Overload of tears

I can’t remember the last time I cried this much.
It can’t be that long ago, but I’ve been doing pretty ok, keeping myself pretty stable. Crying doesn’t mean I’m unstable, but it’s really a waterfall.

It started around 11.30 am at therapy. Got my ass whipped for speaking up. (basically > just speaking my point of view) Afterwards got all compliments from the girls for speaking up.
Anyway it didn’t help, tears came out. Unfair. No openness. Why would you kick my ass.

I don’t understand.

Right now, I’m still crying. Almost 10.30 pm.
I have periods of hyperventilating, although I do feel that’s more ‘Brenda crying’ because it’s very limitless. I completely drown in all sorrow and my own tears.

I can’t even grab Brenda’s hand and help her. I’m drowning myself. I’ve got my/our security blanket in my hand, all the time, and it brings comfort, a lot, but it doesn’t stop the tears from coming.

I feel completely broken. The road ahead feels shattered.
I feel like I’m standing alone, Brenda is shaking on her legs, trying to hold her own weight, standing behind me/hiding. And I don’t know what to do.

I really wish I had Abraham by my side right now. Not just because he gives the best advice ever. But because I’d like a hug. Brenda wants him around too.

I don’t think, well I’m pretty sure, I wont be going to therapy on Monday. I need the rest. I’ll go on Wednesday again, because 1. Brandon will be there (he’s the only half-save person there.) and 2. the ass-whipper is there as well. < Balance, right?

Right now you can really carry me away. My eyes are swollen. My head is about to burst. I am so upset, even the nap I had this afternoon (before the nap I cried, and after I woke, I started crying again!) didn’t regulate my feelings/state of mind.

What are my options?

The need to sweep it under the rug

Hi,

I am writing this blogpost right now, because I feel the need to sweep something under the rug, which is my last blog post. Why? I am ashamed. Ashamed of my behaviour, ashamed of my thoughts.. ashamed of myself.

I am calmed down at the moment, had a tough but good day at therapy + a good talk with Brandon. However VERY tired right now, actually exhausted, but I didn’t feel ‘okay’ with that post being at the top of the page. I do want to be honest here, and I don’t want to sweep, so I decided this is a good in between. The post is still there, and here I am, writing a new one, explaining why. 😛

I long for my bed, (just turned my head and looked outside, its DARK!) even though it’s dark, although I don’t really know how I feel about that to be honest.
I’ll probably go eat some dinner and make myself ready for bed.

Polly will be here tomorrow and we’ll probably talk about some place I may be able to go to, during weeks, it’s a sort of living room, for people with mental health issue’s, who are stuck at home and just want to ‘hang out’ out side, but don’t know what to do. You can eat (lunch) there as well, for the people who have eating disorders and trouble with eating. There are people there to talk, but you can just go there and read something. Anyway, I heard a lot of good things about it! So I’m a little bit excited about that 🙂

I’m gonna drag this tired body to the kitchen, put some dinner in the oven, and hopefully have a peaceful evening 🙂 (peaceful = no triggers and/or moodswings)

xoxo
Brianna

Trust (therapy)

Hi,

Had dinner, calmed down (as far as I am able to) and I do really want to write this down.

Briefly about myself right now;
I’m not stable. I’m as stable as it gets while being unstable (if you know what I mean..). I just gotta balance on this cord I’m walking on and do the best I can. Right now I’m full aware of where I am and who I am. That’s a big improvement. The only point is, you never know for how long. I decided to write this little thing down anyway, because it’s not about the whole sexuality thing and because it gave me a little insight on myself.

A child learns to trust in others, because of the parents of which it is dependent on, are reliable in their way of acting and in the child. Which makes the child trust/have faith in the parents as well as in him/herself.
Further to this, the child learns to deal with emotions and learns to endure frustrations (delaying own needs). Enduring frustrations is a lesson the child will only learn if it’s been given the assurance that it’ll all be okay and therefore there’s enough trust.

This was a real smack in the face.
I know I can not endure frustrations. But maybe that’s because I never have faith.. faith that it’ll be okay in the end.

Looking at myself… and being honest, I know when I want something or need something, I want it directly and immediately. I know I can ball like a baby, stamp my feet like a child. Sit on the ground. Hang myself around someone’s leg. Not really knowing how to explain myself, but I could explain what tendency is.
I have to find the trust in myself to know it’ll be okay, like raise myself or something like that.

It’s just weird to have a small sentence like that make sense to so much situations. Like ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………….’

If I would explain myself right now, in words. I’d be something like this (and very Brenda like, so excuse me for that);
Help me, please. Hold me, because I am broken and it hurts. I am lonely and that hurts too. It’s cold. You are warm and I want it too. Please just hold me, you don’t even need to talk to me, just hold me and let me be. See me. It’s empty inside. Hollow. I need you.

But let’s be honest, I could never say that to someone.

xoxo
Brianna

Adult acting like a child?

Hi,

So this is going to be a post about me thinking(writing?) out loud.

Things I have read on the internet, books and heard from therapists mixed together. So I know a lot of the information (especially internet, is not reliable) so I’m just discussing with myself whats going on 😛 trying to figure it out. And maybe wondering what your views are on this.

So, childhood trauma has effects on you as an adult. I guess everybody agree’s on that.
Point 2, to me, is HOW it affects you. One point I am struggling with right now is the regulation of emotions. I do hear a lot that I am acting like a child, which i can understand and agree with. However, I am not a child. I’m an adult. I’m in my 20’s (early 20’s, but still an adult). I have read and heard that acting like a child, could be because of the stop in the emotional development (due to trauma). However your brain, and I guess knowledge and stuff, moves/develops on. So you are able to think like an adult, but just not act like one?

So that would mean that you’re emotionally still a child? But a child needs growing up… which needs guidance… sooo… who will guide you into growing up? Since you only get one set of parents, and maybe those parents were unable to do it properly, or how society might want, so that you can fit in. I don’t think anyone else will be able to take the role of parent, especially when you’re an adult. What is the point of therapy? If you process your trauma’s correctly, the child thing will go away? So by processing your trauma, your emotional development will speed up to your age? While (as far as I know) EMDR (for instance) puts the trauma in a place in your brain, where it belongs ‘correctly’, and the strong feelings with it soften. So it doesn’t bother you as much in your daily life. You wont forget, but it wont hurt as much. How does this help your emotionality (is that a word xD?) grow up?

I know small children, like toddlers, can have outbursts of anger and sadness. In which they might not realize what they’re doing with other people, when they act like that. So you have to limit them, as a parent, in a correct way. So having childhood trauma, means you weren’t limited or weren’t limited in a correct way (for instance by hitting a child whenever it showed emotion?). When the trauma is over and the child/adult is save, it continue’s where he/she has remained (being a toddler, emotional).

A situation, when a child is acting out (we’ve all seen the british nanny program right 😛 ? ) he gets a time out. I do know people give me a time out, when I’m getting too much. When I’m angry (or sad) I’ll be pissed for the damn time out. So I’ll scream and yell till that person is willing to talk to me again. And IF that person maintains the ‘ignoring’ long enough, I’ll probably give up and cry and calm down. My ex used to do this with me, which made me furious. He’d tell me ‘I’m going to stop talking to you, you aren’t being reasonable, so we can talk again when you’re calmer’. I’d flip out, he’s leaving? I’d just continue with yelling. Of course he couldn’t take it (I do have to say, I tell them very personal stuff, like that I hate them..) and he told me ‘I’m not going to talk to you for 2 hours, I’ll see if you’re calmer after that’. Well then I went all crazy (as far as i wasn’t already 😉 ) and I’ll literally tell him anything to just have him talk to me. Ignoring is SO painful. And yeah, maybe after 30/45 minutes of yelling and stuff I’ll give up, and be tired from my whole tantrum and just wait the rest of the time. When he talked to me after the 2 hours, I was calm again. However, I really can’t describe the intense feelings when he is ignoring me, or when he gives me a sort of ultimatum about me having to stop, otherwise he WILL ignore me. It’s like I panick and having him ignore me is the worst thing and might kill me. (Though rationally I KNOW I have to calm down, and won’t be able to when he’s around or when I’m talking to him)

This is incredibly exhausting for another person (I think). However, It didn’t get less over time. I kept acting like a child. Trying to push his buttons and when I did, he’d get angry, and when he got angry, I would get angry as well, and tell him all kinds of stuff. But whenever he said 1 bad thing about me, I’d lose it and remember it for the rest of our relationship.

In time I did learn how to ‘take responsibility’ (if you can call it that) for my outbursts, I’d be incredibly sorry and ashamed and afraid he’d leave me for it.

Is this me having the emotionality of a child? To be honest, is annoy’s me! And the other people around me as well of course.
I did know some people who had clear limits and were very open, honest and strict about them. In the time that I knew them, I wouldn’t even dare to cross it. I knew the consequences and I was too afraid. But then again, I didn’t know them for very long, or didn’t keep in contact with them, so I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had known them for a year. Usually they are people who don’t get mad easily and are self-assured.

And of course, I wrote this before, but people tend to see me as sweet, innocent, fragile etc. Which I’m not. Well, maybe I am sensitive, but I’m a real bitch.

 

So what is this ‘acting like a child’ thing. I do hear it a lot with BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well, but some people with BPD don’t have a childhood trauma, soo….. why do they do it?
How do you ‘cure’ the acting like a child? How do you grow up emotionally, when you are an adult and/or when the parent isn’t available as parent anymore?
Is there a limit prior to you should’ve learned it, otherwise you never will?

I’m just really thinking about this kind of stuff. You hear a lot of manipulating and stuff. But I don’t think people realize that I (for instance) hate being like this. Hate acting like it. Hate not having the control over my emotions. Getting angry about the smallest things. Not being able to calm down. Push someone’s buttons without realizing I’m pushing/testing them. I HATE it. I want to STOP it.
(See the image of a child irritating his mother, with a big smile, because the mother is telling the child it’s not ok to do that, but I guess the child just pushes further until the mother gets angry. And when she gets angry the child starts to cry) How do you stop the child for going further after being told it was NOT ok to do that? I DO realize it’s not ok.. like someone is taking control over me and keeps on doing it. I do realize I should stop.. I just can’t?
I do want to say that I’m not like this with everyone. LUCKILY! But almost every relationship.. and intense friendship. And unfortunately to my therapists as well. But in a different way, I did not even realize I was testing Betty and Brandon and the whole ‘crew’ until Betty told me I have to quit because she understands why I do it, but she doesn’t accept it. And yeah, that shut me up. For the time being though, a few months later I was doing it again! (And she had to be like ‘Brianna, stop’) -_- *pulls out hair*

I really don’t believe that anyone who acts like that, is happy with acting like that. Clearly it doesn’t get you anywhere. Except loneliness. (But then again, the big fear of abandonment is why you do it…….. so THIS JUST DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!)

Ahhh the mind is a weird thing.
So is mental illness. It’s complex…. it’s not just take this pill for a few day’s and you’re cured. Wish it was though..

xoxo
Brianna

CPTSD; (crazy)PTSD, (confusing)PTSD or just (cracked)PTSD?

TRIGGERING!!!
Because of the huge negativity + details

Hi everyone,

You know what’s confusing to me?
I know I have (c)PTSD and right now, that’s the only diagnose I have of which they are 100% sure.

I do feel the PTSD is so complex, sometimes it’s like I have a lot of other disorders.

For instance, depression. I have been depressed from age 9 till 15. Luckily I’m not depressed anymore! But sometimes, I do feel depressed, just like I have a depression, I never want to wake up anymore, I do want to take all those pills I have in my house and just go sleep forever, I feel like I’m done and don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just DONE. Leave me alone, go away, I hate you, stay away, let me die. (& when those people leave I’m like; WTH you left me, you abandoned me)

Then I can get this major mood swing, and I can be (yep.. its ridiculous) the happiest girl on the world. Everything is beautiful, my life is beautiful (sure, it’s not perfect, but I’m happy with what I have right now), I feel like dancing and singing all around. Hugging everyone I can see. Believe the beauty is in everyone, that everyone can love and everyone only wants good things for others.

Moodswing time; im angry. I’m so pissed off. I seriously could just go destroy something. Just either cut myself, or just slap/kick someone in the face. Just beat them down. (I haven’t, don’t worry 😉 ). I can be very aggressive verbally, and it’s something I despise from myself. It’s unbelievable, what can come out of my mouth, seriously. I’m always shocked when my anger goes away of what I have said/thought. When I was younger, the nurses at the psychiatric ward were shocked of the things that came out of my mouth, and I said them with no emotion. Just calm. They say I’m manipulative. Which I guess I am. Another thing I despise.

Well, then my self-image. Somethings, I do think; well I look okay. I can see that someone might think I’m beautiful. But sometimes, I just really think I should be slaughtered for my ugliness, and I just can’t go outside, because I will just scar other people with my ugliness.

Sometimes my future is so bright, yep I’m in therapy right now, but I know I’ll make it. I really know I will.
Other times, nothing will ever get better. I just should kill myself right now.

I hate and love my mum. She is the best and the worst person.

I push people away, and blame them for leaving. When they won’t leave, I’ll walk away and blame them for not coming after me.

I’m incredibly impulsive, my money goes out the window in no time. I sell my body without even thinking about it. I can get into very intense relationships (friendships included) and just end them with no emotion and walk away.

I have this thing, when I’m in the car, I HAVE to click my fingers. It just calms me down. Nothing will happen when I don’t, but I’ll get restless.

whenever Brenda comes out, I act like a child. A stupid, clingy, silly child.

I do see things that aren’t there. I have for about 10 years now. I used to be very scared by it, not anymore. It’s just flashes of lights or just shadows. It’s mostly when I’m very stressed. It frightens me because I suddenly see something that wasn’t there before, but when I concentrate on it, its gone. So then I calm down.

Sometimes people think I have autism, because I do like things structured. I get triggered easily, so I want the things done in a way of what I know, the chance of being triggered are slim.

I do have periods where I hardly eat anything. Sometimes I just drink (Fanta/coca cola) and eat nothing. I never manage to do that longer than 1,5 day though. But I can get excited and proud of the weight I have lost. Sometimes I eat everything that is eatable. I don’t even care if its 2 am, and I’m eating pizza. After that I’ll just eat some chips and candy. Till I feel like I need to throw up (Which I’m terrified of, so I get scared)

I do have periods of intense supicious-ness, and just really thinking people are following me. I am very ashamed of this, but about 2,5 months ago, I wanted to kill my cats, because I thought satan was in them and was trying to destroy me. I have periods where I see people who aren’t there.
I do have to say, these things always happen when I’m very stressed out.

And as if it couldn’t get any better, i want to contact my dad. Why? I don’t know? What do I want from him? I don’t know? Do I want him to yell at me, curse at me? Yeah maybe. Whenever I see his face in my mind I get disgusted. Somehow I do not match that face with the word ‘dad’.
Now I’m all grossed out by myself. Motherfucking flashbacks. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Really, wth?!?!?!??!?! Someone drug me, before I do something stupid. -_-

Right now I have an IUD and probably will need to take the pill with it, yeah, why not. Lets just put all these hormones in me, that will help with the mood swings!

I feel weird, messed up, I feel like a freak.
Some say it’s suicide. I say it’s a war & I’m losing the battle

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel alone. I feel dirty. I feel pathetic. I am confused.
Brenda wants to scream. Why would she? No one will hear.. no one will help.

Respect if you made it through that negativity.
Now I’m done. Jesus Christ. Stop being so negative Brianna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just having a hard day, I’m having trouble seeing the light. I’m having trouble keeping my head above the water.
I know it’ll go over. It’s heavy right now, but it might be better tomorrow. And if not, then the day after that. I have to stop being so childish and demanding and victim-y. Be the adult that I am. Speak up. Stand up. Find the strength. Look at all the other amazing people on WordPress, fighting everyday. I can’t give up. I wont give up. Not on me. Not on us.

Going to go to bed, maybe pick out a movie first. I’ll just put on Annie.
Take my security blanket with me.

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try.

xoxo
Brianna

Take a look through my eyes

Hi,

I just had (another..) trigger. I get the feeling people (around me at least) don’t understand what is triggering and how it feels to be triggered.

So to me this is triggering, I don’t know about any of you, but I do want to say this before I go into it.

I’m going to try to explain this from my point of view for people who have no clue about whats going on in my mind/body. The actual facts, I’ll write like this. The feelings and thoughts like this. Ready? 😉

A little background information;
My mum has a boyfriend, they live together. I used to live with them as well. He reminds me of my father, in almost every way. They don’t look-alike, I always say he’s the Dutch version of my father. So their behaviour and appearance looks alike to me. Which is very triggering for me. But I’ll get into that later.
On sunday’s I always try to eat at my moms, or at least go visit my moms. Since I have hardly any friends, the weekend is always very isolated for me.

My mum texted me if I wanted to go get some fries (she was going to make me lasagna (Which is my favourite)). The fries she was talking about are delicious, so I kinda jumped up from the couch, totally excited. But then I asked; ‘why?’ My mum said; ‘Richard (her boyfriend) wants to get some and asked me if you wanted to come along’ Instantly the excitement cooled off. I do want to like my ‘stepfather’ but he just triggers me soooo many times. I have really had terrible crisis in the past because of something that happened between him and me, once leading up to me locked away in a psych ward against my will. (To be clear, he does not abuse me! He hits me with his words. He’s really rough, and makes hard comments, I’m really a pussy so that does not match)
But the fear of ‘what if…’ rose in me. I have been having a good day so far.. soooo what if he triggers me. I don’t even know what might happen, I might snap out at him, or just at myself. The feeling of me snapping out. The feeling of being overwhelmed by so much emotion and feelings, I don’t even have a word for them. They just wash all over me, and i can not swim. I drown. I literally lose all control. I’m in total panic and there is no one who can help me. So I might as well take my blade with me, just in case. / Then I thought; well this is ridiculous, I’m not gonna take a blade just to feel save to get some fries! Me; ‘No mum, I don’t think its a good idea. I have had a really bad day yesterday, really slipping back. Right now I’m stable but still feeling shaky. I’m afraid I might get triggered’ My mum; ‘I’ll go with you. We’ll drive there (in his car) and eat something and come back.’ Brenda; NOOOOOOOO. Me; oh no… this isn’t good. In that car. Small space. With him. No where to hide. I feel so small. I can’t do anything. I wont be in control. He’ll have the control over me. I wont be able to do anything. I know I’ll feel frozen. I’ll be stuck. Help. Mum, please no. Me; ‘Well, I was really hoping to eat lasagna.’ Mummy  I don’t want to. Please… don’t ask anymore. Mum; ‘I’ll cook that later for you, then you can take it home’ Brenda is crying, i can feel her despair, trapped like an animal in a small cage. Me; ‘no…’ Breathe.. Its ok. I’m still at home. Its 2013. i’m save right now Mum; Well then we’ll pick you up on our way home. (So that I can go eat the lasagna at my moms) No, please no. I don’t want to get in a car with him. Too small. no space. He is in control. I can not breathe. Every inch of my body was feeling fear. I did look around and see my own home, but I also saw me sitting in the car. My mum in front of me. Him behind the wheel. Me feeling helpless, not being able to influence anything (like going home directly, or just having someone to calm me down) (I have been in these situations before. He triggered me, my mum knew, but did nothing. I sat in the back of the car, crying. Going insane because of the terrible feelings which I can not even describe, I guess its fear. Just having to surrender to him and where he wanted to go, and not being able to get out.) Me; ‘ :'(‘ (cry emotion). My mum; ‘Do you want me to pick you up alone?’ Yes.. no.. I don’t want to go to your place anymore. Help me. Someone help me. Please. (I was crying and so scared. And of what? There wasnt anything going on at that moment. Just me discussing with my mum about what to do) 

Well.. she’s going to pick me up within half an hour. I’m scared. I did calm down.. a bit I guess. Brenda is sad and scared, wants to grab a stuffed animal. She knows I have a lot of them in my bedroom. But I’m not allowed to use those.. because I had them when I was a child and might trigger me. I can’t Brenda, I’m sorry.. I’ll get us through this. She doesn’t believe me though.. and why should she? I’ve never really proven myself. Yeah, I do get out of stuff alive (while it feels like I’m dying (just to make it clear, I am not dying, but the emotions are so big and the memories and everything is uncontrollable. It’s so much, I just can handle it, neither can Brenda). But I never have control over the situation. I’m not in charge. I’m the small child. The little girl you can push around. I wont say a word. She knows that. I’ll just let it come over me, move me, hurt me (just with words and actions (the actions don’t include me though)) and try to fix myself when I get home.

I know it seems a bit vague, I do make a lot of long blogs so I don’t want to go into detail about the ‘action’ but I don’t want to give the wrong impression either. I know it’s not a big deal. It’s just another trigger to me. Richard likes to take of his pants and sit in his boxers. That triggers the shit out of me. (My mum has talked to him about this 2 months ago, and he hasn’t done it since, when I’m around) but its actions like that I can’t compete with. Once, I grabbed all my strength and courage, when he asked ‘Does someone have a problem with me taking of my pants?’ It was SO hard, but I said ‘yeah.. I kinda do’ he said; ‘Well its so hot, I’m just gonna do it anyway’. There it was again. I was powerless. Nothing I could do, or say that would change the situation. (Yeah walk away, but I’m petrified by then. Not able to move. Just tears streaming down my face (which of course my mum ignores, though she’s sitting next to me). By the way, he almost never asks that! Normally he’s more like ‘I’m going to take off my pants, if someone has a problem with it (its only my mum and me, so obviously he’s talking to me) they can just look the other way’.

So, this is a trigger.
I feel weird posting this. Because it’s very personal, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. Why would I get so frightened of just sitting in a car with him? He didn’t do a thing.
Why don’t I just stop going there?

Honestly? I would love to.
But my mum…. she wants me there. My sister doesn’t come there anymore because Richard drove her away with his terrible comments, which hurt her so much, and my mum did nothing. I don’t blame her, its good that she stays far away. Its saver for her. My mum still isn’t willing to stick up for my sister, so I guess she’s gotta protect herself by not coming near him anymore.

It’s all very complicated peeps. It seems so simple ‘step up for yourself’. I feel so weak though, like I’m still that small child. That 4-year-old, just letting it all wash over her, Wait till it’s over. Then crawl back into my bed/room/another ‘save’ place, and try to pick up the pieces that shattered this time.

Well, I better get dressed. I’m still in my pyjama’s.. and wait till my mum gets here.
On the positive side, I get to see her cat again. He’s very cute, still a kitten, though he’s growing very fast.
I’ll probably go home right after dinner. Make myself comfortable on the couch with a blanket, and go to bed early.

Though I know it seems negative. And maybe it is. I do believe this isn’t all that life has for me (and maybe you). I have to struggle through this. I have to believe I’m not that small child anymore. I have to grow up. I can and I will.

Cause now I’m stronger than yesterday

xoxo
Brianna