A bunch of words (Poems)

In the end the nights are still cold
The nights are still long
The nights are still old
The nights are still wrong

In the end the feelings are still too much
I still feel alone
I still feel his touch
I still feel overthrown

In the end I still long for peace
I still long for rest
I still long for release
I still long for the guest

For the guest is you
My beloved friend
You are my savior
My living amend

Please hurry back to me
I know that you can set me free
I know that you can undo the chain
And help me get rid of the agonising pain

To be honest
I still wish you were here
Your strong arms around me
Your presence near

Just to be frank
It hurts me terribly deep
That you don’t have time for me
I sit evenings alone and weep

And to be clear
I certainly do not regret
Cause at least now
I can still glance at your silhouette

I adore you like sunshine
I love you like a star
Youre as attached to my soul
As the pain is to my scar

Not a day goes by
Without you on my mind
Memories can be cruel
And time can be unkind

I carry on with my life
And I try my very best
To find my own way
To complete this quest

Feeling the absence of you
Makes my whole body ache
While every step takes me further
I feel I’m about to break

I miss you like happiness
I long for you like thirst
I search for you eternally
Yeah, sweety, you’re the worst.

I am angry with my mother
With thoughts full of rage
No mercy contained within
While I stuff her into her cage

I punish her for the neglect
For abandonment pain
I punish her for never helping
For this eternal storm and rain

To him I bow down
As anyone would to a king
Although he abused me
He got me on a tight string

Despite the 20+ years I live
All I feel towards him is fear
Guilt creeps upon me
The memories make me tear

I know I am a slave
To his will for ever more
And I can only pray
That therapy will break through the core

There are no words
That can explain
That will make you understand
The hold of this abuse chain

While it has stopped
For several years now
By stepping foot on this earth
I took a loyalty vow

I’m being held by ties
Stronger than metal
With no free will
Unable to settle

Everything in me
Is set the please
No matter what part of me
Is next in line to decease

Somewhere inside of me
Despite the anxiety attack
Is the hope you will help me break free
You will stand by me, by coming back..

“I was raised from a broken seed

& I grew up to be an unwanted weed”

2 scenario’s
Both not ideal

Number 1;
Sitting on the couch, and feeling scared, feeling watched, shadows linger behind you waiting to attack. But when you turn your head you can’t see a thing.. well nothing abnormal at least.

Number 2;
Sitting on the couch, and feeling scared, feeling watched, shadows linger behind you waiting to attack. But you won’t turn your head, you just wait for them to grab you, hoping it’ll be over soon. And that they might show some mercy.

This is al so depressing and victim talk and it disgusts me and yet it’s all that comes out of me!
Right now I’m in situation 2. I just don’t care anymore. At least not right now. Not about myself.

I am save at home, nothing can happen to me and yet this feeling of fear and the shadow people are all around me. Smothering me in their darkness.

And now I’m done. Enough self-pity over here. You should see me sitting xD, looking down at my chest, with a sad face. I’d laugh at myself if I weren’t feeling so down.

I am being hit by the kind of bullets you can not see

Gonna go eat some dinner. Writing this done, made me realize I’m hungry, which isn’t weird… since it’s 9 pm and I haven’t had any dinner.



The ocean of depression and beach of stability


So this whole recovery thing is really what I want to do. No doubt.

But sometimes, like now, I feel like I’m balancing in the middle.

Since I like to paint a picture (in my mind) I did it again. Like I’m used to living in the ocean.. ocean of depression and full of depressed feelings and self harm/suicidal feelings/thoughts/actions, abuse, depressing songs, depressing movies… you know? Just feeling miserable. It feels like home at some point, because I’ve been living there all my life.. I’m like a mermaid….. (lol). But it’s not working, I want to live on the shore. But sometimes it’s so cold and I long for the ocean and it find myself purposely looking up sad songs on youtube and playing them and just laying myself down in that ocean of depression. In stead of just lying on the beach of stability which gives me a feeling of restlessness.. like something’s wrong, something is just not right when I’m there. and I feel miserable when I’m in the ocean, but I feel like I’m where i belong, you know? 

I know the beach is unknown for me and I must remind myself every freaking minute of every freaking day that I do belong on the beach, and I must resist the temptation of the ocean because in the long run, the ocean just does not work ( I tried and well it just does not.. look at me now 😉 ) but still it’s so hard. 

It’s not a christmas break. Because I’m still stuck with myself. I’m not on holiday, I’m still stuck with myself. I can’t have a nice time, because I’ll always be stuck with myself. 
Jeez, that sounds depressing, but it’s just a 24/7 job, and it’s irritating. 

This afternoon I kinda collapsed after bestie went away. Brenda had a HUGE scream moment. I just went to bed and slept for 4 or 5 hours, but right now I think I’m going to bed again, just going to put on a movie or something like that. 

Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, don’t get me wrong, love my sister. 
But she can’t see me in pain, or sad, or something like that, because it hurts her. So I have to be smiling and put my mask on all day long. 
Friday I have a vacation day (Betty called it like that), permission to lie in bed all day and do NOTHING. For one day at least. 

Well off to bed I am. 
Gonna take baby girl with me =)