I feel hung over… and not because I had some alcohol last night. But because I was feeling so good yesterday and high, like I could handle everything.
Right now I’m feeling kinda down. I don’t really know why. I want to sleep all day. Just lie in my bed and put the blankets over my head and sleep it away.

I feel a bit triggered, and I don’t even know what triggered me? I do have these sort of flashbacks, not very clear but they’re here. Things go through my mind, feelings through my body, it’s like I’m not save. Rationally I know I am save, I am at home, Polly was just here and we had a good talk. But I just want to sleep, get away from this world.

I did sleep ok, I fell a sleep very late though, but slept till 11.00, thought about Justy, fell a sleep a little bit more and woke up around 11.45, and Polly was already at the front door. (Woeps)

I don’t know why I am feeling low. I am going to try to find some distraction, there are movies I still want to watch and I’ve been saving them.

It feels like there are hands on my body, touching me, I don’t want them and when I look down at my body I don’t see anything. I just feel it, but I feel it in my head.. it’s weird to explain I guess.

I don’t know what’s the best thing to do right now. I guess I’m going back to bed. I feel a little bit more save there right now (weird huh?, at night I can feel very unsafe there)


Quote; Childhood trauma by Judith Lewis Herman

“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom.

But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships.

She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”
― Judith Lewis HermanTrauma and Recovery



No.. just no!



You know that moment when you wake up and you’re just like ‘no… just NO’. It was ridiculous!
Yesterday I had a very good day! Therapy was amazing, had so much fun with the girls, got to know them a lot better and had a good talk with Brandon. Talked about possible volunteer work, and I actually found multiple things I like!!!!
Went to bed happy.

But then I woke up today and felt like crying. I don’t know why? The only thing I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep the day away. I called Polly and asked her if it was ok to cancel our appointment today. Told her what was going on, and I was really NOT in the mood to talk. Just leave me alone, crying in my bed. Well, she said it was ok, and if I wanted to reschedule for saturday I could call her. Then I went back to bed and woke up at 2 pm. Felt a little better. Woke up all sweaty though. Baby girl was very stanch. Practically sitting on my face.

Got out  of bed at 3 pm and ate something. Listened to some music and now I’m on WordPress writing this. ( 5 pm)
I don’t even know what’s going on? I just felt SO terrible this morning without any reason. Such a good day yesterday, and then today.. BOOM. Crying, depressed, lonely.

Tomorrow will be a better day I guess.

There is not much on my mind, have been looking for some stuff on childhood trauma (actually looking for a book, which explains the treatment possibilities and stuff). But it’s really hard, well in Dutch it is.. I have one book called ‘Complex Trauma’ (Dutch book) and it was very helpful even though it’s meant for professionals, I understood it and it gave me more insights.
Maybe it’s not a good thing for me reading this, but I know me the best.. and I know my experiences, in therapy they don’t seem to want me to talk about them, so how can you ‘cure’ something of which you don’t know what the problem was.
I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘abuse’ > ‘A or B treatment’. I think it does depend on what kind of abuse and um especially how it made me feel and made me think. They don’t know that, so when I can find some tips on treatment or whatever, I would just really like to know. Dutch has my preference, but (easy! 😛 ) English isn’t bad as well. So if anyone has some tips, please let me know!

Talk to Betty about this? Hell no. Monday I have this dissociation tests or something with her. So the next time I might be able to talk to her about it would be 11 november. Well uhm, if you want me to move forward like snail, yeah, I could wait. And when I talk to her on the 11th, she’ll probably tell me to stop focussing on the past.

Last time I spoke to her she didn’t realize that I’ve been self-harming for that long and how it made everything more clear about how difficult it is for me to stop. Well DUH, if you won’t let me talk about it, you can’t know.
Lol, getting really angry now. Not worth it.
So yeah, looking for books and of course I’d like to minimize the trigger-content, so not really something about someone’s experience and the details about the trauma. But more about the effects of it when you’re an adult and the (possible) treatments.


Tired much?

Hi peeps,

So I am very tired. I had therapy from 9 am till 4 pm. So I left the house at 8 am and came home at 5 pm. Its save to say that I was and am exhausted, I did sleep a little till 7 pm. Now I’m back on my rule that I can go to bed at 9.30 pm 🙂

It was an intense day at therapy. A lot of emotions. Brenda was having a hard time as well.

I had a talk with Brandon. As I recall, he thinks I’m doing very well. He’s glad I’m way more open than before and he’s able to talk to me on an adult level.
I did tell him at the beginning of our conversation I felt like crying and throwing the table around, and just fall on the floor and sit there till someone picks me up. He said ‘well, then why wont you cry?’ Well.. it didn’t feel ok. I know I am allowed to cry at home and I feel save enough here.
We actually talked about a lot. After the group therapy I felt tired, and a little weak (as in, not able to do this anymore etc) when I was standing outside (after the talk with Brandon) I did feel a little better.

One thing I do find difficult to explain to others and to deal with myself, is my mood swings.
How do I deal with them? I just go with the flow, when I’m feeling suicidal, (like last Sunday) it’s very difficult to understand that it’ll go over, because to me then there’s nothing left to fight for anymore. Well obviously there is, otherwise I wouldn’t be here anymore huh 😉 But when I’m happy, I do realize, it doesn’t take much for my mood to swing.
I go with the flow, I don’t even try to regulate my emotions, it feels impossible, I just try to remember when it crashed down, it’ll fly up again eventually. This is hard enough to think let alone believe, but I do think its possible.

For the people around me it’s even harder to see my mood swing like that. Last Sunday for instance, I went from suicidal to feeling okay, within 5 minutes. It must have switched back and forth for about 4 times. It’s very confusing for people. I don’t even know what really changed my mood back up. Back down, probably my thoughts and me being negative. I don’t even try to stop it, I can’t right now.
However, I do get the feeling my mood swings are visible in my blog posts, so I kind of feel the need to write about this now. Half of the time, I’m not aware of what happens why my mood changes so drastically. I am annoyed by it, of course, however I don’t think it helps to put all my energy in hating it, while I can also put that energy in trying to swing it back up maybe. Of course, hating the mood swings is an easy road, however I get tired and even more down from it. Trying to use that irritation/energy into something positive, is VERY difficult and not something that I think of instantly. I really do have to be reminded about it right now.

I do realize its confusing for the people around me. A friend of mine, I do Skype with him a lot, for about 2 hours a day, and he can see my mood swing all over the place. He’s confused by it, because he’s like ‘what happened?’ and to be frank… I don’t know. I’m just feeling sad. Then suddenly I start jumping up and down on my couch and making jokes, and then he’s like ‘huh? what happened?’ and to be frank… I still don’t know. I’m just enjoying my happiness as long as its here.
Dont get me wrong, I don’t like my mood swings, but I just try to go with them instead of fighting them. I don’t know if that’s the right way, but for me it is now.
I understand the confusion, I can be 100% positive in the morning and really negative in the afternoon. Which I guess can be seen a little by my blog posts. I do think it can be a common symptom with CPTSD, so I guess I want to show you guys it swings back up as well. I don’t have a control over it. Maybe some recognition for some other people. Or maybe just some explanation.

Things that can make a/my mood swing are for instance; seeing something (the news, a shadow, a leaf, a spider, a colour, a person, a man, a car, a facial expression etc), thinking something (50% of the time unknowingly), smelling something, feeling something. Basically, its everything what my senses pick up, most of the things I do believe I’m not aware of what makes my mood swing, so it’ll seem out of the blue, even for me, but I don’t think it is. It’s just that it can be a very small thing, hardly noticeable, just noticeable enough for me to set me off without me even realizing it.

Well, that’s enough for now.

Gonna go to bed soon and just recharge 😉 !