:)

Hi,

What a rollercoaster day.

Right now I’m doing pretty okay actually. I thought of something, and wanted to share it with you guys.
I’m going to bed right now.. and I figured.. I’m going to bed with a smile. Not just any smile. A smile someone gave me, with just being who he is. Also for giving me the lift up to work through, the faith, the strength, the courage and so much more.

By-the-way-Im-wearing-the-smile-you-gave-me

Are you guys wearing any smiles? ❤

xoxo
Brianna

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Nothing’s fine, I’m torn

Typed a whole lot.. then deleted it. It’s just me nagging about my life.
Not knowing what to do next. Not knowing how long it will take. Feeling lonely. Angry. Helpless. Sad.

Come and rescue me, I’m burning can’t you see?

I need a rescuer, I really do. Not someone who will do it for me. But someone who will stand next to me. Hold my hand. Hug me. Who I can see face-to-face, laugh with. Watch movies with. Go for drinks with. Someone who is near me and despite all my flaws, still believes in me. Someone who limits me when I’m crossing the line. Someone who encourages me when I’m doing well. Someone who I can talk to.

Don’t say it’s not possible. Because I really don’t believe you can do this all by yourself. Not with 1 talk a week of 45 minutes. And nobody else around you. Rotting away on your couch. I really believe you need to have a person who supports you in your life (outside of treatment) and who lives near. Well, I do. Social contact is a primary necessity of life for me.

Trust like you’ve never been hurt?

Hi!

I’m really on a roll today, just thinking… and trying to understand things.

I got a comment from a fellow blogger on WordPress which made me think (in a good way!). Betty once said to me because of the whole Abraham thing, that I am pointing my finger at him for leaving and stuff, but that I should look at my own part in it. I do hate that I don’t. But I really have trouble seeing it.
Sometimes it’s obvious. An ex of mine, yeah, I have been terrible. I know that. I am painfully aware of my own part in destroying what we had.

 

With Abraham, yeah I did blame him. I don’t anymore, but I do stand by what I said. I warned him numerous times to not ask me whats wrong because he can’t handle what I’d tell him. I told hem I’d be fine, but that he should just leave it. He didn’t, he pulled it out of me. Yeah, of course I had a choice to not tell him. But I guess he wouldn’t  understand and maybe even got mad a little and just walk away. Now I told him, he helped me, which was too much for him and he walked away. Uhhh… where is this my fault? i’m sorry and I feel really stupid, but I  really don’t see what I did wrong here. Yeah, I leaned on him like crazy, and that I shouldn’t have. I could’ve told him whats wrong. But just go to Betty the day after. I didn’t. He felt save(er) and more available, more involved and stuff. Ok… I do see the point here 😛 But I’m really not mad at him. But I used to be.

Uhm.. there was this (sort of) ex of mine.. hmmm… lets call him Bobby. I dated him when I was 16. I had hardly any experience with guys ‘my age’, he was 5 years older though I think. So when I saw him for the first time some sexual stuff happened. I was under the impression that meant we had a relationship. Which apparently we didn’t. He came over to my place when he wanted sex and he left right after that. Sure, red flags all over the place. We would have sex and I was just crying while he was doing his business and afterwards he’d be like ‘whats wrong?’. I could tell him numerous times I don’t feel ok having sex right now, I couldn’t explain him why and what was wrong with it, but I just wasn’t ok with it. He understood. Next time he came over, it happened again. I didn’t say no (my fault!!!!!!!! My part). I do feel a little double about this because of the age difference he ‘should have known’ that it wasn’t ok for him to try again. But then again, I didn’t say no and maybe the 1 time I did, he playfully got further and I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to. I’ve had contact with him on and off for years. He’d dump me when he found another girl and then contact me when she didn’t like him anymore. Stupid me, was happy enough with the ‘love’ I was getting so i let him back in. But the same stuff happened over and over again.
*fast forward to 2013*
I did have contact with him this year, uhm, I was a lot stronger than back then. I stated very clearly I only wanted to be friends and not friends-with-benefits. Whenever he made a pass at me, I would just put him back in his ‘place’. I know he’s been like this with his ex girlfriend as well. The girl he was dating before we got contact again in 2013. Whenever I was feeling upset and stuff, I could come to him, but he’d never know what to say and just make an inappropriate comment about sexual stuff he wants to do with me. It never felt ok, but I know he has a problem with is libido, its insanely high, he can’t help it. It did come to a point where he kinda put me in a corner and I just said ‘ok’ to him about something he wanted to do. When I told him later (we hadn’t done it yet) I didn’t feel ok about it, and I might get a lot of flashbacks and relive things, he’d be like ‘well you promised’. He could really get very angry with me for not wanting to anymore. Sometimes he would have this moment of clarity and tell me he loves me, and is sorry for his sexual behaviour and he knows he makes me do stuff that I actually don’t want to (he said this himself! I didn’t tell him!!). But the next day he could be like his old self again.

Ok. I can see where I made have made some mistakes. But how can it be wrong to give someone another chance? I know he has problems with his libido and that makes him act like that. Yeah, even in 2013 he hurt me A LOT. But he has an issue with his libido….. so I have to forgive him for that and give him another chance. He broke contact with me like a week ago. Honestly I think he’s back with his old girlfriend (he treated her really bad, and I told him that I didn’t think it was ok for him to do that, and he said he understuud), but it’s just a matter of time before I get an email from him again, asking how I’m doing and stuff (I bet I’ll have that email a year from now). Who am I, to not give him another chance? When he say’s he’s changed?

Sure. When this would happen to someone else, I’d be like ‘Uhh sweety you gotta wake up, he’s using you’ (that would be with someone else and I wouldn’t be involved in it). But I’m just not with  myself. And isn’t it true you should give people a chance to change? shouldn’t I help him change? To stop being so hurtful to girls (I KNOW he has hurt a lot of them, he told me in his moments of clarity). And yeah, he tells me nice things. He knows me, he knows my drama queen modus, and he accepts it. Why shouldn’t I accept his ‘drama-queen-modus’? In my modus I don’t hurt him personally, that’s true. But… yeah.. you know. I just don’t know. I feel like I should give people the chance to do things differently the next time. Because I don’t think Bobby is a bad guy. He just acts really stupid sometimes.
Yeah, my tears over the years could fill a whole swimming pool. But does that mean that I should avoid contact with him when he contacts me again and it seems like he’s changed?

I am sure that I never want a relationship with him, I’ll never trust him to that position. However I do feel for him and want to be his friend. And I feel like (sometimes?) he cares for me to. But his libido just gets in the way.

How is it wrong to believe in the good? In the better? To trust like you’ve never been hurt?

When someone rejects me because of my cptsd without even knowing me. I’d be hurt. How can someone blame me for something someone else (with cptsd) had done to them? Dont I deserve a fair chance?

There are tons of red flags around the people I meet. And my standard have gone up VERY high. I don’t tolerate the standard things you see. People asking for pictures of your full body, or cup size stuff, how many sex partners I had. When someone says that to me right now, I’m like ‘Bye!’, not in a harsh way. But because I believe that’s a sign someone is looking for something else than me. And I know if I get involved in it, I wont be able to get out easily or without being hurt. I’m saying bye as soon as I can, because the longer I know the person, the harder it’ll be to say that bye and to set a boundary.

So I’m not naive…. but I do feel people deserve second chances and yeah Bobby had about 7 of them. But again, who am I to reject him on what his problem is, when he wont reject me for mine?

Do I trust like I’ve never been hurt? Yeah! But I don’t ignore the obvious signs I described above.
I want to believe, I need to believe, people only want good for everyone. Everyone deserves a fair chance.. don’t they? When is the chance not fair anymore? People can change.. I know I want to. And I’d really appreciate it if someone would give me another chance if I screwed something up.

What am I doing wrong?

Well sure, the leaning part I did on Abraham is definitely wrong.
But other than that, in the past year, I haven’t ignored the obvious signs like I did when I was younger and yet I keep getting hurt xD

You know that moment when everyone around you gets a joke and you dont and it makes you feel stupid? I feel like that right now. I feel the stupidest person on WordPress.. everyone see’s what I’m doing wrong, I just dont, haha. *shaking my head @ myself*
I should discuss it with Betty or Brandon. Put it on the list (which already contains 100 things) I need to discuss.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. What came to my mind! Somewhere this year, between Abraham walking away and me meeting up with Randy I got a message from a guy, everything seemed perfect but it just didn’t feel right. I really didn’t know why, but he wanted my number. I never responded…. I just couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was incredibly wrong. But back then, and right now, I didn’t/don’t know what it was. I guess I’ll never know.

Thinking, reflecting and worrying

Hello everyone,

I don’t really have something that happened or a topic  I want to write about. Just about me, and what I’m doing now and stuff.

Well I guess its been kind of obvious I’ve been really realizing my loneliness. It’s weird, because it’s not that different from a week ago. I guess I’m just looking in the mirror, at my behaviour. I just can’t stop but think about friends.. who aren’t friends anymore.
I do feel like social contact is a sort of food for me,without it, I feel kind of empty. I am SO blessed and thankful for the internet contacts here on WordPress for instance, and the phone contact I can have with my sisters and best friend, I really am. Without that I’d be lost. But I guess it’s a part of being a human, that you always long for more. I’d love some face to face contact. I don’t even mind if it’s just drinking somewhere. Or looking for a book in a bookstore with someone. I really feel like I need that face to face interaction, a reason to get dressed. A reason to do my hair.

I feel empty. So empty. Been crying a lot yesterday evening and today. But not in a bad way, I am crying, but I do feel I’m stable. I texted my sisters asking if she wants to facetime today. So maybe we’ll talk for an hour on facetime. I’m going to text my best friend, to see how she’s doing today.

I’m going to look at a project they have in Holland were you get a sort of buddy (they are volunteers) who can do something with you. Thanks for the tip justeramaajarvi!
But I do feel like a total failure. That I am so socially awkward and not able to make friends in a normal way. But my home counselor (Polly) said she would think of a way I can meet people without going to a sports club/school. I’ll see Polly again Tuesday, so I hope she’ll have some ideas by then.
I’ve been all over the internet, believe me. Dating site’s, friendship site’s. But I’m sorry, there’s just a lot of trash over there. And yeah, I am picky. I just don’t want someone who wants me for sex. And most of them want that. Even though its a freaking friendship site, you get in contact, then they start talking about a (love) relationship, and when you say you’re not interested in that (because the person is just not my type, I’m really not thát picky!!! It’s just that i do feel I have to set some boundaries, like age and the way they look at things. A lot of people are like ; oh you’re feeling good? Then you can go to school again, and stop your therapy. They just don’t understand. Yeah, right now I’m feeling good. But within an hour I could be in the hospital because of self harm!   Ok.. breathe Brianna…..) *when you tell them you don’t want a love relationship with them* they just walk away. I’m only good enough for a relationship with a lot of sex of course. But when I don’t want to kiss and stuff they just walk away. Not good enough as just a friend.
Do I need to lower my demands? Because if someone here thinks so, please tell me. I don’t feel like I should, but yeah, I’m still alone xD so maybe that’s the whole point.

I really don’t want to act all victim-y but how the hell do I meet people. And you know, when I do meet them, how the hell do I keep acting normal? It may seem arrogant, but it seems like I have a quality that attracts other people who are a bit lonely as well, so we are both willing to spend very much time together (which makes the friendship very intense), but whenever you spend much time with me (and by much I do mean see me for 5 times a week, sometimes with sleep over) you do get to see my mood swing, and maybe even me crying because of stupid shit. Yeah, I’ll freaking scare everyone off. But should  I just tell them ‘no, I can’t right now, I’ll talk to you tomorrow’ and then sit alone and eat out of my nose again? Because we both know (me and that other person) I have nothing better to do. And when I am honest about not feeling that good, (I guess) a normal person would want to help. And that’s where they get involved and step into my emotion rollercoaster. Till they get nauseous and step out of the rollercoaster and run out of my theme park. (Lol, not the fun kind though)

I see a pattern. But I don’t see a way out of the pattern.
So this is bothering me. The lonesomeness and the if-I-find-contact-what-should-I-do?

Basically, like I wrote about a few posts back. The ptsd is complex, it makes me complex. It makes it hard for other to stay around me. It makes me lonely.

xoxo
Brianna

I want to take a moment and say ‘thank you’

Hi everyone,

Well its 21.30 pm now.
I had a perfect day!!!!! 🙂
It may seem weird to use the word ‘perfect’, but it doesn’t mean that I felt 100% happy all the time. It just that I realized how blessed I am. The things I can. Really realizing it, feeling strong enough to see it, sun was shining outside, but in me as well!
I am able to clean my house on my own. I do have help at home, 2 times a week. I have therapy 2 times a week. I have the best, best friend a person could wish for. I have my own house. Two wonderful and beautiful cats who love me very much. I’ve got a wonderful sister who loves me so much, and even asked me to be her best man (woman?) on her wedding! I have a mum who loves me and supports me the best she can right now. I do have an income. I have a lovely home which feels save, in a save neighbourhood. I get to go to therapy with a taxi.
What a list! I’m thankful for everything right now. It doesn’t mean when I’m sad I’m not thankful, but that just means everything is so hard and I’m feeling like i can’t do this alone and stuff. But I do want to remind myself of what I have and cherish it 🙂 Because it’s never certain you have those things.

It seems weird, but I really want to thank God for having these things.

I did have some down moments this afternoon/evening. Of course my best friend knows my ins and outs and I know hers, so we also talked about that. It made me sad a little, but I’m glad we have the kind of friendship, where we pull eachother up, and not down. Whem I’m feeling down, and she contacts me. I am positive for her. Because I KNOW she will make it. I know she will work through it. i’m realistic and honest with her, but I have faith in her. & She has the same in me. We understand each other, because we’ve been through the same.
I didn’t let the down moments ruin my day, because I believe in myself. I’m confident. I know I have to watch out for the pitfalls (like right now, I’m getting VERY tired, and I can feel my mood falling down, so I started to think why, but I felt it in my whole body, I’m tired, not just sleepy but really not much energy left) and act on them. So I’m going to go to bed now (sleep with my security blanket (and of course one of the cats will come with (it’s like they take shifts :P))). Tomorrow will be a full day of therapy again + a talk with Brandon. So I’ll be there till 4 pm!

xoxo
Brianna