The medicated world


Sticking to my medication recipe; 24/7 zombie by oxazepam + normal medication (topomax and prozac)

There is this huge part of me who fights against taking the extra’s. Because I don’t want to rely on that kind of medication. But it’s 11 pm right now and I haven’t cried for at least 3 hours right now, and that is really a record! Sure, I have felt depressed and have been sitting on my couch staring. Made rude comments to people saying ‘life sucks’ and ‘who cares’. BUT I haven’t cried.

So maybe there’s a plus size to this whole zombie oxazepam thing.

Today I phoned again with the therapist (it’s the second time I did that) and it’s already getting too much for her. She actually told me to go talk to Betty. While she knows I can not talk to Betty. I have major issue’s with Betty, Betty knows and even put that in my file. Felt a bit irritated by that, but ok. We’ll see tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll have to work again. I AM gonna take my medication, but I will take it around 2 pm, then when I go to work, it wont be to strong anymore and hopefully people will get their drinks properly.. and their change of course.

Saturday I’ll be going on a birthday party (with sleep over) which should be fun. It’s from one of the girls from therapy.
Sunday there’s something fun to do at work, in the afternoon, so I’ll go there as well.
It seems like my weekend has got some distraction at least 🙂

Current state; head above water, finally!


I didn’t sign up for this!


It’s almost  6 am. I am sitting on the couch typing this, and I am actually ready to go to therapy. However, I am still tired.
First of all, I didn’t go for the legal advice yesterday, I figured I’m just too tired.

But.. the reason why I’m writing, I had a nightmare. (Which isn’t weird when you suffer from ptsd but..) I am going back and forth between ‘adult’ thinking ‘ah well.. sucks..’ (< to be continued though) and child thinking ‘what the hell? what about this medication I’m taking against nightmares? I want to ring the psychiatrist right now!’

This child part of me is really upset and indignant.
It wasn’t just any nightmare to be honest. It was a nightmare like I had when I was little. The same characters (a witch, a leopard, a spider).  Now that I’m awake I don’t recall knowing the people, but in my dream I knew the people who I was with. But they just didn’t care about me.
Now this might be triggering. The point is, the same thing happened. The witch chased me away (in my childhood dream she chased me away from my house) from this weird big-ass home. Which made me flee, I decided to jump into the water, which magically made me invisible for the which, but unfortunately, as usual, there was the leopard (the witch ALWAYS chased me away, INTO the arms of the leopard?!) and he was petrified underwater, but I just knew, if I looked at him too long, he’d wake up (the leopard always did abusive stuff to me and I knew this in my dream). So I kept on swimming, I felt like I was drowning, no air, still terrified. And I did this weird thing with my legs to wake my body up.

And then I woke up thinking ‘what the hell just happened?’
Although the environment in the dream was totally different every symbol in it, was exactly the same as my childhood nightmares.

So, back to the ‘adult’ thinking, although I’m doubting if I can even call it adult thinking. How am I ever gonna sleep again right?
My head is like; how about never?
But right now I’m already dog tired. So I got a plan.
Tonight! I will take my crisis medication it will knock me out into a dreamless sleep.
Thursday a friend will come over and stay the night (hurray for me, because he will be my security blanket for the night)

However! Thursday the psychiatrist is mine. No seriously, I’m calling him. And I want to up the dose of my topomax. I am scared to death of nightmares.


Seroquel/Quetiapine – My caretaker


Obsessive as I am, or maybe it’s a little bit nicer to say ‘observing’ as I am ( 😉 ), I think I know why I tend to take my crisis medication (which is seroquel XR (also known as quetiapine)) sometimes and sometimes I really DON’T want it, although I can feel really horrible.

I’ve talked about me (Brianna) and the other me part, who is like a child part of me (Brenda). Well.. I think, and to be clear, this is what I think, that when I’m mainly thinking like Brianna, I will not take my crisis medication. Because I want to deal with this on my own. I don’t want to numb out, I don’t want the medication to knock me out into a sleep (which it does), I want do this on my own. Even if it means me losing something (like, self harm or something like that).

When I’m thinking more like Brenda, I long for the medication. The medication is my ‘mother’ who takes care of me. Who calms me down. Who puts me to bed and makes sure, everything will be ok for now.

Brenda-thinking only happens when I’m very triggered. Like saturday with the police, it was absolutely no problem to take the crisis medication.
However, before the police came, I was feeling like shit and suicidal as well… But there wasn’t a part of me thinking about taking the medication, I wanted to take care of this on my own! I don’t want to be knocked out! It doesn’t solve a thing! I get angry at people telling me ‘go get your seroquel’….. like; NO. That’s easy, because I’ll be off your back for a while. But the problem will still be here when I wake up.

But when I’m in a total Brenda modus.. Seroquel? Yes please!!!! *happy face*

Seroquel is the caretaker, for Brenda.
But definitely NOT for me.

Right now (today) I’m doing pretty ok actually. I’m keeping myself busy with working on my poem book (I’m making a book of my poems, and decorating each page with something! It’s distracting and calms me down. So I guess it’s a win-win!)


Walking in circles


I called the psychiatrist today because I’ve been taking oxazepam for quite a while now (daily). He suggested a type of heart medication, that lowers my heart rate and blood pressure, I wont be able to get scared because my heart just can’t beat faster. I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is freaky?
I already refused a lot of medication he suggested due to my overweight (I weigh more than 100 kg/15 stone/220 pounds). I really don’t want to gain more kilo’s 😦 ! Food is so complicated for me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

I am getting really frustrated and hopeless. I feel everyone (Brandon, Polly, psychiatrist, myself) is trying to fix a little part of me, and in the end it’s just not working. Because I stumble on other things and I shove them forward to (for instance) Brandon, and then something comes up which I shove towards Polly (because it fits her workfield) etc.

Right now I am angry with the psychiatrist. I asked him for some time to think about it, though I already know I don’t want the heart medication. And I can feel myself in a  ‘fuck you/whatever’ mode. I don’t care anymore. WELL, fuck my sleep then. I’ll just cut my way through the night. And don’t they dare say anything about that! I’ll do it in my own way. THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAYS. Freaking heart medication. That’s ridiculous. I am not too difficult, in my opinion. I have antidepressants, antipsychotics, antiepileptics etc. But I just don’t want anything influencing my heart.

My urge to self-harm is real big right now. I feel I’m not worth it. He told me he’d fax a recipe for oxazepam to my pharmacy (while I was thinking about the heart medication, so a recipe for 2 weeks maximum). He never did!!!!! It’s the 3rd time he told me he’d do something for me, but never did.


First weekend of 2014


My first weekend of 2014 hasn’t been the best. Although I don’t really have anything to compare it to, I know I can do better.

Friday started bad and I guess it just went down hill from there.

Last year (damn, that sounds far away!) I had a lot of trouble with sleeping at night due to anxiety, so I got medication (topomax for nightmares + something else for sleeping (promethazine is the dutch word)) but the lats one is a real bitch. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I am SO thirsty. I go to the toilet every hour. I drink a LOT. Which isn’t really helpful for my wallet. My tummy isn’t really happy as well, it’s a nice side effect of medication and on top of that I have a lot of headache’s. BUT I do sleep earlier! So…..

–                                                              +
Headache                                           Better sleep
A lot of pee-ing
A lot of drinking
Dry mouth
Tummy ache

Hm…. I do like sleep, but I think this might be too much con’s.

Tomorrow is therapy day. A part of me is really happy and the other part of me is a little bit frightened about going back to the daily routine. Which means I’m getting closer to may, closer to getting released from the treatment centre I’m currently at now. Closer to change. While I really feel I’m not ready yet.

Right now I’m just nagging about the medication because I’m afraid I wont be able to sleep tonight because I won’t be taking it tonight. It’s just ‘here we go again’, the long wait till it’s 4.30 am and maybe, maybe I just might fall asleep just to wake up at 7 am to go to therapy.


How CPTSD feels to me

as far as I know these pictures were free to use, if not, feel free to contact me & I’ll remove it!)

I put this collage together with pictures from google, which is a good description to me about how (c)PTSD feels to me.

Pills (to numb everything), loneliness (walking alone, no people around you who understand you, labelled as mental, psychiatric patient, being an outcast), sadness (crying because the pain feels unbearable and rips you apart from the inside), broken (feeling broken, unfixable) and scared (childish fears).

It all seems negative, which it maybe is, but it’s also true in how I feel sometimes

But I do want to put the opposite here as well.

Pills to numb feels good, but we don’t need to. We ARE strong enough to hold our head above the water when every feeling washes over us.
Loneliness, yeah there aren’t much people who understand us. But not much means there are STILL people! Thank you WordPress and Twitter for bringing me in contact with these people, for those people to inspire me to hold on, and to those people to show me it does get better. And there are also people who TRY to understand, and try to help you where they can (though WE must do most of the work)
Sadness, it IS sad. It IS painful. It IS ok to cry about that. To grieve. But don’t forget we ARE strong enough to keep our head above the water! The pain does not define us.
Broken, we’re not broken, we are BENT and we CAN learn to love again (Pink – Just give me a reason 😉 ) it IS true. CPTSD IS treatable. And you can live a worthy life after/ the (c)ptsd. (or when you work on stabalizisation) with (c)ptsd
Scared, its OK to be scared. It’s ok to be alert. But don’t let childish fears (and by childish i don’t mean childish as in silly, but childish as in the fears you had when you were a child which WERE rightful and correct. You are older, stronger now. You ARE in control now. Take the control over your own life.
We HAVE a right to exist!

I wont give up on us!
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up.

Cause even the stars, they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I am here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

I wont give up on us.
Ps. The glee cover of this song is my favourite! (Glee – I wont give up on us) 

By the way, this doesn’t mean I am doing perfect/good/the best. I am still in my process of recovering, and dealing/walking and falling down. But there’s nothing wrong with some positivity every now and then right? 🙂

Big hug to you all! 🙂
And one extra to you Justeramaajarvi!


I never meant to start a war


What a day! Meu Deus.

So, monday, therapy day. It was really hectic because there were 2 people sick (from the team/staff) and so the whole therapy program needed to be rescheduled and people who had a talk scheduled today couldn’t, and some of them were in a really bad place so needed one. Anyway, I did ask for one myself, which I am very glad now.

It was with a very sweet psychiatric nurse, I don’t see her often individual (only when I need it & there’s no one else available) + I was lucky, I got a talk right after the therapy group thing ended, and some had to wait an hour and one girl even 2 😦 feel bad for her. Cause I could tell she really needed it and was struggling so bad.

I talked to her about the whole Randy thing. And I guess I misunderstood something. About my part in it and my fault in it. I did feel I had a part, but not a fault (which I felt was not true, because i did have a fault in it). However, she of course heard the whole Randy thing from beginning till the end (because i was in therapy there and the nurses/therapists/psychiatric talk together about us… how nice of them 😛 haha 😉 ) explained it again today. And she said it was very normal my reaction. I did not tell him too much about my problems, actually I told him enough and what i did tell him, she felt was needed to tell people i am so close with. (The general things, I’m in therapy because of ptsd > childhood trauma)

Anyway, she said its good I’m mad at him, and I shouldn’t be mad at myself. However, right now, I do need to move past it.. past the anger. Because it wont change a thing and it wont help me. I need to take care of myself. I have talked about what I was feeling (I wasn’t sure, I labelled it as angry/upset she said I was rejected and THAT made me angry/upset) which was rejection. And let’s be honest, a lot of people with ptsd deal with rejection in some form which can make the whole thing a little more painful. So I understand my emotion, I wont judge myself for it, I’m giving it the attention by talking about it with her but now I have to focus on what I can do to feel better.
So we discussed I am going to have some dinner with my mum (strict rules not to talk about any heavy stuff, just chit-chat) since she’s the only person here :’) and then take my crisis medication again and go to bed early. Tomorrow Polly will be here and she said I should call them if I feel I need to talk, about anything.

I feel confident about this solution. I know I’ll be able to handle it.
I have had serious trouble dealing with self harm in the past day’s and today and I just felt like giving it up. But i guess it’s these kind of moments where i have to keep on fighting and NOT harm myself. (I don’t even see it as self harm though, I see it as a way to release tension FOR MYSELF. So like I’m helping myself. Which makes the whole thing a little bit hard)

I had some hard moments during the talk, and of course I cried. But Peter was also telling me stuff and responding about stuff. The nurse sugested some things like dance-lessons just to do something and be with people. Me and Brenda were all ‘ÝAY DANCING!! I LOVE DANCING!’ and Peter went like ‘Have you ever seen a whale dance?’ Brenda got scared, but I just got this depressed thinking like ‘yeah youre right, I’m too fat to dance’

I AM gonna focus on getting more social contacts. But I do want to talk to Brandon or Betty about the difference between a friend and a rescuer. Uhm.. i do feel that’s a difference, but when someone would ask me what the difference is, I don’t know. Where is the line? When is someone a friend and when a rescuer. Isn’t a rescuer a friend as well? Anyway, complicated much! But Justeramaajarvi (Sweety, we need to come up with a nickname, this is so difficult to type xD ) made me realize there’s a difference between that and that I might not have seen it before which might have led to some things.

Uhm.. something else that’s been in my mind. When people meet me, they say I’m so nice, sweet, warm, cute and soft. And that they feel they need to protect me. Abraham told me this too by the way. And when they protect me, I guess I can get a little selfish in my needs and demand them. Which makes the whole thing not equal anymore. I don’t really know what it is, what makes me look so cute/fragile (people think of me like this before I tell them about ptsd by the way) because I guess that can be a point where the whole thing starts.

The taxi I went home in was a sort of bus. hahaha, so funny! I was getting in and there were all of these granny’s in there xD Sometimes the ones who ride with me are very cranky but these were so sweet and kind! 😀 Asking if I was doing okay and if I wanted to sing a song/tell a funny joke xD They really treated me like a small child (which I kind of liked #confession). This lady also was very supportive saying things like ‘very good of you dear’ SO SWEET. I felt like she was my grandma, sometimes granny’s act like you’re their grandchild, which I think is SO sweet 🙂

Oh man this is gonna be along one by the way, just want to put everything I have in my head down.

I have been thinking about my language ability’s (or maybe the fact that there aren’t much ability’s xD, no seriously). I read online that you can’t teach your child a language which isn’t your own native language (to teach it as their native language). Well my mum and dad both don’t have English and/or Dutch as their native language. Yet I had a bilingual upbringing. Dutch/English. So I think this might be the reason why my Dutch AND English is so crappy 😛 I can’t talk fully Dutch without a dictionary (translating words in English to Dutch for me) and the same goes for English. My high school was bilingual as well. Which made it hard for me to get some subjects in Dutch later on, because I had to translate everything first.
On top of that, I have dyslexia. Which means I can talk a mix of Dutch and English, but I can’t write it, because I make tons of spelling mistakes. They noticed my dyslexia in high school, which was weird, because they normally notice it when you’re young. The Dutch teacher I had then, said they might not have noticed it because I was doing ok in other subjects, but just Dutch (and particularly spelling) was something I always had insufficient for.
I have no trouble with reading though, but spelling… damn :/

So uhm.. yeah I guess this was everything, well just most of the stuff in my head.
By the way, I really enjoyed writing about my cats 🙂 ! I might do that more often 😀

Have a nice day folks!