Coping

Hi,

After my big (dark)-blue cloud, and writing the blog post on here, which really helped. I realize just writing here, and being honest and open and getting the support from fellow bloggers is so helpful, which I think kind of lifted me up. Maybe I just wanted to be heard. To be seen, within my loneliness.
Even if it’s from a distance.

Since I’ve been sitting at home, inside all day, with this stupid cold. I wanted to go out, but not alone. I wanted to ask Abraham (yup, we can use the name again. I think being heard and seen made me a lot calmer and I think I knew what I needed, so I wanted to ask Abraham) to go for a walk outside. I knew, the chances of him saying yes were 0,001%, but I just wanted to ask him. He said he wasn’t in town.
And then this weird thing happened. I was like; well okay!
I texted him back; ok!
And I didn’t even really mind the fact that he said no. But I really enjoyed the clarity of the no. I don’t need to sit all evening doubting myself if I should ask him. Or maybe even cry because I feel so alone. I actually felt quite good. Maybe some other time.

I cleaned the house a bit, did the laundry (I was real behind on that), I even cooked myself some dinner (may I add that I haven’t cooked in the last 9 months) and right now I’m pretty tired so I’m going to go to bed.
Tomorrow Polly will come (hopefully), and I’ll be going to the pet store, because it was baby girl and baby boy’s birthday today! They turned 6 πŸ˜€
I’m such a proud mum πŸ˜€ I’m gonna buy them 2 toys and a little treat.

Here a picture of them I took today πŸ™‚

babyboy babygirl

 

xoxo
Brianna

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Good evening!

Hello,

I had a good evening actually. Didn’t do much special. My mums cat is here, since she’s out-of-town. He’s doing well today! Not as shy anymore, and playing around (Being annoying πŸ˜‰ ) Β even broke some stuff already.. sigh πŸ˜‰

I sang a LOT! πŸ˜› And recorded some stuff haha. I like doing that.. I don’t know why. Sometimes I like singing the song and recording it because I feel my own emotions in it and I obviously know what emotions I’m feeling and/or what situation I’m thinking.

I was chatting a bit on internet as well, was fun, just random talking πŸ™‚ good distraction and made me laugh a couple of times.

I have good hopes for the night and tomorrow. Tomorrow my mums cat is going home again, I think I’ll miss him. He’s really active, but sometimes it’s nice to have a real cat around the house. Mine are really lazy. Although, that might be the real cat attitude πŸ˜›

So about to go to bed. Watch something on the laptop and just relaxing till I fall asleep.

I’m doing good! Only cried once today! Which is a huge progress haha. Of course crying isn’t that bad, but crying because of loneliness gets annoying πŸ˜‰ like; I know I’m lonely, no need to remind me.

But this evening I didn’t feel lonely. Felt like a normal evening, with myself and some internet/phone contact. I did ignore the fact that it’s a saturday evening/night and people my age are probably out in the town. However, everybody lives their life the way they can. And right now, I’m satisfied with mine πŸ™‚ it’s ok for now.

xoxo
Brianna

Wobbly

Hi,

 

Oh my, what a day!

First I had a talk with Polly, which was ok. Just really standard.. but ah, I’m glad I have her for 2 hours a week. I can always vent my stuff
Then I talked to this old internet friend of mine (I wrote about him once… Hmm I’ll call him Sander). And it was really funny. I really laughed a lot and it was just like old times. Talking about random things, laughing.. teasing each other. So my afternoon was kind of fun actually.

Then I had to go to the vet with baby girl. Which was terrible. Been there an hour but she just wouldn’t calm down 😦 the vet was really nice and very helpful.

After that my mum, for the hair dresser. Well that was ok. Just the normal tension.

But right now. Please drug me. I’m so wobbly (what a funny word though!) restless in my arms especially. Smelling things from my childhood which trigger me. (They aren’t here though, I have this a lot sometimes, I guess it’s a ‘smell memory’? Like smelling your dog after he already died and stuff… )
I do need to clean the litter box today (Last time was Sunday which ended in me gagging uncontrollably again and shaking over my whole body) so I’m kind of scaredΒ of that now. Plus I really gotta try to clean myself in some way. Showering might be a step to far. So maybe just at the sink in the bathroom. Ugh, why is this so annoying? Cause.. yeah my clothes are clean, I use deodorant etc. so I don’t think I’m very smelly. My mum usually tells me, ‘Brianna, you’re getting smelly’, but she didn’t say that today so I guess I’m ok? Anyway, I feel disgusting, but I know showering wont help me. So that’s a struggle.
I am really balancing on a small cord and I can’t do that for too long. But I do have to clean the litter box + myself. So I’m just gonna do that now I guess.. and hope I wont fall down.

Tomorrow therapy. + Talk with Brandon.

xoxo
Brianna

Smile

Hello!

I am so happy right now. I don’t even know why. I guess a mix of things. Had delicious lunch! I’m done with grocery shopping (I hate that). Home again. My mum is coming over to watch the voice with me! Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, which means I’ll see my niece and nephew (her cat and dog) again!Β 
Plus my mum is making a pie for tomorrow πŸ™‚ !Β 

I also bought some treats for the cat and dog. The cat was easy, she’s 19 (and deaf..), but she loves food and especially treats. The one I bought are kind of expensive if you keep buying it, but every once in a while is manageable! So i know she’ll be happy with it. The dog (chihuahua, and a puppy πŸ˜› ) is a lot more difficult. I bought this tiny dog treats, haha, which we’ll probably have to break in 2 aswell. He’s kind of a hand full, of course since he is a puppy. But he’s very shy and anti-social against strangers. So whenever I go there, he’ll growl at me at first xD, it takes a while for him to get used to me. But whenever he comes here, its fine. I guess he links me to the house. And doesn’t understand it’s the same person going to his house πŸ˜› . Ah anyway, he’s soo adorable!!Β 

I also love how my sister and I always bring something small for our ‘children’ hahaha. When she comes over, she’ll always bring something for my cats as well.Β 

Anyway, I’m excited! To see my sister, her fiancΓ©e and the cat and dog πŸ™‚ . Probably gonna make new pictures with the dog haha. Did the same with my mum’s kitten. He is really annoying though! Super wild and naughty! With a cat it’s different, because cats are able to do more… my sisters puppy can’t even get on the couch by himself πŸ˜› . Anyway, my mum’s cat is a real monster πŸ˜‰ he’s sweet. But he doesn’t like to cuddle. I used to give him kisses, but he never liked it. He’d put his front paws on my mouth and pull himself away and turn his head xD. Β He just wants to be wild and play, haha. He’s cute as well, but I don’t see him a lot anymore.Β 

Anyway, I’m happy! πŸ™‚Β 
(and a little scared because I don’t want my mood to swing back down)

xoxo
BriannaΒ 

Sending some light and happiness to all of you who need it!Β 

My babies!

Hi!

I do want to ‘end’ this week with something positive.
I have read the comments, but I’ll respond to them tomorrow πŸ™‚ but I do want to say; thanks for commenting!
This blog post has nothing to do with ptsd btw but its part of my daily life!

Well sometimes I talk about my cats, which are my babies πŸ˜›
I have 2. They are brother and sister and I’ll start with the brother.

I wont state his name here since its a pretty rare name however, I do want to show you guys a picture of him. He’s so pretty ❀ haha but I am prejudiced.
bbboy

He’s really sweet but a real cat. He can be very arrogant and demanding. This summer he had a thing with my Birkenstocks (sandal) and he demanded to sleep with it. Whenever I forgot to lay it next to my bed on the ground (I put them on my wardrobe because his sister licks the sweat out xD ) he’ll just wake me up to so I’ll put it on the ground. I have a short video of him with the Birkenstocks, how he is putting it into place to sleep xD
He’s a real pussy, scared of everything. His motor skills aren’t very good. He has trouble doing things normal cats are able to do (like his sister). But that makes him even more adorable to me πŸ˜› (But I feel bad because people always laugh at him for it. :/ I know it’s me being too sensitive but I dont like it. He can’t help it.)
He is very picky about his food, well he eats a lot, so I really have to keep track of how much he is getting, otherwise he’ll just get too fat. He’ll eat his sisters food as well. But he wants nothing to do with food that doesn’t look like food (to him). For instance little cat treats that are kinda meat-y.

He is so sweet when I’m feeling bad. He’ll just come to me and lie on me or next to me. When I’m feeling ok he’s usually sleeping somewhere (always in the same room as I am though!).

He can look really bitchy sometimes as well. Often towards my mum, she often says if looks could kill, she’d be dead.
About the demanding part, I have taught him some things are just not acceptable. When he slept (as a kitten) he’d get angry for us talking while he was trying to sleep (he was in the livingroom while he just could’ve gone to my bedroom and sleep there) So he just has to accept that people talk around him, and if he doesn’t like it, he can go sleep in my bedroom (Which is always open to him and his sister) He’s ok with people talking now, but not other weird sounds.. like clicking a pen, then he’ll get cranky πŸ˜‰

Anyway, he’s the sweetest ever. And I love him! πŸ™‚

His sister;
bbygirl

Is actually quite the opposite of him. She’s small and skinny while he’s big and chubby. She eats EVERYTHING, haha, even though she’ll get diarrhea. Quite annoying πŸ˜‰
She is like a dog sometimes, she’ll follow me around everywhere. I can’t go to the toilet without her. She’ll miauw and scratch the door to get in. So right now (when I’m home alone!) I’ll just go to the toilet with the door open, haha. But she’s not allowed to come in. She’ll start licking me and stuff and then I can’t concentrate πŸ˜›

She is so sweet aswell. But very lick-y, she just licks everything that is possible. And her tongue (cat’s tongue’s in general) are very raw. So when she keeps on licking the same spot, It’ll hurt eventually. I get more frustrated with her sometimes, because she never leaves me alone. Even when I’m in bed and just checking my phone, she’ll push the phone out of my hands with her head. -_- sigh.
Anyway, she’s really sweet though. They way she follows me everywhere, wants to be with me. And most of the time, it’s her who’s sleeping with me. I have a double bed and I have my side and she has hers haha.

So sometimes she seems more like a dog. And she can get very stressed easily. Especially about other animals in the house. (My sisters dog for instance) While her brother is more ‘if you stay away from me its fine’ she’s more ‘get the **** out of the house’ πŸ˜› That’sΒ weird because they grew up with a dog and particularly she really loved the dog.

Right now they are inside because I live in an apartment. But when I lived with my mum both of them went outside everyday. While the boy would stay away for a long time and only come to eat and sleep. She’d make small rounds and check in every now and then (which was annoying as well, because every hour I had to open the door for her just to make a little round through the house and then she’d want to go out again)

They are both very afraid of the vet, sadly. She freaks out like hell, she’s untreatable when she’s conscious (unless she has a high fever, then she’s a little mellow). He is also upset at the vet most of the time, but he’ll just make some noises, while she really screams (like cats you hear in cartoons).

unfortunately when I got them, they were 7 weeks old and I’ve had cats all my life but I didn’t notice they were ill. They had the cat flu and a bacteria (which humans could get as well, so I got it too, thanks sweety’s πŸ˜› ! ) They had heavy treatments and both of the diseases went away, though they’ll always sneeze and I have to pay attention what kind of sneeze it is (a normal Β ‘i had the cat flu when I was a baby’-sneeze or ‘i am having the cat flu right now’-sneeze)
They both also haveΒ congenital heart defects. But right now they’re doing fine. It’s just really important that I know how they’re doing and really pay attention to it because they’re extra fragile.

But anyways, I love them. ❀
We’ve been together for more than 5 years, and I can’t imagine them not being here anymore.
People also often ask me if I have a favourite, but I honestly dont. They are so different, but I really love them equally.

Here 3 more pictures πŸ˜€
bbyboykitten
Baby boy sleeping when he was little! (and sick 😦 see the bald spot on his paw? He was covered all over the place with them)

bbygirlkitten
Baby girl when she was little. (Also sick… her eyes were very dirty, you might see it)

bbysplaying
But they were very alive, playing and WILD. It really shocked me how wild baby cats are with each other!

Well, these are my roommate’s πŸ™‚ haha

Goodnight everyone!

Wish you all a good week!

 

xoxo
Brianna

The sun is shining!

Hi everyone!

Its only 1 pm here, but I think I finally know what people mean when they say you lose a big part of the day, when you sleep till noon.
I had a doctor’s appointment around 10 AM, it went well. Got a referral to the gynecologist, she didn’t make an issue of that. Was very friendly, helped me figure out what I have to do to get either, my old gynecologist or another woman, but not a male.

Then I went home, and just cleaned the whole house, haha!
It’s so clean right now πŸ™‚ Dont wanna move because I’m afraid i might spoil it. Which is ridiculous of course πŸ˜‰ When I make something dirty I can just clean it up right after that.
Cleaning up was actually kind of fun. I felt good doing it, just put on my music with my headphones, and sang and danced around while I was cleaning. Too bad my cat (the girl) followed me around everywhere. Usually I clean when she’s asleep (IF I clean, whaha) but she was wide awake, and happy I was home, so she followed me everywhere. Whenever I opened a cabinet, she climbed in, so I had to take her out and stuff, but it was ok πŸ˜› Didn’t get mad at her, she just wants to be around her mummy, which is soooo sweet!

My cat (the boy πŸ˜‰ ) was sick yesterday, having diarrhea and stuff 😦 so I took him to bed with me (what made his sister jealous, so she crawled in bed with us), he seems to be doing a lot better now! Playing around and stuff, being annoying, so he’s feeling ok again πŸ˜‰

And best part of all;
MY BEST FRIEND IS COMING OVER!!!!
She’s on her way over now, so I’m going to pick her up at the train station within half an hour. I’m so excited, haven’t seen her over a year I think. Though we talked a lot, it’s different when you see each other face-to-face. Last time I saw her, was with her birthday last year, she was at a psychiatric ward and I came to visit her with a birthday cake (Which was all warm after the long ride over there xD) and we did have some fun. But I’m so glad I get to see her again today πŸ™‚ !

I feel blessed, feeling good and surrounded by beautiful things.
The weather seems gorgeous outside, gonna spend the rest of the afternoon with my bestie, my cats are feeling ok.

Yep, I am very happy πŸ™‚ !

xoxo
Brianna