Loss

With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn how to live with the ambiguity – Pauline Boss

 

for more info please visit www.ambiguousloss.com – I know it helped me..

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It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

 
What happened to me?

Crisis

Hi,

Monday was therapy day, and a long one. As much as I’d like to write it down clearly, I can’t. Because it’s not clearly in my mind. My talk with Betty was good but hell. I tried to tell her about the trigger (from january 3rd) but I couldn’t really describe it and I started crying. Like a fucking baby. Shit came out of my nose I think, I just couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t breathe properly. Brenda kept screaming in my head for safety in her own way.
Betty kept asking me ‘what can I do for you?’
All I could think of was; take care of me, help me get through this. Help me stay save. Help me through the evening and night. HELP. Get Abraham here. Ofcourse I couldn’t say any of these things, well I could, but she can’t do any of those things so instead I said ‘I dont know/nothing’. I couldn’t even look at her, I kept looking down at my lap and just hoping, wishing, wanting to disappear.

I kept on crying. We went for a walk outside which seemed to calm me down. I stopped crying and started talking about bullshit just to get my head out of the loneliness feeling (I do remember myself crying because I felt this huge agonising pain because of the thought of the upcoming evening + night + day and the loneliness that comes with). But just as we got back in (my mum and sister were already sitting in the waiting room), I started crying again.
Betty asked if I wanted to go into her office again but I said no. What’s the point?

Then I had the family talk with my mum + sister + me and the therapist. But a lot of crying there as well. I was totally broken, torn and just done. At some point I just knew, I have to do something because I will lose it. In the middle of the whole talk I just took my crisis medication.
It numb-ed me out. And eventually when I got home, knocked me out into a sleep.

Today Polly came over and I could see she got shocked because of how I looked. My eyes were beyond swollen. Of course still in my pyjama’s. She came in, asked how I was doing and I started crying again. To sum it up, I’m going to ask for a short stay in the open unit (1 or maybe 2 nights), just to get some rest. Tried to call the psychiatrist for some medication for tonight but he’s on a ‘team day’ today?! Just my luck!
I called Brandon because I want to ask him tomorrow for that stay in the open unit (I called him at 1 pm and was told that he would call me back). At some point it was 4.50 pm and I hadn’t got a call back. Beyond frustrated of course (had called twice in the mean time). I called again and finally got to speak to him, of course my mind is now beyond suspicious and all theories about how he didn’t want to talk to me or how they’re talking about me behind my back and maybe trying to ship me off to a clinic.
Anyway, I can see him at 8.45 tomorrow morning.

But now, I need to survive this evening and night. By even the thought of that, I start crying. So I’m just gonna have to take it one minute at the time.

xoxo
Brianna

2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS

Hi,

So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one 😛

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went 😛 man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on  Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot 😛 so it did give me a little boost 😉
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

“Okay”

Hi,

So Boxing day wasn’t that much fun. I went to my sisters with my mother. And at some point she triggered the shit out of me. At first I didn’t feel good,  because I just knew I had to be there with a smile on my face, even though I didn’t feel like smiling. But knowing my sister couldn’t handle seeing me sad or anything but happy, I just have to smile.. that’s just how it goes.

And she has a puppy right, and he chews on his toy’s with a lot of saliva (which stinks!!!) and she smelled on it and was like ‘euw! this stinks!’ and then she pressed it under my nose. I am sensitive for things that smell strongly like that. And it made me gag. My mother was standing in front of me and as I started gagging, and I kind of lost touch with reality I grabbed my mums arm, hoping it could keep me here, or that she might help me stay here. But she didn’t.. well.. no, she didn’t. And I remember my sister saying ‘Brianna, stop being a baby, you’re overreacting, act normal, jeez’ afterwards I was shaking on my legs and ready to burst out in to tears.
Let’s just say it wasn’t the best day 😉

Yesterday was ok though, I had a vacation day planned but turned out i didn’t need it. Went grocery shopping and just had a normal friday.

Today however.. If someone would ask me how i was doing, I’d say I’m okay. Cause I guess I am. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or anything, nothing major has happened. I just feel like SHIT. I want to scream and cry and just crawl into someone arms and have them hug me and tell me it’ll be alright. That I will be alright.

Got a new years eve plan.
Since I’m alone and I hate that. I found out I still have 2 sedative medication-type-thingie’s. So I’m gonna take them. And that will probably mean, I’ll sleep my way through new years, well that’s the only positive thing about that whole celebration thing.

xoxo
Brianna

Hospitalized?

Hi,

So, absent-minded is my new name.

Anyway, hospitalized. I’m afraid in some way I am hospitalized.

I have been in therapy for 8 years now. Haven’t had a ‘normal’ daily schedule (as in school/work) in 6 years. I don’t really like therapy, but I want to get better and I want to be able to study and work and just be able to live my life. Not just survive it.
However I do realize I am able to go to therapy for 40 hours a week, but not to school/work for 40 hours a week. And of course at therapy I can break down all I want, they will catch me up. Better yet, I will be picked up at my front door, so I don’t even need to worry about arriving at the right spot! (Last week I had some trouble with dissociation and I was SO thankful for the taxi driving me, I really don’t know how I’d get there if there wasn’t that option)
So I can go to therapy 40 hours a week, because I can break down there as much as I want. When I go to work or school, I have to be normal, and hide everything. There is absolutely no room anymore to be Brianna, I just have to be a student, not an individual.

I feel very save in the psychiatric world, I am very good at making friends and contact. But in the ‘real world’ I feel like a freak.

Part of me is also just too scared to go back. And I know I’m just hopping from place to place xD. Next year I’ll be going to another spot for therapy again, so I’ll have to take time to build some trust again and stuff (and well I know me, and that might take 9 till 12 months ), before you know it, 2 years have gone by and nothing has changed.

I don’t really know what’s bothering me so much?
Is it the month december?
Was it the flu?
Was it that weird date I had?
Abraham? (Probably not.. :/)
My father?
Therapy issue’s?
nightmares?

Or just all the above?

This is just crazy. I just get angry and upset because monday will be the last therapy day of this year and I’ll just have to fix it till january second. Survive in any way possible.
I just don’t really seem to see the point anymore. I’m tired. (Ok, confession, it’s 2.12 am right now, I can’t sleep.)
One minutes I’m so thankful for my life and that I’m still here and on top of that surrounded by some of the most beautiful people walking this earth and the other minute I am just whining my ass of that I actually want to go.

I feel like I’m battling this thing. cptsd? brain injury? trauma? All my life, and it just wont get better, I keep falling down. And yeah, I do want to get up, but fuck, nothing is changing. So getting up seems pretty useless and I might just spare me a lot of pain by just keeping close to the ground.

Actually I want to lock myself up in my house, lie in bed all day and sleep my life away. Too bad I can’t make sure I have no nightmare’s.

xoxo
Brianna

Can I whine please?

Hi,

So yeah, it’s whine time at Brianna’s here.

I feel like crap 😦
It’s like the helplessness if all over me and I’m drowning in it. I want to see Brandon and just cling myself to him… not really appropriate right 😉

I feel like walking around in the street, shouting out ‘Help me’, hoping someone will come out of their house and help me.
Help me with what? I don’t know, but just take this horrible feeling away.

Betty once said she doesn’t understand why I don’t take it away myself. If I knew how I could. This is that moment she’s talking about. Me just waiting ‘helplessly’ for someone who is never coming.
I know that, I KNOW I have to do it alone. Brenda is al whiny right now. I just can not think straight with her being like that.

It’s like I’m powerless. Trying to swim against the stream, knowing, in the end, I’ll just fall down the linn. Like I’m screaming and fighting, but for what? And against what?

I literally don’t know what to do with these moments. With these feelings.

A part of me is telling myself ‘It’ll go away eventually, endure..’ and the other part is like ‘shut up b*tch, I don’t care about that, the problem is I’m drowning right now. So go away with your long-term solutions, I want short-term solutions!’

Then it all goes in a big speed.
‘Damn I’m such an annoying girl!’
‘They must really hate me’
‘It’s like nothing will ever work for me’
HAHA, gotta love my memory troubles, I forgot what I thought/came after that xD
It wasn’t pretty, but I just forgot.

So uhm, I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow. Probably won’t be able to get a talk. And if I do… about what? I DONT KNOW WHAT GOING ON.

Might take a look to go see if Sander is online.. but I don’t even feel like talking to him. Don’t wanna talk to anyone. Leave me alone. I’m lonely

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to have mental health problems. I want normal problems, and friends and family.

Gonna go to bed and watch a movie I guess.

It’s moments like these I wish I was in a clinic. Just go walk to the night nurse and talk to him/her. Go whine at him/her. Easy 😉

xoxo
Brianna

What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically :/
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)


Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna

Nothing’s fine, I’m torn

Typed a whole lot.. then deleted it. It’s just me nagging about my life.
Not knowing what to do next. Not knowing how long it will take. Feeling lonely. Angry. Helpless. Sad.

Come and rescue me, I’m burning can’t you see?

I need a rescuer, I really do. Not someone who will do it for me. But someone who will stand next to me. Hold my hand. Hug me. Who I can see face-to-face, laugh with. Watch movies with. Go for drinks with. Someone who is near me and despite all my flaws, still believes in me. Someone who limits me when I’m crossing the line. Someone who encourages me when I’m doing well. Someone who I can talk to.

Don’t say it’s not possible. Because I really don’t believe you can do this all by yourself. Not with 1 talk a week of 45 minutes. And nobody else around you. Rotting away on your couch. I really believe you need to have a person who supports you in your life (outside of treatment) and who lives near. Well, I do. Social contact is a primary necessity of life for me.

Acting like a child

Hello,

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Again, kinda pity and negative. I’m trying to kick my own ass to turn it around. Might be a little triggering as well! 

Everything in me screams ‘NO! I don’t want to feel, go away. I hate you. Help me. I can’t do it alone. I CANT DO IT ALONE. I NEED YOU. Help me. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel bad. I feel terrible. I want this to go away RIGHT NOW. You need to take this away RIGHT NOW. If not I will scream and cry till you will. You must. You need. You are obligated to. HELP ME. I wont let you go till you help me. I am gonna hold your leg till you help me. I can’t do it alone. Really not. Help me. Carry me. Hold my hand. Never let me go.’

Yeah…. I hate you too Brenda. I see the ridiculousness about this. It’s really stupid. I am an adult. Stop acting like that!! Shut the peep up and go away. Jesus. I am honest, I don’t want to feel as well. But she’s just makes it sooo difficult to stay positive and hold on and endure. Because she makes me whiny and hopeless. She is the weak part of me.

Yep, to be honest. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling.
Yes, I’m so hurt. But by what? I don’t even know? It’s this pain around my chest from the inside, but mentally you know.. with every breath I take I feel it. I feel crushed from the inside. Yeah.. my chest. Feel like crying.

I’m going to stop focussing on my body now, because I can’t handle that for too long. My mind will shut my body out and it can take forever for me to move again.

So I have to continue to go on in my head. Sorry, but this makes me so pissed as well. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this stuff? What is the ‘right’ thing to do? I can’t call the treatment because there is crisisteam/emergency-backup nurse and psychiatrist are available, but for crisis. But yeah, if I continue like this, I might end in a crisis. And you know it makes me SO tired. So tired to be this emotional the whole day. Not just emotional, but also my emotion swings from left to right. And then just have these intense down moments, and feel this pain and I don’t even know why. I only know everything in me naturally fights to get it out. To stop it. I have to let it be. It’s like I have a battle IN SIDE MY HEAD. Me versus Brenda. And she’s so annoying. Whine this. Whine that. SHUT UP. It’s not helping anyone to be so whiny.
but I have to endure….. so I can’t distract unless I’m at my limit. Where is my limit. Jesus, why can I only talk to miss Betty once every 2 weeks.I mean, am I supposed to freaking do the rest alone. Yeah, cause magically I’m supposed to know all this stuff. YEAH IM DEMANDING. If she doesn’t like it, she can slap me in the face. I’d love for her to do that. Come on, slap me. Hit me. Kick me. Pull my hear. Yell at me. Curse at me. Come on… I know you want to. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, I want someone to hit me. Then it makes sense for me to feel like this I guess. But come on, hit me. Kick me. HURT ME.

 
I CANT COPE. The tension is ALL OVER my freaking body. In my arms, I feel the need to sway my arms and legs all around. Sitting still and calm does NOT feel good.

Driving myself insane like this.

I’m so sorry. And I am so ashamed of myself. That this is me. That I’m actually thinking this. That I’m actually writing this. I am ashamed of being me. I feel like a disappointment. Like a fail.
This is NOT meant as pity! I truly feel this. And to be honest… you must understand why, right? Seeing how I’ve been falling down and standing up the last 2 months? Understand that the constant falling down may be a part of the road, but it doesn’t make me feel better about myself. On the contrary, it makes me hate myself. Feel disgusted by myself. Look down on myself. Why can’t I just act NORMAL?

Don’t even know how to end this post.

I’m sorry.
Brianna