Forcing myself to have some contact

Hi,

As much as I’m smiling to the world outside, I’m not on the inside.

I really feel like hiding. No coming out until I feel better.
Today I woke up pretty early, but left my bed at 4.15 pm, just because I was feeling ok enough to move to the living room. I spend all the hours feeling desperate, not knowing what to do. Not even sure what I was feeling!

How can I describe what was wrong? I don’t know. I definitely felt empty.. hollow, alone. But I didn’t want any contact.

I did want a hug.

Despite all my feelings of ‘leave me alone’, I reached out to my bestie and told her how I was feeling (as best as I could) and talking to her did help a bit.

But right now I still feel terrible. I still feel like crying.  Like screaming. Like ‘PLEASE, SEE ME. HELP ME.’ But instead, I keep smiling at the people who want me to. The other ones I don’t even talk to, because I can’t smile.. I can’t fake. And they don’t bother starting the conversation. (It’s ok, there’s not much happy coming out of me anyway)

I want to apologize a hundred times to everyone, for not reaching out, for not helping, for not commenting or even liking, or even reading your blogs.

Polly cancelled our appointment today because she was having a crisis with another client. Understandable, but terrible timing.

I’m not okay. I am hurt by something, but I don’t know what. Therapy on Wednesday? Maybe. Well, it was pretty intense, so it could make sense. But just EVERYTHING. Please, can’t I just go into a dreamless sleep until this feeling goes away?

xoxo
Brianna

“Okay”

Hi,

So Boxing day wasn’t that much fun. I went to my sisters with my mother. And at some point she triggered the shit out of me. At first I didn’t feel good,  because I just knew I had to be there with a smile on my face, even though I didn’t feel like smiling. But knowing my sister couldn’t handle seeing me sad or anything but happy, I just have to smile.. that’s just how it goes.

And she has a puppy right, and he chews on his toy’s with a lot of saliva (which stinks!!!) and she smelled on it and was like ‘euw! this stinks!’ and then she pressed it under my nose. I am sensitive for things that smell strongly like that. And it made me gag. My mother was standing in front of me and as I started gagging, and I kind of lost touch with reality I grabbed my mums arm, hoping it could keep me here, or that she might help me stay here. But she didn’t.. well.. no, she didn’t. And I remember my sister saying ‘Brianna, stop being a baby, you’re overreacting, act normal, jeez’ afterwards I was shaking on my legs and ready to burst out in to tears.
Let’s just say it wasn’t the best day 😉

Yesterday was ok though, I had a vacation day planned but turned out i didn’t need it. Went grocery shopping and just had a normal friday.

Today however.. If someone would ask me how i was doing, I’d say I’m okay. Cause I guess I am. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or anything, nothing major has happened. I just feel like SHIT. I want to scream and cry and just crawl into someone arms and have them hug me and tell me it’ll be alright. That I will be alright.

Got a new years eve plan.
Since I’m alone and I hate that. I found out I still have 2 sedative medication-type-thingie’s. So I’m gonna take them. And that will probably mean, I’ll sleep my way through new years, well that’s the only positive thing about that whole celebration thing.

xoxo
Brianna

Hospitalized?

Hi,

So, absent-minded is my new name.

Anyway, hospitalized. I’m afraid in some way I am hospitalized.

I have been in therapy for 8 years now. Haven’t had a ‘normal’ daily schedule (as in school/work) in 6 years. I don’t really like therapy, but I want to get better and I want to be able to study and work and just be able to live my life. Not just survive it.
However I do realize I am able to go to therapy for 40 hours a week, but not to school/work for 40 hours a week. And of course at therapy I can break down all I want, they will catch me up. Better yet, I will be picked up at my front door, so I don’t even need to worry about arriving at the right spot! (Last week I had some trouble with dissociation and I was SO thankful for the taxi driving me, I really don’t know how I’d get there if there wasn’t that option)
So I can go to therapy 40 hours a week, because I can break down there as much as I want. When I go to work or school, I have to be normal, and hide everything. There is absolutely no room anymore to be Brianna, I just have to be a student, not an individual.

I feel very save in the psychiatric world, I am very good at making friends and contact. But in the ‘real world’ I feel like a freak.

Part of me is also just too scared to go back. And I know I’m just hopping from place to place xD. Next year I’ll be going to another spot for therapy again, so I’ll have to take time to build some trust again and stuff (and well I know me, and that might take 9 till 12 months ), before you know it, 2 years have gone by and nothing has changed.

I don’t really know what’s bothering me so much?
Is it the month december?
Was it the flu?
Was it that weird date I had?
Abraham? (Probably not.. :/)
My father?
Therapy issue’s?
nightmares?

Or just all the above?

This is just crazy. I just get angry and upset because monday will be the last therapy day of this year and I’ll just have to fix it till january second. Survive in any way possible.
I just don’t really seem to see the point anymore. I’m tired. (Ok, confession, it’s 2.12 am right now, I can’t sleep.)
One minutes I’m so thankful for my life and that I’m still here and on top of that surrounded by some of the most beautiful people walking this earth and the other minute I am just whining my ass of that I actually want to go.

I feel like I’m battling this thing. cptsd? brain injury? trauma? All my life, and it just wont get better, I keep falling down. And yeah, I do want to get up, but fuck, nothing is changing. So getting up seems pretty useless and I might just spare me a lot of pain by just keeping close to the ground.

Actually I want to lock myself up in my house, lie in bed all day and sleep my life away. Too bad I can’t make sure I have no nightmare’s.

xoxo
Brianna

Can I whine please?

Hi,

So yeah, it’s whine time at Brianna’s here.

I feel like crap 😦
It’s like the helplessness if all over me and I’m drowning in it. I want to see Brandon and just cling myself to him… not really appropriate right 😉

I feel like walking around in the street, shouting out ‘Help me’, hoping someone will come out of their house and help me.
Help me with what? I don’t know, but just take this horrible feeling away.

Betty once said she doesn’t understand why I don’t take it away myself. If I knew how I could. This is that moment she’s talking about. Me just waiting ‘helplessly’ for someone who is never coming.
I know that, I KNOW I have to do it alone. Brenda is al whiny right now. I just can not think straight with her being like that.

It’s like I’m powerless. Trying to swim against the stream, knowing, in the end, I’ll just fall down the linn. Like I’m screaming and fighting, but for what? And against what?

I literally don’t know what to do with these moments. With these feelings.

A part of me is telling myself ‘It’ll go away eventually, endure..’ and the other part is like ‘shut up b*tch, I don’t care about that, the problem is I’m drowning right now. So go away with your long-term solutions, I want short-term solutions!’

Then it all goes in a big speed.
‘Damn I’m such an annoying girl!’
‘They must really hate me’
‘It’s like nothing will ever work for me’
HAHA, gotta love my memory troubles, I forgot what I thought/came after that xD
It wasn’t pretty, but I just forgot.

So uhm, I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow. Probably won’t be able to get a talk. And if I do… about what? I DONT KNOW WHAT GOING ON.

Might take a look to go see if Sander is online.. but I don’t even feel like talking to him. Don’t wanna talk to anyone. Leave me alone. I’m lonely

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to have mental health problems. I want normal problems, and friends and family.

Gonna go to bed and watch a movie I guess.

It’s moments like these I wish I was in a clinic. Just go walk to the night nurse and talk to him/her. Go whine at him/her. Easy 😉

xoxo
Brianna

What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)

Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna

Shame

Hi..

I am a little ashamed for my explosion yesterday, or anyway the post before this one.
Not doing that great actually, today was ok. Ok as in I only cried once today.

Tomorrow I’m going to a meeting. I’m gonna see some people who have self harm issue’s as well.

I don’t even know what to type, I’m just down I guess. I don’t want to talk. At this point I am kinda wishing someone was sitting next to me on the couch, just having fun, watching the Voice of Holland and just laughing, commenting, sharing opinions, shouting because the person we/I/she/he like(s) isn’t going through and stuff like that.

Sometimes saying sorry doesn’t mean things will go back to the way they were, it just means you wish they did.
To be honest, I didn’t see this coming, this amount of pain, I can keep pretending it’s not here and I don’t miss anything at all. But the truth is, the only thing I’m sure of, is that it’s here and I do. I feel like a bitch, a nagging bitch, who made her own bed and should lie in it. But I never meant to make the bed like this, I really didn’t. The silence around me is lancinating, the emptiness I see makes my eyes tear, but knowing it will never be filled by YOU, makes me want to die.

I guess I’ll be okay, but maybe just not today?

xoxo
Brianna

Hangover

Hi,

I feel hung over… and not because I had some alcohol last night. But because I was feeling so good yesterday and high, like I could handle everything.
Right now I’m feeling kinda down. I don’t really know why. I want to sleep all day. Just lie in my bed and put the blankets over my head and sleep it away.

I feel a bit triggered, and I don’t even know what triggered me? I do have these sort of flashbacks, not very clear but they’re here. Things go through my mind, feelings through my body, it’s like I’m not save. Rationally I know I am save, I am at home, Polly was just here and we had a good talk. But I just want to sleep, get away from this world.

I did sleep ok, I fell a sleep very late though, but slept till 11.00, thought about Justy, fell a sleep a little bit more and woke up around 11.45, and Polly was already at the front door. (Woeps)

I don’t know why I am feeling low. I am going to try to find some distraction, there are movies I still want to watch and I’ve been saving them.

It feels like there are hands on my body, touching me, I don’t want them and when I look down at my body I don’t see anything. I just feel it, but I feel it in my head.. it’s weird to explain I guess.

I don’t know what’s the best thing to do right now. I guess I’m going back to bed. I feel a little bit more save there right now (weird huh?, at night I can feel very unsafe there)

xoxo
Brianna