Ramblings

I can do it, I am doing it. Living. I’m going out, I actually even smile and mean it sometimes. But mostly I’m not very happy. Especially since yesterday evening. It’s like a dark cloud is pushing down on me, while I try to move forward, I feel it’s pressure.

I’ve known Brandon (my psychiatric nurse) for 1,5 years now, and I think (even though 1,5 years is quite a long time) I actually trust him fully now. I really do. There is a time limit at my new treatment centre and it’s short… I’m actually pooping my pants already because in November I’ll be without Brandon, maybe just temporary, but I’ll be without.
When a part of me right now just wants to cling right on to him. I feel so down and bad right now.. I just want him to ‘make it all better’. The funny part is, when I’m actually sitting in front of him, I’m mostly quite calm. When I’m not, the only thing I do is stare at the ground (while crying) or at my lap, when he asks me to look at him, I refuse. I NEVER search for the physical contact. Or even ask for his comfort with words.

I know there are a very few people who do have a person like that. But if I had a person who felt save to me, in my environment, I’d reach out to him/her and ask for help right now. Tell ’em how I’m feeling and that I’m kinda feeling stuck with it. I know there’s no clear answer or solution, but honesty helps.. and being heard too.. and distraction third. So, in the absence of that person. WordPress is my outlet, I’m gonna make internet or Netflix my distraction wrap myself in a blanket and try to soothe myself and dry my own tears. Because despite all of the shit, I still have myself, and one day it will be okay and enough for comfort.

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Forcing myself to have some contact

Hi,

As much as I’m smiling to the world outside, I’m not on the inside.

I really feel like hiding. No coming out until I feel better.
Today I woke up pretty early, but left my bed at 4.15 pm, just because I was feeling ok enough to move to the living room. I spend all the hours feeling desperate, not knowing what to do. Not even sure what I was feeling!

How can I describe what was wrong? I don’t know. I definitely felt empty.. hollow, alone. But I didn’t want any contact.

I did want a hug.

Despite all my feelings of ‘leave me alone’, I reached out to my bestie and told her how I was feeling (as best as I could) and talking to her did help a bit.

But right now I still feel terrible. I still feel like crying.  Like screaming. Like ‘PLEASE, SEE ME. HELP ME.’ But instead, I keep smiling at the people who want me to. The other ones I don’t even talk to, because I can’t smile.. I can’t fake. And they don’t bother starting the conversation. (It’s ok, there’s not much happy coming out of me anyway)

I want to apologize a hundred times to everyone, for not reaching out, for not helping, for not commenting or even liking, or even reading your blogs.

Polly cancelled our appointment today because she was having a crisis with another client. Understandable, but terrible timing.

I’m not okay. I am hurt by something, but I don’t know what. Therapy on Wednesday? Maybe. Well, it was pretty intense, so it could make sense. But just EVERYTHING. Please, can’t I just go into a dreamless sleep until this feeling goes away?

xoxo
Brianna

Foggy mind

Hi,

I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).

I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.

But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.

Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.

I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.

My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.

But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’

I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).

Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.

xoxo
Brianna

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“I was raised from a broken seed

& I grew up to be an unwanted weed”

2 scenario’s
Both not ideal

Number 1;
Sitting on the couch, and feeling scared, feeling watched, shadows linger behind you waiting to attack. But when you turn your head you can’t see a thing.. well nothing abnormal at least.

Number 2;
Sitting on the couch, and feeling scared, feeling watched, shadows linger behind you waiting to attack. But you won’t turn your head, you just wait for them to grab you, hoping it’ll be over soon. And that they might show some mercy.

This is al so depressing and victim talk and it disgusts me and yet it’s all that comes out of me!
Right now I’m in situation 2. I just don’t care anymore. At least not right now. Not about myself.

I am save at home, nothing can happen to me and yet this feeling of fear and the shadow people are all around me. Smothering me in their darkness.

And now I’m done. Enough self-pity over here. You should see me sitting xD, looking down at my chest, with a sad face. I’d laugh at myself if I weren’t feeling so down.

I am being hit by the kind of bullets you can not see

Gonna go eat some dinner. Writing this done, made me realize I’m hungry, which isn’t weird… since it’s 9 pm and I haven’t had any dinner.

xoxo
Brianna

 

“Okay”

Hi,

So Boxing day wasn’t that much fun. I went to my sisters with my mother. And at some point she triggered the shit out of me. At first I didn’t feel good,  because I just knew I had to be there with a smile on my face, even though I didn’t feel like smiling. But knowing my sister couldn’t handle seeing me sad or anything but happy, I just have to smile.. that’s just how it goes.

And she has a puppy right, and he chews on his toy’s with a lot of saliva (which stinks!!!) and she smelled on it and was like ‘euw! this stinks!’ and then she pressed it under my nose. I am sensitive for things that smell strongly like that. And it made me gag. My mother was standing in front of me and as I started gagging, and I kind of lost touch with reality I grabbed my mums arm, hoping it could keep me here, or that she might help me stay here. But she didn’t.. well.. no, she didn’t. And I remember my sister saying ‘Brianna, stop being a baby, you’re overreacting, act normal, jeez’ afterwards I was shaking on my legs and ready to burst out in to tears.
Let’s just say it wasn’t the best day 😉

Yesterday was ok though, I had a vacation day planned but turned out i didn’t need it. Went grocery shopping and just had a normal friday.

Today however.. If someone would ask me how i was doing, I’d say I’m okay. Cause I guess I am. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or anything, nothing major has happened. I just feel like SHIT. I want to scream and cry and just crawl into someone arms and have them hug me and tell me it’ll be alright. That I will be alright.

Got a new years eve plan.
Since I’m alone and I hate that. I found out I still have 2 sedative medication-type-thingie’s. So I’m gonna take them. And that will probably mean, I’ll sleep my way through new years, well that’s the only positive thing about that whole celebration thing.

xoxo
Brianna

Hospitalized?

Hi,

So, absent-minded is my new name.

Anyway, hospitalized. I’m afraid in some way I am hospitalized.

I have been in therapy for 8 years now. Haven’t had a ‘normal’ daily schedule (as in school/work) in 6 years. I don’t really like therapy, but I want to get better and I want to be able to study and work and just be able to live my life. Not just survive it.
However I do realize I am able to go to therapy for 40 hours a week, but not to school/work for 40 hours a week. And of course at therapy I can break down all I want, they will catch me up. Better yet, I will be picked up at my front door, so I don’t even need to worry about arriving at the right spot! (Last week I had some trouble with dissociation and I was SO thankful for the taxi driving me, I really don’t know how I’d get there if there wasn’t that option)
So I can go to therapy 40 hours a week, because I can break down there as much as I want. When I go to work or school, I have to be normal, and hide everything. There is absolutely no room anymore to be Brianna, I just have to be a student, not an individual.

I feel very save in the psychiatric world, I am very good at making friends and contact. But in the ‘real world’ I feel like a freak.

Part of me is also just too scared to go back. And I know I’m just hopping from place to place xD. Next year I’ll be going to another spot for therapy again, so I’ll have to take time to build some trust again and stuff (and well I know me, and that might take 9 till 12 months ), before you know it, 2 years have gone by and nothing has changed.

I don’t really know what’s bothering me so much?
Is it the month december?
Was it the flu?
Was it that weird date I had?
Abraham? (Probably not.. :/)
My father?
Therapy issue’s?
nightmares?

Or just all the above?

This is just crazy. I just get angry and upset because monday will be the last therapy day of this year and I’ll just have to fix it till january second. Survive in any way possible.
I just don’t really seem to see the point anymore. I’m tired. (Ok, confession, it’s 2.12 am right now, I can’t sleep.)
One minutes I’m so thankful for my life and that I’m still here and on top of that surrounded by some of the most beautiful people walking this earth and the other minute I am just whining my ass of that I actually want to go.

I feel like I’m battling this thing. cptsd? brain injury? trauma? All my life, and it just wont get better, I keep falling down. And yeah, I do want to get up, but fuck, nothing is changing. So getting up seems pretty useless and I might just spare me a lot of pain by just keeping close to the ground.

Actually I want to lock myself up in my house, lie in bed all day and sleep my life away. Too bad I can’t make sure I have no nightmare’s.

xoxo
Brianna

Can I whine please?

Hi,

So yeah, it’s whine time at Brianna’s here.

I feel like crap 😦
It’s like the helplessness if all over me and I’m drowning in it. I want to see Brandon and just cling myself to him… not really appropriate right 😉

I feel like walking around in the street, shouting out ‘Help me’, hoping someone will come out of their house and help me.
Help me with what? I don’t know, but just take this horrible feeling away.

Betty once said she doesn’t understand why I don’t take it away myself. If I knew how I could. This is that moment she’s talking about. Me just waiting ‘helplessly’ for someone who is never coming.
I know that, I KNOW I have to do it alone. Brenda is al whiny right now. I just can not think straight with her being like that.

It’s like I’m powerless. Trying to swim against the stream, knowing, in the end, I’ll just fall down the linn. Like I’m screaming and fighting, but for what? And against what?

I literally don’t know what to do with these moments. With these feelings.

A part of me is telling myself ‘It’ll go away eventually, endure..’ and the other part is like ‘shut up b*tch, I don’t care about that, the problem is I’m drowning right now. So go away with your long-term solutions, I want short-term solutions!’

Then it all goes in a big speed.
‘Damn I’m such an annoying girl!’
‘They must really hate me’
‘It’s like nothing will ever work for me’
HAHA, gotta love my memory troubles, I forgot what I thought/came after that xD
It wasn’t pretty, but I just forgot.

So uhm, I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow. Probably won’t be able to get a talk. And if I do… about what? I DONT KNOW WHAT GOING ON.

Might take a look to go see if Sander is online.. but I don’t even feel like talking to him. Don’t wanna talk to anyone. Leave me alone. I’m lonely

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to have mental health problems. I want normal problems, and friends and family.

Gonna go to bed and watch a movie I guess.

It’s moments like these I wish I was in a clinic. Just go walk to the night nurse and talk to him/her. Go whine at him/her. Easy 😉

xoxo
Brianna

Memories; Am I allowed to die now?

TRIGGER warning! About death/suicide and just depressing stuff

Hi,

This is a big trip down memory lane, well… not big as in far behind, must have been like 5 or 6 months ago? I am really bad at time though.

NOTEBOOK
Who remembers this from the movie ‘The Notebook’?
(If you haven’t seen the movie, you might want to stop reading, because I’ll be spoiling it! It’s really a must see! Very beautifully romantic 🙂 )

So the movie is about these 2 love birds, and in the end of the movie, (the woman is sick) and she dies in bed, while holding her partner’s hand and him lying next to her. If I remember correctly, he dies shortly after her as well. (Of a broken heart? I don’t remember him being sick though) Anyway, they both died in this position (as the photo above)

Uhm.. so for now, let’s delete the romantic part 😉

“Am I allowed to die now?”
Was a big question in my mind about 5 or 6 months ago.
I knew the procedure (to request euthanasia), I had everything planned out.

Of course dying is scary, but I’ve been fighting for an ok live for over 20 years and I was done. I really believed that I had given it enough time and everything. I was just done.
*cough* Abraham… was in the picture then as well. He didn’t like me wanting to request euthanasia. It all went pretty ugly, I did feel a little manipulated in my choice (by therapy, not Abraham) and in the end I didn’t formally request. But I was so sure of them accepting my request, you can’t deny the fight I have delivered. The pain I caused and keep on causing my mother/sister/bestie(/+ Abraham at that time) by living. I have fought, been in therapy for 8 or 9 years, nobody seems to know what to do, or how to help me. How could they say no? How could they deny me a death with dignity, and force me to hang myself, slit my wrists or jump in front of a train (which in the end, all of the things will have a chance of traumatizing the person finding me/hitting me).

But I had it planned out.
I did describe how I felt save with Abraham somewhere in my blog.
Yes I was scared of death, of course, of what might come, but I thought nothing could be worse than my life and the pain I’m causing others. And then I thought.. I’m gonna ask Abraham to be with me, I’d want him close enough so he’ll be able to hold me, and then.. I wont be afraid of anything anymore. I know it’ll be okay (death ofcourse..)
You’re here, there is nothing I fear
I was SO sure of that. I never asked him, because I wanted to wait, to make sure everything was ok and then maybe make sure he was ok with it, to be with me at that moment. But I was planning on asking him. I thought and knew it would be the most peaceful death I could ever wish for.

I stumbled on that picture yesterday, and suddenly this all popped in to my head again. Made me a little sad.

I am not in the right place now to answer the question ‘Are you glad you’re still alive?’
Rationally I’d say; yes of course! Found new hope.
Emotionally I’d say; No, I’m not glad and I regret missing that opportunity.

But since I know (rationally 😉 ) that there were times since that I’ve been flying high since then, and that it’s not clever to make a drastic choice (answer) like that when you’re emotional. I’d say, ignore what I’m saying emotionally, and listen to what I’m saying rationally.

xoxo
Brianna

(This is my 98’s post by the way! It’s all going so quick!)

What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically :/
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)


Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna