe that anyone who acts like that, is happy with acting like that. Clearly it doesn’t get you anywhere. Except loneliness. (But then again, the big fear of abandonment is why you do it…….. so THIS JUST DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!)

Ahhh the mind is a weird thing.
So is mental illness. It’s complex…. it’s not just take this pill for a few day’s and you’re cured. Wish it was though..

xoxo
Brianna

CPTSD; guilt and shame

Hi everyone,

I spoke to a person about guilt and she was really struggling with it due to some childhood trauma. I have a map from therapy and they discuss all sorts of topics that relate to complex trauma.
I have therapy at a specialized centre of complex trauma and in a group with people who have childhood trauma. I do think they know what they’re talking about.

I wanted to share the topic ‘Guilt and shame’ with you guys, because I think it’s very valuable.

It does test my translation skills, so lets hope I can make it work 😛 !

Lets go 😉 !

Guilt and shame are two  “feelings” of which people who have experienced trauma suffer from. Guilt and shame can have a lot of influence on the contact with other people. That’s why its important to learn to manage these ‘feelings’ so that they wont hinder you in your daily activities. Guilt and shame are actually not feelings but thoughts of yourself, thoughts over what the other (might) think of you or thoughts about what you (yourself) did or did not do. These thoughts are no emotions but they do evoke feelings and emotions. Guilt and shame are hard to separate from eachtother. Below they will be described separately.

Guilt
Guilt is a normal human response. We can distinguish them between real and unreal feelings of guilt.
When you talk about real feelings of guilt, (real is not a nice word… hmm you might think of factual instead! However I do continue to write real) you might say consciousness of guilt; you know you did something, which society, the law, or your own consciousness, thinks is wrong. And you take responsibility for it. Feelings of guilt is an important signal of your conscience.
With unreal (again, not a nice word, may think of it as unrealistic. However I will continue to use the word unreal) feelings of guilt, its about a gnawing thought of something you did or did not to in relation to others. Most of the time it involves a not clear defined behaviour, something you have to guess to.

Guilt and trauma
Traumatic experiences often lead to feelings of guilt. This is due to the unequal power ratio during the (sexual) abuse. Feelings of guilt can occur in many different ways:
– People talked it into you: “Its your own fault” and you still think like that (automatically)
– something happened to you which is a taboo, (for instance because of religion) so you are bad and guilty
– You could have learned that what you want does not matter. Thats why you’ll feel guilty when you want something

Guilt as a survival strategy
Feelings of guilt have an important function: feeling of guilt gives hope. Feelings of guilt occur when people are made powerless. In a powerless position people often look for control, grip on the event. Feelings of guilt then arise as a survival strategy.
Everything is better than to realize that the people who are responsible of you, the people you rely on, are bad for you, or unable to protect you enough. Then there’s no hope. So placing the blame on yourself ( I am bad) gives an explanation for the behaviour of others (it’s logical for them to act like that, they can’t help it). The other person remains ‘good’.
Besides, guilt gives perspective; to do your best to be a good child or woman, wherefore the bad experiences will stop. The feelings of guilt also make sure you don’t have to feel angry or sad. You avoid experiencing these emotions like that.

Guilt, self-image and interaction with others
Like all survival strategy’s, later in life they lose their (positive) purpose. Where feelings of guilt first gave you hope and a grip on the event, now they may lead you to problems with regard to yourself, your self-image and the interaction with others. It disrupts the self-image of yourself and the image of others.
Feelings of guilt navigate your behaviour, from fear of thinking of yourself as bad or selfish.This can lead to constantly pleasing others and losing your own needs, wishes and desire’s. Another result can be that because of these feelings of anxiety, you’ll feel unreal or unfair in your contact with others > which could lead to more feelings of guilt.
If the feelings of guilt become stronger, it can lead to depression, self-hatred, self-humiliation and self-destructive behaviour.

Shame
Shame is, just as guilt, a normal human response. It can be seen as a response to a social ‘trespass’. For instance when you’re waiting in line and you jump the queue, and someone see’s it, it could lead to ‘normal’ feelings of shame. Normal feelings of shame make sure you’ll obey the ‘social’ rules in the presence of others. It has a social function.
Shame navigates your behaviour out of fear for others or yourself (through the eyes of others) might be thinking you’re weird, inappropriate or aberrant in your behaviour, that is something you want to prevent. Because feelings of shame are very painful, something you’d rather evade.
By feelings of shame there are tons of physical reactions; your blood vessels dilate, for instance in your face (blushing), your knees might feel weak, you can get the tendency to hide.

Shame and self-image
Shame comes forth from the relationship we have with ourselves. everyone has a certain idea, certain standard about how you should be. This cooperates to the feeling of self-respect, your feeling of self-esteem. Shame protects our intimacy, it keeps us within human boundaries, by telling us we are making mistakes and that we need help.
Healthy shame is the foundation of modesty. Feelings of shame have an important function: shame protects your self-image. It is a signal that tells you there is a difference between who you are (your actual self) and who you want to be (your ideal self), in relation to (important) others.

Shame and trauma
Shame is an unpleasant feeling that include you as a person, your right to exist. When you’ve been chronically traumatized at a young age, feelings of shame can degenerate into a state where you’re constantly in (it takes over your identity). Youre right in the middle of it, as it were, you are the shame. You think you’re no one, you’re not upright, not honorable, improperly, ridiculous or stupid. It is a powerful emotion where a feeling of confusion, self-punishment and a feeling being surrendered to your bad self/other, is very common. It’s as if you are overwhelmed by a perception of not allowed to be here or no right to exist as who you are. Or by being something which you should have not been (or the other way round). By being stuck in the middle of this, what you’re feeling feels like the truth. These feelings of shame are very destructive.

Reaction to shame-problems
Shame is a feeling that overtakes you. It’s a normal human reaction, but still very hard to endure. So it’s really normal when you look for ways of making the feelings of shame a little bit more bearable. There are 4 directions you can take, this is also called ‘the compass of shame’:
(Lucky me! I found it in English again, just by translation it literally xD! )
compass of shame
Feelings of shame can lead to wanting to retreat or avoid the situation. But it can also lead to attacking the other person or attacking yourself. It often involves feelings of guilt. anger and hopelessness. There is an opposite side as well; impudence. Impudence can be seen as a way to roar down the feelings of shame. It is a survival strategy which can give you a feeling of control over the situation. It’s important to become aware of your behaviour, and realise you do have a choice about how to deal with the emotions. By realising your behaviour towards feelings of shame, you can explore other ways to deal with it.
(By the way, when we discussed this in my group. Others did recognize the directions, but also recognizing having more than one. For instance I, Brianna, attack myself very much, but I also avoid it, while attacking myself)

(Last but not least!)

How to deal with feelings of guilt and shame?
1. Feeling anger and experiencing it.
Feelings of shame and guilt often function to cover up other emotions like, anger. Feeling of shame and/or guilt has an advantage of not opening up your eyes to see how bad others have been to you. When you are able to see the responsiblity of the other person in the situation (yes, the other one IS responsible. NOT you!), you’ll see that the feelings of shame gradually reduce. Sadness and anger can replace that.
It’s important to realise that you are mad at SOMEONE ELSE. You don’t deserve the feelings of guilt and self-abuse which cover up the anger and sadness.

2. Register your feelings and thoughts
People are often taught to look and listen to the feelings of others before they look at themself. This was necessary to survive, to be safe. Thats why its important to register what you are feeling in situations. Feelings don’t appear out of nowhere – investigate what situation, what thoughts and what behaviour had influence on your feelings. It’s mostly false believes and crooked thoughts that you take as the truth. If you (with someone else) investigate them, you could see if the thoughts are actually  ‘true’, rational and handy.

3. Concentrate on the consequences of feelings of guilt and shame
Try to investigate  what the consequences are of your feelings of guilt and shame. You could use the Compass of Shame. Do you retreat from social contact or avoid it all together? Do you attack others or attack yourself? Do you tend to say sorry for things that aren’t that bad, or for things you have nothing to do with? How does this effect how you feel about yourself?

4. Try to correct your thoughts about feelings of guilt and shame
If your feelings of guilt and shame have a lot of consequences on your self-esteem and the way you want to live your life, take a look if you can challenge and correct the thoughts of guilt and shame. Ask yourself; is this true? Is it right? Do I help myself by thinking like that? When you have new, alternative, thoughts about yourself and you repeat them endlessly (practice makes perfect) your feelings of guilt and shame might reduce.

5. Make yourself powerful and strong
Physically you can practice to make yourself feel strong again. A way of feeling different about your body is sports. (Uhm.. now they refer to previous chapters in the handout we got.. uhhhh… what do I do now? Chips.. ) You can use the skills you have learned in the past to see if they affect your feelings of guilt and shame. For instance; contrive encouraging statements against feelings of shame and guilt. or when you are feeling very tense because of feelings of guilt; try to relax with some relaxation exercises.
You can learn to say ‘no’, to speak up for yourself, requesting something without making yourself dependent on others, give criticism. Practice to become more socially proficient in contact with other.

MAN OH MAN. I’ll think twice before typing (and translating) something like this again!!!! But I’m glad i did (and that its done now 😛 ) . I hope it will help someone at some level.

Take care!

xoxo
Brianna

ps. Gotta do the spellcheck now. There goes another 15 minutes xD
LOL I just DONT have energy left, to read the whole thing and correct the grammar mistakes I made. I’m sorry for the crappy English sometimes. I hope its understandable like this.

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue..

Hi everyone,

This is going to be a short one as well.
Just wanted to write about that I’m doing better now. I am ashamed of my behaviour 😦 I really am.. I’m so sorry for the people who got hurt by it.
Had therapy today, which was intense but good. Saw Betty very quick, and she gave me feedback on my evaluation from a few weeks ago, and said ‘this is old stuff, I do feel like we’re more on the same page now’. So I’m glad about that.
I went with what I needed for now, which is my security blanket :$ +  a normal blanket. I feel ok with it 🙂
Tomorrow I have to be at 9.50 AM at the doctors for my uterus, which is scary but I’m strong enough and I have a voice so I can speak up. if I don’t feel right with her looking, I don’t have to let her. She wont be able to see anything anyway.
I can do this 🙂 !

xoxo
Brianna

Ps. My own doctor is a male, but I spoke with the assistant and she said I should go to the female. The assistant is very nice and sweet, she is very supportive and isn’t judgemental about all the times I’ve come because of self harm. So I decided to go, with her advice, to the female doctor.

Take a look through my eyes

Hi,

I just had (another..) trigger. I get the feeling people (around me at least) don’t understand what is triggering and how it feels to be triggered.

So to me this is triggering, I don’t know about any of you, but I do want to say this before I go into it.

I’m going to try to explain this from my point of view for people who have no clue about whats going on in my mind/body. The actual facts, I’ll write like this. The feelings and thoughts like this. Ready? 😉

A little background information;
My mum has a boyfriend, they live together. I used to live with them as well. He reminds me of my father, in almost every way. They don’t look-alike, I always say he’s the Dutch version of my father. So their behaviour and appearance looks alike to me. Which is very triggering for me. But I’ll get into that later.
On sunday’s I always try to eat at my moms, or at least go visit my moms. Since I have hardly any friends, the weekend is always very isolated for me.

My mum texted me if I wanted to go get some fries (she was going to make me lasagna (Which is my favourite)). The fries she was talking about are delicious, so I kinda jumped up from the couch, totally excited. But then I asked; ‘why?’ My mum said; ‘Richard (her boyfriend) wants to get some and asked me if you wanted to come along’ Instantly the excitement cooled off. I do want to like my ‘stepfather’ but he just triggers me soooo many times. I have really had terrible crisis in the past because of something that happened between him and me, once leading up to me locked away in a psych ward against my will. (To be clear, he does not abuse me! He hits me with his words. He’s really rough, and makes hard comments, I’m really a pussy so that does not match)
But the fear of ‘what if…’ rose in me. I have been having a good day so far.. soooo what if he triggers me. I don’t even know what might happen, I might snap out at him, or just at myself. The feeling of me snapping out. The feeling of being overwhelmed by so much emotion and feelings, I don’t even have a word for them. They just wash all over me, and i can not swim. I drown. I literally lose all control. I’m in total panic and there is no one who can help me. So I might as well take my blade with me, just in case. / Then I thought; well this is ridiculous, I’m not gonna take a blade just to feel save to get some fries! Me; ‘No mum, I don’t think its a good idea. I have had a really bad day yesterday, really slipping back. Right now I’m stable but still feeling shaky. I’m afraid I might get triggered’ My mum; ‘I’ll go with you. We’ll drive there (in his car) and eat something and come back.’ Brenda; NOOOOOOOO. Me; oh no… this isn’t good. In that car. Small space. With him. No where to hide. I feel so small. I can’t do anything. I wont be in control. He’ll have the control over me. I wont be able to do anything. I know I’ll feel frozen. I’ll be stuck. Help. Mum, please no. Me; ‘Well, I was really hoping to eat lasagna.’ Mummy  I don’t want to. Please… don’t ask anymore. Mum; ‘I’ll cook that later for you, then you can take it home’ Brenda is crying, i can feel her despair, trapped like an animal in a small cage. Me; ‘no…’ Breathe.. Its ok. I’m still at home. Its 2013. i’m save right now Mum; Well then we’ll pick you up on our way home. (So that I can go eat the lasagna at my moms) No, please no. I don’t want to get in a car with him. Too small. no space. He is in control. I can not breathe. Every inch of my body was feeling fear. I did look around and see my own home, but I also saw me sitting in the car. My mum in front of me. Him behind the wheel. Me feeling helpless, not being able to influence anything (like going home directly, or just having someone to calm me down) (I have been in these situations before. He triggered me, my mum knew, but did nothing. I sat in the back of the car, crying. Going insane because of the terrible feelings which I can not even describe, I guess its fear. Just having to surrender to him and where he wanted to go, and not being able to get out.) Me; ‘ :'(‘ (cry emotion). My mum; ‘Do you want me to pick you up alone?’ Yes.. no.. I don’t want to go to your place anymore. Help me. Someone help me. Please. (I was crying and so scared. And of what? There wasnt anything going on at that moment. Just me discussing with my mum about what to do) 

Well.. she’s going to pick me up within half an hour. I’m scared. I did calm down.. a bit I guess. Brenda is sad and scared, wants to grab a stuffed animal. She knows I have a lot of them in my bedroom. But I’m not allowed to use those.. because I had them when I was a child and might trigger me. I can’t Brenda, I’m sorry.. I’ll get us through this. She doesn’t believe me though.. and why should she? I’ve never really proven myself. Yeah, I do get out of stuff alive (while it feels like I’m dying (just to make it clear, I am not dying, but the emotions are so big and the memories and everything is uncontrollable. It’s so much, I just can handle it, neither can Brenda). But I never have control over the situation. I’m not in charge. I’m the small child. The little girl you can push around. I wont say a word. She knows that. I’ll just let it come over me, move me, hurt me (just with words and actions (the actions don’t include me though)) and try to fix myself when I get home.

I know it seems a bit vague, I do make a lot of long blogs so I don’t want to go into detail about the ‘action’ but I don’t want to give the wrong impression either. I know it’s not a big deal. It’s just another trigger to me. Richard likes to take of his pants and sit in his boxers. That triggers the shit out of me. (My mum has talked to him about this 2 months ago, and he hasn’t done it since, when I’m around) but its actions like that I can’t compete with. Once, I grabbed all my strength and courage, when he asked ‘Does someone have a problem with me taking of my pants?’ It was SO hard, but I said ‘yeah.. I kinda do’ he said; ‘Well its so hot, I’m just gonna do it anyway’. There it was again. I was powerless. Nothing I could do, or say that would change the situation. (Yeah walk away, but I’m petrified by then. Not able to move. Just tears streaming down my face (which of course my mum ignores, though she’s sitting next to me). By the way, he almost never asks that! Normally he’s more like ‘I’m going to take off my pants, if someone has a problem with it (its only my mum and me, so obviously he’s talking to me) they can just look the other way’.

So, this is a trigger.
I feel weird posting this. Because it’s very personal, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. Why would I get so frightened of just sitting in a car with him? He didn’t do a thing.
Why don’t I just stop going there?

Honestly? I would love to.
But my mum…. she wants me there. My sister doesn’t come there anymore because Richard drove her away with his terrible comments, which hurt her so much, and my mum did nothing. I don’t blame her, its good that she stays far away. Its saver for her. My mum still isn’t willing to stick up for my sister, so I guess she’s gotta protect herself by not coming near him anymore.

It’s all very complicated peeps. It seems so simple ‘step up for yourself’. I feel so weak though, like I’m still that small child. That 4-year-old, just letting it all wash over her, Wait till it’s over. Then crawl back into my bed/room/another ‘save’ place, and try to pick up the pieces that shattered this time.

Well, I better get dressed. I’m still in my pyjama’s.. and wait till my mum gets here.
On the positive side, I get to see her cat again. He’s very cute, still a kitten, though he’s growing very fast.
I’ll probably go home right after dinner. Make myself comfortable on the couch with a blanket, and go to bed early.

Though I know it seems negative. And maybe it is. I do believe this isn’t all that life has for me (and maybe you). I have to struggle through this. I have to believe I’m not that small child anymore. I have to grow up. I can and I will.

Cause now I’m stronger than yesterday

xoxo
Brianna