Nothing’s fine, I’m torn

Typed a whole lot.. then deleted it. It’s just me nagging about my life.
Not knowing what to do next. Not knowing how long it will take. Feeling lonely. Angry. Helpless. Sad.

Come and rescue me, I’m burning can’t you see?

I need a rescuer, I really do. Not someone who will do it for me. But someone who will stand next to me. Hold my hand. Hug me. Who I can see face-to-face, laugh with. Watch movies with. Go for drinks with. Someone who is near me and despite all my flaws, still believes in me. Someone who limits me when I’m crossing the line. Someone who encourages me when I’m doing well. Someone who I can talk to.

Don’t say it’s not possible. Because I really don’t believe you can do this all by yourself. Not with 1 talk a week of 45 minutes. And nobody else around you. Rotting away on your couch. I really believe you need to have a person who supports you in your life (outside of treatment) and who lives near. Well, I do. Social contact is a primary necessity of life for me.

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CPTSD; (crazy)PTSD, (confusing)PTSD or just (cracked)PTSD?

TRIGGERING!!!
Because of the huge negativity + details

Hi everyone,

You know what’s confusing to me?
I know I have (c)PTSD and right now, that’s the only diagnose I have of which they are 100% sure.

I do feel the PTSD is so complex, sometimes it’s like I have a lot of other disorders.

For instance, depression. I have been depressed from age 9 till 15. Luckily I’m not depressed anymore! But sometimes, I do feel depressed, just like I have a depression, I never want to wake up anymore, I do want to take all those pills I have in my house and just go sleep forever, I feel like I’m done and don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just DONE. Leave me alone, go away, I hate you, stay away, let me die. (& when those people leave I’m like; WTH you left me, you abandoned me)

Then I can get this major mood swing, and I can be (yep.. its ridiculous) the happiest girl on the world. Everything is beautiful, my life is beautiful (sure, it’s not perfect, but I’m happy with what I have right now), I feel like dancing and singing all around. Hugging everyone I can see. Believe the beauty is in everyone, that everyone can love and everyone only wants good things for others.

Moodswing time; im angry. I’m so pissed off. I seriously could just go destroy something. Just either cut myself, or just slap/kick someone in the face. Just beat them down. (I haven’t, don’t worry 😉 ). I can be very aggressive verbally, and it’s something I despise from myself. It’s unbelievable, what can come out of my mouth, seriously. I’m always shocked when my anger goes away of what I have said/thought. When I was younger, the nurses at the psychiatric ward were shocked of the things that came out of my mouth, and I said them with no emotion. Just calm. They say I’m manipulative. Which I guess I am. Another thing I despise.

Well, then my self-image. Somethings, I do think; well I look okay. I can see that someone might think I’m beautiful. But sometimes, I just really think I should be slaughtered for my ugliness, and I just can’t go outside, because I will just scar other people with my ugliness.

Sometimes my future is so bright, yep I’m in therapy right now, but I know I’ll make it. I really know I will.
Other times, nothing will ever get better. I just should kill myself right now.

I hate and love my mum. She is the best and the worst person.

I push people away, and blame them for leaving. When they won’t leave, I’ll walk away and blame them for not coming after me.

I’m incredibly impulsive, my money goes out the window in no time. I sell my body without even thinking about it. I can get into very intense relationships (friendships included) and just end them with no emotion and walk away.

I have this thing, when I’m in the car, I HAVE to click my fingers. It just calms me down. Nothing will happen when I don’t, but I’ll get restless.

whenever Brenda comes out, I act like a child. A stupid, clingy, silly child.

I do see things that aren’t there. I have for about 10 years now. I used to be very scared by it, not anymore. It’s just flashes of lights or just shadows. It’s mostly when I’m very stressed. It frightens me because I suddenly see something that wasn’t there before, but when I concentrate on it, its gone. So then I calm down.

Sometimes people think I have autism, because I do like things structured. I get triggered easily, so I want the things done in a way of what I know, the chance of being triggered are slim.

I do have periods where I hardly eat anything. Sometimes I just drink (Fanta/coca cola) and eat nothing. I never manage to do that longer than 1,5 day though. But I can get excited and proud of the weight I have lost. Sometimes I eat everything that is eatable. I don’t even care if its 2 am, and I’m eating pizza. After that I’ll just eat some chips and candy. Till I feel like I need to throw up (Which I’m terrified of, so I get scared)

I do have periods of intense supicious-ness, and just really thinking people are following me. I am very ashamed of this, but about 2,5 months ago, I wanted to kill my cats, because I thought satan was in them and was trying to destroy me. I have periods where I see people who aren’t there.
I do have to say, these things always happen when I’m very stressed out.

And as if it couldn’t get any better, i want to contact my dad. Why? I don’t know? What do I want from him? I don’t know? Do I want him to yell at me, curse at me? Yeah maybe. Whenever I see his face in my mind I get disgusted. Somehow I do not match that face with the word ‘dad’.
Now I’m all grossed out by myself. Motherfucking flashbacks. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Really, wth?!?!?!??!?! Someone drug me, before I do something stupid. -_-

Right now I have an IUD and probably will need to take the pill with it, yeah, why not. Lets just put all these hormones in me, that will help with the mood swings!

I feel weird, messed up, I feel like a freak.
Some say it’s suicide. I say it’s a war & I’m losing the battle

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel alone. I feel dirty. I feel pathetic. I am confused.
Brenda wants to scream. Why would she? No one will hear.. no one will help.

Respect if you made it through that negativity.
Now I’m done. Jesus Christ. Stop being so negative Brianna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just having a hard day, I’m having trouble seeing the light. I’m having trouble keeping my head above the water.
I know it’ll go over. It’s heavy right now, but it might be better tomorrow. And if not, then the day after that. I have to stop being so childish and demanding and victim-y. Be the adult that I am. Speak up. Stand up. Find the strength. Look at all the other amazing people on WordPress, fighting everyday. I can’t give up. I wont give up. Not on me. Not on us.

Going to go to bed, maybe pick out a movie first. I’ll just put on Annie.
Take my security blanket with me.

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try.

xoxo
Brianna

You gotta get up and try

Hi!

I left my house at 8 am this morning. Got back at 6 pm.
Just had dinner and now.. im SO tired.

But wanted to write this stuff down for myself right now. Get it off my chest.

Group therapy was ok. Nothing special.
Then I had my talk with Betty. She got some drinks, and when she came back she said I looked scared. I said that I was just nervous. She asked why, and we got to talking. About how I somehow lose the strength to do it alone. She is wondering still if a clinical treatment is better right now.. is that because she things I’m not strong enough? I guess it’s because I have no-one around as well. Just my mum.

Me and my mum? Not too well.

Betty did manage to make me cry again, haha. She should get an award for that 😉 I know she means well though, so I’m not mad.
A little background information again;
When I was born I used to cry like crazy. The nurse in the hospital told my mother that I don’t breathe properly when I cry (well baby’s scream right?) so she had to watch out, cause I might choke or something like that. So she got this emergency number and took me home. She was depressed by the way, I guess because of the labour/pregnancy. So she took me home, but whenever I started crying, she’d come to me directly and do anything to just stop me from crying. This basically never stopped. I have been told that baby’s reflect feelings of their parents. So when a baby is smiling, the parent will (most likely) smile back and be happy that the baby is smiling. So that is a sign to the baby that smiling is happy? I don’t know if I got it right, its how I understood it. When a baby cries, their mom/dad picks him/her up and comforts him. Telling the baby it’ll be alright and stuff. When I cried, my mum would get terrified (because I might choke) and I probably picked up the scared-ness from her, and started seeing my emotions as something scary.
Did I get it right? Well, I don’t know, I guess.

My mum continued to comfort me whenever I reached out to her. Just for her to make me stop crying, to stop the emotion from being there. I am used to this since I was pooped out. So now people are telling me to feel my emotion, and I’m just like ‘what the hell? that’s scary ass shit yo. So I’m just gonna block it, and when I can’t, I’ll call my mum. She’ll help me block the emotion (by giving me a razor for instance) and then we’ll be both happy’
However, this doesn’t work. I’m so dependent of my mum, it’s not even funny anymore. It never was though.

This all is very weird for me. Because I can remember me crying numberous times, alone, in my bed, under my desk, wherever, because I felt so alone and misunderstood.

Possible trigger!

I do wonder, well I have been told, that I got through my abuse because of me turning away from the situation. Maybe a form of dissociation or just a huge fantasy. At least, I was not connected to the body that was being abused. I didn’t feel a thing. Just blocked everything right out. Most of all, there are a lot of black holes in my memory. Sometimes I must have blocked out big parts.
One time, I must have been 6/7 years old. My dad was beating me. I didn’t cry though. I learned to surrender and wait till he’s done and after that find a ‘save’ place to break down. However, I do remember that specific moment. My mum was sitting (depressed as always) on the couch, and I looked at her (I was lying on the ground) while my dad was beating me. She looked directly into my eyes. To me, I was screaming ‘HELP ME!’ through my eyes. However, I don’t think she got the message cause she turned her head away.
After a lot of these scenario’s I went to my room, or wherever, and cried. Sometimes not though… I’d just crawl back into my imagination and pretend nothing happened.

Things like this make it VERY hard for me to believe I am spoiled, which I actually am because at some point (well when its convenient to her) she would do anything to stop me from crying or being angry. So yes, I am spoiled. But I do feel the part where she ‘neglected’ me, or where she should’ve helped me, she didn’t.
There were tons of situations where she was around when my dad was beating us/me and she didn’t do a thing. However, that specific time, I looked right into her eyes. Never again.

I am so hurt. Betty and the family therapist (who I’ll call Trudy) keep saying how my mum spoiled me and should have limit me and just let me be angry and sad without doing anything to stop me. Well….. sure… but how about all the MILLION other times I died inside huh? I feel ignored. Unimportant. It doesn’t matter.

Betty told me whenever I call her (while she’s working but I don’t have therapy there) she feels like I want something from her. I want her to stop the pain directly. But she can’t do that. She isn’t going to do that, because she thinks I should endure the pain, go through it. She feels bad about it, because she knows what I want, and what I long for but she just can’t give it to me. She said ‘it gives me a cold feeling, because I know you’re hurting so bad and I can’t help you with that, you have to do it alone’.

So I also had this talk with Trudy and my mum from 3.30 till 4.30 and we made a new agreement. Whenever I am feeling down, I can contact her, but she isn’t allowed to help. She can say to me ‘I’m sorry Bri, that you’re feeling like that. What are you going to do about it?’ But not help me, can’t come over, cant comfort me, nothing.
I do see this is better in the long run. I’ll comfort myself, and learn to deal with things on my own.

But the unfair-ity of everything hits me so hard. I’m so angry. Mostly at my mum. I feel I’m this pathetic mess because of her. I do realize I am placing blame right now, but I’m just too pissed not to. I do feel left alone by her. I try not to be too sad about it. Talk to myself that it’ll be alright. But I’m doubting it will… But I gotta get up and try

I am going to try to make some contacts in my town. The only way I know how, using the internet. Just be firm with the nasty old guys who always approach me and hope to find a friend. Not a friend to share the shit with. But a friend to do something fun. Some contact. And hopefully more than 1 friend.

Brenda is so sad. But she’s just sad. Not crying. It scares me… because I do feel her pain, yet she’s quiet about it.

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair.
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer,
And someday, someone will see how much I
care.

It’s true. Someday, someone will see how much I care. And love me for that.. not just be scared by it.

I’ll be just fine (right?)

 

xoxo
Brianna

At the principal’s office

Hi everyone!

First off, there might be some triggers about stuff. I’m not sure what triggers someone, but I dont want people to get triggered by me, especially not out of the blue.

Today I had an appointment at the principal’s office, well actually with my therapist/psychologist who is in charge of my treatment there so that’s why I refer to her as the principal. She’s not a bad person though! Kinda strict, but I think that’s what I need. By strict I do mean she limits me in my behaviour, she’s not afraid to tell me ‘you’re acting like a victim’ and stuff like that. She’s really straight forward, which kinda scares me, but in the end she always manages to hit the right spot and get me back up on my feet.

I had to be there with my mother, to discuss our commitment to the treatment there. I have been (please don’t judge) repelling every therapist/psychologist/nurse there, crying that I want to kill myself because I need more help (of what I felt no-one was willing to give to me so there was no other option left), blaming them for not helping me and leaving me alone, that they don’t understand me, that they’re just keeping me there because my health insurance pays them a lot etc. I could go on and on about what I said but it wont get any prettier. I have to say, at that point I really did believe that 100%. The people around me (my mum & friends) supported me, saying I was right and that I needed to go to a clinical treatment. I really don’t blame them, all they saw of me was me crying, cutting myself, feeling helpless etc. (To be honest, if they’d disagree with me without giving me a good reason to, I’d probably get  mad 😦 ) My therapist, I’ll call her Betty, did disagree with me. So I got really mad and said those things. Last monday (the 16th of september) I was called to her office, out of the therapy group, because I was being too much.
She sat me down and.. well basically kicked my ass (figuratively of course 😉 ). She said that if I keep acting that way, she’ll have to send me to a clinical treatment (which I wanted before, but now that she WANTS (in my opinion) to send me away, then I don’t want to go anymore, because I feel like she’s abandoning me and sending me away, leaving me alone etc). It really hit me, because I do agree with her that a clinical treatment is not in my best interest. I can get very clingy to the people who work there, get used to their help and to be honest.. after that I’m afraid I don’t even WANT to do it alone. It’s so much saver in a clinic than the mean world out there.

I’ll try to reconstruct the conversation we had
I said to her ‘I can’t do this on my own, I need more help, you guys can’t give that to me’.
Betty ‘well, what do you need then?’
Me; I need someone who can be there for me 24/7, who I can call or visit, or will come to me, and help me through the hard times’
Betty; ‘we are a day treatment (2 day’s a week in my case), not a clinical treatment, so yes, we can’t give that to you. However you can call us if you want, maybe daily temporary if you need to and then get back on your feet’
Me; ‘that’s not enough… I need more help’ (yeah i don’t even know what I was thinking… Or what I was trying to make her say to me. Looking back, I do think I was trying to push her as far away as possible so that she would have to send me to the clinical treatment and then my head could be like ‘see! you’re dumping me!’)

Betty is really, really strict, haha. She’s also kinda scary, but I guess that’s because she see’s right through me.
She already told me before that she thinks I’m demanding and high maintenance.. well I guess that’s true. But I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with that? I feel like I need more help, otherwise I’m afraid I might kill myself in a crisis (and I was really having a lot of crisis periods) so I’m asking for more help, how can that be demanding?
My demands, are the same as a child. Maybe even the same as a toddler or baby. When I cry, someone needs to come and comfort me and make everything ok. She told me; ‘You are in your 20’s. You ARE a grown up. What you want, is like a childs need and doesn’t fit your age.’ I think I said something like ‘well I didn’t get that when I was young, so I need to get that now before I can stand on my own’. That’s when she did the final kick (looking back it’s kinda funny, the conversation, she was pushing me into a corner where I couldn’t do anything else but look in the mirror she was holding in front of me and forced me to look at my own behaviour)
Betty said ‘I’m sorry you didn’t get that as a child, and I know the child in you wants it. You want a mummy who will be there for you whenever you want. A mummy who will comfort you and help you with everything. But you’re passed that age, though you didn’t get it at that time, which IS unfair, you can’t catch that up. It wont help you, if you get that person/help right now. You have to learn to do it on your own. To comfort yourself. To calm yourself down. The emotions you’re feeling are beyond intense, but calm yourself, endure the pain and the feeling will smooth down eventually’  Well that’s damn unfair, how come other kids get it, I don’t, and I don’t even get a small catch-up. Betty; ‘Life is unfair, I’m sorry but it is. But I can’t change that for you. Nobody can. You can only accept it’ Half way through the conversation she had me crying already, because I realized, it is the child in me who wants a mummy, who wants help and support. That I have to do it alone, makes me sad.. well not alone, but that I don’t get to have that mummy, that I’ll never have the childhood I want, the save place, the warmth..
We have had the same talk like 2 months earlier. Back then it helped as well, but somehow I slipped down.

Anyhow, I was there with my mum today because my mum also really knows how to be negative, haha. Also about my treatment, that it’s not helping and stuff. Plus, she bought me some sharp razors 1,5 month ago. To help me get through the crisis, or at least to help me lower the emotion so I can think more clearly.
Betty was shocked when I told her. So we had a talk, Betty did ask my mum why she’d do that? Buy me a razor. My mum did lie, and told her we bought it together but I guess Betty picked right through that as well. She told her ‘its not supportive, yeah Brianna may say she needs that and that’s the only way she’ll calm down, but by giving her what she wants, something so destructive, you’re not helping her in the long run. It doesn’t matter if Brianna buys a razor on her own, well it does, but then she’s doing it on her own. You were buying it with her. Actually telling her its ok to cut herself. Plus it undermines the treatment.’
We came to the conclusion, well actually Betty told us what she thinks.
I (Brianna) am riding in a rollercoaster, and my mum is sitting next to me, hold my hand, to make the ride less painful (at least she thinks it helps, because me and my mum are focused on making the feeling go away as soon as possible, no matter what it takes (for instance cutting)), but by going into the rollercoaster with me, she’s going down rock-bottom with me, agree’s with me that I can cut, and then we go back up again. She should be the stable factor in my life, since I have practically no one around, only a friend who lives far away. (This is something I discussed with my mum afterwards) What she should be doing is, wait outside the rollercoaster, maybe yell some stuff like ‘endure the pain, it’ll will go away eventually, hold on’ and when I come out, she can be like ‘well done’ or something like that.

But here comes the tough part, I know it sounds very selfish, but when my mum would say that to me, I’d be pissed. Who does she think she is? Never helping me stop the abuse, never doing anything about it, just watch and see how I’m falling apart, making me become the monster I am now, and now telling me to endure the pain? Hell no *****, I was YOUR child. YOU should have protected me. Dont go blabbing stuff right now about how I have to endure the pain and am not allowed to cut myself. She is literally the last person on the earth who is allowed to say that. I’m sorry but that’s really how I feel.
I know I’m not being reasonable by thinking or feeling this. But its true. I feel like that. So I have to change that. By the way, when Betty says that, it’s ok, I can handle that and then I know she’s right. But my mum is a huge trigger for me at that point.
But how do I get my anger towards my mum out of myself? I know she’s doing everything she can RIGHT NOW to help me. But to be honest, that’s only since 3 months that she’s got my back 100% . Before it was maybe 70%, and before that 50% etc. It makes me so angry, because I want and need a supportive mummy and I didn’t get that, I wont ever get that, and have to do all this shit alone.
Ok, I’m not helping anyone by saying this stuff but I wrote it down so that others can see that I do think this, and feel this and its normal to feel that way but it’s not helpful. It wont change a thing. Life is unfair, and that’s terrible, but there’s nothing nobody can do about that. If you only have 1 spoon to eat your spaghetti, well then you gotta make it work with 1 spoon, even though the other people at the table might have a spoon and a fork, and some maybe even a spoon, a fork AND a knife. But there are also people who don’t have any of those things and they have to eat their spaghetti with their hands.

I’m not someone who thinks that you can’t complain because others have it worse. To me, only having 1 spoon is terrible, because that’s the most terrible thing I know. If someone has a spoon, a fork and a knife, but he/she loses the knife, he can complain too, because he’s like ‘where the hell is my knife? how unfair is that’.. I cant just say ‘well look at me, I only got a spoon’. Of course, logically that’s worse. But the person who lost the knife doesn’t know how it feels to only have a spoon. And I don’t know how it feels to eat with my hands, I can imagine, but I’m not in that exact position so I wont ever be able to really understand. So sure, eating with your hands is worst. But to me, only having a spoon is the worst.
Kinda lost the whole point.. why am I writing about this? xD Gotta scroll up.
Oh, that’s right, the unfairity of life xD. Uhm, well yeah, so I have to learn how to eat with a spoon. But especially accept that I only have a spoon, stop looking at the missing fork and knife, but accept the spoon. Learn how to make the spoon work.

Acceptance.. yeah that’s really hard. The (childish)feelings in me don’t want to accept. Refuse to accept. So how do I make them accept?