Done

Is it christmas? Is it the that time of the year where it feels like most of the day it’s dark outside? Or is it just the trigger of that one person coming into my personal space?

I’m hoping it’s all three. Because that would mean the trigger didn’t bring me down as bad as I thought it would.
I can’t even say; back off. I can’t find the words, they’re stuck in my throat. All I can do is stare into the distance and wait. Fade away inside myself, into this emptiness. While a tiny part of me just wishes for some comfort, even if it’s from my mum. For someone to come save me. Get this thing away from me.

But it’s not my place. Not anymore. It can just go around and to its thing. No matter how it feels to me. I mean that’s what’s freedom is about right? It would take ages to write the whole story. Which wouldn’t even matter, because I like to clear my head while writing stuff down, but I’m just too scared that everyone would say it’s all in my head, my fault, that I’m overreacting.

At some point I was sitting and staring yesterday, and he touched the top of my head in a “comforting gesture” (makes me sick to my stomach), and I just kept on feeling his hand on my head, on top of my hair. Even though I knew, his hand wasn’t there anymore. After a while I just had to go rub my head against the wall to get his hand off of it.

This isn’t worth anything.
I’m done.

It’s been more than a year since..

Hi,

It’s been more than a year since I’ve seen my father for the last time. To be honest, I don’t even know the exact date, I do know it was around January or beginning of February 2013, that was the last time I saw him.

It has been such a crazy year. I still feel the chain around my ankle pulling me. But I know I’m still standing. I know he’s still pulling me down, and I remember Abraham fighting him for me.
And look at me now, its February 2014 and I’m still standing. Sure, I’m still chained up, but standing. Abraham is no where around. But sometimes I still feel his warm hand soothing the pain between my ankle and the chain. He’s still here sometimes.

I feel I’m able to handle more alone. Making more healthy choices. To be honest, getting more annoyed by unhealthy choices. The people I used to have around me, are changing. Friendships I thought would last forever, just broke. Well, I’m sad that they broke, but I really don’t want a friendship like that.

Polly is supposed to come over within 1,5 hours. She’s been canceling a lot on me lately, let’s see if she will today.
Later today another friend will come over. We’ll probably just watch a movie or something like that.

Honestly? I feel lost, I desperately need some Brandon advice, luckily I’ll see him tomorrow and talk to him tomorrow. Somehow his steadiness and calm-ness  always brings some zen into me or something like that.
And honestly? I miss Abraham.
Just a weak moment.

Sorry didn’t mean to call you but I couldn’t fight it. I guess I was weak, couldn’t even hide it. So I surrender, just to hear your voice.
Deep inside me, I feel like I’m dying. I need to see you.. it’s all that I’m asking.

Sometimes I taste the purest of pain

xoxo
Brianna

Sunday a day of stress

Hi,

Sunday is definitely not a day of rest for me. At some point I feel relieve, relieve because tomorrow will be monday again, which means Betty and/or Brandon are available again, but somehow it gives me a lot of stress as well. I don’t know if it’s just today or maybe because of this week, or most of the sunday’s. Anyway, the stress of a new week. With actually no real improvements ahead, no real things to look up to. Nothing really has changed. So it’ll just be the same, survival.

Today was a weird day. I have been a bit less dissociative I think, but just as that went away a little, the mood swings took place. I got so angry again. It’s really ridiculous how angry I can get, over nothing really. I can just burst out, and start cursing. Just explode like a volcano. If someone even asked me over what, they’d laugh because of my answer.

Thinking about therapy and wanting to switch therapists (way back, not right now anymore), it felt stupid. Because I’ll end up getting angry at them as well. It’s ridiculous, I could just go and look around and think to myself ‘oh, lets see, who do I want to hate next?’
I definitely do NOT want to get angry or upset, but it goes from 0 (completely chill, and calm) to 9 or 10 (I want to slap you in the face). There is just no in between. I don’t like being this way. And to be frank, I don’t like the dissociation as well.

I think I’m going to ask the psychiatrist for more topomax. They say (rumour has it) it’s a little bit of a moodstabilizer. Well, my ass, haven’t noticed any of it. With that something to keep me calm during the night, I know or I’ll just have to accept that it’s just too much to ask to go to sleep at a normal time, but right now I just want to be calm at night. The lorazepam helps me with that, so I’ll ask for some of that.

Tomorrow will be a very long day at therapy, I’ll be there from 09.00 am till 05.00 pm…. and as a dessert (from 04.00 till 05.00 pm) it’s a talk with the family therapist + my mum + my sister + me. I’m not even gonna put on make-up tomorrow, since I always cry at the family-sessions.

xoxo
Brianna

Disconnected from my body

Hi,

I don’t really know if I have written about this yet but I kind of wanted to sort thing out for myself and maybe help someone else with this.

I do think because of the abuse (of which I still have a lot of trouble going in to or even writing about it in detail) I have disconnected myself from my body. I actually don’t remember any different. I have always had a perfectly trained outside for social activities, as well as when I got forced into therapy. I remember reading back how they were surprised of not seeing any emotion on my face and how my voice was monotone all the time. I could talk about murdering people and keep a straight face, with a monotone voice. Which was shocking to them.
I never really connected with my body, looking back now. I did play sports, the one thing I truly loved (and still do) is field hockey and actually it’s the only sport I can really enjoy.

Other forms of exercise mostly trigger me, especially because I get aware of this body beneath my head.
To me, the ideal situation would be me just having a floating head. Unfortunately that’s not possible.

However not being aware of this body for more than 20 years has led to some stuff. Now when I do get aware of it, by for instance tummy-ache, or the flu, or simple tingle somewhere, it’s a trigger. My head explodes on the inside and everything becomes chaos, trying to push away whatever we’re feeling, because ‘OMG WE JUST FELT A FOOT’. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s very annoying. Of course things like a foot are less likely to trigger than for instant my tummy or a private part.

Whenever someone touches me, it can be an instant trigger as well. To be honest I do shake people’s hands. Which is ok, I don’t really like it, but ok. I do dislike having to kiss people on the cheek while greeting them. (I was raised in a very polite family in which I always had to do as I was told, and had to be the politest girl ever, so if the person wanted 3 kisses, I had to give three kisses.)
Most of the time the touching is ok right now, my mother is still a very tricky one, she can accidentally touch my foot (with her foot) and the whole chaos starts in my head (which triggers me and it can take an hour or sometimes 1,5 for me to calm down, but in the mean time, I have to play pretend with her, while avoiding all the physical interaction).

Right now there are literally 2 people in the world, who’s touch always has felt save. One of them was a girl at therapy (who left last year), we would hold each others hands when things would get rough and just squeeze in it, and I’d know she would tell me with the squeeze ‘I’m here, hold on’.. and I’d do the same with her. No words were needed. I would just reach out my hand.
The other person is Abraham, unfortunately I still see him as a save person and a save place on this earth. Someone who I can crawl into whenever it just gets too scary out here.

I don’t have any control over the tingling sensations in my body, it can be something in my face, on my arm, really anything. And yet everything can trigger me. It can happen anytime.

I never really realized how disconnected I was from my body, how much I had separated my head from my body. Until I realized all the small triggers that come forth from something simple as feeling my body.

xoxo
Brianna

Trust (therapy)

Hi,

Had dinner, calmed down (as far as I am able to) and I do really want to write this down.

Briefly about myself right now;
I’m not stable. I’m as stable as it gets while being unstable (if you know what I mean..). I just gotta balance on this cord I’m walking on and do the best I can. Right now I’m full aware of where I am and who I am. That’s a big improvement. The only point is, you never know for how long. I decided to write this little thing down anyway, because it’s not about the whole sexuality thing and because it gave me a little insight on myself.

A child learns to trust in others, because of the parents of which it is dependent on, are reliable in their way of acting and in the child. Which makes the child trust/have faith in the parents as well as in him/herself.
Further to this, the child learns to deal with emotions and learns to endure frustrations (delaying own needs). Enduring frustrations is a lesson the child will only learn if it’s been given the assurance that it’ll all be okay and therefore there’s enough trust.

This was a real smack in the face.
I know I can not endure frustrations. But maybe that’s because I never have faith.. faith that it’ll be okay in the end.

Looking at myself… and being honest, I know when I want something or need something, I want it directly and immediately. I know I can ball like a baby, stamp my feet like a child. Sit on the ground. Hang myself around someone’s leg. Not really knowing how to explain myself, but I could explain what tendency is.
I have to find the trust in myself to know it’ll be okay, like raise myself or something like that.

It’s just weird to have a small sentence like that make sense to so much situations. Like ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………….’

If I would explain myself right now, in words. I’d be something like this (and very Brenda like, so excuse me for that);
Help me, please. Hold me, because I am broken and it hurts. I am lonely and that hurts too. It’s cold. You are warm and I want it too. Please just hold me, you don’t even need to talk to me, just hold me and let me be. See me. It’s empty inside. Hollow. I need you.

But let’s be honest, I could never say that to someone.

xoxo
Brianna

Cruel?

WARNING! This post contains TRIGGERS

 

Am I being cruel if I say I wish I died during the abuse?
That I wish I died before my mum got divorced and moved out of the house with me?
Am I ruining the chance others didn’t get?
Am I being ungrateful for the opportunity others clearly did not get?
Am I being unthankful by chosing or wishing death? While I have the option?

I just wish it because while I was being abused I never saw a future without to be honest, or maybe I did.. I don’t really know. It’s all really blurry in my head. I do know I wanted to do porn and stuff, but part of me must have hoped this would be over sometime? Or maybe not? Because otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide when I was 13.

I wish I died before I was 16 because I didn’t know anything else but abuse. Of course I saw it in movies and stuff, but it was faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away and this was always very accurate;
31ee2584960033e816273b74efd1add2

At some point the safest place was my bedroom, however, the bedroom was IN that home! How stupid is that?!

Right now I’m seeing all these opportunity’s. These people have gone from my life and new doors have opened and yet I still cannot get past it. I’m still stuck. Almost as if nothing has changed (in my head).

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

I feel cruel for thinking.. this, let alone writing this. Disgusting and a disgrace.

But a part of me is just thinking ‘its not about comparison.. it’s just about me wanting to be dead and I just link it to the abuse that happened to ME and that is still wandering in my mind of which I just think might as well have killed me in the first place because I feel it will in the end anyways’.

Gross, what a depressive post.

Gonna go eat something and just go to bed early. Tomorrow will be the last therapy day for 2013… yikes!

xoxo
Brianna

Hush little Brenda, don’t you cry

Hi,

Had the appointment with the gynecologist today. She was very sweet and only did an echo (from the inside) and my uterus looks ok. There’s nothing abnormal with it. She did ask me if I wanter her to take a look outside the uterus, like at the cervix, but that wasn’t necessary.

Talked to Brandon, and he did manage to calm me down a little, but I got irritated because he thinks its my intestines.. Well it isn’t. I can feel the difference between my intestine, bladder and uterus. But how do you explain that to a man?
‘No uterus, no opinion!’

And why is the pain while I’m on my period the same as when I am off? It’s the same kind… so stop focussing on that damn intestine.
I asked him about body memory’s but it didn’t seem like he thought that was the problem.

I went to the piercing shop with that friend, she got a piercing, and then I went home.

I feel like shit and I feel okay. Which makes no sense at all. I can feel I am about to cry any second, though i feel ok. So I kinda label it as Brenda wants to cry. She’s really whiny right now. But I feel ok. But I don’t know anymore. Getting confused and stuff.
Can’t I just stop crying? Shouldn’t I be happy that my uterus is fine?

The more I think about it, the more sad I get. Feeling hopeless. (What is this pain??????) Seriously how can I imagine pain? Because that pain seriously hurts like hell. It hurts so much, I am willing to consider operating on myself and taking that thing out. But I wont… because now I know there’s no damage and she told me she didn’t see a reason why I couldn’t get pregnant later on.
But no… that pain feels real. And it triggers me real bad. I’m getting to angry and upset right now. So I’m just gonna lie down with a movie (Pitch Perfect).

xoxo
Brianna

I wanna believe you

When you tell me that it will be okay, yeah I try to believe you… but I dont.

Hello,

Just got back from therapy. Again a cry day.
Well the day went ok, did dissociate in my talk with Brandon, but I was able to tell him, so he got me some water (which i didn’t drink) and talked about silly stuff. After 30 minutes I was able to stand up again. (feel so stupid when that happens 😦 ) and we ended the talk.The other girls were ready aswell so we just started eating lunch.

After that we had a sort of resilience training. But it focusses a lot on your body of course, so Brenda was already very screamy and stuff so I decided to sit on the bench and watch the others. Which was ok.
Then we closed the day with a sort of talk together (we do that every week) with a nurse and I told her I was very scared for the weekend. Because I always seem to slip down. And then I remembered… tomorrow the gynecologist. So I freaked out, bursted in to tears (IN THE GROUP-_-) and couldn’t stop. So I went to Brandon again. We made a plan, i’m gonna call him at 11 am (the appointment is at 11.30) and then we’ll talk again after. We made notes of what I can say (and am able to say), it’s too difficult for me to use some words that literally describe the abuse (especially in Dutch) so I’ll use the word abuse if she asks, but not the dutch word. I just can’t get that out of my mouth.

Paragraph might be triggering!
I am so afraid, I’m sorry, but I am. I know she is a sweet person. Last time I was there (without the narcosis) she was noticing I was in a lot of pain (well I was crying and stuff) and she stopped saying ‘youre in too much pain, I don’t feel good about pushing further’ so she decided to do it with the narcosis the next time. Now I’m still having problems with the stupid IUD well, my stupid uterus. And Brandon told me it would be good for me if I can ask her to look for any ‘damages’ because of the abuse. I’m really going to die if she finds something. I’m sorry for being such a drama queen. But anyway, to find something she’ll have to open up the whole thing. With that stupid thing she uses to open up the whole fucking thing and omg, I freak out by only thinking of it. I think I’m gonna take my security blanket. My mum will be in the waiting room, but I don’t want her in. I do feel its her fault im there in the first place :$ She could help me talk about what happened.. but I don’t know.. I feel too ashamed. Too gross.
I am not crying right now, but I can feel myself holding back the tears. I’m sorry but Brenda is kinda on the background, but she IS crying and it’s weird but i feel her fear and upset-ness.

I’m going to lie in bed for now. I just dont know what else to do. Gonna eat something just to take away the fear. Focus on the damn chips or something. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m sorry this is anything but positive, but I’m so scared now. I’m going to read back my last post about how CPTSD feels for me and especially read the positive things and then just go nap for a while with a movie or something like that.

xoxo
Brianna

How CPTSD feels to me

IMG_5687
(
as far as I know these pictures were free to use, if not, feel free to contact me & I’ll remove it!)

I put this collage together with pictures from google, which is a good description to me about how (c)PTSD feels to me.

Pills (to numb everything), loneliness (walking alone, no people around you who understand you, labelled as mental, psychiatric patient, being an outcast), sadness (crying because the pain feels unbearable and rips you apart from the inside), broken (feeling broken, unfixable) and scared (childish fears).

It all seems negative, which it maybe is, but it’s also true in how I feel sometimes

But I do want to put the opposite here as well.

Pills to numb feels good, but we don’t need to. We ARE strong enough to hold our head above the water when every feeling washes over us.
Loneliness, yeah there aren’t much people who understand us. But not much means there are STILL people! Thank you WordPress and Twitter for bringing me in contact with these people, for those people to inspire me to hold on, and to those people to show me it does get better. And there are also people who TRY to understand, and try to help you where they can (though WE must do most of the work)
Sadness, it IS sad. It IS painful. It IS ok to cry about that. To grieve. But don’t forget we ARE strong enough to keep our head above the water! The pain does not define us.
Broken, we’re not broken, we are BENT and we CAN learn to love again (Pink – Just give me a reason 😉 ) it IS true. CPTSD IS treatable. And you can live a worthy life after/ the (c)ptsd. (or when you work on stabalizisation) with (c)ptsd
Scared, its OK to be scared. It’s ok to be alert. But don’t let childish fears (and by childish i don’t mean childish as in silly, but childish as in the fears you had when you were a child which WERE rightful and correct. You are older, stronger now. You ARE in control now. Take the control over your own life.
We HAVE a right to exist!

HOPE
I wont give up on us!
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up.

Cause even the stars, they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I am here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

I wont give up on us.
Ps. The glee cover of this song is my favourite! (Glee – I wont give up on us) 

By the way, this doesn’t mean I am doing perfect/good/the best. I am still in my process of recovering, and dealing/walking and falling down. But there’s nothing wrong with some positivity every now and then right? 🙂

Big hug to you all! 🙂
And one extra to you Justeramaajarvi!

xoxo
Brianna

Trust like you’ve never been hurt?

Hi!

I’m really on a roll today, just thinking… and trying to understand things.

I got a comment from a fellow blogger on WordPress which made me think (in a good way!). Betty once said to me because of the whole Abraham thing, that I am pointing my finger at him for leaving and stuff, but that I should look at my own part in it. I do hate that I don’t. But I really have trouble seeing it.
Sometimes it’s obvious. An ex of mine, yeah, I have been terrible. I know that. I am painfully aware of my own part in destroying what we had.

 

With Abraham, yeah I did blame him. I don’t anymore, but I do stand by what I said. I warned him numerous times to not ask me whats wrong because he can’t handle what I’d tell him. I told hem I’d be fine, but that he should just leave it. He didn’t, he pulled it out of me. Yeah, of course I had a choice to not tell him. But I guess he wouldn’t  understand and maybe even got mad a little and just walk away. Now I told him, he helped me, which was too much for him and he walked away. Uhhh… where is this my fault? i’m sorry and I feel really stupid, but I  really don’t see what I did wrong here. Yeah, I leaned on him like crazy, and that I shouldn’t have. I could’ve told him whats wrong. But just go to Betty the day after. I didn’t. He felt save(er) and more available, more involved and stuff. Ok… I do see the point here 😛 But I’m really not mad at him. But I used to be.

Uhm.. there was this (sort of) ex of mine.. hmmm… lets call him Bobby. I dated him when I was 16. I had hardly any experience with guys ‘my age’, he was 5 years older though I think. So when I saw him for the first time some sexual stuff happened. I was under the impression that meant we had a relationship. Which apparently we didn’t. He came over to my place when he wanted sex and he left right after that. Sure, red flags all over the place. We would have sex and I was just crying while he was doing his business and afterwards he’d be like ‘whats wrong?’. I could tell him numerous times I don’t feel ok having sex right now, I couldn’t explain him why and what was wrong with it, but I just wasn’t ok with it. He understood. Next time he came over, it happened again. I didn’t say no (my fault!!!!!!!! My part). I do feel a little double about this because of the age difference he ‘should have known’ that it wasn’t ok for him to try again. But then again, I didn’t say no and maybe the 1 time I did, he playfully got further and I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to. I’ve had contact with him on and off for years. He’d dump me when he found another girl and then contact me when she didn’t like him anymore. Stupid me, was happy enough with the ‘love’ I was getting so i let him back in. But the same stuff happened over and over again.
*fast forward to 2013*
I did have contact with him this year, uhm, I was a lot stronger than back then. I stated very clearly I only wanted to be friends and not friends-with-benefits. Whenever he made a pass at me, I would just put him back in his ‘place’. I know he’s been like this with his ex girlfriend as well. The girl he was dating before we got contact again in 2013. Whenever I was feeling upset and stuff, I could come to him, but he’d never know what to say and just make an inappropriate comment about sexual stuff he wants to do with me. It never felt ok, but I know he has a problem with is libido, its insanely high, he can’t help it. It did come to a point where he kinda put me in a corner and I just said ‘ok’ to him about something he wanted to do. When I told him later (we hadn’t done it yet) I didn’t feel ok about it, and I might get a lot of flashbacks and relive things, he’d be like ‘well you promised’. He could really get very angry with me for not wanting to anymore. Sometimes he would have this moment of clarity and tell me he loves me, and is sorry for his sexual behaviour and he knows he makes me do stuff that I actually don’t want to (he said this himself! I didn’t tell him!!). But the next day he could be like his old self again.

Ok. I can see where I made have made some mistakes. But how can it be wrong to give someone another chance? I know he has problems with his libido and that makes him act like that. Yeah, even in 2013 he hurt me A LOT. But he has an issue with his libido….. so I have to forgive him for that and give him another chance. He broke contact with me like a week ago. Honestly I think he’s back with his old girlfriend (he treated her really bad, and I told him that I didn’t think it was ok for him to do that, and he said he understuud), but it’s just a matter of time before I get an email from him again, asking how I’m doing and stuff (I bet I’ll have that email a year from now). Who am I, to not give him another chance? When he say’s he’s changed?

Sure. When this would happen to someone else, I’d be like ‘Uhh sweety you gotta wake up, he’s using you’ (that would be with someone else and I wouldn’t be involved in it). But I’m just not with  myself. And isn’t it true you should give people a chance to change? shouldn’t I help him change? To stop being so hurtful to girls (I KNOW he has hurt a lot of them, he told me in his moments of clarity). And yeah, he tells me nice things. He knows me, he knows my drama queen modus, and he accepts it. Why shouldn’t I accept his ‘drama-queen-modus’? In my modus I don’t hurt him personally, that’s true. But… yeah.. you know. I just don’t know. I feel like I should give people the chance to do things differently the next time. Because I don’t think Bobby is a bad guy. He just acts really stupid sometimes.
Yeah, my tears over the years could fill a whole swimming pool. But does that mean that I should avoid contact with him when he contacts me again and it seems like he’s changed?

I am sure that I never want a relationship with him, I’ll never trust him to that position. However I do feel for him and want to be his friend. And I feel like (sometimes?) he cares for me to. But his libido just gets in the way.

How is it wrong to believe in the good? In the better? To trust like you’ve never been hurt?

When someone rejects me because of my cptsd without even knowing me. I’d be hurt. How can someone blame me for something someone else (with cptsd) had done to them? Dont I deserve a fair chance?

There are tons of red flags around the people I meet. And my standard have gone up VERY high. I don’t tolerate the standard things you see. People asking for pictures of your full body, or cup size stuff, how many sex partners I had. When someone says that to me right now, I’m like ‘Bye!’, not in a harsh way. But because I believe that’s a sign someone is looking for something else than me. And I know if I get involved in it, I wont be able to get out easily or without being hurt. I’m saying bye as soon as I can, because the longer I know the person, the harder it’ll be to say that bye and to set a boundary.

So I’m not naive…. but I do feel people deserve second chances and yeah Bobby had about 7 of them. But again, who am I to reject him on what his problem is, when he wont reject me for mine?

Do I trust like I’ve never been hurt? Yeah! But I don’t ignore the obvious signs I described above.
I want to believe, I need to believe, people only want good for everyone. Everyone deserves a fair chance.. don’t they? When is the chance not fair anymore? People can change.. I know I want to. And I’d really appreciate it if someone would give me another chance if I screwed something up.

What am I doing wrong?

Well sure, the leaning part I did on Abraham is definitely wrong.
But other than that, in the past year, I haven’t ignored the obvious signs like I did when I was younger and yet I keep getting hurt xD

You know that moment when everyone around you gets a joke and you dont and it makes you feel stupid? I feel like that right now. I feel the stupidest person on WordPress.. everyone see’s what I’m doing wrong, I just dont, haha. *shaking my head @ myself*
I should discuss it with Betty or Brandon. Put it on the list (which already contains 100 things) I need to discuss.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. What came to my mind! Somewhere this year, between Abraham walking away and me meeting up with Randy I got a message from a guy, everything seemed perfect but it just didn’t feel right. I really didn’t know why, but he wanted my number. I never responded…. I just couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was incredibly wrong. But back then, and right now, I didn’t/don’t know what it was. I guess I’ll never know.