Might be a trigger!
I just got triggered by something simple.
It was supposed to be positive I guess, but It triggered me to a memory.
It’s all repeating in my head now, so I’m going to write it down and hope it will help me get it out of my head.
I was about 11 years I think.
I just stopped swimming and gymnastics and was allowed to choose another sport. I couldn’t decide between hockey and tennis. So I got to try them both out with 1 training.
When I got to tennis. I don’t even know what happened, well, looking back, I was still being abused and living at home, depressed and so it’s not hard to think why it went wrong. But I don’t remember if anything happened before going to the try out.
My mum had bought me some gym clothes to wear. Me, being the chubby girl I was, tried them on in the dressing room (I was alone in the dressing room with my mum) and it was this really tight pink t-shirt with a tight short black pants. I felt really insecure in it, at home they made sure I knew I was fat and some kids at school as well. I was only 11 but really chubby, so I had these small ‘boobs’ which were actually just fat, but ok. But in the tight pink shirt it was so obvious, my body shape, and it was a little short too so you could see a bit of my tummy. I panicked and told my mum I didn’t want to go wearing this and if we could reschedule. She got mad at me for being a baby and shoved me out of the dressing room unto the tennis field. I was crying and trying to hide my tummy/fatboobs and my mum kept pushing me, while getting even more angry with me for crying.
I felt everyone could see how disgusting I was, how fat, how ugly, how dirty.. just everything. embarrassed of being me, betrayed (yet again) by my mum, scared.
The training went ok though, the trainer was nice and the 3 others kids were nice as well. The trainer said I had potential and that I learned quick (I never chose tennis by the way).
It’s just so stuck in my head. I can still see that intense pink shirt with a stupid white print on it, and feel it so tight on my body and just have it show all my shapes. The black pants as well.. yuck.
Feeling the shame, the hurt (by my mum mainly), insecurity..
Well.. I wiped away a few tears while writing this. So I DO feel something. But it’s all numb-ed down again. Though I do feel down now.
Going to go to bed now, just wrap myself in my blankets and be save and warm.