I don’t even know what to say

Hi,

As today is monday, I had therapy.

It started out quite chaotic. I didn’t sleep well, and I got a call in the morning from the cab company that the taxi would be 20 minutes late (remember my last post? “I seem like a normal girl, on the outside”), since I knew my last reaction to the whole taxi-is-late, I tried to calm myself down with the thoughts of how it all turned out last time and it was okay to be late and I’d be able to get enough out of the therapy day in the end. (For me at that time it was very important to be at the beginning, because we discuss the weekend and to be honest, I really wanted to talk about mine, since I had a hard time, just in the hope that someone would notice me).

The taxi arrived (45 minutes late) and when I got at therapy I got in time to discuss my weekend after all! Only got stressed out a little so that’s a huge improvement from last time! 🙂
After that we had psycho-education. The topic was intimacy and trust. Well it’s not just the words that make me shiver. It was all very confronting, and I do remember the first few things said, and that it really felt like smack in the face (I even remember thinking at some point “Oh, I want to copy this into my blog! Because I really recognize myself in this!”), I did mention out loud that it was hard for me to read this because it was so confronting.

At the end of the whole psycho-education, Brenda was screaming her lungs out. The topic was something about sexuality and touching and… UGH. I just couldn’t keep control. I do remember someone asking me if I was still there with them, and I just don’t really know what happened, at some point I do remember looking her in the eyes and just being scared and not knowing how to use my voice and not wanting to use my voice. Afraid to talk. Afraid to even open up my mouth.
I walked out of the therapy room (away from the group, the therapist asked me if it would be good for me to take a walk, just to stay in the present).

I just don’t know where I went wrong. I remember being in the bathroom. With my head against the door and just pressing my fist against my mouth.
My head was all fuzzy.

Anyway, the whole day was weird and cloudy. I got the feeling that the therapists are mad at me and they don’t really like me. At the end of the day (which I struggled to get through, and often doubted if I should go ask for an individual talk) I just gave up and decided to go play nice and just go home. When it was my turn to talk about the day I said; “My day was okay! Tomorrow I’ll see Polly, and I’ll be here again on Wednesday”. And then the therapist asked me if I really was ok, and the whole thing sort of came out. No, I wasn’t ok. I felt horrible.

I felt and still feel like you all hate me! (I didn’t say that though, like they’d admit that to my face)

Did tell her I felt horrible and she told me she was glad I told the truth because she thought I felt bad.

Anyway, I still feel horrible. I feel so disconnected from my body. If I could describe it. My head is about 4 meters above the laptop, and above this body and these weird hands are typing this. I feel this weird feeling in the back of my head/neck and I don’t know.
xoxo
Brianna

PTSD is taking all of my energy

Hi,

So today had to be a normal day.
But even the most normal things are hard for me to do.

Big troubles with anxiety, flashbacks and dissociation today and I feel totally worn out right now. I’m ready to start crying like a baby and scream till someone comes and picks me up and takes me to bed.

PTSD is taking all of my energy. I feel  I can’t afford to slip much further.. I feel drained. Like I’ve been tapped… Someone has taken all of my blood but somehow still expects me to keep on living.
And the fun part is.. I get to sleep now, but sleep + night-time, never really means rest to me. So probably around 7 am (when it’s a little lighter outside) I’ll get some good sleep, till hopefully noon. And then, survive the saturday…

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets… ?

xoxo
Brianna

I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside

This blog post is very TRIGGERING due to talk about suicide and self harm

Hi,

People often think it’s weird that I have some issue’s because I seem like such a normal girl. It’s weird that I get angry a lot because I seem so sweet etc.
Looks can be deceiving.

Here’s an accurate example.

Facts Me talking to you in the present

I was in the taxi on my way to therapy. I have been writing about how hard it’s been and just me fighting through the holiday’s, holding on to this date (january second) because it’s the date I can go back to therapy and just see the girls and just be myself again. Vent. Talk. Have some real life support. So I was pretty excited about today. Kind of a ‘TGITD’ feeling (Thank God Its Therapy Day)
So I was in the taxi, and this company that drives me always manages to get me there either really early (like 30/45 minutes) or too late. Well, today was VERY important to me, so I didn’t want to be late. Btw, the drive is about 20 minutes, 25 tops. The taxi got here on time, which means he got 45 minutes to drop me of there. Well, we picked up other people on the way (which happens sometimes, they combine the rides, its cheaper for the company 😉 ) so I got stressed. Damn. I’m gonna be late! I asked the driver ‘Am I gonna be on time? I have to be there at 9.30 am’ he said to me ‘I am not sure’ I started to panick inside. Though my outside was still calm and cool, kinda poker face like, my inside started boiling. I opened my whatsapp and started talking (typing) to my mum.

Of course, we picked up another person  (besides the person we already picked up, so there was me, + another lady and NOW another male was coming in) and it was 9.15 and then I knew… I Wasn’t gonna make it.

It just exploded in me. What the hell, exploded. Why? I freaked out. I held on for SO damn long. Fought through these damn ‘holiday’s’ and for WHAT? just so that I’ll miss the only thing I’ve been looking forward too? Fuck you. I want to die. Wtf? Don’t be silly, you’re just late. I want to kill myself RIGHT NOW. I don’t care that I’m in the cab, and there are 3 other people around me, I want to slit my wrist or put a bullet through my brains RIGHT NOW.

Yeah…. I see it’s stupid. RIGHT NOW. But at that moment (back then) I can’t. At that moment, I am panicking. I don’t see how it can get better. I don’t see how I will get better. I only see 1 way out and that way is suicide. I am scared to death. Unfortunately I know, if I had something with me in my purse, like a razor, I would’ve cut myself, while I was sitting next to the driver. All the normal things go out the window, the only thing that matters is that I have to die, no matter what. I have to be gone, I have to escape.

I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside.

The ocean of depression and beach of stability

Hi,

So this whole recovery thing is really what I want to do. No doubt.

But sometimes, like now, I feel like I’m balancing in the middle.

Since I like to paint a picture (in my mind) I did it again. Like I’m used to living in the ocean.. ocean of depression and full of depressed feelings and self harm/suicidal feelings/thoughts/actions, abuse, depressing songs, depressing movies… you know? Just feeling miserable. It feels like home at some point, because I’ve been living there all my life.. I’m like a mermaid….. (lol). But it’s not working, I want to live on the shore. But sometimes it’s so cold and I long for the ocean and it find myself purposely looking up sad songs on youtube and playing them and just laying myself down in that ocean of depression. In stead of just lying on the beach of stability which gives me a feeling of restlessness.. like something’s wrong, something is just not right when I’m there. and I feel miserable when I’m in the ocean, but I feel like I’m where i belong, you know? 

I know the beach is unknown for me and I must remind myself every freaking minute of every freaking day that I do belong on the beach, and I must resist the temptation of the ocean because in the long run, the ocean just does not work ( I tried and well it just does not.. look at me now 😉 ) but still it’s so hard. 

It’s not a christmas break. Because I’m still stuck with myself. I’m not on holiday, I’m still stuck with myself. I can’t have a nice time, because I’ll always be stuck with myself. 
Jeez, that sounds depressing, but it’s just a 24/7 job, and it’s irritating. 

This afternoon I kinda collapsed after bestie went away. Brenda had a HUGE scream moment. I just went to bed and slept for 4 or 5 hours, but right now I think I’m going to bed again, just going to put on a movie or something like that. 

Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, don’t get me wrong, love my sister. 
But she can’t see me in pain, or sad, or something like that, because it hurts her. So I have to be smiling and put my mask on all day long. 
Friday I have a vacation day (Betty called it like that), permission to lie in bed all day and do NOTHING. For one day at least. 

Well off to bed I am. 
Gonna take baby girl with me =) 

xoxo
Brianna 

Thinking, thinking…

Hi,

So a lot of thinking and kind of down feeling.

I haven’t really been much on wordpress lately however I do think I am coming back (?), but I don’t want to make any promises or statements..

My life has been different, first I had the flu, had some contact with Abraham again and met some people.. I think overall you could say I have been less lonely. Which I have been so thankful for, because isn’t that what I always wanted? What I’ve been whining for these past few months?! Well yes, it was what I wanted.
It still is… don’t worry 😉 I’m glad with the people, I don’t regret a thing 🙂

I’m just a little disappointed at myself and the situation I guess.

When I’m alone I feel terrible (Lonely, and ptsdy-ish)
When I’m with people I feel less alone, but sometimes a lot more ptsd-ish, and I guess (well I’ve been thinking) is that because I have to hide my ‘true self’? I have to hide Brenda and Peter. I have to smile and be happy. I can not break down. And to be honest and not cocky, my house is a kind of nice place, people seem to like it here and hang out for a LONG time 😛 , like they don’t really want to go home, they like it here, which is good. But after a while, my mind or head starts playing tricks and I start getting restless. Which of course I have to hide. But in the end, it all gets worse. I get stuck in flashbacks and nightmares. Need to selfharm and thoughts of suicide.

Which made me think; are people a trigger for me?

Then again, at therapy it’s different.. but it’s very structured. People are in control (the therapists etc) and it’s limited.

It’s like there is no good option. Well I prefer the people option, but I do realize it’s the flashbacks and the building up of restless and tension in side of me which drives them away eventually.
I just hate that I can’t talk at therapy about this because there simply isn’t any time. The holiday’s are coming up and new years and it’ll be a good 2 or maybe 3 weeks before I can talk to someone. But I can feel me slipping down.

xoxo
Brianna

 

What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)

Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna

How can you have PTSD?

“How can you have PTSD?”

Hi,

I hear this a lot. And not just to myself, but to others as well. (It’s not like I’m walking around the street with a sight that say’s ‘PTSD’!)

I get the feeling that the average people don’t understand it.
Someone asked me that and said ‘I only thought people from the army get PTSD’
After a minute of open mouth staring I asked him ‘Why do they get PTSD?’
He said ‘Because the situation in war country’s is traumatic’
I told him ‘A lot of situations in Holland are traumatic as well’

He was quiet but told me I was right.

How the hell can people not realize this?
We are not a perfect country!

I did some research on the internet, and yeah, internet is internet but assuming I found the right statistics, and if it’s the truth it means;

• In Holland every week a child dies because of child abuse
• In Holland every year 350000 children are being abused (that are 3 kids out of every class)
• In wealthy countries (like Holland) 5 – 10 % of the girls get raped during their youth. 1 – 5 % of the boys
• In Holland every 30 minutes a pupil attempts suicide
• In Holland are more than 100000 children a witness of domestic violence every year
• In Holland 1 in every 20 kids, self harms.

source: http://informatie-kindermishandeling.blogspot.nl/2012/01/cijfers-kindermishandeling-hoe-vaak.html

You can’t be serious about asking the question how someone, who does not work in the army, has PTSD.

Holland, it costs our society about 3 billion euro’s every year to carry the costs of (the effects of) child abuse.

source: http://www.trouw.nl/tr/nl/4324/Nieuws/article/detail/1325681/2007/07/10/rsquo-Kindermishandeling-kost-de-samenleving-heel-veel-geld-rsquo.dhtml

This is a mad world..

But I wont give up.

xoxo
Brianna

My worst enemy; CPTSD a.k.a myself?

“They told me to kill the monster.. little did they know, the monster lived inside me”

Hi,

If it’s ok with Katherine Doe, I’d like to quote something she said in a comment on the blog post “Adult acting like a child”.

“if I do not get the treatment I need every day, my condition could be, will be, fatal. CPTSD is a life-threatening condition.
CPTSD is often fatal- I mean suicide, of course. That’s why I like the word “survivor” so much,,. we survive the trauma, and then we must survive each day with CPTSD which is always trying to kill us.”

This is só true. It’s been going through my mind, with the quote I wrote above. (Which isn’t mine either! I found it on the internet once, anonymous)

Just thinking about my life, and not the whole part, just the present. Today and the rest of the week. I can’t even look further than that. I am already worried about this week. How the hell am I gonna survive this week? It’s a constant battle against the ‘monster inside me’/’the monster that has been awakened by the trauma’. It’s exhausting. Just thinking about this week and the worries that come with it. (Looking at last week for example, man I had SUCH bad moments. I thought it’d be fatal. And I got out, I don’t even know how! ‘Just’ enduring I think, but that is damn hard. Everything inside me feels like torture. Too much painful emotions (scared/anger/sad/agony). Which has a normal reaction to want to stop it.. And to be honest, how better than to kill yourself? I do want to say clearly; I really don’t think anyone should kill themselves! But I think it’s very logical that you might have the thoughts. Thinking of this week, and not even the rest of the year! (don’t even get me started on the month December!  😐 )This week, feels so hopeless. The excruciating feelings that come with the trigger/mood swings/flashbacks. ITS TOO MUCH. And then again the part of feeling all alone in this. No one to sit next to me and hold my hand.

Isn’t it extremely logical to think about killing yourself? I am not suicidal, but I have suicidal thoughts. Just not the desire to take action. But I am afraid, that in the moment of crisis, I will take action. Since I can not think clearly and have no one near me to wake me up or remind me.

Well I guess a good thing is to remember I got through the moments. I got through the feelings. I’m still here, I’m breathing, my heart is beating. I’m typing this. I am okay now. I will get through this week. I will. And after that, I’ll get through the next one. I AM strong enough. I survived the trauma, I will survive the aftermath.

What to do? I don’t even know. I’d suggest finding help from a professional, and find yourself some distraction. That’s where my knowledge ends. But I guess my faith remains, faith in me, faith in you, faith in recovery. I don’t care how small the flame is.. as long as it’s burning, I’ll be fighting. (Lol, if someone would tell me that in a crisis I’d probably yell at that person ‘shut up, that’s stupid, this can’t be survived, my life is ruined forever. I must kill myself’ and just thoughts and stuff like that come out. But please hang on.. don’t give up on me.. or on others. Now I am more clear than when I’d be in a crisis (overwhelmed with the horrible feelings), so I guess what I say now, makes more sense than what I’d say then.

I don’t really know where I want to go with this blog post. I guess just explaining how much truth there was in those words Katherine said.

It’s 1 am here, and I am tired. That’s a good sign. Hope I’ll be asleep before 4 (and if I’m lucky maybe even 3) am this time!

xoxo
Brianna