The bags under my eyes are prada

Today I did it. I emailed Brandon. I’m kinda afraid of his reaction. I was very honest. I’m afraid too honest. But a part of me is thinking, how can I be too honest with my therapist? He knows me better than anyone else.

I feel so torn between two parts of me.
The part of me that is real angry and feels like destroying everything “Madness is the gift that has been given to me”

& the part that just desperately wants to stop the pain but doesn’t know how “Don’t tear me down for all I need, make my heart a better place, give me something I can believe”

Actually they both mean the same. Anger does cover up pain. The basic question in my email to Brandon was; how can I stop/survive/handle this pain?

xoxo
Brianna

If you say so

I couldn’t find a reason to stay among the living, so I searched for it among the dead.

Today I visited a cemetery. For multiple reasons.
– I wanted to (as stated above) look for a reason to stay.
– I wanted to say I’m sorry to them, for being ungrateful with my life while (probably) most of them didn’t want to die.
– I was looking for a safe place. A place where it’s actually okay to cry.

I think it did me well to go. I saw a lot of touching things, made me cry, cry for them, the people around them. The hurt they must have been feeling or maybe still are feeling.

I sat there on a bench and did some stuff that was hard for me to do, but it felt easier there.

Though it brought me a lot. On my way home, my muscles still were burning in pain. This rock was still smothering my lungs. I still felt this agonizing pain inside. I could barely walk normal. Or even hold my tears.

I’m pretty sure I’ll go back, I just don’t know when yet.

Being raised by therapists

Hi,

A very tricky part for me is to explain what trauma does to a developing brain. I’m really not good at it. I’m going to try to give it a shot.
The abuse has been in my childhood for as long as I can remember, and experiencing trauma creates a stagnation in emotional development. So basically, as I see it, I do grow up and learn to talk and stuff, but emotionally I was stuck at the age of trauma. (which also explains the big troubles with emotions, children can not deal with emotions > trauma happened to me at a very young age > stagnation > emotional child)

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about or actually write/type… I feel like I am being raised by therapists. I remember getting into a therapy group when I was 16 and leaving at 17, I was there for 13 months and they taught me some few minimal basic stuff. Like when I was feeling something, I really did not know what the word was, that went with the feeling. They learned me, it was disappointment. It took me 13 months to learn the word disappointment with the feeling (and I’m not even talking about mentioning it while I’m feeling it huh 😉 )

It’s all these kind of small things, that therapists are teaching me. And actually I’m going from therapist to therapist, just switching and hopping from one to another. Bonding and breaking the bond.. hop on, op off.. 😉

Today I had my final talk with Betty (which means I will never see her again) and she asked me what I learned in my 18 months at the treatment centre there, the question was referred to the contact between me and my mother. I told her that I learned to apologize for my behaviour to my mother.
It’s a known fact that my mother irritates me sometimes, mostly it relates to my youth and it’s triggering. Which makes me burst and scream at her.
It took me (yep…) 18 months to learn to communicate with her and to tell her later on (when I’m calm again) ‘sorry momma for yelling at you, I was upset because of ……… but I didn’t mean to yell’
They told my mother to tell me what my yelling does with her and how it makes her feel and to accept my apology.
After that, we’re good again.
(Side note; my age is 22)

I also learned that apologizing for my behaviour does not mean apologizing for my feelings, because that’s not necessary. It’s just feeling angry does not give me the right to yell at my mother and I need to take responsibility for my actions. (Wow, they taught me well 😉 )

So, my biological mother and father can’t give me the parenting I need. But I sometimes really feel like I’ve got a lot of mothers (because most of my therapists are women) and a few dads. They do parent me. I just don’t get to keep them. Which is a shame sometimes.

xoxo
Brianna

Ramblings

I can do it, I am doing it. Living. I’m going out, I actually even smile and mean it sometimes. But mostly I’m not very happy. Especially since yesterday evening. It’s like a dark cloud is pushing down on me, while I try to move forward, I feel it’s pressure.

I’ve known Brandon (my psychiatric nurse) for 1,5 years now, and I think (even though 1,5 years is quite a long time) I actually trust him fully now. I really do. There is a time limit at my new treatment centre and it’s short… I’m actually pooping my pants already because in November I’ll be without Brandon, maybe just temporary, but I’ll be without.
When a part of me right now just wants to cling right on to him. I feel so down and bad right now.. I just want him to ‘make it all better’. The funny part is, when I’m actually sitting in front of him, I’m mostly quite calm. When I’m not, the only thing I do is stare at the ground (while crying) or at my lap, when he asks me to look at him, I refuse. I NEVER search for the physical contact. Or even ask for his comfort with words.

I know there are a very few people who do have a person like that. But if I had a person who felt save to me, in my environment, I’d reach out to him/her and ask for help right now. Tell ’em how I’m feeling and that I’m kinda feeling stuck with it. I know there’s no clear answer or solution, but honesty helps.. and being heard too.. and distraction third. So, in the absence of that person. WordPress is my outlet, I’m gonna make internet or Netflix my distraction wrap myself in a blanket and try to soothe myself and dry my own tears. Because despite all of the shit, I still have myself, and one day it will be okay and enough for comfort.

Ignorance is bliss

Last christmas, I hung 3 pictures in my christmas tree. Of the three people who stood by me the most in 2013. It was my (current) bestie, Justy and Abraham.

I’d say, ignorance is bliss in that situation.

Had I known that bestie wouldn’t be my best friend anymore and Abraham would turn away from me, even after an open conversation. And last week at some point I thought I’d lose Justy aswell, I’d really think ‘why would I even care?’

I had a real tough week but had good distraction as well so it had a lot of balance luckily.

I got the comment thrown at my head from a ‘close friend’ that ‘she is always happy’ (he wasn’t talking about me, obviously) it was a real slap in the face. And to me, freaking unfair to say. First of all, nobody is ever always happy. Second of all, don’t like it? Go away.

I know I got a lot to offer somebody. If you don’t appreciate it, then go away. I don’t want to waste my time, energy or even my tears on people who don’t deserve it.

I have an exciting week ahead. It’ll be my last week with just the three of us, at the end of the week, our fourth family member will join us!
Anyway, it’s planned and packed with loads of stuff. Mostly fun things though and meeting up with people.

Gotta admit, feeling shaky on my legs, I feel the need to cry and crawl away (since it’s evening I’ll just go do that in bed and sleep) and face this new week.

xoxo
Brianna

Plan A or B?

Hi,

So tomorrow I have an appointment at the new therapy unit. It’ll be with someone from my old unit though and Brandon will work there aswell. I’ve got two plans.
By the way, I got to tell, my mood is kinda low. I feel really alone and misunderstood.

Plan A; Go there, throw myself at their shoes. Beg for a hug, and for them to listen to me. To give me some comfort. Cry because FINALLY there’s someone around who understands me and SEE’S me. Praise the Lord. Kiss the ground.

I’m really not kidding.

Plan B; Just do as I’m told. Act all cool. It’s an ‘official’ appointment.  To see if they can do anything for me and stuff.. But anyway, don’t act all desperate.

Obviously plan A is all emotional an B all rational. Now where is C? A nice mix of both.

The appointment will be at 9.30 am. Right after that I’ll meet with some girls from my old therapy group, which probably will be good. They are more understanding.
I feel a major ocean of tears coming up. I better brace myself, and Brenda, although we’ll probably just entwine.

Why tear each other apart?
Please tell me why
Why do we make it so?
I look at us now
We only got ourselves to blame
It’s such a shame

So come and face me now
Here on this stage tonight

Let’s leave the past behind us
What’s come between us?
Only tear drops

 

It – honestly – breaks my heart, to stumble upon misunderstandings, or any kind of walls. Upon mouths being shut and heads being turned. Especially those who used to look and lend a hand.
And just to make it a little bit more painful, it only seems to break my heart.

xoxo
Brianna

Two sides

Well hello flu, long time no see

I’m feeling terrible again. Soar throat, coughing, full nose, high temperature, headache. I was sick in March twice, April 0, now May 1. Lets keep it like that.

Anyway, it always has two sides I guess. I had a lovely weekend. Saw the puppy ❤ and had a great sleepover with the girls from my old therapy group. So it actually is the best time to get sick, because being sick right now, means I’ll be better the 24th, and that’s the day I’m going to welcome the puppy home. It’s actually right in between two great things. So I do ‘have the time’ to be sick.

It’s just sucky that it triggers me.

So right now I still am doing everything to keep me balanced. I actually stopped taking the oxazepam, since it’s giving me weird dreams. If I’m having crisis I’m going to take quetiapine (it’s stronger, but ok). I’m sleeping on the couch. Creating everything as save as possible for myself and just giving myself what I need within the possibilities.

For instance, eating popsicle when I want to, carrying my security blanket around me all the time, sleep whenever I feel the need to.

xoxo
Brianna

I yearn for some credit

Hi,

When I look at myself right now and a year ago, a lot has changed. At some point I do feel nothing has changed (I can still feel like shit and stuff… but..).

But, I’ve got to say, I do get out of the house.
A year ago, I had therapy, twice a week.

So my week would be.

Monday – Therapy
Tuesday – Home
Wednesday – Home
Thursday – Therapy
Friday – Home
Saturday – Home
Sunday – home

I Hated the weekends, capital h, and I rarely did something outside.
I did feel like crap and all.

But here and now, my past/current week:

Monday – Met with a friend in the afternoon, later went to a festival with another friend and had some drinks with her, came home about 11 pm
Tuesday – Justy came over and had a nice afternoon/evening with her
Wednesday – Home! (Oh no 😉 )
Thursday – Met with another friend and spend the whole afternoon with her and in the evening I went to work.
Friday – Home. I spent some time with my mum.
Saturday – I’ll go visit my future puppy (I’ll explain later) & will go over to a friend for a sleepover with other girls
Sunday – go back home but meet with another friend in the afternoon.

I see difference…. Don’t you? Besides! The first friend from monday + the friend from thursday where both people I reached out to because I felt I needed some contact.
Even when I feel I have no one to reach out to, I can even go out side and just walk around and it’ll make me feel a little better.

Maybe they’re all small things, but it’s a real big difference to me.

About the sweet little dog. I’m getting a puppy 🙂 she’s real small right now, 5 weeks actually, she’s still with her momma, so I’m just gonna pay a visit. But at the end of May I’m allowed to take her home 😀 .
Then we’ll be a family of four 🙂 with my two cats and me.

That’s me…
Doing pretty ok actually with the oxazepam in me. I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, or even type it. I don’t want to jinx it.. but I’m being stable.. just looking at my life week by week, and it’s ok 🙂

xoxo
Brianna

It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

 
What happened to me?

Acceptance and CPTSD

Hi,

I have been really quiet lately, on here, on twitter on internet overall actually.

Looking back on the period I think I have been very busy with dealing and accepting and fitting the CPTSD into my daily life and making everything as normal as possible. Now I realize that sounds negative, but it really isn’t. Because I’ve been ok with it. Still am. There are moments I still long for the company, but there are moments I just go out and squeeze myself into the crowd and try to be ok with what I can get from that, and strangely enough, it makes me happy.

I seem to have the best medication combination for myself right now (it took me 7 years to get to this combination so I think it’s ok to have found it by now 😉 ) and step by step… maybe… I’m just moving forward.

Is it easy? No, it’s not. For instance, yesterday I got triggered real bad at therapy and there was absolutely no space for my problems. Brenda was very upset.
I had to deal with it on my own even though there were therapists around me. It made me a little angry. Why should I do this all alone? You are here around me!
But in the end, I’m glad I calmed her down by myself.

I’m still scared, and I still get upset. I still cry like a baby sometimes, and grab on to my security blanket like there’s no tomorrow, but somehow I seem to survive that every time.
Maybe it’s just what it is, right now. So, instead of trying to reprocess all the trauma, I’m trying to accept the trauma, and still be happy with my life. Still be smiling.

Although right now, I’m having a sad moment.. (I know it’s probably PMS) I feel I have more distance at the whole situation, instead of drowning in the sadness I feel.

Now I’m gonna take Brenda and myself to bed, because staying up while I’m this sad, is never going to do any good. I could use the sleep anyway 🙂

xoxo
Brianna