What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically :/
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)


Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna

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Fighting through

I read about Project Unbreakable earlier this week, saw it on Facebook a couple of times today.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote last month (never even heard of Project Unbreakable back then), but I thought it was ‘funny’ how I used the word ‘unbreakable’ in it, which I know see, relates to the project.

About the project; http://project-unbreakable.org/
It’s about sexual assault, so it can be triggering! 

This poem is triggering!

I lay in bed
Trying to calm down
it’s so dark outside
I feel like I’m about to drown

I hear her crying in my head
Trying to control it all
her despair.. the dark.. the memories
Sooner or later, i’ll fall

I feel like im numb
Yet i feel everything i ever felt
I’m losing the contact
Where is my life belt

Sitting on the couch
Seeing that brown leg
Covered in black hair
Maybe I should beg

I know whats coming
I don’t know what to do
See those dark blue boxers
Why cant i break through

My mind shuts down
What I’m so thankful for
i know now I’ll be able
To handle a little bit more

I’m just here to do my job
Then I can go back to bed
I probably wont sleep
But hopefully drop dead

I gasp for air
& look around
There’s my cat
Lying on the ground

She is still crying
Cause i know she doesn’t feel save
My crazy mind just proved to her
It doesn’t help to be brave

My body is shocking
I feel like such a fool
It must have been 15 years ago
life can be so cruel

I’m gonna hold on though
Not gonna let him win
Wont ever try
To commit the deadly sin

I know I am strong enough
one day I’ll break through
Look at the world and say;
I’m unbreakable, thank you!

26-08-2013