‘Not ready yet’

Hi,

Last thursday I had a talk with Brandon (and Polly came with). One thing that really lingered around in my head was that he said that it was a good thing for me to pick up my school work and study, and try to keep the past as it is. (something like that) And later in life, process it.

I didn’t really go into it, but it sure did shock me. What do you mean? Aren’t I ready yet? Have you given up on me? I’m going to be stuck with this stupid trauma for more years now?! How can I study with this head of mine?
As now I am having a little bit more  peace in my head, the thinking came up about this. (+ a lot of other things)

I really agree someone has to be ready. But I really wish someone would sit me down and explain to me clearly WHY he or she things I’m not ready yet. And there’d be no 45 minute time limit, just explain untill I fully understand. Give examples.

I do think I’ve grown a lot in the last year, I went from passive to more aggressive actually. You should see me in public now though, I’m either scared or ready to fight. Standing up for myself, not dealing with bullshit someone’s giving to me. Not afraid of telling them. I’m not someone who will shut up for your pleasure. Done that a long time, no more.
I’m a little concerned about this though, I do want to be self-assertive, but not in a aggressive way. I’m afraid with all the anger in me, it might explode.

On the other hand, I see how I can’t really communicate. Though I’ve been describing above how I can be very straight forward about stuff (an example was in a store, a woman was nagging to a man about me (While I was standing in front of her) that I jumped the queue, which I thought was ridiculous. So I just told her that I thought she was talking with her friend (2 metres from the queue) and just passed them and stepped in line. No need to bash me)
But another example is me not getting what I feel I want/need. Like my pills, or safety. And my way of easily communicating is screaming (Brenda/childish like). Well, it’s totally not an adult way of communicating, but it does (to be honest) explain what goes on in my head. It literally comes out. Fear/anger/frustration/panick/sad/pain, it all comes out in a scream.

To be honest, I don’t think Betty or Brandon appreciate me doing so much research on myself, so I’ve been holding all this inside and not telling them. But I’m getting quite sick of it. Because we may be wasting time on stuff right now, while I may have sorted things out. They may disagree with me, but that’s ok. We can talk about it then. But nooooooooooo, gotta let go of my past. Well sure, but can you tell my head that?

Sure there are a lot of things still very hard for me. I can’t even describe the flashbacks I’m seeing. The things I remember. I can’t even use the Dutch word for abuse. I just can’t get that out of my mouth. Brandon isn’t even allowed to look at me while I vaguely describe things sometimes. He isn’t allowed to call some people abusers.
I guess my head is still in a lot of denial.

Anyway, I guess what I’m feeling is frustration.
Right now the only possible way of dealing feels like throwing in a few oxazepam and numbing myself out (btw, I noticed, whenever I mention medication in my posts, I get a TON of spam!! Last time, I had 931 spam comments, in a week! All add’s (full of virus probably) on how to get medication)

xoxo
Brianna

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My worst enemy; CPTSD a.k.a myself?

“They told me to kill the monster.. little did they know, the monster lived inside me”

Hi,

If it’s ok with Katherine Doe, I’d like to quote something she said in a comment on the blog post “Adult acting like a child”.

“if I do not get the treatment I need every day, my condition could be, will be, fatal. CPTSD is a life-threatening condition.
CPTSD is often fatal- I mean suicide, of course. That’s why I like the word “survivor” so much,,. we survive the trauma, and then we must survive each day with CPTSD which is always trying to kill us.”

This is só true. It’s been going through my mind, with the quote I wrote above. (Which isn’t mine either! I found it on the internet once, anonymous)

Just thinking about my life, and not the whole part, just the present. Today and the rest of the week. I can’t even look further than that. I am already worried about this week. How the hell am I gonna survive this week? It’s a constant battle against the ‘monster inside me’/’the monster that has been awakened by the trauma’. It’s exhausting. Just thinking about this week and the worries that come with it. (Looking at last week for example, man I had SUCH bad moments. I thought it’d be fatal. And I got out, I don’t even know how! ‘Just’ enduring I think, but that is damn hard. Everything inside me feels like torture. Too much painful emotions (scared/anger/sad/agony). Which has a normal reaction to want to stop it.. And to be honest, how better than to kill yourself? I do want to say clearly; I really don’t think anyone should kill themselves! But I think it’s very logical that you might have the thoughts. Thinking of this week, and not even the rest of the year! (don’t even get me started on the month December!  😐 )This week, feels so hopeless. The excruciating feelings that come with the trigger/mood swings/flashbacks. ITS TOO MUCH. And then again the part of feeling all alone in this. No one to sit next to me and hold my hand.

Isn’t it extremely logical to think about killing yourself? I am not suicidal, but I have suicidal thoughts. Just not the desire to take action. But I am afraid, that in the moment of crisis, I will take action. Since I can not think clearly and have no one near me to wake me up or remind me.

Well I guess a good thing is to remember I got through the moments. I got through the feelings. I’m still here, I’m breathing, my heart is beating. I’m typing this. I am okay now. I will get through this week. I will. And after that, I’ll get through the next one. I AM strong enough. I survived the trauma, I will survive the aftermath.

What to do? I don’t even know. I’d suggest finding help from a professional, and find yourself some distraction. That’s where my knowledge ends. But I guess my faith remains, faith in me, faith in you, faith in recovery. I don’t care how small the flame is.. as long as it’s burning, I’ll be fighting. (Lol, if someone would tell me that in a crisis I’d probably yell at that person :/ ‘shut up, that’s stupid, this can’t be survived, my life is ruined forever. I must kill myself’ and just thoughts and stuff like that come out. But please hang on.. don’t give up on me.. or on others. Now I am more clear than when I’d be in a crisis (overwhelmed with the horrible feelings), so I guess what I say now, makes more sense than what I’d say then.

I don’t really know where I want to go with this blog post. I guess just explaining how much truth there was in those words Katherine said.

It’s 1 am here, and I am tired. That’s a good sign. Hope I’ll be asleep before 4 (and if I’m lucky maybe even 3) am this time!

xoxo
Brianna

Loneliness

Hello,

I guess I’ll just mix lyrics here, quotes and me talking. It might be a bit confusing. Basically it means; I’m lonely.

I wish there was a store where I could go get some friends. I’ve lived in this town for 4 years and I do not have one friend here. It took 3,5 years to find Abraham, and yep, he ran away. I had some silly school friends (2) but that never felt ok. So when I quit school, they quit me, haha. I AM LONELY. Everybody is happy about the weekend, and me? Nope, just 3 days of doing nothing, eating out of my nose, and seeing nothing but these stupid walls. Am I not worthy of friendship? Whenever someone lives close and I am able to see them more often, they get fed up with me.
People always leave, cause I am never good enough
On Facebook for instance, did you know, when I have a like or comment, its most likely from my mother?

Run your fingers through my soul. Feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine & for once, just once.. understand.

The people who I can contact, are mostly the people who want something. By something I mean something sexual (and of course not respecting my boundaries). I refuse to go with that just to have someone around! I deserve a normal friendship!

I’m alright, I’m okay.. it only hurts when I breathe.

I can not seem to reach you, although your so close now. 

Everytime I think of you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

I feel really stupid and like a failure, don’t tell me I’m not, because i am the one with no friends. It’s like I’m toxic, whenever you’re too close to me for too long, you have to run away or you’ll get it too.

I HAD this friend, (the one who pushed me toward Betty once, remember?), but he has autism and a low IQ, nothing wrong with that. But we do conflict a lot. I just can’t anymore. I feel like he’s manipulating me sometimes, but he doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I guess he can’t, but… sigh… it takes so much energy. Correcting him. And when I feel bad or something like that, he’ll never be reasonable.
When he pushed me towards Betty, It didn’t matter at that time though, it was because I was planning to commit suicide, but he didn’t want me to, because I was the only one he still had. He’d be alone after that. It was ok for me to commit since I’ve tried so much therapy yet and stuff, but just wait till he finds someone else….. (Well then it didn’t bother me, but now I’m like; SERIOUSLY?)  I guess he’s a little selfish, but I’m sick of sticking up with it. I know he can’t help it, but I just can’t be the bigger person all the time, I don’t even want to, to be honest. Not constantly. Because there’s no sympathy for me in return when I feel bad… I know I’m maybe selfish as well.. maybe that’s why everyone leaves?

I know it takes time to make friends, I really do. So if I magically meet someone tomorrow, maybe by a year he/she and I would be good friends. HELLO, I CANT WAIT A YEAR! Plus the question always comes up ‘what do you do?’ yeah, I’m in therapy. So there goes chance number 1 to run off. If they aren’t already repelled by me.
I’m also the kind that rushes into stuff. Someone is either the best, or the worst.

It hurts me more than you know & so much more than it shows

I may have made it rain.. please forgive me.
My weakness caused you pain & this song is my sorry.

I never meant to start a war.
All I wanted was you to let me in.
All you ever did was wreck me.

don’t get me wrong, I am truly blessed for my best friend. She is the bestest friend I could wish for. I can contact her anytime I want, 24/7, I know she’ll be there for me. ❤
But…. (I feel guilty for saying but 😦 ) I do feel I need to have social interaction face-to-face, not just over the phone. It’s just different. However, I know I can lean on her, even if it’s over the phone and I am very glad for that!

What can you do, when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down.

My best intentions keep making a mess of things.
I just want to fix it somehow..
But how many times will it take? How many times will it take for me..
To get it right.

I’m looking for love, in the heart of every (wo)man,

Why am I not good enough? Why am I ‘too complicated’? Dont I deserve friendship and love? Am I so hideous? Why can’t I just act normal? Please let me act normal, let me be normal, let me be one of them.

Please..

xoxo
Brianna