Sick

Hi,

So I think I’m getting sick.

My throat is very painful, I keep on coughing (which is also painful) and I keep getting very hot and cold. My head feels all warm and foggy.

No this is NOT good 😦
Not only am I such a nag when I’m sick, I am alone. Lol, I’m gonna whine about it for like 1 sentence ok? I hate living alone and having the flu. Like last time (in May) I got all freaked out at night because I had such a high fever, and the whole world was weird, it was só scary.
Ok, so I’m very whiny when I’m sick (like even more than normal 😉 )I cant even eat anything I like. I don’t even like anything!

Besides! I have been sick in May, and normally I get sick like once every 2 years. So whats up with this? It’s not the time to be or get sick. I have a date with my bestie tomorrow.

This is just so annoying, it’s not like a painful arm or leg. No, its INSIDE my body. I hate this. Can’t stand it.

Please… I really hope this all blows over tomorrow, but that’s probably just wishfull-thinking.

I’m getting really freaked out about this, with the vivid memory of May and how extremely horrible and panicky I felt

Feel like screaming. Someone please hold my hand during this! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

xoxo
Brianna

 

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100th Blog Post!

HI!

So this is my 100th blog post 🙂 ! (Though I’m feeling down, I do want to mention this + end the week positive!)

To be honest I am so glad I started blogging and found a way to let my feelings out, and especially finding people who deal with the same.

I met a very special woman her on WordPress, who turned out to be Dutch as well! She’s become very important to me in the short period of time since we know each other.
So I sort of want to ‘dedicate’ this post to her!

For her intelligence, advice, support, strength. She truly is inspirational 🙂

Justeramaajarvi!
Thanks for your support and advice!

You are really a clear line for me here on WordPress 🙂

And of course thank you to everyone who reads my blog, comments and/or like’s my posts!
I am very thankful for that, and if you’re wondering if you are part of the people I’m talking/writing about right now… well.. if you’re reading this, you are 🙂
So thank you VERY much!

xoxo
Brianna

Can I whine please?

Hi,

So yeah, it’s whine time at Brianna’s here.

I feel like crap 😦
It’s like the helplessness if all over me and I’m drowning in it. I want to see Brandon and just cling myself to him… not really appropriate right 😉

I feel like walking around in the street, shouting out ‘Help me’, hoping someone will come out of their house and help me.
Help me with what? I don’t know, but just take this horrible feeling away.

Betty once said she doesn’t understand why I don’t take it away myself. If I knew how I could. This is that moment she’s talking about. Me just waiting ‘helplessly’ for someone who is never coming.
I know that, I KNOW I have to do it alone. Brenda is al whiny right now. I just can not think straight with her being like that.

It’s like I’m powerless. Trying to swim against the stream, knowing, in the end, I’ll just fall down the linn. Like I’m screaming and fighting, but for what? And against what?

I literally don’t know what to do with these moments. With these feelings.

A part of me is telling myself ‘It’ll go away eventually, endure..’ and the other part is like ‘shut up b*tch, I don’t care about that, the problem is I’m drowning right now. So go away with your long-term solutions, I want short-term solutions!’

Then it all goes in a big speed.
‘Damn I’m such an annoying girl!’
‘They must really hate me’
‘It’s like nothing will ever work for me’
HAHA, gotta love my memory troubles, I forgot what I thought/came after that xD
It wasn’t pretty, but I just forgot.

So uhm, I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow. Probably won’t be able to get a talk. And if I do… about what? I DONT KNOW WHAT GOING ON.

Might take a look to go see if Sander is online.. but I don’t even feel like talking to him. Don’t wanna talk to anyone. Leave me alone. I’m lonely

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to have mental health problems. I want normal problems, and friends and family.

Gonna go to bed and watch a movie I guess.

It’s moments like these I wish I was in a clinic. Just go walk to the night nurse and talk to him/her. Go whine at him/her. Easy 😉

xoxo
Brianna

Memories; Am I allowed to die now?

TRIGGER warning! About death/suicide and just depressing stuff

Hi,

This is a big trip down memory lane, well… not big as in far behind, must have been like 5 or 6 months ago? I am really bad at time though.

NOTEBOOK
Who remembers this from the movie ‘The Notebook’?
(If you haven’t seen the movie, you might want to stop reading, because I’ll be spoiling it! It’s really a must see! Very beautifully romantic 🙂 )

So the movie is about these 2 love birds, and in the end of the movie, (the woman is sick) and she dies in bed, while holding her partner’s hand and him lying next to her. If I remember correctly, he dies shortly after her as well. (Of a broken heart? I don’t remember him being sick though) Anyway, they both died in this position (as the photo above)

Uhm.. so for now, let’s delete the romantic part 😉

“Am I allowed to die now?”
Was a big question in my mind about 5 or 6 months ago.
I knew the procedure (to request euthanasia), I had everything planned out.

Of course dying is scary, but I’ve been fighting for an ok live for over 20 years and I was done. I really believed that I had given it enough time and everything. I was just done.
*cough* Abraham… was in the picture then as well. He didn’t like me wanting to request euthanasia. It all went pretty ugly, I did feel a little manipulated in my choice (by therapy, not Abraham) and in the end I didn’t formally request. But I was so sure of them accepting my request, you can’t deny the fight I have delivered. The pain I caused and keep on causing my mother/sister/bestie(/+ Abraham at that time) by living. I have fought, been in therapy for 8 or 9 years, nobody seems to know what to do, or how to help me. How could they say no? How could they deny me a death with dignity, and force me to hang myself, slit my wrists or jump in front of a train (which in the end, all of the things will have a chance of traumatizing the person finding me/hitting me).

But I had it planned out.
I did describe how I felt save with Abraham somewhere in my blog.
Yes I was scared of death, of course, of what might come, but I thought nothing could be worse than my life and the pain I’m causing others. And then I thought.. I’m gonna ask Abraham to be with me, I’d want him close enough so he’ll be able to hold me, and then.. I wont be afraid of anything anymore. I know it’ll be okay (death ofcourse..)
You’re here, there is nothing I fear
I was SO sure of that. I never asked him, because I wanted to wait, to make sure everything was ok and then maybe make sure he was ok with it, to be with me at that moment. But I was planning on asking him. I thought and knew it would be the most peaceful death I could ever wish for.

I stumbled on that picture yesterday, and suddenly this all popped in to my head again. Made me a little sad.

I am not in the right place now to answer the question ‘Are you glad you’re still alive?’
Rationally I’d say; yes of course! Found new hope.
Emotionally I’d say; No, I’m not glad and I regret missing that opportunity.

But since I know (rationally 😉 ) that there were times since that I’ve been flying high since then, and that it’s not clever to make a drastic choice (answer) like that when you’re emotional. I’d say, ignore what I’m saying emotionally, and listen to what I’m saying rationally.

xoxo
Brianna

(This is my 98’s post by the way! It’s all going so quick!)

Song; Alexz Johnson – Skin (+lyrics)

I drift away to a place
Another kind of life
Take away the pain
I create my paradise

Everything I’ve held
Has hit the wall
What used to be yours
Isn’t yours at all

Falling apart, and all that I’m asking
Is it a crime, am I overreacting

Oh, he’s under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I’ve got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

So what you had didn’t fit
Among the pretty things
Never fear, never fear
I now know where you’ve been

Braids have been un-tied
As ribbons fall away
Leave the consequence
But my tears you’ll taste

Falling apart and all that I question
Is this a dream or is this my lesson

Oh, he’s under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I’ve got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

I don’t believe I’ll be alright
I don’t believe I’ll be OK
I don’t believe how you’ve thrown me away
I do believe you didn’t try
I do blame you for every lie
When I look in your eyes, I don’t see mine

Oh, he’s under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I’ve got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

Oh my permission to sin
You might have started my reckoning
I’ve got a reason now to bury him alive
Another little white lie
__

Been listening to it a lot today but I don’t really know why yet

What a day! (Positive)

Hi!

What a day.
I did wake up kinda late, but I had enough sleep and felt really rested. (late as in; 3 pm)

I had a few things to do, first of all I wrote an email to my counselor about going back to school, I do want to find something small to start with.

After that I searched the internet for volunteers work and I found some options!! So I think I’m gonna mail tomorrow about the possibilities.

And then after that, (my mum found me some site’s to get some girlfriends… lame I know.. I’m in my 20’s and my mum needs to help me find friends, anyway) I searched some internet site’s for friendship (girls only) and found some nice things 🙂

I feel really good about today 🙂 Did some very productive things!
Glad that’s still possible!

xoxo
Brianna

What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically :/
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)


Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna

Shame

Hi..

I am a little ashamed for my explosion yesterday, or anyway the post before this one.
Not doing that great actually, today was ok. Ok as in I only cried once today.

Tomorrow I’m going to a meeting. I’m gonna see some people who have self harm issue’s as well.

I don’t even know what to type, I’m just down I guess. I don’t want to talk. At this point I am kinda wishing someone was sitting next to me on the couch, just having fun, watching the Voice of Holland and just laughing, commenting, sharing opinions, shouting because the person we/I/she/he like(s) isn’t going through and stuff like that.

Sometimes saying sorry doesn’t mean things will go back to the way they were, it just means you wish they did.
To be honest, I didn’t see this coming, this amount of pain, I can keep pretending it’s not here and I don’t miss anything at all. But the truth is, the only thing I’m sure of, is that it’s here and I do. I feel like a bitch, a nagging bitch, who made her own bed and should lie in it. But I never meant to make the bed like this, I really didn’t. The silence around me is lancinating, the emptiness I see makes my eyes tear, but knowing it will never be filled by YOU, makes me want to die.

I guess I’ll be okay, but maybe just not today?

xoxo
Brianna

Arghh

Hi,

Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem

THAT STUPID GIRL WAS BLABBING STUFF ABOUT HOW SHE COULDN’T HANDLE HEARING ABOUT MY PAST AND STUFF BECAUSE IT HURT HER SO BAD.

and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME. Unlike you 
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have  FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size zero) WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me  ‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.

 

MY HEART IS BROKEN.

Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);
http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/11/21/childhood-trauma-and-obsessive-love-disorder/

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.

Brianna

Self-hatred

Major trigger warning! a lot of self-hatred in this post, sh & abuse

Hi,

I really despise myself right now.
Why? I can’t do anything good. I’m a freak! I just sit here like a fat whale on my couch, unable to move all this damn fat of this damn disgusting body. I really should be slaughtered as soon as freaking possible.
So what do I do? I call my mum. Why? Because this whale can’t seem to find any fish on dry land.

I wish I could just tear myself apart. Have someone beat me to death. It sounds weird, and completely crazy, but I miss the feeling… I miss having to disconnect myself. I can NOT LIVE LIKE THIS.

I hate myself so damn much. I can’t even look at myself anymore, it’s disgusting. I feel like grabbing a blade and just start slashing into my body.

I feel like begging someone to kill me. I’d do it.. if I knew that person would do it. I don’t want to be me. I hate me. Me is disgusting. Me is gross.

Why am I so much trouble? Why can’t I just get a slap in the face and just act normal. I must be hideous for people not wanting to be around me. Who can blame them? I would not want to be around hideous people as well!

All I ever do is eat, eat, eat. I should get lipo suction, they’d probably get 478 kilo from me. And I’d still be fat. FATTER THAN FAT.
Everything about me is UGLY. My hair, My skin colour, my toe’s, my hands, my arms, my tummy, my chest, my legs, my neck, my throat, my nails. And sure I can try to make it prettier than it is by putting on make-up and jewelery, but the ugliness will win in the end.

I
am
done.

Maybe I just should take my crisis medication and dive into bed. But I don’t deserve that sweet salvation. I should feel this. Feel what I really am. YUCK.