NEE ik doe GEEN aangifte.

This post will be in Dutch for now, I may post this in English later on.

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Een van de dingen waar ik met de tijd ben achter gekomen is dat ik iemand ben die zegt wat die vind. Geen blad voor de mond. En dat is ook wat ik hiermee ga doen.

Ik ben fel tegen aangifte doen over een zedendelict in Nederland.

De organisatie er om heen is wat ik zo walgelijk er aan vind. En dit zei ik al half binnensmonds een paar jaar geleden, wachtend op nieuws van het OM, maar na slepende jaren kan ik, en durf ik het vol uit te zeggen; Nederland stinkt als het gaat om zorgen om zedendelict slachtoffers.

Er zal ook geen aangifte meer komen van mijn kant, niet met dit systeem. Of het ligt aan de bezuinigingen, waardoor er allerlei rechtbanken zijn gefuseerd, of gewoon pure bureaucratie maakt me ook geen reet uit. Het komt erop neer dat het schadelijk is (in mijn ogen) voor degene die aangifte doet uiteindelijk. Dat lijkt me alles behalve de bedoeling.

“Je wilt toch niet dat diegene vrij rond blijft lopen?” Oh, nee tuurlijk wil ik dat niet. Maar een aangifte stopt dat niet. De lage maximum straffen (die vaak niet eens gehaald worden) van onze lieftallige wetgever zorgen wel dat diegene uit zichzelf vrij rond loopt.
“Je wilt toch niet dat diegene het bij anderen kan doen?” Nee, natuurlijk niet. Wat een ongelofelijk domme opmerking! Sinds wanneer ben ik verantwoordelijk voor andersmans daden? En dan weer een mooie verwijzing terug naar de lage straffen, diegene krijgt genoeg kans om het nog een keer te doen.

Ik zal een kleine schets geven van hoe het bij mij verliep.

Aangifte bij de zedenpolitie (wat natuurlijk hartstikke zwaar is, de mensen zelf waren aardig gelukkig), ze geven aan dat je na 3 maanden wat zult horen. Na 9 maanden nog niks gehoord > mijn zaak heeft geen prioriteit. (au… okay…)
Een jaar later worden er paar verdachten gehoord. En wordt het afgerond bij de zedenpolitie en gaat de hele meuk naar het OM. 

Daar besluiten ze er lekker op te zitten broeden voor ongeveer 3 jaar. Ondertussen sturen ze me wel nonchalant een brief, met paar vragen. (Laat me je vertellen, elke brief die ik krijg “we gaan ABC verhoren”/ “we hebben zojuist KLM verhoord”/”je zaak wordt door gestuurd naar het OM”/”wil je op de hoogte gehouden worden door het OM?”< al deze brieven, rakelen alles weer op) Netjes beantwoord en weer terug gestuurd. 

Vervolgens hoor je weer niks van ze. En als je denkt zelf te bellen heb je het mooi mis, je wordt van het kastje naar de muur gestuurd. 

Anderhalf jaar later (na die ENE brief) krijg ik precies dezelfde brief, waar ook nog letterlijk in staat dat ik (anderhalf jaar terug) nooit gereageerd heb (het moest binnen 14 dagen). OM logica! Nou goed, opnieuw ingevuld, en nu wat dingen aangepast. Ondertussen was ik wel klaar met die aangifte die ik 500 jaar voor Christus had gedaan. Ik was inmiddels ook 4 a 5 jaar ouder (bijna een kwart van m’n leven)

En ondertussen, wordt er natuurlijk alles van je verwacht he. Dat je je leven op pakt (je wordt toch geen uitkering trekker? enz.) op alle vlakken. Nou, maatschappij wilt, ik doe. 

En dan besluit het OM dat ze (blijkbaar) klaar zijn met broeden. Ik krijg een brief in de bus dat over 14 dagen de rechtzaak plaats zal vinden. PS. ik zou maar een advocaat nemen als ik jou was. (Nouja, zo stond het er niet, maar zo had het er kunnen staan)

Ehm.. ik had net m’n leven op gepakt.. dingen begonnen.. en nu jullie zelf bepalen dat het tijd is (ik had namelijk tijd hiervoor toen ik aangifte deed, niet 5 jaar later) moet ik maar weer gehoorzamen. 
Needless to say, m’n hele wereldje stortte weer in. Doei studie, doei stabiliteit. 

Ik vind dit ronduit walgelijk. Oh en daarbij komt ook nog eens hun geweldige bezuiniging op de zorg, die het moeilijk maakt om ondersteuning te krijgen hierbij. Wat dat betreft zou ik al helemaal zeggen, zet je 100% in op zorg + herstel. Laat de rest maar zitten.

Ik kan eerlijk zeggen, deze hele zaak heeft meer kapot gemaakt dan goed.

Ben je opzoek naar erkenning? De juiste hulpverlening, en mensen om je heen zullen je die geven. Bovendien zal de advocaat van de dader je de grond in trappen tot je bij de kern van de aarde bent en daar wegschroeit (blijkbaar heeft die advocaat zelf geen geweten.. of doet ‘ie dat soort dingen ook in z’n vrije tijd.)

zo, dat is eruit 🙂

The medicated world

Hi,

Sticking to my medication recipe; 24/7 zombie by oxazepam + normal medication (topomax and prozac)

There is this huge part of me who fights against taking the extra’s. Because I don’t want to rely on that kind of medication. But it’s 11 pm right now and I haven’t cried for at least 3 hours right now, and that is really a record! Sure, I have felt depressed and have been sitting on my couch staring. Made rude comments to people saying ‘life sucks’ and ‘who cares’. BUT I haven’t cried.

So maybe there’s a plus size to this whole zombie oxazepam thing.

Today I phoned again with the therapist (it’s the second time I did that) and it’s already getting too much for her. She actually told me to go talk to Betty. While she knows I can not talk to Betty. I have major issue’s with Betty, Betty knows and even put that in my file. Felt a bit irritated by that, but ok. We’ll see tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll have to work again. I AM gonna take my medication, but I will take it around 2 pm, then when I go to work, it wont be to strong anymore and hopefully people will get their drinks properly.. and their change of course.

Saturday I’ll be going on a birthday party (with sleep over) which should be fun. It’s from one of the girls from therapy.
Sunday there’s something fun to do at work, in the afternoon, so I’ll go there as well.
It seems like my weekend has got some distraction at least 🙂

Current state; head above water, finally!

xoxo
Brianna

Rational and sober?

Hi,

Sober isn’t the right word though but I’m starting to think that rational and sober aren’t really working for me right now.
I had a terrible and ok day at the same time.

I’m glad I met up with my friend first, whom I asked because I was feeling bad, we had a nice time sat outside on a bench (sun was shining etc) and talked a bit. He asked me what was wrong. I wasn’t really able to talk about it, I told him a little bit and started crying immediately so I decided just not to talk about it.
After that I met up with another friend to go to a festival, it was fun. But I really felt clouds above my head. I think the fact that I had some (human)distraction was the only thing that stopped the rain from coming out of the clouds.

But as we walked home from the festival the clouds started smothering me. Though my friend was still with me, she saw I was about to burst in to tears.

I want so much to stay rational and not to let this feeling win. But it’s like I’m fighting on my own, maybe with 1 friend at my side, against 3 million soldiers.

I remember telling the friend I went to the festival with that the pain inside felt unbearable. It’s just too much. And as I got home and the tears came out, it really was awful. I know it sounds weird or dramatic.. but it’s at that point where I grab the couch with one hand just to keep a hold to something because the pain inside is so strong, so much, so overwhelming. It’s killing. and I don’t feel like I can take it on my own.
How can someone stay rational during that?!

Anyway, I emailed my therapist and decided (against my principles) to take an oxazepam. I just could not handle the evening and night any other way.
Tomorrow I will call the therapist I emailed.

When I’m looking back at all this stuff. The unstable-ness (I think) really started april 2nd. The morning I was last brought with the taxi to therapy. It was a terrible ride and I start crying right now, when I think about it. I immediately stopped taking the taxi. I remember getting out of the cab and I broke. I called my health insurance (they pay for the taxi) and I just cried on the phone telling them what happened and that I really didn’t want to be driven by that chauffeur anymore. They actually were very nice to me and usually the costumer has to make an official complaint. But I just couldn’t stop crying. They phoned me back an hour later, I was still crying, shaking, hyperventilating and that’s when they decided they would file the complaint for me.
The afternoon Abraham picked me up and I actually never used the taxi anymore.

I’m just wondering.. did that set me off? Was the trigger that big?

So.. right now. Drunk on medication is the only way for me to live. But I don’t want to go through life like a zombie. So why not shoot me right now?

 

xoxo
Brianna

It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

 
What happened to me?

Acceptance and CPTSD

Hi,

I have been really quiet lately, on here, on twitter on internet overall actually.

Looking back on the period I think I have been very busy with dealing and accepting and fitting the CPTSD into my daily life and making everything as normal as possible. Now I realize that sounds negative, but it really isn’t. Because I’ve been ok with it. Still am. There are moments I still long for the company, but there are moments I just go out and squeeze myself into the crowd and try to be ok with what I can get from that, and strangely enough, it makes me happy.

I seem to have the best medication combination for myself right now (it took me 7 years to get to this combination so I think it’s ok to have found it by now 😉 ) and step by step… maybe… I’m just moving forward.

Is it easy? No, it’s not. For instance, yesterday I got triggered real bad at therapy and there was absolutely no space for my problems. Brenda was very upset.
I had to deal with it on my own even though there were therapists around me. It made me a little angry. Why should I do this all alone? You are here around me!
But in the end, I’m glad I calmed her down by myself.

I’m still scared, and I still get upset. I still cry like a baby sometimes, and grab on to my security blanket like there’s no tomorrow, but somehow I seem to survive that every time.
Maybe it’s just what it is, right now. So, instead of trying to reprocess all the trauma, I’m trying to accept the trauma, and still be happy with my life. Still be smiling.

Although right now, I’m having a sad moment.. (I know it’s probably PMS) I feel I have more distance at the whole situation, instead of drowning in the sadness I feel.

Now I’m gonna take Brenda and myself to bed, because staying up while I’m this sad, is never going to do any good. I could use the sleep anyway 🙂

xoxo
Brianna

Coping

Hi,

After my big (dark)-blue cloud, and writing the blog post on here, which really helped. I realize just writing here, and being honest and open and getting the support from fellow bloggers is so helpful, which I think kind of lifted me up. Maybe I just wanted to be heard. To be seen, within my loneliness.
Even if it’s from a distance.

Since I’ve been sitting at home, inside all day, with this stupid cold. I wanted to go out, but not alone. I wanted to ask Abraham (yup, we can use the name again. I think being heard and seen made me a lot calmer and I think I knew what I needed, so I wanted to ask Abraham) to go for a walk outside. I knew, the chances of him saying yes were 0,001%, but I just wanted to ask him. He said he wasn’t in town.
And then this weird thing happened. I was like; well okay!
I texted him back; ok!
And I didn’t even really mind the fact that he said no. But I really enjoyed the clarity of the no. I don’t need to sit all evening doubting myself if I should ask him. Or maybe even cry because I feel so alone. I actually felt quite good. Maybe some other time.

I cleaned the house a bit, did the laundry (I was real behind on that), I even cooked myself some dinner (may I add that I haven’t cooked in the last 9 months) and right now I’m pretty tired so I’m going to go to bed.
Tomorrow Polly will come (hopefully), and I’ll be going to the pet store, because it was baby girl and baby boy’s birthday today! They turned 6 😀
I’m such a proud mum 😀 I’m gonna buy them 2 toys and a little treat.

Here a picture of them I took today 🙂

 

xoxo
Brianna

Immunity problems

Hi,

 

I remember crazyinthecoconut.co.uk writing about immunity and trauma and how it might get affected and it got me thinking.

At this exact moment I’m experiencing flu symptoms, AGAIN. I’ve got a terrible headache, my throat is raw, a running nose, and my muscles hurt all over my body.
Well, a little trip down memory lane people! Body reminders, like flu, are triggers. So I am riding the trigger-rollercoaster right now. And just to make it all a little bit more fun, I have to work in 3 hours!

Of course canceling could be an option, I mean, call in sick. But you know, pussy as I am, I’m just too afraid to do that. What if they won’t believe me? I’m still in my ‘trial period’, even though it’s volunteers work, I really like it there! I don’t want to get send away. So I’ll just have to suck it up, and go do what I have to do.

Realizing that, Brenda starts (well, not starts, she was already whining) freaking out.

I tried stuffing some dinner into myself, which didn’t work. It turned out into me crying all over my dinner and calling my mom (who didn’t answer her phone), right now I’m not crying as loud as I was before, just tears streaming down my face silently.

Honestly? I feel helpless.

Please, NOT AGAIN.

It hasn’t even been a month since I have been sick. This will be the second time in 1 month!

xoxo
Brianna

Overload of tears

I can’t remember the last time I cried this much.
It can’t be that long ago, but I’ve been doing pretty ok, keeping myself pretty stable. Crying doesn’t mean I’m unstable, but it’s really a waterfall.

It started around 11.30 am at therapy. Got my ass whipped for speaking up. (basically > just speaking my point of view) Afterwards got all compliments from the girls for speaking up.
Anyway it didn’t help, tears came out. Unfair. No openness. Why would you kick my ass.

I don’t understand.

Right now, I’m still crying. Almost 10.30 pm.
I have periods of hyperventilating, although I do feel that’s more ‘Brenda crying’ because it’s very limitless. I completely drown in all sorrow and my own tears.

I can’t even grab Brenda’s hand and help her. I’m drowning myself. I’ve got my/our security blanket in my hand, all the time, and it brings comfort, a lot, but it doesn’t stop the tears from coming.

I feel completely broken. The road ahead feels shattered.
I feel like I’m standing alone, Brenda is shaking on her legs, trying to hold her own weight, standing behind me/hiding. And I don’t know what to do.

I really wish I had Abraham by my side right now. Not just because he gives the best advice ever. But because I’d like a hug. Brenda wants him around too.

I don’t think, well I’m pretty sure, I wont be going to therapy on Monday. I need the rest. I’ll go on Wednesday again, because 1. Brandon will be there (he’s the only half-save person there.) and 2. the ass-whipper is there as well. < Balance, right?

Right now you can really carry me away. My eyes are swollen. My head is about to burst. I am so upset, even the nap I had this afternoon (before the nap I cried, and after I woke, I started crying again!) didn’t regulate my feelings/state of mind.

What are my options?

Balance

Hi,

I’m struggling a lot with finding the balance back in my daily life.
Yesterday I had therapy and a talk with Betty, it was.. weird. Anyhow, I’m exhausted.
I know I can regulate my stuff with sleep a lot.
For instance I am very confused (with time especially, days aren’t logical anymore, I forget a lot, I’m getting more dissociative).  Yesterday after therapy I slept about 4 hours.

This morning I was awake at 9 am. I slept again from about noon till 4 pm and probably will sleep again early. It’s the only way I know I can try to get some balance back.
And to be honest, sleep is also the only way to keep Brenda calm. It’s not that she’s very upset right now, but if she is, I just need to go to bed, stuff security blanket against my mouth and I’ll get calm and fall asleep eventually.

I guess I’m a bit (understatement) bothered that I need this much time to find the balance back. And to be honest… I wish I could get a hug. That someone was there to hug me. To maybe even sleep next to me. That I could fall asleep in someone’s arms. Next to someone’s warmth.

Right now I’m regulating my tiredness on my own. Finding the balance on my own. Which of course is a good thing, but being the dependent one I am, I long for someone to be with me.

xoxo
Brianna

Incomprehension

“I can hear you in a whisper, but you can’t even hear me screaming”
^You know that a ptsd symptom is being alert. That being alert can cause hearing whispers, and noticing the slightest sign from someone, a small change (for instance in someone’s mood).

There is one thing that hurts me terribly deep and actually pierces right through my soul.
It’s the fact that I, or for that matter Brenda, can scream my ass off in pure fear or agony and people still might not understand that I am afraid or in pain.

Misunderstandings – it’s like I’m communicating through a whole other language as opposed to all the other people who live on this planet.
Even you, the person who might be reading this, might not understand me. Yes, this is English and yes that is a common language spoken on planet Earth, but no you do not understand.

Right now I feel I can write a million words on my experience with cptsd and you still will not understand.
The rational/healthy part of me knows that’s not true, for example Abraham, understood. In some twisted way, or stupid wishful thinking, I thought that would be the door open to everyone understanding, or maybe the key to me finally learning the normal way of communicating. Turns out, Abraham was just a person who how to speak several languages, even the ones from a different planet. And realizing that, is a slap in the face.

I want to be understood, I want to be heard. Just as any other person would. Because in the end, we are all human. We all need to be loved. We all need attention > we all need to be heard.
Call me self-centered for focusing on me, but I need to be heard, and I don’t feel heard.
Sure, people listen to me, but they don’t understand me. They nod while I’m talking, they even lie to me and say ‘yeah of course, I understand’ and afterwards it must be done.

When someone said to me ‘I’ll be there for you’ he kind of meant ‘I’ll buy you a lollipop and everything will be better’
But when that person said ‘I’ll be there for you’ all I heard was ‘I want to make the emotional connection with you, support you emotionally, listen to you, make a bond’
To be honest, fuck the lollipop, it won’t make shit better. LISTEN to me. Hug me, BE THERE FOR ME.

In the end, the ironic thing is, I’m probably the only one bothered by this. (I’m not counting the other people with (for instance) ptsd issue’s, but only myself and my environment)
Because the average 21-year-old, would maybe love a lollipop, and maybe it would be better after that.
I’m an outcast for needing the emotional connection. Really feeling the bond of that person with me.

And all the above, the realization of all this, is painful, makes me ache, makes me cry, makes Brenda upset, makes me long for Brandon, makes me long for some form of stability.

Therapy today didn’t go all too well. Think a lot of things might have had an influence, but I think one of them might be that Brandon doesn’t work on Monday and there wasn’t really any other  save person available.

xoxo
Brianna

Edit;
Rational part wants to add something 😉
I realize something has set me off today to be thinking like this. Because frankly I have had a good past few days.
I feel I need to say a few things. This, what I wrote above, is very straight to the point, blunt and full of emotion. Pain, loneliness… and this is what it looks like, how it feels like, what I’m thinking when I’m going through it.
I do think something has triggered me today to be thinking like this, and of course the friend in person, to whom I’m talking to in this blog post (figuratively) is the main situation. So as my tired head is trying to say is that there was this situation of non understanding (trigger) > feelings of pain loneliness > thoughts as you can see above
And I think, the trigger, was a trigger, because not being heard or FEELING like I’m not being heard, is something that really sets me off.