It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

 
What happened to me?

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9 thoughts on “It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

  1. oh im so sorry for how awful you feel. it hurts so bad, even when you know it will end fairly soon, that that amount of time is interminable and every moment it taken up with ways of stopping the pain.

    even if the people you expect to notice, dont notice that you are not ok, people online notice, and we care. sending you calming, soothing peaceful thoughts to help get through this day.

  2. I’m sooo sorry! I feel your words in my heart. Please know you are not alone!!! Is there anything I can do for you? Please let me know! Ride out the wave, the intensity will lesson.

  3. I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. A lot of people care about you here, and it sounds like on twitter too, which I hope makes you feel more ackowledged. I hope this bad low is short lived. 😦

    • Thanks for your supprt 🙂 !
      The people here and on twitter are definetly helpful, the support and acknowledgement. I’m feeling a little better today 🙂

  4. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug… or a blanket to hug yourself in.. I can feel your pain 😦 xx

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