Well I’m on a roll right now. I want to write about this because it is really bothering me.
Uhm.. i do feel I need to warn, because I’m kinda pissed right now. It’s not pretty what I’m writing.
Remember that guy I used to date? I named him Randy (The blog was called; Where do the broken hearts go? https://cptsd2013.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/where-am-i-now/)
Well… sometimes I still think about him.
And not because I like him, because I really really really…. DONT. I am actually kinda mad at him. For him to use me for sex and then just fricking walk away because it obviously meant no shit to him. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t treat people like that!! I’m really shocked, because I did think he was so different (which he also said to me ‘im not like most guys.. BALBLALBLABAL’) And then when I tell him about how it made me feel, he’s just like ‘you live in fairy tales (YEAH MY WHOLE FCKING LIFE HAD BEEN A FAIRYTALE) and you’ll see sometimes things just don’t work out’ UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *********, I KNOW THAT. Stop acting like you’re the best person in the world, because you really aren’t. And stop acting so superciliously. Because we’re all freaking equal okay? I’m no better than you, but youre also no better than me.
I really want to contact him. I feel so angry because not just of his behaviour but about the fact that he doesn’t even care I’m so damn hurt?! He doesn’t even deserve the fact that i feel hurt over him. luckily I’m not crying, because it doesn’t hurt THAT much. But I AM PISSED. I really want him to feel bad about what he did. Is this selfish of me?
You know when I hurt people, because let’s be honest, we all do.. Intentionally or not. I do feel bad about that. I don’t want him to commit because I got hurt, but just acknowledge that (in this case) he didn’t handle it all well. Look, when you hurt someone by rejecting them BEFORE SLEEPING WITH THEM, and they get hurt, sure… you can feel bad but you know you’re being honest. if you ******* me and just act all sweet and stuff and then just dump me because I freaking smoke (which he knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I have a bad attitude towards life (yeah after you slept with me and dumped me I did!) and want to much clarity (well it’s true, I do need that). Ok.
I just want him to feel bad about that. Not in a ‘im a horrible person’ way (he acted horrible though) but just in a ‘oh, i really hurt her, I should take care that I wont do it again with another girl’ and maybe even say SORRY. Does he even know what that word means? I don’t want to ask for the sorry, because then I wont believe it. But yeah, to be honest, he can shed a few tears because over me.
But whatever he says, (unless it’s an ‘im sorry, I was being selfish, I see that now, i hope you find someone better than me’ (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, I wish) it will just hurt me. I know that. And that’s the only reason I am not contacting him. (yet…) YOU KNOW I AM JUST PISSED OK. I FEEL LIKE GOING TO HIS CAFETERIA AND JUST GIVE HIM A SLAP IN THE FACE AS HE DESERVES.
And most of all, I hate myself for STILL being hurt over this. Just freaking let it go. It’s not the first time someone used me for sex :’) it’s the first time I didn’t notice though… well he was a really good actor.. acting like he cared about me and stuff. The others did that too, but it was just so obvious they were just in it for the sex.
Ok, I really need to calm down now and just wait a while before posting this. I might want to change something into something a little nicer……… although I don’t feel like I owe it to him. But to the people who read it.
Well it’s about 2 hours later haha. I facetime-d with my sister and told her about my anger and frustration and hurt (we mostly talked about other stuff though 😉 ). She understood (she followed everything from nearby and even met him once) but she said its hopeless to email him about what I want to say to him. I wont get the sorry, and if I did, she thinks I wouldn’t be satisfied with it. She understands the frustration about how I feel it’s just not ok to treat someone like that and feel nothing about it. Everyone hurts others, that’s just a fact i guess. But when I hurt someone, a friend, an ex or whoever, intentionally (I feel really bad afterwards) unintentionally (I feel bad too!, but I know I didn’t mean to and in the example above I know it’s for the best in the end) However, I’m really not saying I’m a saint, really am not. But I just got so massively hurt by him, I never saw it coming and I should have started running a long time ago (Haha “over you” lyrics from Chris Daughtry 😉 )No I’m serious, I honestly don’t ever want someone to feel like that. I guess the element of surprise was the thing that made it hurt so much.
I AM gonna post this, because the last paragraph is the reason I am calm now. She confirmed my hurt, and understood it (my sister) but she also said it’s pointless for me to email him. I’ll just get hurt more. I don’t have the power to protect other girls like me from that kind of pain and the chance he’d listen to me is also 0,000001%.
So anyway, the last paragraph is valuable, to me in the future but maybe to others as well.
ps. Just read the post back (spellingcheck), I sound so arrogant :$ . But this is a blog where I want to be honest and give someone else a look into my head, thoughts and views. If you disagree with something, just tell me. I am not almighty and I make a LOT of mistakes 😉
I do want to state that this (the first part) was in the heat of the moment, haha. Well, I’m not gonna say I’m not pissed anymore, but I’m more passive about it now I guess. (It is what is it, only thing I can do is accept it and learn from it for in the future)