The bags under my eyes are prada

Today I did it. I emailed Brandon. I’m kinda afraid of his reaction. I was very honest. I’m afraid too honest. But a part of me is thinking, how can I be too honest with my therapist? He knows me better than anyone else.

I feel so torn between two parts of me.
The part of me that is real angry and feels like destroying everything “Madness is the gift that has been given to me

& the part that just desperately wants to stop the pain but doesn’t know how “Don’t tear me down for all I need, make my heart a better place, give me something I can believe

Actually they both mean the same. Anger does cover up pain. The basic question in my email to Brandon was; how can I stop/survive/handle this pain?

xoxo
Brianna

Walking in circles

Hi,

I called the psychiatrist today because I’ve been taking oxazepam for quite a while now (daily). He suggested a type of heart medication, that lowers my heart rate and blood pressure, I wont be able to get scared because my heart just can’t beat faster. I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is freaky?
I already refused a lot of medication he suggested due to my overweight (I weigh more than 100 kg/15 stone/220 pounds). I really don’t want to gain more kilo’s ūüė¶ ! Food is so complicated for me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

I am getting really frustrated and hopeless. I feel everyone (Brandon, Polly, psychiatrist, myself) is trying to fix a little part of me, and in the end it’s just not working. Because I stumble on other things and I shove them forward to (for instance) Brandon, and then something comes up which I shove towards Polly (because it fits her workfield) etc.

Right now I am angry with the psychiatrist. I asked him for some time to think about it, though I already know I don’t want the heart medication. And I can feel myself in a ¬†‘fuck you/whatever’ mode. I don’t care anymore. WELL, fuck my sleep then. I’ll just cut my way through the night. And don’t they dare say anything about that! I’ll do it in my own way. THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAYS. Freaking heart medication. That’s ridiculous. I am not too difficult, in my opinion. I have antidepressants, antipsychotics,¬†antiepileptics etc. But I just don’t want anything influencing my heart.

My urge to self-harm is real big right now. I feel I’m not worth it. He told me he’d fax a recipe for oxazepam to my pharmacy (while I was thinking about the heart medication, so a recipe for 2 weeks maximum). He never did!!!!! It’s the 3rd time he told me he’d do something for me, but never did.

xoxo
Brianna

Arghh

Hi,

Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem

THAT STUPID GIRL WAS BLABBING STUFF ABOUT HOW SHE COULDN’T HANDLE HEARING ABOUT MY PAST AND STUFF BECAUSE IT HURT HER SO BAD.

and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME.¬†Unlike you¬†
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have ¬†FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size¬†zero)¬†WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me ¬†‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.

 

MY HEART IS BROKEN.

Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);
http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/11/21/childhood-trauma-and-obsessive-love-disorder/

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.

Brianna

Too much

I am angry!!

*stamps feet* (< that must mean I am angry right? I dont know any other word for that feeling/action)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

aah

 

 

This is me inside:
screammm

This is me on the outside:
confuseddd

 

 

Gonna concentrate on my breathing now, this anger isn’t helpful at all.

Am I a lost cause?

Simple Plan – Me against the world

“They want to watch me fall.¬†
I am a nightmare, a disaster.. that’s what they always say.
I am a lost cause, not a hero, but I’ll make it on my own.

You can sit there and judge me,
Say what you want to,
I’ll never let you win.

Me against the world.”

Disturbed – Down with the sickness

“Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant, I kneel
It’s seems whats left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

There’s no turning back now. You’ve woken up the demon in me.

Open up your hate and let it flow into me.

Madness is the gift that has been given to me.”

Adam Lambert – Whataya want from me?


“But now… here we are.. so what do you want from me?¬†

Just DONT give up! I am working it out.
Please don’t give in. I wont let you down.
It messed me up. Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around. 

Baby you are beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with you
It’s me.. I am a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you are doing it perfectly.

I think you could save my life.

Dont give up… I am working it out (give me the time) please don’t give in.
It messed me up.. I need a second to breathe.

What do you want from me?”

Within Temptation – All I need

“Why don’t I ever learn?¬†
I’ve lost all my trust though I surely tried to turn it around..
Can you still see the heart of me? 
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace.

Dont tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

I’m here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away from turning around.

Make it fade away, don’t break me down..
I want to believe that this is for real, save me from my fear
Dont tear me down…
For all I need

MAKE MY HEART A BETTER PLACE!”

It has been about 18 hours since I took the medication and I’m more clear again. Found myself listening to these four songs.

Brandon told me once about something called the ‘drama triangle’, I just literally translated it to English. Dont know if it’s called the same in English. It’s about (as far as I know) when after (as I guess) a childhood trauma you are in this triangle. Victim – Accuser – Helper.
Victim acts like a victim (after the trauma of course) and just waits to be rescued.
Accuser accuses every one else. Blames everyone except himself. (It’s simple explained, but I do mean abused people can become abusers and stuff like that. People who had traumatising childhoods who murder people as an adult. But that’s of course an extreme side)
Helper is someone who only focuses on other people and never looks at himself and just focuses on (for instance) helping the victim, picking up the victim, taking care of the victim, shushing things between victim and accuser etc.)

The ‘best’ position to be in (according to Brandon, and this is how I interpreted it) is to stand in the middle of the triangle. Within your own strength. Your own helper. Yes a victim, but realizing that you can do something about it NOW. Don’t blame others for what your actions are right now. And looking at yourself critically enough, knowing your boundaries, putting yourself first and not (for instance) focussing on a victim’s needs when you’ll have to cross your own boundaries to give them the needs.

As far as I know it’s a triangle in which people (more people) are in. At therapy they say my mum, sister and me are functioning in that traingle. Have been all our lives. Which makes it hard to step out of it on your own, when the other two people are still acting on the rules of the triangle.

Brandon made a joke once, about that my mum, sister and me have a club (which is the Drama Triangle) and to enter (my sisters fiancee for instance) you must accept the rules of the Triangle and also act like that. He said my mum was the chairwoman of the Drama Triangle-club of ours. :’)
I started laughing but actually it’s not funny at all… :/
I do feel demanding, I have therapy 2 days a week. But who can correct me the other 5 days? I wish there was someone who could see when I was acting wrong and just like make me aware of it, but without needing to be around me all the time.

Is the situation hopeless? Am I a lost cause? What if I’m very emotional (angry or sad or whatever) and am not able to think clearly, who will be there to kick my ass and point it out before I do something stupid?

I’ll be honest; my anger scares me. (Not that I want to kill someone, don’t get me wrong. I only know that I can become angry within 5 seconds (especially when I’m not drugged with heavy anti psychotics), and I’m afraid I wont be able to control myself. I have had blind-rage issue’s when I was younger)
My heart doesn’t feel like a good place.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. found the Drama triangle on google. Just to paint a picture;
dramadriehoek