Memories; Am I allowed to die now?

TRIGGER warning! About death/suicide and just depressing stuff

Hi,

This is a big trip down memory lane, well… not big as in far behind, must have been like 5 or 6 months ago? I am really bad at time though.

NOTEBOOK
Who remembers this from the movie ‘The Notebook’?
(If you haven’t seen the movie, you might want to stop reading, because I’ll be spoiling it! It’s really a must see! Very beautifully romantic πŸ™‚ )

So the movie is about these 2 love birds, and in the end of the movie, (the woman is sick) and she dies in bed, while holding her partner’s hand and him lying next to her. If I remember correctly, he dies shortly after her as well. (Of a broken heart? I don’t remember him being sick though) Anyway, they both died in this position (as the photo above)

Uhm.. so for now, let’s delete the romantic part πŸ˜‰

“Am I allowed to die now?”
Was a big question in my mind about 5 or 6 months ago.
I knew the procedure (to request euthanasia), I had everything planned out.

Of course dying is scary, but I’ve been fighting for an ok live for over 20 years and I was done. I really believed that I had given it enough time and everything. I was just done.
*cough* Abraham… was in the picture then as well. He didn’t like me wanting to request euthanasia. It all went pretty ugly, I did feel a little manipulated in my choice (by therapy, not Abraham) and in the end I didn’t formally request. But I was so sure of them accepting my request, you can’t deny the fight I have delivered. The pain I caused and keep on causing my mother/sister/bestie(/+ Abraham at that time) by living. I have fought, been in therapy for 8 or 9 years, nobody seems to know what to do, or how to help me. How could they say no? How could they deny me a death with dignity, and force me to hang myself, slit my wrists or jump in front of a train (which in the end, all of the things will have a chance of traumatizing the person finding me/hitting me).

But I had it planned out.
I did describe how I felt save with Abraham somewhere in my blog.
Yes I was scared of death, of course, of what might come, but I thought nothing could be worse than my life and the pain I’m causing others. And then I thought.. I’m gonna ask Abraham to be with me, I’d want him close enough so he’ll be able to hold me, and then.. I wont be afraid of anything anymore. I know it’ll be okay (death ofcourse..)
You’re here, there is nothing I fear
I was SO sure of that. I never asked him, because I wanted to wait, to make sure everything was ok and then maybe make sure he was ok with it, to be with me at that moment. But I was planning on asking him. I thought and knew it would be the most peaceful death I could ever wish for.

I stumbled on that picture yesterday, and suddenly this all popped in to my head again. Made me a little sad.

I am not in the right place now to answer the question ‘Are you glad you’re still alive?’
Rationally I’d say; yes of course! Found new hope.
Emotionally I’d say; No, I’m not glad and I regret missing that opportunity.

But since I know (rationally πŸ˜‰ ) that there were times since that I’ve been flying high since then, and that it’s not clever to make a drastic choice (answer) like that when you’re emotional. I’d say, ignore what I’m saying emotionally, and listen to what I’m saying rationally.

xoxo
Brianna

(This is my 98’s post by the way! It’s all going so quick!)

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Memories; Love of my life

The biggest love of my life; my grandma ❀ 

Hi everyone,

I want to share some beautiful memories I have of my grandma. Just a note; she is alive, but lives in another country but isn’t doing that well.
I know when she dies, I probably wont be able to get to her for the funeral, because there they have a funeral within 24 hours (plane is too expensive and car ride is minimal 2 days. With hardly any stops, which should mean there should be 2/3 people who can switch driving. )

However, not going to think of that!

My grandma, is really a gorgeous woman.

She lived with us when I was very young. My grandpa died shortly after I was born (I guess I was 1 or 2?) and then my grandma came to live with us. My sister was scared of my grandpa, I think because he was so ill, he had cancer. I was (Weirdly) not scared at all, and would sit at his bed and hold his hand and stroke it (as you would do with a cat). I don’t remember this, but my grandma told me.

Sadly, I was her favourite. And she didn’t try to hide that. Though she denies that to this day. I know it hurts my sister very much that my grandma would always put me first.

Whenever I was getting beaten, afterwards, my grandma would hug me and tell me it would all be ok. I could lie in her arms for hours just listening to her. I still remember her smell πŸ˜€
She would always play rummikub with my mum, and I never understood the game, but I thought it was very interesting, all the numbers and colours. Later on, they learned me the game, and my grandma helped me when I didn’t know what I could do as a next set. Later on, when I was a lot older and my grandma already living in another country, I helped her when she didn’t know what to do πŸ™‚ (when we were vistiting)

My grandma is catholic and had these gorgeous Maria statuettes in her room. Also a lot of amethyst gemstones. Real big ones, very beautiful πŸ™‚

At night when I would have a nightmare (Which was actually every night) I’d knock on the wall, because my grandma slept in the room next to mine (and my sisters) and she’d come to me and ask what was wrong. Obviously I had a night mare and was too scared to go to sleep. She said I should anyway, and that she’d hold my hand and protect me. So I went to sleep, security blanket in one hand, grandma’s hand in the other. And I closed my eyes. I did fall asleep and wake up in the morning and she’d be in her own bed again. But sometimes, I fell a sleep, and something woke me up, probably my grandma trying to get up, and then I opened my eyes and said Β ‘are you leaving?’ and she would sit down and say ‘no dear, just changing position’ πŸ˜€ of course she was trying to leave haha. But she sat back down and waited again till I fell asleep.

I also knew my grandma was always in for a hug. So I could always come to her for a big hug and just some warmth and love.
Also she was always in for a game. I loved games, but I always wanted to win. She’d let me cheat, so I could win, haha.

When my mum was at work and I came home from school, I was allowed to eat 1 cookie and 1 little bowl of chips. She discussed that with my mum of course but I was always so excited about that. I loved (and still do πŸ˜› ) food.

When we would go to the super market (my mum, sister, grandma and me) my sister and I would run ahead to make sure the bench was available for my grandmother halfway. Because she needed a break. We were always so proud that we were able to save her a spot.

Sadly my grandmother moved away when I was about 6. She couldn’t handle the cold weather and moved.
I did visit her a lot since. On holiday.

Right now she lives in a sort of nursery home, but the lady who runs it is really weird (Like magically my grandma’s engagement ring (which was very valuable dissapeared. My grandma was very upset about that 😦 (me too! She told me I’d get it when she passed away) just weird stuff like that, always asking for more money from my uncle to pay her living, and then again more for clothes and stuff… ). Plus there are other grandma’s really really sick and they scare me. I was really shocked the first time to see all those old people (well… there were just 3, and 1 in bed) there, really being so tired and stuff.

The last time I saw my grandma was May 2012, We were visiting there and when we walked in, I was VERY excited about seeing my grandmother and when I saw her she looked a little weird at me. So I said ‘hi grandma!’ and she said ‘hi dear’ Β but really distant. .So the care-taker-lady told me I could sit next to her. And I sat and grabbed her hand. She look confused at me and then she said ‘Oh Brianna! What are you doing here? Where is your mum?’ and my mum (sitting on the other side of her) was like ‘uh.. mum.. I’m here..’ and then my grandma recognized her as well.
I didn’t really follow the discussions between her and my mum and her care-taker. But I was just sitting next to her, holding her hand, and enjoying being with her. Sometimes just telling her ‘grandma, I love you’ and she’d say ‘i love you too dear’ πŸ™‚ <3333 makes me all warm now πŸ˜€

She ALWAYS asks if I have a boyfriend, hahahahahah. I guess that’s a typical grandma question πŸ˜›

Once earlier, when I visited her. I took a lot of photo’s of me with me. In a frame. Some big, some a little smaller. And she was soo happy with them! She said I looked like a photo Β model, which is ridiculous of course, but I love how she said that and I do feel like she meant it πŸ™‚

Back to the last time I saw her. She got into a discussion with my mum about how she always put me first. Well my mum said that to her. And she denied. A little further she said; ‘Brianna’s sister is a natural beauty. Brianna isn’t, but Brianna is beautiful on the inside, that’s what I like so much’ I did feel hurt.. am I ugly? And I cried and walked away. I’m not mad at her though, but it just hurt at that moment.

My mum is really pissed at her for denying that she put me first and stuff and she isn’t planning on seeing her ever again. I’m afraid, because I do want to see her as soon as possible again. So I really hope I can go to her in 2014!!

 

Did you ever know that you are my hero?
You are everything I wish I could be
I can fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings
This song reminds me of my grandma <33

She was so important in the first years of my life. Always there for me. She wasn’t able to stand up against my father. Logical, she was living there for free… I don’t blame her. I do know she always hugged me and comforted me when I was crying, tell me it would be alright. Sing songs to me. Always telling me she loves me πŸ™‚
She really is the love of my life.

Sometimes, well, a lot of times, I miss her and the pain is so bad. And this song really describes that for me..

I can feel you, so near
Getting warm but, still cold

Why do you have to be so far away?
Cause I am still here
Who will be there if I need you today?
Cause I am still here

All the time I saw you try to make it undone,
Your toughest fight, but you carried on
And I know that you’ve been telling me to hold on..

Why do you have to be so far away? Cause I’m still…
You know that I’m still here.

 

I really want to get married in her country so she can be there(she won’t be able to come to Holland), I want her to see my children.

My grandma means more to me than words can explain. I am so scared of losing her. But I keep myself warm with all these memories.

xoxo
Brianna

Memory; tennis try-out

Might be a trigger!

Hi,

I just got triggered by something simple.
It was supposed to be positive I guess, but It triggered me to a memory.
It’s all repeating in my head now, so I’m going to write it down and hope it will help me get it out of my head.
I was about 11 years I think.
I just stopped swimming and gymnastics and was allowed to choose another sport. I couldn’t decide between hockey and tennis. So I got to try them both out with 1 training.
When I got to tennis. I don’t even know what happened, well, looking back, I was still being abused and living at home, depressed and so it’s not hard to think why it went wrong. But I don’t remember if anything happened before going to the try out.

My mum had bought me some gym clothes to wear. Me, being the chubby girl I was, tried them on in the dressing room (I was alone in the dressing room with my mum) and it was this really tight pink t-shirt with a tight short black pants. I felt really insecure in it, at home they made sure I knew I was fat and some kids at school as well. I was only 11 but really chubby, so I had these small ‘boobs’ which were actually just fat, but ok. But in the tight pink shirt it was so obvious, my body shape, and it was a little short too so you could see a bit of my tummy. I panicked and told my mum I didn’t want to go wearing this and if we could reschedule. She got mad at me for being a baby and shoved me out of the dressing room unto the tennis field. I was crying and trying to hide my tummy/fatboobs and my mum kept pushing me, while getting even more angry with me for crying.
I felt everyone could see how disgusting I was, how fat, how ugly, how dirty.. just everything. embarrassed of being me, betrayed (yet again) by my mum, scared.

The training went ok though, the trainer was nice and the 3 others kids were nice as well. The trainer said I had potential and that I learned quick (I never chose tennis by the way).

It’s just so stuck in my head. I can still see that intense pink shirt with a stupid white print on it, and feel it so tight on my body and just have it show all my shapes. The black pants as well.. yuck.
Feeling the shame, the hurt (by my mum mainly), insecurity..

Well.. I wiped away a few tears while writing this. So I DO feel something. But it’s all numb-ed down again. Though I do feel down now.

Going to go to bed now, just wrap myself in my blankets and be save and warm.

xoxo
Brianna