Where is my life jacket?

I phoned with the therapist I emailed yesterday. I’m predicting I’ll phone her again tomorrow since I’m crying right now.

Today I got the OK from her to just zombie myself with oxazepam to deal with this. Basically and to be honest, there’s nothing to do against this kind of pain. And yep, it’s unbearable. So make it bearable with oxazepam.

I crawled back to bed and texted with Justy meanwhile I still felt like my inside was dying. My face was (and is) totally screwed up from all the crying. Suddenly Justy said; I’m coming over.

What a sweetheart ❤ it was definitely nice having her around. Although I do feel I was not much fun. I actually walked around with sunglasses because of my swollen eyes, but the cool wind outside did help a lot.

Right now she’s gone home and I’m on my couch again feeling like I’m dying bit by bit. It’s just never-ending nonsense! I really feel like calling that friend from yesterday (with whom I sat in the park) and just ask him to just hug me. Or for that matter even ask Brandon to just hold me. But I know I’ll never EVER do that with Brandon.

And to be honest, that friend and me have a whole history and the big question really is, is it smart for me to go ask him for help? Rationally I’d say; no.
But emotionally (instinctively > dying > instinct wants to live > anything to live) I’d say; yes.
Or maybe it’s just pain and it’s automatism to want to stop it directly. To me it’s a hug. Well whatever it is… it’s out of reach.

“You have to try to get those kind of things from yourself”

I can almost hear Brandon telling me that. But how the hell can I get comfort from myself, when all I can feel is this big ball of pain. How is there any comfort in that?

“Stop fighting it”

I’m not fighting it. It just hurts. It’s killing me.

Brandon, where are you?

Can I whine please?


So yeah, it’s whine time at Brianna’s here.

I feel like crap 😦
It’s like the helplessness if all over me and I’m drowning in it. I want to see Brandon and just cling myself to him… not really appropriate right 😉

I feel like walking around in the street, shouting out ‘Help me’, hoping someone will come out of their house and help me.
Help me with what? I don’t know, but just take this horrible feeling away.

Betty once said she doesn’t understand why I don’t take it away myself. If I knew how I could. This is that moment she’s talking about. Me just waiting ‘helplessly’ for someone who is never coming.
I know that, I KNOW I have to do it alone. Brenda is al whiny right now. I just can not think straight with her being like that.

It’s like I’m powerless. Trying to swim against the stream, knowing, in the end, I’ll just fall down the linn. Like I’m screaming and fighting, but for what? And against what?

I literally don’t know what to do with these moments. With these feelings.

A part of me is telling myself ‘It’ll go away eventually, endure..’ and the other part is like ‘shut up b*tch, I don’t care about that, the problem is I’m drowning right now. So go away with your long-term solutions, I want short-term solutions!’

Then it all goes in a big speed.
‘Damn I’m such an annoying girl!’
‘They must really hate me’
‘It’s like nothing will ever work for me’
HAHA, gotta love my memory troubles, I forgot what I thought/came after that xD
It wasn’t pretty, but I just forgot.

So uhm, I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow. Probably won’t be able to get a talk. And if I do… about what? I DONT KNOW WHAT GOING ON.

Might take a look to go see if Sander is online.. but I don’t even feel like talking to him. Don’t wanna talk to anyone. Leave me alone. I’m lonely

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to have mental health problems. I want normal problems, and friends and family.

Gonna go to bed and watch a movie I guess.

It’s moments like these I wish I was in a clinic. Just go walk to the night nurse and talk to him/her. Go whine at him/her. Easy 😉


You make me wanna hit you


So uhm, this is probably gonna be a big complain post.

I had therapy today and a talk with Brandon.

Therapy didn’t go all too well, but ok. The individual talk, was horrible. I get SO depressed sometimes after talking to him. I don’t just feel like he ‘s pointing out my flaws but throwing it into my face and rubbing my nose into it. Like, STOP.
I really wanted to sit on the ground and just make a whole scene out of it. Throw stuff at him. HE DOES NOT GET ME.
I feel really misunderstood and I know it’s a trigger for me, but really… the feeling was awful. I did text my bestie right after and let the whole thing out and it felt good, had a nap and now I’m ok.
But just thinking of the damn talk makes me go crazy again.

I just really DONT think they can help me there. I’m not saying they’re not specialized, but like HELP ME! Brandon wanted to discuss some details with me about something trauma related, and I’m just like ‘are you serious?’ I just went to the doctors for self harm LAST FREAKING WEEK. I am NOT stable, why don’t we work on that!!! Or all the other stuff like the outer layer of the onion, he just cuts right through it. And then I’m stuck with myself the rest of the weekend. While he goes home to his family and has a wonderful time. I ‘m getting so frustrated with him and honestly I feel like just quitting my therapy there. I’m done. Why should I stay 6 more months there just to eat out of my damn nose and crawl on the ground. It’s a waste of my time. Specialized? My ass! I am NOT a rare type of cptsd, why is this so DIFFICULT? I feel like screaming and yelling at everything till someone comes and comforts me.
Like nobody (who needs to) understand me, understands me. Like my bestie does and Justy does, but the therapists don’t. They don’t even know me. They don’t even know my grandma is like the world to me. They don’t know about my big spear of spiders (Which makes me suicidal within 10 seconds/triggers me/I see flashbacks of spiders). They don’t know how I feel and think inside. What goes through my mind every damn day. That I  have been crying myself to sleep the last few nights and woke up with the biggest ugly swollen eyes ever. I have been so sad and crying because I feel so lonely. With their stupid behaviour they keep like teasing me. I really feel like kicking and screaming at them.

I am really not sure if it’s a good idea for me to go there on monday. It’s not helpful when I get the feeling I’m a lost cause, because I know I’m not. I just think I need someone who understand me better and maybe has a little more time. Brandon told me to ask Betty about seeing her every week for the last 6 months now. But she’ll probably think about that for 2 weeks and by then I’ll be buried under the ground. Ok, sorry, I hope not of course, but I just can’t even see myself 2 weeks from now. I’m worried about the rest of this week.
So maybe I’ll just go to therapy for the talk with Betty and not the group.

I feel they’re not being honest with me? IF they think I’m a  lost cause, then tell me! We’ll work on the whole euthanasia. Am I not a lost cause, THEN TELL ME WHAT THE PLAN IS FOR THE NEXT SIX DAMN MONTHS!

Can’t  handle me? That’s ok. BUT TELL ME. Don’t swirl me around till the time is up and then just ship me off to someone else.

I know I wont get Brandon to really like yell and stuff, he’s always calm and today he even smiled when I Was getting so frustrated. Like, WHATS SO FUNNY?
In that exact moment, I do not feel able to control myself. I really feel like screaming my lungs out to him just so he’ll understand how I feel or how this situation makes me feel

I’m getting so frustrated and angry. Of course it’s a big treatment centre and I’m not the only one there, but if you don’t know what to do, then at least say it.
Like when I told him that, he started blabbing about me not wanting to discuss details. There was a damn spider waiting for me at home in the living room, excuse me FOR NOT WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE TONIGHT!

I am unreasonable I KNOW THAT.

Fucking shoot me then. Let’s all be done with it.

I’m sorry if I scare or shock anyone with my honest thoughts. I don’t mean to, but I do want to be open here.

My worst enemy; CPTSD a.k.a myself?

“They told me to kill the monster.. little did they know, the monster lived inside me”


If it’s ok with Katherine Doe, I’d like to quote something she said in a comment on the blog post “Adult acting like a child”.

“if I do not get the treatment I need every day, my condition could be, will be, fatal. CPTSD is a life-threatening condition.
CPTSD is often fatal- I mean suicide, of course. That’s why I like the word “survivor” so much,,. we survive the trauma, and then we must survive each day with CPTSD which is always trying to kill us.”

This is só true. It’s been going through my mind, with the quote I wrote above. (Which isn’t mine either! I found it on the internet once, anonymous)

Just thinking about my life, and not the whole part, just the present. Today and the rest of the week. I can’t even look further than that. I am already worried about this week. How the hell am I gonna survive this week? It’s a constant battle against the ‘monster inside me’/’the monster that has been awakened by the trauma’. It’s exhausting. Just thinking about this week and the worries that come with it. (Looking at last week for example, man I had SUCH bad moments. I thought it’d be fatal. And I got out, I don’t even know how! ‘Just’ enduring I think, but that is damn hard. Everything inside me feels like torture. Too much painful emotions (scared/anger/sad/agony). Which has a normal reaction to want to stop it.. And to be honest, how better than to kill yourself? I do want to say clearly; I really don’t think anyone should kill themselves! But I think it’s very logical that you might have the thoughts. Thinking of this week, and not even the rest of the year! (don’t even get me started on the month December!  😐 )This week, feels so hopeless. The excruciating feelings that come with the trigger/mood swings/flashbacks. ITS TOO MUCH. And then again the part of feeling all alone in this. No one to sit next to me and hold my hand.

Isn’t it extremely logical to think about killing yourself? I am not suicidal, but I have suicidal thoughts. Just not the desire to take action. But I am afraid, that in the moment of crisis, I will take action. Since I can not think clearly and have no one near me to wake me up or remind me.

Well I guess a good thing is to remember I got through the moments. I got through the feelings. I’m still here, I’m breathing, my heart is beating. I’m typing this. I am okay now. I will get through this week. I will. And after that, I’ll get through the next one. I AM strong enough. I survived the trauma, I will survive the aftermath.

What to do? I don’t even know. I’d suggest finding help from a professional, and find yourself some distraction. That’s where my knowledge ends. But I guess my faith remains, faith in me, faith in you, faith in recovery. I don’t care how small the flame is.. as long as it’s burning, I’ll be fighting. (Lol, if someone would tell me that in a crisis I’d probably yell at that person :/ ‘shut up, that’s stupid, this can’t be survived, my life is ruined forever. I must kill myself’ and just thoughts and stuff like that come out. But please hang on.. don’t give up on me.. or on others. Now I am more clear than when I’d be in a crisis (overwhelmed with the horrible feelings), so I guess what I say now, makes more sense than what I’d say then.

I don’t really know where I want to go with this blog post. I guess just explaining how much truth there was in those words Katherine said.

It’s 1 am here, and I am tired. That’s a good sign. Hope I’ll be asleep before 4 (and if I’m lucky maybe even 3) am this time!


Acting like a child


Sorry, sorry, sorry. Again, kinda pity and negative. I’m trying to kick my own ass to turn it around. Might be a little triggering as well! 

Everything in me screams ‘NO! I don’t want to feel, go away. I hate you. Help me. I can’t do it alone. I CANT DO IT ALONE. I NEED YOU. Help me. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel bad. I feel terrible. I want this to go away RIGHT NOW. You need to take this away RIGHT NOW. If not I will scream and cry till you will. You must. You need. You are obligated to. HELP ME. I wont let you go till you help me. I am gonna hold your leg till you help me. I can’t do it alone. Really not. Help me. Carry me. Hold my hand. Never let me go.’

Yeah…. I hate you too Brenda. I see the ridiculousness about this. It’s really stupid. I am an adult. Stop acting like that!! Shut the peep up and go away. Jesus. I am honest, I don’t want to feel as well. But she’s just makes it sooo difficult to stay positive and hold on and endure. Because she makes me whiny and hopeless. She is the weak part of me.

Yep, to be honest. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling.
Yes, I’m so hurt. But by what? I don’t even know? It’s this pain around my chest from the inside, but mentally you know.. with every breath I take I feel it. I feel crushed from the inside. Yeah.. my chest. Feel like crying.

I’m going to stop focussing on my body now, because I can’t handle that for too long. My mind will shut my body out and it can take forever for me to move again.

So I have to continue to go on in my head. Sorry, but this makes me so pissed as well. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this stuff? What is the ‘right’ thing to do? I can’t call the treatment because there is crisisteam/emergency-backup nurse and psychiatrist are available, but for crisis. But yeah, if I continue like this, I might end in a crisis. And you know it makes me SO tired. So tired to be this emotional the whole day. Not just emotional, but also my emotion swings from left to right. And then just have these intense down moments, and feel this pain and I don’t even know why. I only know everything in me naturally fights to get it out. To stop it. I have to let it be. It’s like I have a battle IN SIDE MY HEAD. Me versus Brenda. And she’s so annoying. Whine this. Whine that. SHUT UP. It’s not helping anyone to be so whiny.
but I have to endure….. so I can’t distract unless I’m at my limit. Where is my limit. Jesus, why can I only talk to miss Betty once every 2 weeks.I mean, am I supposed to freaking do the rest alone. Yeah, cause magically I’m supposed to know all this stuff. YEAH IM DEMANDING. If she doesn’t like it, she can slap me in the face. I’d love for her to do that. Come on, slap me. Hit me. Kick me. Pull my hear. Yell at me. Curse at me. Come on… I know you want to. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, I want someone to hit me. Then it makes sense for me to feel like this I guess. But come on, hit me. Kick me. HURT ME.

I CANT COPE. The tension is ALL OVER my freaking body. In my arms, I feel the need to sway my arms and legs all around. Sitting still and calm does NOT feel good.

Driving myself insane like this.

I’m so sorry. And I am so ashamed of myself. That this is me. That I’m actually thinking this. That I’m actually writing this. I am ashamed of being me. I feel like a disappointment. Like a fail.
This is NOT meant as pity! I truly feel this. And to be honest… you must understand why, right? Seeing how I’ve been falling down and standing up the last 2 months? Understand that the constant falling down may be a part of the road, but it doesn’t make me feel better about myself. On the contrary, it makes me hate myself. Feel disgusted by myself. Look down on myself. Why can’t I just act NORMAL?

Don’t even know how to end this post.

I’m sorry.