I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.
I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.
But it doesn’t make it better right now.
Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.
“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”
Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.
Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.
And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?
For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)
What happened to me?