Thinking, thinking…


So a lot of thinking and kind of down feeling.

I haven’t really been much on wordpress lately however I do think I am coming back (?), but I don’t want to make any promises or statements..

My life has been different, first I had the flu, had some contact with Abraham again and met some people.. I think overall you could say I have been less lonely. Which I have been so thankful for, because isn’t that what I always wanted? What I’ve been whining for these past few months?! Well yes, it was what I wanted.
It still is… don’t worry πŸ˜‰ I’m glad with the people, I don’t regret a thing πŸ™‚

I’m just a little disappointed at myself and the situation I guess.

When I’m alone I feel terrible (Lonely, and ptsdy-ish)
When I’m with people I feel less alone, but sometimes a lot more ptsd-ish, and I guess (well I’ve been thinking) is that because I have to hide my ‘true self’? I have to hide Brenda and Peter. I have to smile and be happy. I can not break down. And to be honest and not cocky, my house is aΒ kind of nice place, people seem to like it here and hang out for a LONG time πŸ˜› , like they don’t really want to go home, they like it here, which is good. But after a while, my mind or head starts playing tricks and I start getting restless. Which of course I have to hide. But in the end, it all gets worse. I get stuck in flashbacks and nightmares. Need to selfharm and thoughts of suicide.

Which made me think; are people a trigger for me?

Then again, at therapy it’s different.. but it’s very structured. People are in control (the therapists etc) and it’s limited.

It’s like there is no good option. Well I prefer the people option, but I do realize it’s the flashbacks and the building up of restless and tension in side of me which drives them away eventually.
I just hate that I can’t talk at therapy about this because there simply isn’t any time. The holiday’s are coming up and new years and it’ll be a good 2 or maybe 3 weeks before I can talk to someone. But I can feel me slipping down.



I was feeling lonely, feeling blue..

Hi everyone,

This is going to be a short one as well.
Just wanted to write about that I’m doing better now. I am ashamed of my behaviour 😦 I really am.. I’m so sorry for the people who got hurt by it.
Had therapy today, which was intense but good. Saw Betty very quick, and she gave me feedback on my evaluation from a few weeks ago, and said ‘this is old stuff, I do feel like we’re more on the same page now’. So I’m glad about that.
I went with what I needed for now, which is my security blanket :$ + Β a normal blanket. I feel ok with it πŸ™‚
Tomorrow I have to be at 9.50 AM at the doctors for my uterus, which is scary but I’m strong enough and I have a voice so I can speak up. if I don’t feel right with her looking, I don’t have to let her. She wont be able to see anything anyway.
I can do this πŸ™‚ !


Ps. My own doctor is a male, but I spoke with the assistant and she said I should go to the female. The assistant is very nice and sweet, she is very supportive and isn’t judgemental about all the times I’ve come because of self harm. So I decided to go, with her advice, to the female doctor.