It’s not right but it’s ok?

Hello,

Well I’m on a roll right now. I want to write about this because it is really bothering me.

Uhm.. i do feel I need to warn, because I’m kinda pissed right now. It’s not pretty what I’m writing.

Remember that guy I used to date? I named him Randy (The blog was called; Where do the broken hearts go? https://cptsd2013.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/where-am-i-now/)

Well… sometimes I still think about him.
And not because I like him, because I really really really…. DONT. I am actually kinda mad at him. For him to use me for sex and then just fricking walk away because it obviously meant no shit to him. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t treat people like that!! I’m really shocked, because I did think he was so different (which he also said to me ‘im not like most guys.. BALBLALBLABAL’) And then when I tell him about how it made me feel, he’s just like ‘you live in fairy tales (YEAH MY WHOLE FCKING LIFE HAD BEEN A FAIRYTALE) and you’ll see sometimes things just don’t work out’ UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *********, I KNOW THAT. Stop acting like you’re the best person in the world, because you really aren’t. And stop acting so superciliously. Because we’re all freaking equal okay? I’m no better than you, but youre also no better than me.

I really want to contact him. I feel so angry because not just of his behaviour but about the fact that he doesn’t even care I’m so damn hurt?! He doesn’t even deserve the fact that i feel hurt over him. luckily I’m not crying, because it doesn’t hurt THAT much. But I AM PISSED. I really want him to feel bad about what he did. Is this selfish of me?
You know when I hurt people, because let’s be honest, we all do.. Intentionally or not. I do feel bad about that. I don’t want him to commit because I got hurt, but just acknowledge that (in this case) he didn’t handle it all well. Look, when you hurt someone by rejecting them BEFORE SLEEPING WITH THEM, and they get hurt, sure… you can feel bad but you know you’re being honest. if you ******* me and just act all sweet and stuff and then just dump me because I freaking smoke (which he knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I have a bad attitude towards life (yeah after you slept with me and dumped me I did!) and want to much clarity (well it’s true, I do need that). Ok.

I just want him to feel bad about that. Not in a ‘im a horrible person’ way (he acted horrible though) but just in a ‘oh, i really hurt her, I should take care that I wont do it again with another girl’ and maybe even say SORRY. Does he even know what that word means? I don’t want to ask for the sorry, because then I wont believe it. But yeah, to be honest, he can shed a few tears because over me.

But whatever he says, (unless it’s an ‘im sorry, I was being selfish, I see that now, i hope you find someone better than me’ (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, I wish) it will just hurt me. I know that. And that’s the only reason I am not contacting him. (yet…) YOU KNOW I AM JUST PISSED OK. I FEEL LIKE GOING TO HIS CAFETERIA AND JUST GIVE HIM A SLAP IN THE FACE AS HE DESERVES.

And most of all, I hate myself for STILL being hurt over this. Just freaking let it go. It’s not the first time someone used me for sex :’) it’s the first time I didn’t notice though… well he was a really good actor.. acting like he cared about me and stuff. The others did that too, but it was just so obvious they were just in it for the sex.

Ok, I  really need to calm down now and just wait a while before posting this. I might want to change something into something a little nicer……… although I don’t feel like I owe it to him. But to the people who read it.

—-

 

Well it’s about 2 hours later haha. I facetime-d with my sister and told her about my anger and frustration and hurt (we mostly talked about other stuff though 😉 ). She understood (she followed everything from nearby and even met him once) but she said its hopeless to email him about what I want to say to him. I wont get the sorry, and if I did, she thinks I wouldn’t be satisfied with it. She understands the frustration about how I feel it’s just not ok to treat someone like that and feel nothing about it. Everyone hurts others, that’s just a fact i guess. But when I hurt someone, a friend, an ex or whoever, intentionally (I feel really bad afterwards) unintentionally (I feel bad too!, but I know I didn’t mean to and in the example above I know it’s for the best in the end) However, I’m really not saying I’m a saint, really am not. But I just got so massively hurt by him, I never saw it coming and I should have started running a long time ago (Haha “over you” lyrics from Chris Daughtry 😉 )No I’m serious, I honestly don’t ever want someone to feel like that. I guess the element of surprise was the thing that made it hurt so much.

I AM gonna post this, because the last paragraph is the reason I am calm now. She confirmed my hurt, and understood it (my sister) but she also said it’s pointless for me to email him. I’ll just get hurt more. I don’t have the power to protect other girls like me from that kind of pain and the chance he’d listen to me is also 0,000001%.
So anyway, the last paragraph is valuable, to me in the future but maybe to others as well.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. Just read the post back (spellingcheck), I sound so arrogant :$ . But this is a blog where I want to be honest and give someone else a look into my head, thoughts and views. If you disagree with something, just tell me. I am not almighty and I make a LOT of mistakes 😉
I do want to state that this (the first part) was in the heat of the moment, haha. Well, I’m not gonna say I’m not pissed anymore, but I’m more passive about it now I guess. (It is what is it, only thing I can do is accept it and learn from it for in the future)

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Thinking, reflecting and worrying

Hello everyone,

I don’t really have something that happened or a topic  I want to write about. Just about me, and what I’m doing now and stuff.

Well I guess its been kind of obvious I’ve been really realizing my loneliness. It’s weird, because it’s not that different from a week ago. I guess I’m just looking in the mirror, at my behaviour. I just can’t stop but think about friends.. who aren’t friends anymore.
I do feel like social contact is a sort of food for me,without it, I feel kind of empty. I am SO blessed and thankful for the internet contacts here on WordPress for instance, and the phone contact I can have with my sisters and best friend, I really am. Without that I’d be lost. But I guess it’s a part of being a human, that you always long for more. I’d love some face to face contact. I don’t even mind if it’s just drinking somewhere. Or looking for a book in a bookstore with someone. I really feel like I need that face to face interaction, a reason to get dressed. A reason to do my hair.

I feel empty. So empty. Been crying a lot yesterday evening and today. But not in a bad way, I am crying, but I do feel I’m stable. I texted my sisters asking if she wants to facetime today. So maybe we’ll talk for an hour on facetime. I’m going to text my best friend, to see how she’s doing today.

I’m going to look at a project they have in Holland were you get a sort of buddy (they are volunteers) who can do something with you. Thanks for the tip justeramaajarvi!
But I do feel like a total failure. That I am so socially awkward and not able to make friends in a normal way. But my home counselor (Polly) said she would think of a way I can meet people without going to a sports club/school. I’ll see Polly again Tuesday, so I hope she’ll have some ideas by then.
I’ve been all over the internet, believe me. Dating site’s, friendship site’s. But I’m sorry, there’s just a lot of trash over there. And yeah, I am picky. I just don’t want someone who wants me for sex. And most of them want that. Even though its a freaking friendship site, you get in contact, then they start talking about a (love) relationship, and when you say you’re not interested in that (because the person is just not my type, I’m really not thát picky!!! It’s just that i do feel I have to set some boundaries, like age and the way they look at things. A lot of people are like ; oh you’re feeling good? Then you can go to school again, and stop your therapy. They just don’t understand. Yeah, right now I’m feeling good. But within an hour I could be in the hospital because of self harm!   Ok.. breathe Brianna…..) *when you tell them you don’t want a love relationship with them* they just walk away. I’m only good enough for a relationship with a lot of sex of course. But when I don’t want to kiss and stuff they just walk away. Not good enough as just a friend.
Do I need to lower my demands? Because if someone here thinks so, please tell me. I don’t feel like I should, but yeah, I’m still alone xD so maybe that’s the whole point.

I really don’t want to act all victim-y but how the hell do I meet people. And you know, when I do meet them, how the hell do I keep acting normal? It may seem arrogant, but it seems like I have a quality that attracts other people who are a bit lonely as well, so we are both willing to spend very much time together (which makes the friendship very intense), but whenever you spend much time with me (and by much I do mean see me for 5 times a week, sometimes with sleep over) you do get to see my mood swing, and maybe even me crying because of stupid shit. Yeah, I’ll freaking scare everyone off. But should  I just tell them ‘no, I can’t right now, I’ll talk to you tomorrow’ and then sit alone and eat out of my nose again? Because we both know (me and that other person) I have nothing better to do. And when I am honest about not feeling that good, (I guess) a normal person would want to help. And that’s where they get involved and step into my emotion rollercoaster. Till they get nauseous and step out of the rollercoaster and run out of my theme park. (Lol, not the fun kind though)

I see a pattern. But I don’t see a way out of the pattern.
So this is bothering me. The lonesomeness and the if-I-find-contact-what-should-I-do?

Basically, like I wrote about a few posts back. The ptsd is complex, it makes me complex. It makes it hard for other to stay around me. It makes me lonely.

xoxo
Brianna

Where do the broken hearts go?

Hi 🙂

There is one thing that has been dominating my mind all day long.

It’s about a guy (lets call him Randy). We dated a few weeks and I was quite open about my history. He knew I had been abused and that I’m in therapy for PTSD (I never added the C because nobody knows what it means). I’ve had a REALLY bad year date-wise and I actually had totally given up on the idea that he would be something. After a few weeks of texting every now and then I agreed to meet him up. He picked me up with is car, which was a really big deal for me, because it shows effort and I am not used to that. So basically he acted like a real gentleman and it did sweep me of my feet.
He was kinda distant at first, which made me doubt things, but then we kissed. It felt really magical. I got all warm inside, something I really don’t usually. We took everything very slow and I really got the feeling he wanted to do things on my pace too. He (is?) didn’t seem like the kind of guy who sleeps around (nothing wrong with that, but that could mean that sex has to be special) so I thought we were both on the same page. I did break my own rule and had sex with him because everything felt so good. It was.
But then I started doubting everything. I got confused. ‘He was so sweet during the sex, why hasn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend yet? Maybe he thought it was terrible, or that I was terrible, maybe he noticed my used body and it disgusted him’. Lets just say, I was driving myself crazy. He is a very closed person so I wasnt sure (never really talked about my problems with him besides telling him that I’m in therapy and stuff) if I could be open with him. So I decided to ask him. He said yes, but I guess that’s were everything changed.

To sum it up, he broke it off like a week ago with a lame-ass excuse. Yesterday I talked to him and said I couldn’t be just friends with him as he wanted. I really didn’t understand how he could sleep with me and then just dump me.
He obviously didn’t see my point, which I can understand cause in my mind things can go very quickly, things can trigger etc. But I also felt he wasn’t trying to understand.
I did ask him the questions I needed to know before breaking all contact. It was very painful, they didn’t even make sense. Like how he doesn’t like my smoking? Well.. we met on a dating site and it said there that I smoke. We even talked about it before we met?! I feel like he’s pointing all those things out just to give himself a reason. One thing he said was that he’s more someone who likes to be surprised by life and stuff and that I need certainty. Well that’s true.. He’s not able or wiling to give that to me and that I can accept.
But the way everything went is just so painful. He said to me ‘after the first time sex, the tension wears of and people relax more and then you really get to know the other person, sometimes it just doesnt click’ are you serious???? You have to freaking sleep with someone to get to know the other person? Well I don’t? I really DONT understand that and it hurts that I feel like I really trusted him, too much. I expected too much. I’ll never get the normal answers, or the answers that will satisfy me. It’s not that I don’t want to hear anything negative, it’s that this doesn’t make sense to me. So then the thoughts come back like ‘yeah im used shit, nobody wants that’. Ok.. positive again.
Anyhow after a night of crying and feeling like shit I decided I didn’t have the time for time to heal my wounds. I’m in a hurry. So I visited healmybrokenheart.com and did the quiz and now I’m doing the lessons.
Yeah, it definitely still hurts but not as much as last night. I can’t even begin to explain how that felt. I described it to him as if I was ran over by a train, but somehow my outside was still intact. I felt terrible. No one there to comfort me like I wanted.. a hug or something.

Still the questions wonder in my mind. What is the truth? Yeah, I’ll never know. I’m defintely not willing to talk to him now or in the near future. I’m too full of emotion and not able to be an adult about it and probably let my emotion speak.
I do realize if he acts like this and (yeah im gonna bring it up again) says that sex is something that tells you if you fit, I dont even want to be with him. Yeah I like him, no.. I like who I thought he was. He now just seems like a cold person, made of stone.. youre gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul… Its the hurt talking right?

Its just really on my mind. Trying to understand, trying to deal with it (the pain mostly). I am positive I will find someone who wil be right for me. I am glad that it became clear quite quickly that he wasn’t. But why does it hurt then? It should be logical, he’s not right for me, ok bye bye. But my hearts acting stupid. Like, what is your problem? Youre asking to get hurt. Youre not even trying to protect yourself. < talking to my heart btw.

However, I found my trigger situations about him. Those are the late evenings/nights and I think I’m doing quite well, Cause im not watching my phone to see if he texted me. I know he wont. I dont want him to. Well maybe I do.. but then that he’d say something like ‘Im sorry’, it would make me feel better. Wouldnt change a thing though.. but just a little emotion from him. But thats too much to ask for.

Its not a bad guy, its really just the hurt talking. I know he’s more good than bad and that he didn’t try to hurt me intentionally.. but he did hurt me. (and isnt even trying to understand that he hurt me.. God, I’m getting angry again :/ )
Live and let live right, I dont want to hurt him, It wouldnt make me feel better, I think it’d make me feel worse. I just wish…. yeah wish… someone was here, to hold my hand through this all. To hug me. To tell me I’m doing okay, and that I’ll be fine. Someone who I can be honest with. But I got to do it on my own. I got to learn ‘self-consilation’, and that’s what I’m doing now. Fix myself. Talk to myself. Tell myself it’ll be alright. Tell myself I’m an okay person. See the positive in me.

So I wanna end this drama-blog with some positivity. I’m going to bed anyways, its past midnight here and I have to be at therapy tomorrow at 9am.

Why would someone want me?
– I do have a sense of humor
– My laugh is funny
– I can be super excited about something tiny
– I have a warm heart, a lot to give, and I’ll give a lot if you ask me to and treat me well
– I’m creative
– I’m open. (This may be seen as something negative, but I personally dont, because I really want to work things out by talking about it. I do realize that makes me one of those talk-woman, but whats wrong with that? Why wouldn’t you want to talk? That I want to talk, means that I care, and I dont feel right when something between us doesn’t feel right.)
– I’m openminded
– I’m a good listener and give advice
– I’m not afraid of confronting people and give my opinion if I think that will help them further
– I’m honest
– When I give.. I’ll give 200%, I’ll have your back even when you did something that was wrong.

Damn, I gotta stop or my head will explode 😉

I’m a good person. I’m not bad, naughty or a whore. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.

xoxo
Brianna