Being raised by therapists

Hi,

A very tricky part for me is to explain what trauma does to a developing brain. I’m really not good at it. I’m going to try to give it a shot.
The abuse has been in my childhood for as long as I can remember, and experiencing trauma creates a stagnation in emotional development. So basically, as I see it, I do grow up and learn to talk and stuff, but emotionally I was stuck at the age of trauma. (which also explains the big troubles with emotions, children can not deal with emotions > trauma happened to me at a very young age > stagnation > emotional child)

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about or actually write/type… I feel like I am being raised by therapists. I remember getting into a therapy group when I was 16 and leaving at 17, I was there for 13 months and they taught me some few minimal basic stuff. Like when I was feeling something, I really did not know what the word was, that went with the feeling. They learned me, it was disappointment. It took me 13 months to learn the word disappointment with the feeling (and I’m not even talking about mentioning it while I’m feeling it huh 😉 )

It’s all these kind of small things, that therapists are teaching me. And actually I’m going from therapist to therapist, just switching and hopping from one to another. Bonding and breaking the bond.. hop on, op off.. 😉

Today I had my final talk with Betty (which means I will never see her again) and she asked me what I learned in my 18 months at the treatment centre there, the question was referred to the contact between me and my mother. I told her that I learned to apologize for my behaviour to my mother.
It’s a known fact that my mother irritates me sometimes, mostly it relates to my youth and it’s triggering. Which makes me burst and scream at her.
It took me (yep…) 18 months to learn to communicate with her and to tell her later on (when I’m calm again) ‘sorry momma for yelling at you, I was upset because of ……… but I didn’t mean to yell’
They told my mother to tell me what my yelling does with her and how it makes her feel and to accept my apology.
After that, we’re good again.
(Side note; my age is 22)

I also learned that apologizing for my behaviour does not mean apologizing for my feelings, because that’s not necessary. It’s just feeling angry does not give me the right to yell at my mother and I need to take responsibility for my actions. (Wow, they taught me well 😉 )

So, my biological mother and father can’t give me the parenting I need. But I sometimes really feel like I’ve got a lot of mothers (because most of my therapists are women) and a few dads. They do parent me. I just don’t get to keep them. Which is a shame sometimes.

xoxo
Brianna

Overload of tears

I can’t remember the last time I cried this much.
It can’t be that long ago, but I’ve been doing pretty ok, keeping myself pretty stable. Crying doesn’t mean I’m unstable, but it’s really a waterfall.

It started around 11.30 am at therapy. Got my ass whipped for speaking up. (basically > just speaking my point of view) Afterwards got all compliments from the girls for speaking up.
Anyway it didn’t help, tears came out. Unfair. No openness. Why would you kick my ass.

I don’t understand.

Right now, I’m still crying. Almost 10.30 pm.
I have periods of hyperventilating, although I do feel that’s more ‘Brenda crying’ because it’s very limitless. I completely drown in all sorrow and my own tears.

I can’t even grab Brenda’s hand and help her. I’m drowning myself. I’ve got my/our security blanket in my hand, all the time, and it brings comfort, a lot, but it doesn’t stop the tears from coming.

I feel completely broken. The road ahead feels shattered.
I feel like I’m standing alone, Brenda is shaking on her legs, trying to hold her own weight, standing behind me/hiding. And I don’t know what to do.

I really wish I had Abraham by my side right now. Not just because he gives the best advice ever. But because I’d like a hug. Brenda wants him around too.

I don’t think, well I’m pretty sure, I wont be going to therapy on Monday. I need the rest. I’ll go on Wednesday again, because 1. Brandon will be there (he’s the only half-save person there.) and 2. the ass-whipper is there as well. < Balance, right?

Right now you can really carry me away. My eyes are swollen. My head is about to burst. I am so upset, even the nap I had this afternoon (before the nap I cried, and after I woke, I started crying again!) didn’t regulate my feelings/state of mind.

What are my options?

Smile though your heart is aching

I’ll do what you expect me to
I’ll smile as you want me to
At home I’m still crying as I used to
& I promise, I wont show you

Yesterday I had therapy, and a talk with Brandon. It was very confronting, Brenda was very upset, I was tired. Brandon was asking me if I recognized myself in Stockholm syndrome. Questions about my father and the whole ‘hierarchy’ at home. It’s really blurry.

At one point, I don’t even remember how we got there, the thought came in to my mind… Brandon is telling me I’m a whore.. I’m my dad’s whore.

So Brandon was talking about something.. (God knows what)

Brandon; ……………………..
Me *while looking down*; So you’re saying I am his whore?
Brandon; That’s not what I’m saying.

Of course, I could believe him. And of course, that’s not what I did. I think I decided to test him. YET AGAIN. I knew, what I was expecting, I knew, the old Brandon, would respond like ‘plan A’ for instance, but there came Peter screaming in my head that he’s not saying it, but he’s thinking it.

So suspicious Brianna suddenly made direct eye contact with Brandon

Me; But that’s what you’re thinking? 

My voice was freakishly calm, without judgement in it.
Of course I made the eye contact to see the look on Brandons face, to really see if he was lying or not. But Brandon being who he is, plan A won, he kinda looked surprised at me for asking that and a little confused.

Brandon; no

I could see he really did not think I was a whore. I trust him. It’s save and ok now. In fact, it was save and ok all along. He passed the test.
And it’s weird to think of why would you test someone.
It’s not something I decide to do, of course, I’m doing it! I know that, because I learn to look at myself and my behaviour. But in that moment I am not aware of me testing him. I think it’s something in me that’s automatically doing that. Seeing if it’s still ok to ‘hang out’ or ‘talk with’ Brandon, is he still save.

xoxo
Brianna

Why does recovery take so long with childhood trauma?

Hi,

I kind of wanted to write something from my point of view about why recovery takes ‘so long’ with childhood trauma. Of course the ‘so long’ part actually is often called so long in other people’s eyes, but to be honest, I think it’s taking too long sometimes as well.

This is all written from my point of view and also my experience. So I am only speaking for myself.
In my situation, the trauma started at a very young age, I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t living in a traumatic situation. I know, and have been told that the physical abuse was always a part of my life. As well as the emotional neglect.

As a child, I was being raised by my parents. A little by my environment and school and stuff. But mainly my parents. They form me. Like you can form clay, a child is very flexible, as the child grows older (the clay gets harder) and it’s it takes a form. The form which is set by the parents.

I often see it as programmed. I have been programmed a certain way. Some of my core beliefs are very hard and a result from trauma, for instance, my father is ‘the king’ and I must please him, no matter what (it costs me).

Of course as I grow older, or as the child grows older, I do start thinking on my own, and when I was 15 I got ‘rescued’ out of my home situation, and especially my thinking (rational) part could start to adapt more. It could start to adapt more to the law. For instance about what is right and wrong, no matter if it’s your father, uncle, neighbor, mother, grandmother or a stranger.
But, here is the twist, my hard drive/program/core belief is still the same. I am still, emotionally, the same shape as I was knead by my parents.

So my head can say ‘it’s ridiculous to please your father, if it’s that damaging to myself’, but deep down inside, I feel I still need to please him.

I understand all the things people are saying. Logically I do. Phrases like ‘snap out of it’/’don’t you get it?’ are jus not relevant. Because I do.
It takes a lot of time (and pain) for the original form to maybe even break down and build up again.

Right now I’m feeling that I am moving a little bit more forward, but that took a long time! And to be honest, rationally I may not know anything much different than one or two years ago. But people around me held on, believed in me, supported me, kept showing me what was right… and I guess that really helped.

So why does it take so long?
It takes long because I was programmed this way, and it takes a long time to reprogram. It’s not impossible. It just takes time, effort, patience.

I am beyond thankful for the people in my life who are showing me this precious light that I feel I never knew, it’s so pretty. It confuses me because I feel I don’t deserve it, and yet they keep on showing it. It brings me to tears, brings me confusion, brings me love, brings me pain, but most of all, brings me joy.
Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

Trust (therapy)

Hi,

Had dinner, calmed down (as far as I am able to) and I do really want to write this down.

Briefly about myself right now;
I’m not stable. I’m as stable as it gets while being unstable (if you know what I mean..). I just gotta balance on this cord I’m walking on and do the best I can. Right now I’m full aware of where I am and who I am. That’s a big improvement. The only point is, you never know for how long. I decided to write this little thing down anyway, because it’s not about the whole sexuality thing and because it gave me a little insight on myself.

A child learns to trust in others, because of the parents of which it is dependent on, are reliable in their way of acting and in the child. Which makes the child trust/have faith in the parents as well as in him/herself.
Further to this, the child learns to deal with emotions and learns to endure frustrations (delaying own needs). Enduring frustrations is a lesson the child will only learn if it’s been given the assurance that it’ll all be okay and therefore there’s enough trust.

This was a real smack in the face.
I know I can not endure frustrations. But maybe that’s because I never have faith.. faith that it’ll be okay in the end.

Looking at myself… and being honest, I know when I want something or need something, I want it directly and immediately. I know I can ball like a baby, stamp my feet like a child. Sit on the ground. Hang myself around someone’s leg. Not really knowing how to explain myself, but I could explain what tendency is.
I have to find the trust in myself to know it’ll be okay, like raise myself or something like that.

It’s just weird to have a small sentence like that make sense to so much situations. Like ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………….’

If I would explain myself right now, in words. I’d be something like this (and very Brenda like, so excuse me for that);
Help me, please. Hold me, because I am broken and it hurts. I am lonely and that hurts too. It’s cold. You are warm and I want it too. Please just hold me, you don’t even need to talk to me, just hold me and let me be. See me. It’s empty inside. Hollow. I need you.

But let’s be honest, I could never say that to someone.

xoxo
Brianna

I don’t even know what to say

Hi,

As today is monday, I had therapy.

It started out quite chaotic. I didn’t sleep well, and I got a call in the morning from the cab company that the taxi would be 20 minutes late (remember my last post? “I seem like a normal girl, on the outside”), since I knew my last reaction to the whole taxi-is-late, I tried to calm myself down with the thoughts of how it all turned out last time and it was okay to be late and I’d be able to get enough out of the therapy day in the end. (For me at that time it was very important to be at the beginning, because we discuss the weekend and to be honest, I really wanted to talk about mine, since I had a hard time, just in the hope that someone would notice me).

The taxi arrived (45 minutes late) and when I got at therapy I got in time to discuss my weekend after all! Only got stressed out a little so that’s a huge improvement from last time! 🙂
After that we had psycho-education. The topic was intimacy and trust. Well it’s not just the words that make me shiver. It was all very confronting, and I do remember the first few things said, and that it really felt like smack in the face (I even remember thinking at some point “Oh, I want to copy this into my blog! Because I really recognize myself in this!”), I did mention out loud that it was hard for me to read this because it was so confronting.

At the end of the whole psycho-education, Brenda was screaming her lungs out. The topic was something about sexuality and touching and… UGH. I just couldn’t keep control. I do remember someone asking me if I was still there with them, and I just don’t really know what happened, at some point I do remember looking her in the eyes and just being scared and not knowing how to use my voice and not wanting to use my voice. Afraid to talk. Afraid to even open up my mouth.
I walked out of the therapy room (away from the group, the therapist asked me if it would be good for me to take a walk, just to stay in the present).

I just don’t know where I went wrong. I remember being in the bathroom. With my head against the door and just pressing my fist against my mouth.
My head was all fuzzy.

Anyway, the whole day was weird and cloudy. I got the feeling that the therapists are mad at me and they don’t really like me. At the end of the day (which I struggled to get through, and often doubted if I should go ask for an individual talk) I just gave up and decided to go play nice and just go home. When it was my turn to talk about the day I said; “My day was okay! Tomorrow I’ll see Polly, and I’ll be here again on Wednesday”. And then the therapist asked me if I really was ok, and the whole thing sort of came out. No, I wasn’t ok. I felt horrible.

I felt and still feel like you all hate me! (I didn’t say that though, like they’d admit that to my face)

Did tell her I felt horrible and she told me she was glad I told the truth because she thought I felt bad.

Anyway, I still feel horrible. I feel so disconnected from my body. If I could describe it. My head is about 4 meters above the laptop, and above this body and these weird hands are typing this. I feel this weird feeling in the back of my head/neck and I don’t know.
xoxo
Brianna

My current feelings about therapy

I feel like a disgrace , a failure. A shame for the treatment centre I’m at , I ruined their good recovery rates . And it feels like only Brandon fights for me , can get quiet. But what is a psychiatric nurse against a clinical psychologist ? Beyond that nurse me offer the stability and the psychologist drives me insane. I fear for my “future” , the treatment centre feels like my home , the place where I am understood, where I know people . I am completely myself , and that is wrong . Regarding Brandon ( the nurse ) it’s all stable , he will think I’m moving forward, opener. But the psychologist / therapist gets me down , I get in terrible crisis after talks with her , and then have the nurse ‘ need ‘ to calm me.
I know that if it were up to him , my place there until May as agreed . But who is he compared to the practitioner ?
I hope that Monday is okay , the conversation between me and my therapist , and the treatment coordinator of the department still allows me to be there. But all those little signals show me that they do not like me , she hates me , she wants me away (the treatment coordinator)
All signs indicate that I have a normal reaction to an abnormal situation . What is going so wrong with my psychologist / therapist ? And I get the idea that she’s too proud to admit that she might not be able to handle it. Nurse will always stand as a rock , no matter what storm is going through me , he’s steady always the same , always predictable . I know he does not condemn me , I know 100 % .
Regarding my therapist / psychologist , I seem to want to do everything to make her like me. So that she’ll find me nice and sweet, she thinks I’m a nice person. But most of the time she makes me so angry that I wish she did not work there and she immediately stopped and I just can go to H. ( other practitioner ) and that she likes me and it ‘ll be fine. But I feel unwanted by the ‘ importance  ‘ people. The nurse all like me I guess .. they are nice. But the therapists and the treatment coordinator .. I ‘m afraid they hate me . They don’t want me. I ‘m too awkward .
What I do not dare to admit , I do not dare say out loud, what I fear ;
I ‘m scared and almost 100 % sure that I should be away from my safe place .

And I decay in old thoughts;
“Please, do not send me away. I’ll be nice, I will not cry and be angry. I will do anything you ask of me, but please do not send me away. I will be the perfect client. Tell me how, and I’ll do it. But please …. do not ditch me ‘

 

You make me wanna hit you

Hi..

So uhm, this is probably gonna be a big complain post.

I had therapy today and a talk with Brandon.

Therapy didn’t go all too well, but ok. The individual talk, was horrible. I get SO depressed sometimes after talking to him. I don’t just feel like he ‘s pointing out my flaws but throwing it into my face and rubbing my nose into it. Like, STOP.
I really wanted to sit on the ground and just make a whole scene out of it. Throw stuff at him. HE DOES NOT GET ME.
I feel really misunderstood and I know it’s a trigger for me, but really… the feeling was awful. I did text my bestie right after and let the whole thing out and it felt good, had a nap and now I’m ok.
But just thinking of the damn talk makes me go crazy again.

I just really DONT think they can help me there. I’m not saying they’re not specialized, but like HELP ME! Brandon wanted to discuss some details with me about something trauma related, and I’m just like ‘are you serious?’ I just went to the doctors for self harm LAST FREAKING WEEK. I am NOT stable, why don’t we work on that!!! Or all the other stuff like the outer layer of the onion, he just cuts right through it. And then I’m stuck with myself the rest of the weekend. While he goes home to his family and has a wonderful time. I ‘m getting so frustrated with him and honestly I feel like just quitting my therapy there. I’m done. Why should I stay 6 more months there just to eat out of my damn nose and crawl on the ground. It’s a waste of my time. Specialized? My ass! I am NOT a rare type of cptsd, why is this so DIFFICULT? I feel like screaming and yelling at everything till someone comes and comforts me.
Like nobody (who needs to) understand me, understands me. Like my bestie does and Justy does, but the therapists don’t. They don’t even know me. They don’t even know my grandma is like the world to me. They don’t know about my big spear of spiders (Which makes me suicidal within 10 seconds/triggers me/I see flashbacks of spiders). They don’t know how I feel and think inside. What goes through my mind every damn day. That I  have been crying myself to sleep the last few nights and woke up with the biggest ugly swollen eyes ever. I have been so sad and crying because I feel so lonely. With their stupid behaviour they keep like teasing me. I really feel like kicking and screaming at them.

I am really not sure if it’s a good idea for me to go there on monday. It’s not helpful when I get the feeling I’m a lost cause, because I know I’m not. I just think I need someone who understand me better and maybe has a little more time. Brandon told me to ask Betty about seeing her every week for the last 6 months now. But she’ll probably think about that for 2 weeks and by then I’ll be buried under the ground. Ok, sorry, I hope not of course, but I just can’t even see myself 2 weeks from now. I’m worried about the rest of this week.
So maybe I’ll just go to therapy for the talk with Betty and not the group.

I feel they’re not being honest with me? IF they think I’m a  lost cause, then tell me! We’ll work on the whole euthanasia. Am I not a lost cause, THEN TELL ME WHAT THE PLAN IS FOR THE NEXT SIX DAMN MONTHS!

Can’t  handle me? That’s ok. BUT TELL ME. Don’t swirl me around till the time is up and then just ship me off to someone else.

I know I wont get Brandon to really like yell and stuff, he’s always calm and today he even smiled when I Was getting so frustrated. Like, WHATS SO FUNNY?
In that exact moment, I do not feel able to control myself. I really feel like screaming my lungs out to him just so he’ll understand how I feel or how this situation makes me feel

I’m getting so frustrated and angry. Of course it’s a big treatment centre and I’m not the only one there, but if you don’t know what to do, then at least say it.
Like when I told him that, he started blabbing about me not wanting to discuss details. There was a damn spider waiting for me at home in the living room, excuse me FOR NOT WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE TONIGHT!

I am unreasonable I KNOW THAT.

Fucking shoot me then. Let’s all be done with it.

I’m sorry if I scare or shock anyone with my honest thoughts. I don’t mean to, but I do want to be open here.

Transference and countertransference issues?

Hi!

So this is going to be VERY tricky for me, it’s like high leveled English for me, so I’m going to try to write my thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue’s.
I am just really reading and learning about it so I’m a big newbie. But I have tons of idea’s and questions, so just to try to order my mind, a blog post.

Thanks to Wikipedia;

Transference is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is “the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person’s childhood.”[1] Another definition is “the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object.”[2] Still another definition is “a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, especially of childhood, and the substitution of another person … for the original object of the repressed impulses.”[3] Transference was first described by Sigmund Freud, who acknowledged its importance for psychoanalysis for better understanding of the patient’s feelings.

 more; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

So.. transference and counterstransference (damn, luckily it’s in the title, otherwise I’d be copy and pasting the sh*t out of it 😛 ), it’s like this very tricky thing. I don’t think I fully understand it just yet, but I am trying to.

First of all I’ll explain how I came to this subject.
Once upon a time.. no.. seriously, I had a talk with Betty thursday over the phone. Basically she (and I) seemed stuck. We don’t know what to do anymore, at least I get the feeling she doesn’t either. She asked me ‘Do you think someone else could help you better?’. I was a bit shocked that she asked that, but instantly I thought ‘hell no’.  After we hung up, I got to think about this a lot more.
So basically since I was 16 I have been in intense therapy (before that just flowing from one therapist to the other) and since that moment people have been telling me, I act to them as I act to my mother. Yeah, I’ve always had female therapists and I do get this ‘I want you to be my mummy’ feeling, and yeah I have it with Betty to. However, the people who do see me and treat me that often, I get this major mood swings with them as well. Suddenly they’re the worst person on earth and I hate them and then out of nowhere (it seems nowhere) I like them and want them to be my mummy again.
Betty once said to me (I think I wrote this once before) that she knows why I am acting like this (the same to them as I do to my mother) but that she just does not accept that. I was really ashamed of myself and realized what I had done.
So anyway, on the phone last thursday we were talking about how there is no clear line about my therapy. It’s just always crisis this, crisis that. So I told her it’s like I’m taking her in my emotional rollercoaster as well. She kind of agreed with me. Which made me think… every therapist has been in the rollercoaster with me!!! Oh my God. I’m horrible! It’s like there’s no way in between. Either you’re with me IN the rollercoaster, or youre not allowed in the theme park! They just can’t wait outside.
I know I do get very clingy to them, sometimes I really need to tell myself ‘NO! DONT DO IT!’, because I just feel like grabbing on to Betty asking her to never let me go again, or just to grab her leg and hold on tight. Like, seriously? She’d scream when I’d do that, I think xD or tell me I’m being inappropriate, haha. (What else is new?)

Ok this is gonna be a long one xD

Anyway! So yeah, I’ve been realizing that I’m taking everybody with me in the damn rollercoaster. And maybe yeah, I’ve been acting to them as if they’re my mums.
So the whole Brandon thing came up. Last Wednesday I had a talk with him and it did not go well… at one point he wanted to talk to me about a bit detailed stuff and I was like ‘uhh.. how about.. NO!’ So he told me that it might be important and stuff. I said to hem ‘lets make a deal, I’ll talk about it, if I get a free card for tomorrow for unlimited cutting’. (Yeah, shaking my head aswell, it must be terrible to treat me) So he told me ‘Its not up to me if you cut or not, it’s your responsibility’. But right after I had said that I knew how wrong I had been and that it was line crossing stuff.
So uhm, yeah, that about Brandon. Like, what the hell am I doing? Am I trying to provoke him?

So that about the whole thing that made this come up.

I have read a book about ‘Complex Trauma’ in Dutch and it said a little bit about this whole transference thing and I thought I got it. Then I talked to Justy and she said something about it which made me think even more. So I have been looking it up on internet, at explanations and stuff.

So yeah, about this transference and countertransference thing, is that about them going with me in the rollercoaster? Especially because of people telling me I’m acting the same way to them as if they are my mother.

I am realizing that I’m being stupid but at the same time, I just can’t get out of the rollercoaster! I’m stuck!
So this thing (damn, gotta type it again xD) transference, and the whole emotional toddler thing, IS THERE A WAY OUT?

Well, realizing this all for now really made me think (or just made it more clear) about how hard it must be to treat me? Sometimes I get the feeling nobody can, which is ridiculous of course, but it just needs a lot of time, or well more than usual. I do think it’s normal with (c)ptsd? Or BPD for that matter. But.. who resists it? How do you get out of it? I feel bad for Betty and Brandon (and the other people from the ‘team’) who deal with me, because I’d be pissed about an annoying ‘patient’ like that. And just get irritated by the idea of seeing him/her that day xD
I get the feeling I gave Betty a bad feeling about her treatment skills, though I REALLY think she is an amazing therapist, she manages to hit me at places which gives me a wake-up call, but I just sweep back into old behaviour. Like I need someone to correct me all freaking week-long. Like they are saying to me, you gotta walk from A to B. And then I go home and continue walking, but whenever I step foot of off the path someone needs to remind me, because I don’t really notice it untill I’m like hating Betty/Brandon (and then realizing ‘hey.. what changed?’). I do feel me slipping down sometimes, like looking back at my blog, the posts about the loneliness might have been a good first symptom or something like that.

I feel so complex (like other people must feel of course!), maybe it’s because they’re used to work with a bit older people, and I have just let go of the breast-feeding stuff, and they’re like ‘what a baby!’. I have been there for 12 months now, and I’m still ‘fighting’ with Betty.. I don’t want to fight.. but I keep doing it.
She told me it’s hard for her to keep track of the therapy-line, when these crisis come in (like suicidal feelings etc.), and I just wander of the therapy-line, and she wanders of with me :’)

So anyway, I’ve been blabbing for way too long. In some way I do think it’s funny, but just so stupid/painful it’s funny.. I feel real bad for Betty and Brandon. I do imagine the ‘team’ fighting at therapy over who will get Brianna today, like ‘no I don’t want her, she’s annoying, let Brandon have her today’ and the Brandon will be like ‘well I don’t want her either, she’s tiring, I’ve had her for 12 months now, you take her’ etc. That not funny, and not really logical, but there is a tiny part of me that might consider it going like that.

There are like a million things I’d like to say more but I’m on 1400 words now, time to quit.

So, does anyone have any ideas on this? Or own experiences? Please share!

xoxo
Brianna

 

Adult acting like a child?

Hi,

So this is going to be a post about me thinking(writing?) out loud.

Things I have read on the internet, books and heard from therapists mixed together. So I know a lot of the information (especially internet, is not reliable) so I’m just discussing with myself whats going on 😛 trying to figure it out. And maybe wondering what your views are on this.

So, childhood trauma has effects on you as an adult. I guess everybody agree’s on that.
Point 2, to me, is HOW it affects you. One point I am struggling with right now is the regulation of emotions. I do hear a lot that I am acting like a child, which i can understand and agree with. However, I am not a child. I’m an adult. I’m in my 20’s (early 20’s, but still an adult). I have read and heard that acting like a child, could be because of the stop in the emotional development (due to trauma). However your brain, and I guess knowledge and stuff, moves/develops on. So you are able to think like an adult, but just not act like one?

So that would mean that you’re emotionally still a child? But a child needs growing up… which needs guidance… sooo… who will guide you into growing up? Since you only get one set of parents, and maybe those parents were unable to do it properly, or how society might want, so that you can fit in. I don’t think anyone else will be able to take the role of parent, especially when you’re an adult. What is the point of therapy? If you process your trauma’s correctly, the child thing will go away? So by processing your trauma, your emotional development will speed up to your age? While (as far as I know) EMDR (for instance) puts the trauma in a place in your brain, where it belongs ‘correctly’, and the strong feelings with it soften. So it doesn’t bother you as much in your daily life. You wont forget, but it wont hurt as much. How does this help your emotionality (is that a word xD?) grow up?

I know small children, like toddlers, can have outbursts of anger and sadness. In which they might not realize what they’re doing with other people, when they act like that. So you have to limit them, as a parent, in a correct way. So having childhood trauma, means you weren’t limited or weren’t limited in a correct way (for instance by hitting a child whenever it showed emotion?). When the trauma is over and the child/adult is save, it continue’s where he/she has remained (being a toddler, emotional).

A situation, when a child is acting out (we’ve all seen the british nanny program right 😛 ? ) he gets a time out. I do know people give me a time out, when I’m getting too much. When I’m angry (or sad) I’ll be pissed for the damn time out. So I’ll scream and yell till that person is willing to talk to me again. And IF that person maintains the ‘ignoring’ long enough, I’ll probably give up and cry and calm down. My ex used to do this with me, which made me furious. He’d tell me ‘I’m going to stop talking to you, you aren’t being reasonable, so we can talk again when you’re calmer’. I’d flip out, he’s leaving? I’d just continue with yelling. Of course he couldn’t take it (I do have to say, I tell them very personal stuff, like that I hate them..) and he told me ‘I’m not going to talk to you for 2 hours, I’ll see if you’re calmer after that’. Well then I went all crazy (as far as i wasn’t already 😉 ) and I’ll literally tell him anything to just have him talk to me. Ignoring is SO painful. And yeah, maybe after 30/45 minutes of yelling and stuff I’ll give up, and be tired from my whole tantrum and just wait the rest of the time. When he talked to me after the 2 hours, I was calm again. However, I really can’t describe the intense feelings when he is ignoring me, or when he gives me a sort of ultimatum about me having to stop, otherwise he WILL ignore me. It’s like I panick and having him ignore me is the worst thing and might kill me. (Though rationally I KNOW I have to calm down, and won’t be able to when he’s around or when I’m talking to him)

This is incredibly exhausting for another person (I think). However, It didn’t get less over time. I kept acting like a child. Trying to push his buttons and when I did, he’d get angry, and when he got angry, I would get angry as well, and tell him all kinds of stuff. But whenever he said 1 bad thing about me, I’d lose it and remember it for the rest of our relationship.

In time I did learn how to ‘take responsibility’ (if you can call it that) for my outbursts, I’d be incredibly sorry and ashamed and afraid he’d leave me for it.

Is this me having the emotionality of a child? To be honest, is annoy’s me! And the other people around me as well of course.
I did know some people who had clear limits and were very open, honest and strict about them. In the time that I knew them, I wouldn’t even dare to cross it. I knew the consequences and I was too afraid. But then again, I didn’t know them for very long, or didn’t keep in contact with them, so I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had known them for a year. Usually they are people who don’t get mad easily and are self-assured.

And of course, I wrote this before, but people tend to see me as sweet, innocent, fragile etc. Which I’m not. Well, maybe I am sensitive, but I’m a real bitch.

 

So what is this ‘acting like a child’ thing. I do hear it a lot with BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well, but some people with BPD don’t have a childhood trauma, soo….. why do they do it?
How do you ‘cure’ the acting like a child? How do you grow up emotionally, when you are an adult and/or when the parent isn’t available as parent anymore?
Is there a limit prior to you should’ve learned it, otherwise you never will?

I’m just really thinking about this kind of stuff. You hear a lot of manipulating and stuff. But I don’t think people realize that I (for instance) hate being like this. Hate acting like it. Hate not having the control over my emotions. Getting angry about the smallest things. Not being able to calm down. Push someone’s buttons without realizing I’m pushing/testing them. I HATE it. I want to STOP it.
(See the image of a child irritating his mother, with a big smile, because the mother is telling the child it’s not ok to do that, but I guess the child just pushes further until the mother gets angry. And when she gets angry the child starts to cry) How do you stop the child for going further after being told it was NOT ok to do that? I DO realize it’s not ok.. like someone is taking control over me and keeps on doing it. I do realize I should stop.. I just can’t?
I do want to say that I’m not like this with everyone. LUCKILY! But almost every relationship.. and intense friendship. And unfortunately to my therapists as well. But in a different way, I did not even realize I was testing Betty and Brandon and the whole ‘crew’ until Betty told me I have to quit because she understands why I do it, but she doesn’t accept it. And yeah, that shut me up. For the time being though, a few months later I was doing it again! (And she had to be like ‘Brianna, stop’) -_- *pulls out hair*

I really don’t believe that anyone who acts like that, is happy with acting like that. Clearly it doesn’t get you anywhere. Except loneliness. (But then again, the big fear of abandonment is why you do it…….. so THIS JUST DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!)

Ahhh the mind is a weird thing.
So is mental illness. It’s complex…. it’s not just take this pill for a few day’s and you’re cured. Wish it was though..

xoxo
Brianna