Secrecy

Secrecy was a code I practiced for my life. I regret that to this day – Cyntoia Brown

I can really relate to this quote said by that girl, although she was very young.. those words are full of wisdom.

Anyhow. Trauma comes with so much secrecy and at some point I don’t know if I became good at hiding it from others or also good at hiding it from myself. Either way.. I think I’m carrying around a secret. For over a year now. It has nothing to do with trauma! I want to make that really clear. But, it’s bringing me down like hell. For over a year now. I don’t know if I ever even realized it was a secret. Or I don’t even know if secret is the right words. All I know is that nobody, literally nobody knows how much this is torturing me. There are a few people, and by a few, I think I mean 2 (Brandon and a friend of mine) who know that this occupies my mind every now and then… but the joke is, it’s not just every now and then.

I want to get rid of this. But how do I get rid of this, when I don’t ever talk about it?
The reason I’m writing this is I haven’t told anyone because I am SO ashamed of myself. Of this. I couldn’t even admit it to myself. I am very sure people will judge me for it, hell I even judge myself for it! But the shame is very trauma related.. and I know I need Brandon for that. But I don’t want to tell him. It should be simple, living with this pain or just tell someone. I know Brandon doesn’t judge. But I can’t stand this. And I can’t stand telling someone something, or trying to, without knowing the words for it.

It’s all too complicated.
I find myself crying all evening, and not knowing what to do. But I do know the cause. God knows I’ve tried everything. My head feels like a torture device.

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3 thoughts on “Secrecy

  1. i know exactly what you mean about carrying around a ‘secret’ that may not really be a ‘secret’. it may just be something special, something that sets you apart from others in some way. the ‘secret’ doesn’t have to be a bad thing, just its something you carry and no one knows.
    and then there are the ‘real’ kind of ‘secrets’ that are bad things, that lurk within, that we judge ourselves for and keep hidden known only to ourselves…the kind that says to us how bad we are, how no one else will understand.
    we torture ourselves between it being from the trauma that we think ‘wrong’ like this.. we torture ourselves from thinking maybe we liked it, maybe we wanted/deserved it. how can we face it, much less show our true face to others?
    hopefully, in time and in therapy, we can tell all…the bad, the good, what is wrong with us and what is right. and know we never liked it. we never deserved it or asked for it. it does not have to be our dirty little secret that we wonder about and torture ourselves with forever.
    so sorry we are in this boat, but know you are not the only one.

    • Wow, thanks Kat! I think it’s mostly the first one and a teeny bit of the second one mixed in one ‘secret’ if that makes sense.
      Anyway, thanks so much for your support yet again and your words! I really appreciate them 🙂 xx

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