No.. just no!



You know that moment when you wake up and you’re just like ‘no… just NO’. It was ridiculous!
Yesterday I had a very good day! Therapy was amazing, had so much fun with the girls, got to know them a lot better and had a good talk with Brandon. Talked about possible volunteer work, and I actually found multiple things I like!!!!
Went to bed happy.

But then I woke up today and felt like crying. I don’t know why? The only thing I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep the day away. I called Polly and asked her if it was ok to cancel our appointment today. Told her what was going on, and I was really NOT in the mood to talk. Just leave me alone, crying in my bed. Well, she said it was ok, and if I wanted to reschedule for saturday I could call her. Then I went back to bed and woke up at 2 pm. Felt a little better. Woke up all sweaty though. Baby girl was very stanch. Practically sitting on my face.

Got out  of bed at 3 pm and ate something. Listened to some music and now I’m on WordPress writing this. ( 5 pm)
I don’t even know what’s going on? I just felt SO terrible this morning without any reason. Such a good day yesterday, and then today.. BOOM. Crying, depressed, lonely.

Tomorrow will be a better day I guess.

There is not much on my mind, have been looking for some stuff on childhood trauma (actually looking for a book, which explains the treatment possibilities and stuff). But it’s really hard, well in Dutch it is.. I have one book called ‘Complex Trauma’ (Dutch book) and it was very helpful even though it’s meant for professionals, I understood it and it gave me more insights.
Maybe it’s not a good thing for me reading this, but I know me the best.. and I know my experiences, in therapy they don’t seem to want me to talk about them, so how can you ‘cure’ something of which you don’t know what the problem was.
I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘abuse’ > ‘A or B treatment’. I think it does depend on what kind of abuse and um especially how it made me feel and made me think. They don’t know that, so when I can find some tips on treatment or whatever, I would just really like to know. Dutch has my preference, but (easy! 😛 ) English isn’t bad as well. So if anyone has some tips, please let me know!

Talk to Betty about this? Hell no. Monday I have this dissociation tests or something with her. So the next time I might be able to talk to her about it would be 11 november. Well uhm, if you want me to move forward like snail, yeah, I could wait. And when I talk to her on the 11th, she’ll probably tell me to stop focussing on the past.

Last time I spoke to her she didn’t realize that I’ve been self-harming for that long and how it made everything more clear about how difficult it is for me to stop. Well DUH, if you won’t let me talk about it, you can’t know.
Lol, getting really angry now. Not worth it.
So yeah, looking for books and of course I’d like to minimize the trigger-content, so not really something about someone’s experience and the details about the trauma. But more about the effects of it when you’re an adult and the (possible) treatments.





Oh my, what a day!

First I had a talk with Polly, which was ok. Just really standard.. but ah, I’m glad I have her for 2 hours a week. I can always vent my stuff
Then I talked to this old internet friend of mine (I wrote about him once… Hmm I’ll call him Sander). And it was really funny. I really laughed a lot and it was just like old times. Talking about random things, laughing.. teasing each other. So my afternoon was kind of fun actually.

Then I had to go to the vet with baby girl. Which was terrible. Been there an hour but she just wouldn’t calm down 😦 the vet was really nice and very helpful.

After that my mum, for the hair dresser. Well that was ok. Just the normal tension.

But right now. Please drug me. I’m so wobbly (what a funny word though!) restless in my arms especially. Smelling things from my childhood which trigger me. (They aren’t here though, I have this a lot sometimes, I guess it’s a ‘smell memory’? Like smelling your dog after he already died and stuff… )
I do need to clean the litter box today (Last time was Sunday which ended in me gagging uncontrollably again and shaking over my whole body) so I’m kind of scared of that now. Plus I really gotta try to clean myself in some way. Showering might be a step to far. So maybe just at the sink in the bathroom. Ugh, why is this so annoying? Cause.. yeah my clothes are clean, I use deodorant etc. so I don’t think I’m very smelly. My mum usually tells me, ‘Brianna, you’re getting smelly’, but she didn’t say that today so I guess I’m ok? Anyway, I feel disgusting, but I know showering wont help me. So that’s a struggle.
I am really balancing on a small cord and I can’t do that for too long. But I do have to clean the litter box + myself. So I’m just gonna do that now I guess.. and hope I wont fall down.

Tomorrow therapy. + Talk with Brandon.




I am at my mums right now. Bless word press on mobile phone :).
The hairdresser is here and she always does my hair aswell. So on the way over here I got a huge list from my mum with topics I can’t discuss with him near. Otherwise he’ll get mad. Well this is just like my dad. Whenever we were home, my mum would call my sister and me together and tell us how we should behave so my dad won’t get mad. (Like don’t play, don’t laugh… Basically; don’t make noise, just be invisible).

So I came here (we were late cause Baby girls appointment at the vet went ‘wrong’. Been there for an hour without success. She was too wild. ) and he was super cranky. I got no ‘hello’ and he’s ignoring me and stuff.
Trying not to get bothered by it. Lets just hope I can go home within 1,5 hours.

Oh.. He’s yelling at the cat. Trigger 😠

Breathe, just breathe..

Anyway, got it off my chest now.
Sorry for grammar and spelling mistakes, my phone does not correct them. I’ll go through the post when I’m home.


My worst enemy; CPTSD a.k.a myself?

“They told me to kill the monster.. little did they know, the monster lived inside me”


If it’s ok with Katherine Doe, I’d like to quote something she said in a comment on the blog post “Adult acting like a child”.

“if I do not get the treatment I need every day, my condition could be, will be, fatal. CPTSD is a life-threatening condition.
CPTSD is often fatal- I mean suicide, of course. That’s why I like the word “survivor” so much,,. we survive the trauma, and then we must survive each day with CPTSD which is always trying to kill us.”

This is só true. It’s been going through my mind, with the quote I wrote above. (Which isn’t mine either! I found it on the internet once, anonymous)

Just thinking about my life, and not the whole part, just the present. Today and the rest of the week. I can’t even look further than that. I am already worried about this week. How the hell am I gonna survive this week? It’s a constant battle against the ‘monster inside me’/’the monster that has been awakened by the trauma’. It’s exhausting. Just thinking about this week and the worries that come with it. (Looking at last week for example, man I had SUCH bad moments. I thought it’d be fatal. And I got out, I don’t even know how! ‘Just’ enduring I think, but that is damn hard. Everything inside me feels like torture. Too much painful emotions (scared/anger/sad/agony). Which has a normal reaction to want to stop it.. And to be honest, how better than to kill yourself? I do want to say clearly; I really don’t think anyone should kill themselves! But I think it’s very logical that you might have the thoughts. Thinking of this week, and not even the rest of the year! (don’t even get me started on the month December!  😐 )This week, feels so hopeless. The excruciating feelings that come with the trigger/mood swings/flashbacks. ITS TOO MUCH. And then again the part of feeling all alone in this. No one to sit next to me and hold my hand.

Isn’t it extremely logical to think about killing yourself? I am not suicidal, but I have suicidal thoughts. Just not the desire to take action. But I am afraid, that in the moment of crisis, I will take action. Since I can not think clearly and have no one near me to wake me up or remind me.

Well I guess a good thing is to remember I got through the moments. I got through the feelings. I’m still here, I’m breathing, my heart is beating. I’m typing this. I am okay now. I will get through this week. I will. And after that, I’ll get through the next one. I AM strong enough. I survived the trauma, I will survive the aftermath.

What to do? I don’t even know. I’d suggest finding help from a professional, and find yourself some distraction. That’s where my knowledge ends. But I guess my faith remains, faith in me, faith in you, faith in recovery. I don’t care how small the flame is.. as long as it’s burning, I’ll be fighting. (Lol, if someone would tell me that in a crisis I’d probably yell at that person :/ ‘shut up, that’s stupid, this can’t be survived, my life is ruined forever. I must kill myself’ and just thoughts and stuff like that come out. But please hang on.. don’t give up on me.. or on others. Now I am more clear than when I’d be in a crisis (overwhelmed with the horrible feelings), so I guess what I say now, makes more sense than what I’d say then.

I don’t really know where I want to go with this blog post. I guess just explaining how much truth there was in those words Katherine said.

It’s 1 am here, and I am tired. That’s a good sign. Hope I’ll be asleep before 4 (and if I’m lucky maybe even 3) am this time!


Ssht, I’m trying to survive!


I’ve been kind of quiet, but not intentionally.
Weekend was ok. Saturday I went to my sisters, it was really fun and nice. At home I did have a little ‘panick/yell’ attack, against my mum. Which ended in me crying and my mom wanting to comfort me but I can’t handle her doing that.
Sunday I got triggered big time, twice. Which made it difficult to sleep.

Therapy today was ok. I was in a laughing modus, as were some of the other girls which made it fun.
Brenda was a bit annoying since I didn’t bring my security blanket to therapy and she wanted it.

There is not much to say about my thoughts right now. At least, nothing new. Still same old drama; loneliness, trying to prevent crisis etc.
Kind of emotional again every now and then, more crying that usual. But I’m still here, unharmed.

A little worried about baby girl, she’s not doing well and I have a appointment at the vet tomorrow. She gets so stressed out at the vet 😦 poor thing.

It’s weird, I’m not depressed, but I have this depressed feeling. It’s like I’m walking on eggshells around myself. Don’t feel like doing much, just want to sleep. Especially since sleeping when it’s dark out is very difficult. I love to lie in bed during the day, just relaxing, with baby girl next to me and watching a movie.

Tomorrow Polly, the vet and the hairdresser (ugh, she’s coming to my mums house which means I have to be there as well. With her boyfriend. Well.. I’ll just make the best of it).
Wednesday therapy (+ a talk with Brandon)



Spam comments


There is a filter on wordpress, who filters comments on what they think might be spam. I did look at the thing once or twice, but not much (since it was spam). But I had over 100 spam comments, so I looked at it. Unfortunately there are a lot of comments under spam, and I’m not sure why yet.
I’m sorry if anybody got the feeling of being ignored! I did unspam the comments, but if I missed something, feel free to contact me. (Contact-thing is on the ‘about me’ page)

Take care everyone!


Ps. it’s really confusing! Some things seem like spam but aren’t.. and others do make me doubt, because it seems a little weird, but then again, I’m not sure.

Adult acting like a child?


So this is going to be a post about me thinking(writing?) out loud.

Things I have read on the internet, books and heard from therapists mixed together. So I know a lot of the information (especially internet, is not reliable) so I’m just discussing with myself whats going on 😛 trying to figure it out. And maybe wondering what your views are on this.

So, childhood trauma has effects on you as an adult. I guess everybody agree’s on that.
Point 2, to me, is HOW it affects you. One point I am struggling with right now is the regulation of emotions. I do hear a lot that I am acting like a child, which i can understand and agree with. However, I am not a child. I’m an adult. I’m in my 20’s (early 20’s, but still an adult). I have read and heard that acting like a child, could be because of the stop in the emotional development (due to trauma). However your brain, and I guess knowledge and stuff, moves/develops on. So you are able to think like an adult, but just not act like one?

So that would mean that you’re emotionally still a child? But a child needs growing up… which needs guidance… sooo… who will guide you into growing up? Since you only get one set of parents, and maybe those parents were unable to do it properly, or how society might want, so that you can fit in. I don’t think anyone else will be able to take the role of parent, especially when you’re an adult. What is the point of therapy? If you process your trauma’s correctly, the child thing will go away? So by processing your trauma, your emotional development will speed up to your age? While (as far as I know) EMDR (for instance) puts the trauma in a place in your brain, where it belongs ‘correctly’, and the strong feelings with it soften. So it doesn’t bother you as much in your daily life. You wont forget, but it wont hurt as much. How does this help your emotionality (is that a word xD?) grow up?

I know small children, like toddlers, can have outbursts of anger and sadness. In which they might not realize what they’re doing with other people, when they act like that. So you have to limit them, as a parent, in a correct way. So having childhood trauma, means you weren’t limited or weren’t limited in a correct way (for instance by hitting a child whenever it showed emotion?). When the trauma is over and the child/adult is save, it continue’s where he/she has remained (being a toddler, emotional).

A situation, when a child is acting out (we’ve all seen the british nanny program right 😛 ? ) he gets a time out. I do know people give me a time out, when I’m getting too much. When I’m angry (or sad) I’ll be pissed for the damn time out. So I’ll scream and yell till that person is willing to talk to me again. And IF that person maintains the ‘ignoring’ long enough, I’ll probably give up and cry and calm down. My ex used to do this with me, which made me furious. He’d tell me ‘I’m going to stop talking to you, you aren’t being reasonable, so we can talk again when you’re calmer’. I’d flip out, he’s leaving? I’d just continue with yelling. Of course he couldn’t take it (I do have to say, I tell them very personal stuff, like that I hate them..) and he told me ‘I’m not going to talk to you for 2 hours, I’ll see if you’re calmer after that’. Well then I went all crazy (as far as i wasn’t already 😉 ) and I’ll literally tell him anything to just have him talk to me. Ignoring is SO painful. And yeah, maybe after 30/45 minutes of yelling and stuff I’ll give up, and be tired from my whole tantrum and just wait the rest of the time. When he talked to me after the 2 hours, I was calm again. However, I really can’t describe the intense feelings when he is ignoring me, or when he gives me a sort of ultimatum about me having to stop, otherwise he WILL ignore me. It’s like I panick and having him ignore me is the worst thing and might kill me. (Though rationally I KNOW I have to calm down, and won’t be able to when he’s around or when I’m talking to him)

This is incredibly exhausting for another person (I think). However, It didn’t get less over time. I kept acting like a child. Trying to push his buttons and when I did, he’d get angry, and when he got angry, I would get angry as well, and tell him all kinds of stuff. But whenever he said 1 bad thing about me, I’d lose it and remember it for the rest of our relationship.

In time I did learn how to ‘take responsibility’ (if you can call it that) for my outbursts, I’d be incredibly sorry and ashamed and afraid he’d leave me for it.

Is this me having the emotionality of a child? To be honest, is annoy’s me! And the other people around me as well of course.
I did know some people who had clear limits and were very open, honest and strict about them. In the time that I knew them, I wouldn’t even dare to cross it. I knew the consequences and I was too afraid. But then again, I didn’t know them for very long, or didn’t keep in contact with them, so I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had known them for a year. Usually they are people who don’t get mad easily and are self-assured.

And of course, I wrote this before, but people tend to see me as sweet, innocent, fragile etc. Which I’m not. Well, maybe I am sensitive, but I’m a real bitch.


So what is this ‘acting like a child’ thing. I do hear it a lot with BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well, but some people with BPD don’t have a childhood trauma, soo….. why do they do it?
How do you ‘cure’ the acting like a child? How do you grow up emotionally, when you are an adult and/or when the parent isn’t available as parent anymore?
Is there a limit prior to you should’ve learned it, otherwise you never will?

I’m just really thinking about this kind of stuff. You hear a lot of manipulating and stuff. But I don’t think people realize that I (for instance) hate being like this. Hate acting like it. Hate not having the control over my emotions. Getting angry about the smallest things. Not being able to calm down. Push someone’s buttons without realizing I’m pushing/testing them. I HATE it. I want to STOP it.
(See the image of a child irritating his mother, with a big smile, because the mother is telling the child it’s not ok to do that, but I guess the child just pushes further until the mother gets angry. And when she gets angry the child starts to cry) How do you stop the child for going further after being told it was NOT ok to do that? I DO realize it’s not ok.. like someone is taking control over me and keeps on doing it. I do realize I should stop.. I just can’t?
I do want to say that I’m not like this with everyone. LUCKILY! But almost every relationship.. and intense friendship. And unfortunately to my therapists as well. But in a different way, I did not even realize I was testing Betty and Brandon and the whole ‘crew’ until Betty told me I have to quit because she understands why I do it, but she doesn’t accept it. And yeah, that shut me up. For the time being though, a few months later I was doing it again! (And she had to be like ‘Brianna, stop’) -_- *pulls out hair*

I really don’t believe that anyone who acts like that, is happy with acting like that. Clearly it doesn’t get you anywhere. Except loneliness. (But then again, the big fear of abandonment is why you do it…….. so THIS JUST DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!)

Ahhh the mind is a weird thing.
So is mental illness. It’s complex…. it’s not just take this pill for a few day’s and you’re cured. Wish it was though..




I am so happy right now. I don’t even know why. I guess a mix of things. Had delicious lunch! I’m done with grocery shopping (I hate that). Home again. My mum is coming over to watch the voice with me! Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, which means I’ll see my niece and nephew (her cat and dog) again! 
Plus my mum is making a pie for tomorrow 🙂 ! 

I also bought some treats for the cat and dog. The cat was easy, she’s 19 (and deaf..), but she loves food and especially treats. The one I bought are kind of expensive if you keep buying it, but every once in a while is manageable! So i know she’ll be happy with it. The dog (chihuahua, and a puppy 😛 ) is a lot more difficult. I bought this tiny dog treats, haha, which we’ll probably have to break in 2 aswell. He’s kind of a hand full, of course since he is a puppy. But he’s very shy and anti-social against strangers. So whenever I go there, he’ll growl at me at first xD, it takes a while for him to get used to me. But whenever he comes here, its fine. I guess he links me to the house. And doesn’t understand it’s the same person going to his house 😛 . Ah anyway, he’s soo adorable!! 

I also love how my sister and I always bring something small for our ‘children’ hahaha. When she comes over, she’ll always bring something for my cats as well. 

Anyway, I’m excited! To see my sister, her fiancée and the cat and dog 🙂 . Probably gonna make new pictures with the dog haha. Did the same with my mum’s kitten. He is really annoying though! Super wild and naughty! With a cat it’s different, because cats are able to do more… my sisters puppy can’t even get on the couch by himself 😛 . Anyway, my mum’s cat is a real monster 😉 he’s sweet. But he doesn’t like to cuddle. I used to give him kisses, but he never liked it. He’d put his front paws on my mouth and pull himself away and turn his head xD.  He just wants to be wild and play, haha. He’s cute as well, but I don’t see him a lot anymore. 

Anyway, I’m happy! 🙂 
(and a little scared because I don’t want my mood to swing back down)


Sending some light and happiness to all of you who need it! 

Did I just survive yesterday?


Well.. It seems like I survived yesterday. I don’t even know how. It was all just such a mess.
I feel bad for my mum, she had to hear everything.

Which ended with me texting her; ‘I CANT. LISTEN TO ME. THE ONLY THING I WANT TO DO, IS DIE’
She didn’t answer.. though I saw she read it. But saying that did make me think.. If all I want to do is die, why haven’t i cut myself? Why haven’t I taken an overdose? So maybe a little part of me still has hope. Without hope you can’t live right? Actually realizing this made me stop crying.. and then I noticed how exhausted I was.
After a silence of 20 minutes I send her a crying emoticon. She said ‘I love you’, then I told her ‘Gonna go sleepy’ she said ‘Good idea, goodnight my sweet Brianna’.

I slept well though! Just heard my mum is on her way over here, and she told me she wants to take me to the McDonald’s,  childish as I am, I am very excited now.
A bit worried for the rest of the day. Hope it’ll be okay.


I’ll settle for stability


My day has been ok so far. Fell asleep around 4 am, but slept till 11.30 am so I did feel like i got enough sleep. So no nap for me today.
I had an ok day I guess, did have an hour of intense anxiety and being paranoid, but it’s settled down now. I guess this is me stable. Me not feeling much. Me living inside my head and in my own world. It’s not the best and sure I’d want more out of my life. But for now? I’m just glad with this and settle for this kind of ‘stability’. The way I felt yesterday was horrible.. So this is a big improvement. Not thinking about the future, because that will just make me sad again. Right now, today, I’m doing ok. Tomorrow a little television and saturday gonna visit my sister. Looking to saturday (as in 2 day’s ahead) is scary enough. So right now; yeah today I’m ok. Am I happy? No. Am I in a crisis? No. So I’ll settle for this feeling.