Song; Alexz Johnson – Skin (+lyrics)

I drift away to a place
Another kind of life
Take away the pain
I create my paradise

Everything I’ve held
Has hit the wall
What used to be yours
Isn’t yours at all

Falling apart, and all that I’m asking
Is it a crime, am I overreacting

Oh, he’s under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I’ve got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

So what you had didn’t fit
Among the pretty things
Never fear, never fear
I now know where you’ve been

Braids have been un-tied
As ribbons fall away
Leave the consequence
But my tears you’ll taste

Falling apart and all that I question
Is this a dream or is this my lesson

Oh, he’s under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I’ve got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

I don’t believe I’ll be alright
I don’t believe I’ll be OK
I don’t believe how you’ve thrown me away
I do believe you didn’t try
I do blame you for every lie
When I look in your eyes, I don’t see mine

Oh, he’s under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I’ve got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

Oh my permission to sin
You might have started my reckoning
I’ve got a reason now to bury him alive
Another little white lie
__

Been listening to it a lot today but I don’t really know why yet

Am I climbing up?

Hi,

I have been very quiet on Word Press and mainly just because I am ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my behaviour yet not willing to change it because I felt I deserved it.
Right now I think I’m moving up, SLOWLY, but surely. I had a really hard couple of days.

Trigger Warning
There was a lot of self harm in the past few days and a lot of triggers. Just something inside of me demanding me to harm myself because I deserve to be harmed. I needed to be in constant pain. Thursday was the worst I guess. I did harm myself and it just kept bleeding, I was too afraid to go to the doctors but after 5 hours (and the doctors being closed) I got scared. It still didn’t stop. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my mum so I told her before hand that I did harm myself and it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. (5 hours later) She looked a little confused and said ‘the store is only open till 8 pm’. It felt as a huge rejection (I don’t deserve medical treatment) and we went to the store. I was beyond angry and upset with my mother. After going back to the car after getting the grocery’s I cried and asked her why I am not important enough? At least not more important than grocery’s. She said she got confused and didn’t know what to do. I told her I did want to see a doctor.
Of course being VERY ashamed of harming myself and then going to the doctors, I came in with my tail between my legs and there was a very nice woman doctor who helped me. She asked me why I did it & I said ‘i hate my body’ she said ‘that must be awful’.. yeah, you can get angry about this but I do feel she meant it so I said ‘yeah..’. She asked me to see the wound and ofcourse now that I AM at the doctors it stopped! So it was still very nasty and since it had been about 6 hours it wasn’t anyting pretty. She said she wanted to stitch it up and make the scar more ‘pretty’.. but I told her she didn’t need to and I’d be ok with a plaster. For the first time the doctor was ok with wat I wanted with the wound. The area around it is still a but numb but I guess that’ll stay like that.
Yesterday (Friday) I did harm myself again and a lot, but not that deep. Which meant it hurt much more. So after breaking down again in front of my mum I did manage to go to bed that night WITHOUT cutting! Right now it’s saturday and it’s 4.43 pm and I haven’t cut. I am a little proud of myself, though I do feel the need coming up, I’m just gonna try to be ok with not cutting and not wanting to punish myself.

So it’s hard yeah.. but we’ll make it through right?
I really hope this is it. That this was rock bottom and I’m going up again.
Looking back at this year.. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It went ok as in I have therapy and got a lot out of myself, however I had a few down moments as well. Moments where I could have died if it turned out wrong.

I hope to be a little more active and a little more positive again.

They don’t even know you
All they see is scars
They don’t see the angel living in your heart
Let them find the real you, buried deep within.
Let them know with all you’ve got.. that you are NOT your skin.

Not ready to call myself an angel ūüėČ , but I do know I have a good part as well. I am not all bad.

xoxo
Brianna

Lyrics can be beautifully painful

Warning; this is a negative post and might include triggers!

Did you ever think of me like the lyrics?; 
“So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?
[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I’ll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
Well I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine”

I guess not. 

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again. Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It has not healed with time. It just show down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight, reminds me how you laid us down…. and gently smiled…. before you destroyed my life.
Would you find it in your heart, to make this go away, and let me rest in pieces.

I open my eyes, I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light.¬†
I can’t remember how, I can’t remember why, I’m lying here tonight.
And I can’t stand the pain.. no I can’t make it go away, no I can’t stand the pain.
How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away (3 AM)
I’m sick of this life… I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay.. but that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most, was being so close, having so much to say… and watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could’ve been, and not seeing that loving you; is what I was trying to do

I never could get drunk enough, to get you of my mind, until the night
I put the bottle to my head, and pulled the trigger. Finally drank away your memory.
Life is short, but this time it was bigger, then the strength I had to get up off my knees.
They found me with my face down in the pillow, with a note that said ‘I’ll you till I die’

I lost my love, my life, that night.
Never meant to start a war.. Really didn’t.¬†
Don’t you ever say, I just walked away, I’ll always want you.

She walks to school with the lunch she packed. Nobody knows what she’s holding back.
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday, she hides the bruises with the linen and lace.
The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask. It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask.¬†
Bearing the burden of a secret storm. Sometimes she wishes she was never born.
Somebody cries in the middle of the night.. the neighbours hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate.. when morning comes it’ll be too late.
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone, in a world that she can’t rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she’s loved..
A statue stands in a shaded place. An angel girl with an upturned face. A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot; concrete angel.

This I come home to.. this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growing up in WWIII, Never knowing what love could be
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family¬†
Can’t we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better.. I’ll do anything

I’m crying here, what have you done? I thought it would be fun
Can’t on your life support, there’s a shortage in the switch
Can’t stay on your morphine, its making me itch
I tried to call the nurse again, but she’s being a little bitch

Please, please.. forgive me, but I won’t be home again.¬†
Maybe someday you’ll look up, and barely conscious you’ll say to no one ‘isn’t something missing?’
You won’t cry for my absence I know, you forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing? Isn’t someone missing me?
Even though I’m the sacrifice, you won’t try for me not now. though I’d die to know you love me, I’m all alone
I know I am the sacrifice, and that you won’t cry for me not now. Yes I’d die to know you love me, yet I know you don’t
And if I bleed, I’ll bleed.. knowing you don’t care
And If i sleep just to dream of you.. how come I wake without you there?
Isn’t someone missing me?¬†

^This song was for my mother.. I used to listen to it when I was younger.. living at home and really thinking and feeling exactly like the lyrics

Hold on to me love.. you know I can’t stay long.¬†
All I wanted to say was I love you and I’m not afraid.
Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms? 
Holding my last breath, save inside myself.
I’ll miss the winter.. a world of fragile things. Look for me in the white forest hiding in a hollow tree.. come find me.
I know you hear me… I can taste it in your tears </3
Closing your eyes to disappear. You pray your dreams will leave me here. 
But still you wake and know the truth.. no-one’s there.¬†
Say goodnight, don’t be afraid. Calling me… calling me.. as you fade to black.¬†

Suicidal thoughts are all over the place. I feel like surrendering to… I don’t know who, but whoever is trying to kill me. Yeah.. surrendering to CPTSD.

CPTSD at my feet, whispers voices at my ear.. death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear. She beckons me shall I give in? Upon my end shall I begin? 
Forsaking all I’ve fallen for, I rise to meet the end.

Servatis a periculum 
Servatis a maleficum 

Don’t know why I chose these lyrics exactly. Was just listening to them on youtube, and felt like putting these ones down. Suddenly it stopped.. ? (The wanting to write down what I was listening to..) so uhm.. yeah, not feeling all to well. Can’t even expalin why, of course there are reasons, feelings, and thoughts.. it’s just a big mess.

Am I a lost cause?

Simple Plan – Me against the world

“They want to watch me fall.¬†
I am a nightmare, a disaster.. that’s what they always say.
I am a lost cause, not a hero, but I’ll make it on my own.

You can sit there and judge me,
Say what you want to,
I’ll never let you win.

Me against the world.”

Disturbed – Down with the sickness

“Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant, I kneel
It’s seems whats left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

There’s no turning back now. You’ve woken up the demon in me.

Open up your hate and let it flow into me.

Madness is the gift that has been given to me.”

Adam Lambert – Whataya want from me?


“But now… here we are.. so what do you want from me?¬†

Just DONT give up! I am working it out.
Please don’t give in. I wont let you down.
It messed me up. Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around. 

Baby you are beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with you
It’s me.. I am a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you are doing it perfectly.

I think you could save my life.

Dont give up… I am working it out (give me the time) please don’t give in.
It messed me up.. I need a second to breathe.

What do you want from me?”

Within Temptation – All I need

“Why don’t I ever learn?¬†
I’ve lost all my trust though I surely tried to turn it around..
Can you still see the heart of me? 
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace.

Dont tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

I’m here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away from turning around.

Make it fade away, don’t break me down..
I want to believe that this is for real, save me from my fear
Dont tear me down…
For all I need

MAKE MY HEART A BETTER PLACE!”

It has been about 18 hours since I took the medication and I’m more clear again. Found myself listening to these four songs.

Brandon told me once about something called the ‘drama triangle’, I just literally translated it to English. Dont know if it’s called the same in English. It’s about (as far as I know) when after (as I guess) a childhood trauma you are in this triangle. Victim – Accuser – Helper.
Victim acts like a victim (after the trauma of course) and just waits to be rescued.
Accuser accuses every one else. Blames everyone except himself. (It’s simple explained, but I do mean abused people can become abusers and stuff like that. People who had traumatising childhoods who murder people as an adult. But that’s of course an extreme side)
Helper is someone who only focuses on other people and never looks at himself and just focuses on (for instance) helping the victim, picking up the victim, taking care of the victim, shushing things between victim and accuser etc.)

The ‘best’ position to be in (according to Brandon, and this is how I interpreted it) is to stand in the middle of the triangle. Within your own strength. Your own helper. Yes a victim, but realizing that you can do something about it NOW. Don’t blame others for what your actions are right now. And looking at yourself critically enough, knowing your boundaries, putting yourself first and not (for instance) focussing on a victim’s needs when you’ll have to cross your own boundaries to give them the needs.

As far as I know it’s a triangle in which people (more people) are in. At therapy they say my mum, sister and me are functioning in that traingle. Have been all our lives. Which makes it hard to step out of it on your own, when the other two people are still acting on the rules of the triangle.

Brandon made a joke once, about that my mum, sister and me have a club (which is the Drama Triangle) and to enter (my sisters fiancee for instance) you must accept the rules of the Triangle and also act like that. He said my mum was the chairwoman of the Drama Triangle-club of ours. :’)
I started laughing but actually it’s not funny at all… :/
I do feel demanding, I have therapy 2 days a week. But who can correct me the other 5 days? I wish there was someone who could see when I was acting wrong and just like make me aware of it, but without needing to be around me all the time.

Is the situation hopeless? Am I a lost cause? What if I’m very emotional (angry or sad or whatever) and am not able to think clearly, who will be there to kick my ass and point it out before I do something stupid?

I’ll be honest; my anger scares me. (Not that I want to kill someone, don’t get me wrong. I only know that I can become angry within 5 seconds (especially when I’m not drugged with heavy anti psychotics), and I’m afraid I wont be able to control myself. I have had blind-rage issue’s when I was younger)
My heart doesn’t feel like a good place.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. found the Drama triangle on google. Just to paint a picture;
dramadriehoek