Windless

Hi,

I think it’s fair to say I spend the last 3 days in crisis. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. A lot of tears, pain, triggers, and pills came with. I desperately tried to keep my head above the water by just grabbing pills and numbing myself, by calling Polly and asking for her help. Calling my mother. Brandon..
Today I think I’m out. I think I’m ok, I think I made it through.

I have only cried once today, which is pretty normal for me. I actually laughed and played some music. Went outside, fed myself etc.

I am so so so sorry for nagging, and I don’t want to be ungrateful, or someone who always has something to complain about. Right now I’m experiencing a lot of loneliness again. To be honest, I am amazed by the fact I got through this horrific crisis without any self harm. No cutting, no overdose, no suicide attempt. I kinda want to scream it out at Abraham just to have him tell me how proud he is.

I have noticed myself sometimes saying ‘I want Abraham’, as Justy explained to me, sometimes due to childhood trauma, feelings can be something weird. Not really recognized. But people are. I can’t deny that. What I, and a lot of other people, do/did, I matched Abraham to a feeling of safety. So when I say ‘I want Abraham’ I might just be saying I want to feel save.
Right now, I do want Abraham, but I feel save, so I know I want the company, the laughter, the smiles and giggles.
I know that ‘I want Abraham’ has 2 meanings, safety or actually Abraham him-self.

I’m out of this crisis storm and just ready to get back up on my feet. Don’t want to take everything too quick, but want to leave this nasty feeling behind me.
I decided and sorted some things out on the internet, I do not have the money to finish my high school properly in a normal way ( like High School for adults πŸ˜‰ ), so it’ll probably be a home study, but, let’s be honest, things like Biology and German are not really things that are easy for me so I’ll have to find a tutor for that.
In the mean time I can do volunteer work and make sure I’m still surrounded by people and not rotting away on my couch. πŸ˜‰

So that’s my plan and I’m pretty confident about it right now πŸ™‚
I hope there’s some sort of financial support that I can get, because my mum and I literally are squeezing ourselves into corners to just have everything go smoothly.
But finishing school and having my diploma can get me into the University for studying and then work sooo in the end it has to be worth it.

xoxo
Brianna

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Crisis

Hi,

Monday was therapy day, and a long one. As much as I’d like to write it down clearly, I can’t. Because it’s not clearly in my mind. My talk with Betty was good but hell. I tried to tell her about the trigger (from january 3rd) but I couldn’t really describe it and I started crying. Like a fucking baby. Shit came out of my nose I think, I just couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t breathe properly. Brenda kept screaming in my head for safety in her own way.
Betty kept asking me ‘what can I do for you?’
All I could think of was; take care of me, help me get through this. Help me stay save. Help me through the evening and night. HELP. Get Abraham here. Ofcourse I couldn’t say any of these things, well I could, but she can’t do any of those things so instead I said ‘I dont know/nothing’. I couldn’t even look at her, I kept looking down at my lap and just hoping, wishing, wanting to disappear.

I kept on crying. We went for a walk outside which seemed to calm me down. I stopped crying and started talking about bullshit just to get my head out of the loneliness feeling (I do remember myself crying because I felt this huge agonising pain because of the thought of the upcoming evening + night + day and the loneliness that comes with). But just as we got back in (my mum and sister were already sitting in the waiting room), I started crying again.
Betty asked if I wanted to go into her office again but I said no. What’s the point?

Then I had the family talk with my mum + sister + me and the therapist. But a lot of crying there as well. I was totally broken, torn and just done. At some point I just knew, I have to do something because I will lose it. In the middle of the whole talk I just took my crisis medication.
It numb-ed me out. And eventually when I got home, knocked me out into a sleep.

Today Polly came over and I could see she got shocked because of how I looked. My eyes were beyond swollen. Of course still in my pyjama’s. She came in, asked how I was doing and I started crying again. To sum it up, I’m going to ask for a short stay in the open unit (1 or maybe 2 nights), just to get some rest. Tried to call the psychiatrist for some medication for tonight but he’s on a ‘team day’ today?! Just my luck!
I called Brandon because I want to ask him tomorrow for that stay in the open unit (I called him at 1 pm and was told that he would call me back). At some point it was 4.50 pm and I hadn’t got a call back. Beyond frustrated of course (had called twice in the mean time). I called again and finally got to speak to him, of course my mind is now beyond suspicious and all theories about how he didn’t want to talk to me or how they’re talking about me behind my back and maybe trying to ship me off to a clinic.
Anyway, I can see him at 8.45 tomorrow morning.

But now, I need to survive this evening and night. By even the thought of that, I start crying. So I’m just gonna have to take it one minute at the time.

xoxo
Brianna

Did I just survive yesterday?

Hello,

Well.. It seems like I survived yesterday. I don’t even know how. It was all just such a mess.
I feel bad for my mum, she had to hear everything.

Which ended with me texting her; ‘I CANT. LISTEN TO ME. THE ONLY THING I WANT TO DO, IS DIE’
She didn’t answer.. though I saw she read it. But saying that did make me think.. If all I want to do is die, why haven’t i cut myself? Why haven’t I taken an overdose? So maybe a little part of me still has hope. Without hope you can’t live right? Actually realizing this made me stop crying.. and then I noticed how exhausted I was.
After a silence of 20 minutes I send her a crying emoticon. She said ‘I love you’, then I told her ‘Gonna go sleepy’ she said ‘Good idea, goodnight my sweet Brianna’.

I slept well though! Just heard my mum is on her way over here, and she told me she wants to take me to the McDonald’s, Β childish as I am, I am very excited now.
A bit worried for the rest of the day. Hope it’ll be okay.

xoxo
Brianna

I never meant to start a war

Hi,

What a day! Meu Deus.

So, monday, therapy day. It was really hectic because there were 2 people sick (from the team/staff) and so the whole therapy program needed to be rescheduled and people who had a talk scheduled today couldn’t, and some of them were in a really bad place so needed one. Anyway, I did ask for one myself, which I am very glad now.

It was with a very sweet psychiatric nurse, I don’t see her often individual (only when I need it & there’s no one else available) + I was lucky, I got a talk right after the therapy group thing ended, and some had to wait an hour and one girl even 2 😦 feel bad for her. Cause I could tell she really needed it and was struggling so bad.

I talked to her about the whole Randy thing. And I guess I misunderstood something. About my part in it and my fault in it. I did feel I had a part, but not a fault (which I felt was not true, because i did have a fault in it). However, she of course heard the whole Randy thing from beginning till the end (because i was in therapy there and the nurses/therapists/psychiatric talk together about us… how nice of them πŸ˜› haha πŸ˜‰ ) explained it again today. And she said it was very normal my reaction. I did not tell him too much about my problems, actually I told him enough and what i did tell him, she felt was needed to tell people i am so close with. (The general things, I’m in therapy because of ptsd > childhood trauma)

Anyway, she said its good I’m mad at him, and I shouldn’t be mad at myself. However, right now, I do need to move past it.. past the anger. Because it wont change a thing and it wont help me. I need to take care of myself. I have talked about what I was feeling (I wasn’t sure, I labelled it as angry/upset she said I was rejected and THAT made me angry/upset) which was rejection. And let’s be honest, a lot of people with ptsd deal with rejection in some form which can make the whole thing a little more painful. So I understand my emotion, I wont judge myself for it, I’m giving it the attention by talking about it with her but now I have to focus on what I can do to feel better.
So we discussed I am going to have some dinner with my mum (strict rules not to talk about any heavy stuff, just chit-chat) since she’s the only person here :’) and then take my crisis medication again and go to bed early. Tomorrow Polly will be here and she said I should call them if I feel I need to talk, about anything.

I feel confident about this solution. I know I’ll be able to handle it.
I have had serious trouble dealing with self harm in the past day’s and today and I just felt like giving it up. But i guess it’s these kind of moments where i have to keep on fighting and NOT harm myself. (I don’t even see it as self harm though, I see it as a way to release tension FOR MYSELF. So like I’m helping myself. Which makes the whole thing a little bit hard)

I had some hard moments during the talk, and of course I cried. But Peter was also telling me stuff and responding about stuff. The nurse sugested some things like dance-lessons just to do something and be with people. Me and Brenda were all ‘ÝAY DANCING!! I LOVE DANCING!’ and Peter went like ‘Have you ever seen a whale dance?’ Brenda got scared, but I just got this depressed thinking like ‘yeah youre right, I’m too fat to dance’

I AM gonna focus on getting more social contacts. But I do want to talk to Brandon or Betty about the difference between a friend and a rescuer. Uhm.. i do feel that’s a difference, but when someone would ask me what the difference is, I don’t know. Where is the line? When is someone a friend and when a rescuer. Isn’t a rescuer a friend as well? Anyway, complicated much! But Justeramaajarvi (Sweety, we need to come up with a nickname, this is so difficult to type xD ) made me realize there’s a difference between that and that I might not have seen it before which might have led to some things.

Uhm.. something else that’s been in my mind. When people meet me, they say I’m so nice, sweet, warm, cute and soft. And that they feel they need to protect me. Abraham told me this too by the way. And when they protect me, I guess I can get a little selfish in my needs and demand them. Which makes the whole thing not equal anymore. I don’t really know what it is, what makes me look so cute/fragile (people think of me like this before I tell them about ptsd by the way) because I guess that can be a point where the whole thing starts.

Anyway!
The taxi I went home in was a sort of bus. hahaha, so funny! I was getting in and there were all of these granny’s in there xD Sometimes the ones who ride with me are very cranky but these were so sweet and kind! πŸ˜€ Asking if I was doing okay and if I wanted to sing a song/tell a funny joke xD They really treated me like a small child (which I kind of liked #confession). This lady also was very supportive saying things like ‘very good of you dear’ SO SWEET. I felt like she was my grandma, sometimes granny’s act like you’re their grandchild, which I think is SO sweet πŸ™‚

Oh man this is gonna be along one by the way, just want to put everything I have in my head down.

I have been thinking about my language ability’s (or maybe the fact that there aren’t much ability’s xD, no seriously). I read online that you can’t teach your child a language which isn’t your own native language (to teach it as their native language). Well my mum and dad both don’t have English and/or Dutch as their native language. Yet I had a bilingual upbringing. Dutch/English. So I think this might be the reason why my Dutch AND English is so crappy πŸ˜› I can’t talk fully Dutch without a dictionary (translating words in English to Dutch for me) and the same goes for English. My high school was bilingual as well. Which made it hard for me to get some subjects in Dutch later on, because I had to translate everything first.
On top of that, I have dyslexia. Which means I can talk a mix of Dutch and English, but I can’t write it, because I make tons of spelling mistakes. They noticed my dyslexia in high school, which was weird, because they normally notice it when you’re young. The Dutch teacher I had then, said they might not have noticed it because I was doing ok in other subjects, but just Dutch (and particularly spelling) was something I always had insufficient for.
I have no trouble with reading though, but spelling… damn :/

So uhm.. yeah I guess this was everything, well just most of the stuff in my head.
By the way, I really enjoyed writing about my cats πŸ™‚ ! I might do that more often πŸ˜€

Have a nice day folks!

xoxo
Brianna