It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

 
What happened to me?

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It’s been more than a year since..

Hi,

It’s been more than a year since I’ve seen my father for the last time. To be honest, I don’t even know the exact date, I do know it was around January or beginning of February 2013, that was the last time I saw him.

It has been such a crazy year. I still feel the chain around my ankle pulling me. But I know I’m still standing. I know he’s still pulling me down, and I remember Abraham fighting him for me.
And look at me now, its February 2014 and I’m still standing. Sure, I’m still chained up, but standing. Abraham is no where around. But sometimes I still feel his warm hand soothing the pain between my ankle and the chain. He’s still here sometimes.

I feel I’m able to handle more alone. Making more healthy choices. To be honest, getting more annoyed by unhealthy choices. The people I used to have around me, are changing. Friendships I thought would last forever, just broke. Well, I’m sad that they broke, but I really don’t want a friendship like that.

Polly is supposed to come over within 1,5 hours. She’s been canceling a lot on me lately, let’s see if she will today.
Later today another friend will come over. We’ll probably just watch a movie or something like that.

Honestly? I feel lost, I desperately need some Brandon advice, luckily I’ll see him tomorrow and talk to him tomorrow. Somehow his steadiness and calm-ness ¬†always brings some¬†zen into me or something like that.
And honestly? I miss Abraham.
Just a weak moment.

Sorry didn’t mean to call you but I couldn’t fight it. I guess I was weak, couldn’t even hide it. So I surrender, just to hear your voice.
Deep inside me, I feel like I’m dying. I need to see you.. it’s all that I’m asking.

Sometimes I taste the purest of pain

xoxo
Brianna