So this whole recovery thing is really what I want to do. No doubt.
But sometimes, like now, I feel like I’m balancing in the middle.
Since I like to paint a picture (in my mind) I did it again. Like I’m used to living in the ocean.. ocean of depression and full of depressed feelings and self harm/suicidal feelings/thoughts/actions, abuse, depressing songs, depressing movies… you know? Just feeling miserable. It feels like home at some point, because I’ve been living there all my life.. I’m like a mermaid….. (lol). But it’s not working, I want to live on the shore. But sometimes it’s so cold and I long for the ocean and it find myself purposely looking up sad songs on youtube and playing them and just laying myself down in that ocean of depression. In stead of just lying on the beach of stability which gives me a feeling of restlessness.. like something’s wrong, something is just not right when I’m there. and I feel miserable when I’m in the ocean, but I feel like I’m where i belong, you know?
I know the beach is unknown for me and I must remind myself every freaking minute of every freaking day that I do belong on the beach, and I must resist the temptation of the ocean because in the long run, the ocean just does not work ( I tried and well it just does not.. look at me now 😉 ) but still it’s so hard.
It’s not a christmas break. Because I’m still stuck with myself. I’m not on holiday, I’m still stuck with myself. I can’t have a nice time, because I’ll always be stuck with myself.
Jeez, that sounds depressing, but it’s just a 24/7 job, and it’s irritating.
This afternoon I kinda collapsed after bestie went away. Brenda had a HUGE scream moment. I just went to bed and slept for 4 or 5 hours, but right now I think I’m going to bed again, just going to put on a movie or something like that.
Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, don’t get me wrong, love my sister.
But she can’t see me in pain, or sad, or something like that, because it hurts her. So I have to be smiling and put my mask on all day long.
Friday I have a vacation day (Betty called it like that), permission to lie in bed all day and do NOTHING. For one day at least.
Well off to bed I am.
Gonna take baby girl with me =)