So, absent-minded is my new name.
Anyway, hospitalized. I’m afraid in some way I am hospitalized.
I have been in therapy for 8 years now. Haven’t had a ‘normal’ daily schedule (as in school/work) in 6 years. I don’t really like therapy, but I want to get better and I want to be able to study and work and just be able to live my life. Not just survive it.
However I do realize I am able to go to therapy for 40 hours a week, but not to school/work for 40 hours a week. And of course at therapy I can break down all I want, they will catch me up. Better yet, I will be picked up at my front door, so I don’t even need to worry about arriving at the right spot! (Last week I had some trouble with dissociation and I was SO thankful for the taxi driving me, I really don’t know how I’d get there if there wasn’t that option)
So I can go to therapy 40 hours a week, because I can break down there as much as I want. When I go to work or school, I have to be normal, and hide everything. There is absolutely no room anymore to be Brianna, I just have to be a student, not an individual.
I feel very save in the psychiatric world, I am very good at making friends and contact. But in the ‘real world’ I feel like a freak.
Part of me is also just too scared to go back. And I know I’m just hopping from place to place xD. Next year I’ll be going to another spot for therapy again, so I’ll have to take time to build some trust again and stuff (and well I know me, and that might take 9 till 12 months ), before you know it, 2 years have gone by and nothing has changed.
I don’t really know what’s bothering me so much?
Is it the month december?
Was it the flu?
Was it that weird date I had?
Abraham? (Probably not.. :/)
Or just all the above?
This is just crazy. I just get angry and upset because monday will be the last therapy day of this year and I’ll just have to fix it till january second. Survive in any way possible.
I just don’t really seem to see the point anymore. I’m tired. (Ok, confession, it’s 2.12 am right now, I can’t sleep.)
One minutes I’m so thankful for my life and that I’m still here and on top of that surrounded by some of the most beautiful people walking this earth and the other minute I am just whining my ass of that I actually want to go.
I feel like I’m battling this thing. cptsd? brain injury? trauma? All my life, and it just wont get better, I keep falling down. And yeah, I do want to get up, but fuck, nothing is changing. So getting up seems pretty useless and I might just spare me a lot of pain by just keeping close to the ground.
Actually I want to lock myself up in my house, lie in bed all day and sleep my life away. Too bad I can’t make sure I have no nightmare’s.