Am I a lost cause?

Simple Plan – Me against the world

“They want to watch me fall. 
I am a nightmare, a disaster.. that’s what they always say.
I am a lost cause, not a hero, but I’ll make it on my own.

You can sit there and judge me,
Say what you want to,
I’ll never let you win.

Me against the world.”

Disturbed – Down with the sickness

“Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant, I kneel
It’s seems whats left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

There’s no turning back now. You’ve woken up the demon in me.

Open up your hate and let it flow into me.

Madness is the gift that has been given to me.”

Adam Lambert – Whataya want from me?


“But now… here we are.. so what do you want from me? 

Just DONT give up! I am working it out.
Please don’t give in. I wont let you down.
It messed me up. Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around. 

Baby you are beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with you
It’s me.. I am a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you are doing it perfectly.

I think you could save my life.

Dont give up… I am working it out (give me the time) please don’t give in.
It messed me up.. I need a second to breathe.

What do you want from me?”

Within Temptation – All I need

“Why don’t I ever learn? 
I’ve lost all my trust though I surely tried to turn it around..
Can you still see the heart of me? 
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace.

Dont tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

I’m here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away from turning around.

Make it fade away, don’t break me down..
I want to believe that this is for real, save me from my fear
Dont tear me down…
For all I need

MAKE MY HEART A BETTER PLACE!”

It has been about 18 hours since I took the medication and I’m more clear again. Found myself listening to these four songs.

Brandon told me once about something called the ‘drama triangle’, I just literally translated it to English. Dont know if it’s called the same in English. It’s about (as far as I know) when after (as I guess) a childhood trauma you are in this triangle. Victim – Accuser – Helper.
Victim acts like a victim (after the trauma of course) and just waits to be rescued.
Accuser accuses every one else. Blames everyone except himself. (It’s simple explained, but I do mean abused people can become abusers and stuff like that. People who had traumatising childhoods who murder people as an adult. But that’s of course an extreme side)
Helper is someone who only focuses on other people and never looks at himself and just focuses on (for instance) helping the victim, picking up the victim, taking care of the victim, shushing things between victim and accuser etc.)

The ‘best’ position to be in (according to Brandon, and this is how I interpreted it) is to stand in the middle of the triangle. Within your own strength. Your own helper. Yes a victim, but realizing that you can do something about it NOW. Don’t blame others for what your actions are right now. And looking at yourself critically enough, knowing your boundaries, putting yourself first and not (for instance) focussing on a victim’s needs when you’ll have to cross your own boundaries to give them the needs.

As far as I know it’s a triangle in which people (more people) are in. At therapy they say my mum, sister and me are functioning in that traingle. Have been all our lives. Which makes it hard to step out of it on your own, when the other two people are still acting on the rules of the triangle.

Brandon made a joke once, about that my mum, sister and me have a club (which is the Drama Triangle) and to enter (my sisters fiancee for instance) you must accept the rules of the Triangle and also act like that. He said my mum was the chairwoman of the Drama Triangle-club of ours. :’)
I started laughing but actually it’s not funny at all… :/
I do feel demanding, I have therapy 2 days a week. But who can correct me the other 5 days? I wish there was someone who could see when I was acting wrong and just like make me aware of it, but without needing to be around me all the time.

Is the situation hopeless? Am I a lost cause? What if I’m very emotional (angry or sad or whatever) and am not able to think clearly, who will be there to kick my ass and point it out before I do something stupid?

I’ll be honest; my anger scares me. (Not that I want to kill someone, don’t get me wrong. I only know that I can become angry within 5 seconds (especially when I’m not drugged with heavy anti psychotics), and I’m afraid I wont be able to control myself. I have had blind-rage issue’s when I was younger)
My heart doesn’t feel like a good place.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. found the Drama triangle on google. Just to paint a picture;
dramadriehoek

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