First off, there might be some triggers about stuff. I’m not sure what triggers someone, but I dont want people to get triggered by me, especially not out of the blue.
Today I had an appointment at the principal’s office, well actually with my therapist/psychologist who is in charge of my treatment there so that’s why I refer to her as the principal. She’s not a bad person though! Kinda strict, but I think that’s what I need. By strict I do mean she limits me in my behaviour, she’s not afraid to tell me ‘you’re acting like a victim’ and stuff like that. She’s really straight forward, which kinda scares me, but in the end she always manages to hit the right spot and get me back up on my feet.
I had to be there with my mother, to discuss our commitment to the treatment there. I have been (please don’t judge) repelling every therapist/psychologist/nurse there, crying that I want to kill myself because I need more help (of what I felt no-one was willing to give to me so there was no other option left), blaming them for not helping me and leaving me alone, that they don’t understand me, that they’re just keeping me there because my health insurance pays them a lot etc. I could go on and on about what I said but it wont get any prettier. I have to say, at that point I really did believe that 100%. The people around me (my mum & friends) supported me, saying I was right and that I needed to go to a clinical treatment. I really don’t blame them, all they saw of me was me crying, cutting myself, feeling helpless etc. (To be honest, if they’d disagree with me without giving me a good reason to, I’d probably get mad 😦 ) My therapist, I’ll call her Betty, did disagree with me. So I got really mad and said those things. Last monday (the 16th of september) I was called to her office, out of the therapy group, because I was being too much.
She sat me down and.. well basically kicked my ass (figuratively of course 😉 ). She said that if I keep acting that way, she’ll have to send me to a clinical treatment (which I wanted before, but now that she WANTS (in my opinion) to send me away, then I don’t want to go anymore, because I feel like she’s abandoning me and sending me away, leaving me alone etc). It really hit me, because I do agree with her that a clinical treatment is not in my best interest. I can get very clingy to the people who work there, get used to their help and to be honest.. after that I’m afraid I don’t even WANT to do it alone. It’s so much saver in a clinic than the mean world out there.
I’ll try to reconstruct the conversation we had
I said to her ‘I can’t do this on my own, I need more help, you guys can’t give that to me’.
Betty ‘well, what do you need then?’
Me; I need someone who can be there for me 24/7, who I can call or visit, or will come to me, and help me through the hard times’
Betty; ‘we are a day treatment (2 day’s a week in my case), not a clinical treatment, so yes, we can’t give that to you. However you can call us if you want, maybe daily temporary if you need to and then get back on your feet’
Me; ‘that’s not enough… I need more help’ (yeah i don’t even know what I was thinking… Or what I was trying to make her say to me. Looking back, I do think I was trying to push her as far away as possible so that she would have to send me to the clinical treatment and then my head could be like ‘see! you’re dumping me!’)
Betty is really, really strict, haha. She’s also kinda scary, but I guess that’s because she see’s right through me.
She already told me before that she thinks I’m demanding and high maintenance.. well I guess that’s true. But I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with that? I feel like I need more help, otherwise I’m afraid I might kill myself in a crisis (and I was really having a lot of crisis periods) so I’m asking for more help, how can that be demanding?
My demands, are the same as a child. Maybe even the same as a toddler or baby. When I cry, someone needs to come and comfort me and make everything ok. She told me; ‘You are in your 20’s. You ARE a grown up. What you want, is like a childs need and doesn’t fit your age.’ I think I said something like ‘well I didn’t get that when I was young, so I need to get that now before I can stand on my own’. That’s when she did the final kick (looking back it’s kinda funny, the conversation, she was pushing me into a corner where I couldn’t do anything else but look in the mirror she was holding in front of me and forced me to look at my own behaviour)
Betty said ‘I’m sorry you didn’t get that as a child, and I know the child in you wants it. You want a mummy who will be there for you whenever you want. A mummy who will comfort you and help you with everything. But you’re passed that age, though you didn’t get it at that time, which IS unfair, you can’t catch that up. It wont help you, if you get that person/help right now. You have to learn to do it on your own. To comfort yourself. To calm yourself down. The emotions you’re feeling are beyond intense, but calm yourself, endure the pain and the feeling will smooth down eventually’ Well that’s damn unfair, how come other kids get it, I don’t, and I don’t even get a small catch-up. Betty; ‘Life is unfair, I’m sorry but it is. But I can’t change that for you. Nobody can. You can only accept it’ Half way through the conversation she had me crying already, because I realized, it is the child in me who wants a mummy, who wants help and support. That I have to do it alone, makes me sad.. well not alone, but that I don’t get to have that mummy, that I’ll never have the childhood I want, the save place, the warmth..
We have had the same talk like 2 months earlier. Back then it helped as well, but somehow I slipped down.
Anyhow, I was there with my mum today because my mum also really knows how to be negative, haha. Also about my treatment, that it’s not helping and stuff. Plus, she bought me some sharp razors 1,5 month ago. To help me get through the crisis, or at least to help me lower the emotion so I can think more clearly.
Betty was shocked when I told her. So we had a talk, Betty did ask my mum why she’d do that? Buy me a razor. My mum did lie, and told her we bought it together but I guess Betty picked right through that as well. She told her ‘its not supportive, yeah Brianna may say she needs that and that’s the only way she’ll calm down, but by giving her what she wants, something so destructive, you’re not helping her in the long run. It doesn’t matter if Brianna buys a razor on her own, well it does, but then she’s doing it on her own. You were buying it with her. Actually telling her its ok to cut herself. Plus it undermines the treatment.’
We came to the conclusion, well actually Betty told us what she thinks.
I (Brianna) am riding in a rollercoaster, and my mum is sitting next to me, hold my hand, to make the ride less painful (at least she thinks it helps, because me and my mum are focused on making the feeling go away as soon as possible, no matter what it takes (for instance cutting)), but by going into the rollercoaster with me, she’s going down rock-bottom with me, agree’s with me that I can cut, and then we go back up again. She should be the stable factor in my life, since I have practically no one around, only a friend who lives far away. (This is something I discussed with my mum afterwards) What she should be doing is, wait outside the rollercoaster, maybe yell some stuff like ‘endure the pain, it’ll will go away eventually, hold on’ and when I come out, she can be like ‘well done’ or something like that.
But here comes the tough part, I know it sounds very selfish, but when my mum would say that to me, I’d be pissed. Who does she think she is? Never helping me stop the abuse, never doing anything about it, just watch and see how I’m falling apart, making me become the monster I am now, and now telling me to endure the pain? Hell no *****, I was YOUR child. YOU should have protected me. Dont go blabbing stuff right now about how I have to endure the pain and am not allowed to cut myself. She is literally the last person on the earth who is allowed to say that. I’m sorry but that’s really how I feel.
I know I’m not being reasonable by thinking or feeling this. But its true. I feel like that. So I have to change that. By the way, when Betty says that, it’s ok, I can handle that and then I know she’s right. But my mum is a huge trigger for me at that point.
But how do I get my anger towards my mum out of myself? I know she’s doing everything she can RIGHT NOW to help me. But to be honest, that’s only since 3 months that she’s got my back 100% . Before it was maybe 70%, and before that 50% etc. It makes me so angry, because I want and need a supportive mummy and I didn’t get that, I wont ever get that, and have to do all this shit alone.
Ok, I’m not helping anyone by saying this stuff but I wrote it down so that others can see that I do think this, and feel this and its normal to feel that way but it’s not helpful. It wont change a thing. Life is unfair, and that’s terrible, but there’s nothing nobody can do about that. If you only have 1 spoon to eat your spaghetti, well then you gotta make it work with 1 spoon, even though the other people at the table might have a spoon and a fork, and some maybe even a spoon, a fork AND a knife. But there are also people who don’t have any of those things and they have to eat their spaghetti with their hands.
I’m not someone who thinks that you can’t complain because others have it worse. To me, only having 1 spoon is terrible, because that’s the most terrible thing I know. If someone has a spoon, a fork and a knife, but he/she loses the knife, he can complain too, because he’s like ‘where the hell is my knife? how unfair is that’.. I cant just say ‘well look at me, I only got a spoon’. Of course, logically that’s worse. But the person who lost the knife doesn’t know how it feels to only have a spoon. And I don’t know how it feels to eat with my hands, I can imagine, but I’m not in that exact position so I wont ever be able to really understand. So sure, eating with your hands is worst. But to me, only having a spoon is the worst.
Kinda lost the whole point.. why am I writing about this? xD Gotta scroll up.
Oh, that’s right, the unfairity of life xD. Uhm, well yeah, so I have to learn how to eat with a spoon. But especially accept that I only have a spoon, stop looking at the missing fork and knife, but accept the spoon. Learn how to make the spoon work.
Acceptance.. yeah that’s really hard. The (childish)feelings in me don’t want to accept. Refuse to accept. So how do I make them accept?