Last therapy day of 2013!

Hi,

So this was my last therapy day for 2013.

I guess it was good.

We had a lot of fun with the girls a lot of laughing but I noticed or I think I noticed a lot of tension from everyone just because of the holidays, I did talk to Betty for a short while, we talked about christmas and new years.. I told about my plans and stuff, cried about me being alone at new years 😛 . But somehow it felt ok… I did leave the room because it felt like too much, but in the end it felt ok. It feels okay to not be okay with being alone at new years.

I feel a little bit more positive. (And a little torn about the word ‘little’ in the sentence, because at some point a lot, because I don’t have any suicidal thoughts, but I don’t feel really much better as in, the dark cloud is still hanging above my head… but thankful for the absence of suicidal thoughts! 🙂 nobody needs those!)
I’ll just try to live this ‘holiday’ day by day.

I do realize I am very tense. Very sensitive to other people’s reaction. Like a friend of mine (who has absolutely NO understanding for mental health) made a comment about therapy today and it just went wrong (well it always does, but this time, my reaction was different.. he actually said sorry for his comment! :O ) and just worrying about the people who I’m talking to that they’re upset with me because they’re using an emoticon less or more… you know, little things. Just tense.
Anyway, going to live it day by day. Luckily it’s no long holiday!!
January 2nd I’ll have to be there again, and I will be, gladly 😉 .

See my girls again 😀

They’re really growing on me 🙂
And that’s weird, because we don’t always agree, by far sometimes, but that doesn’t matter, because I’m ok with not agreeing with someone as long as we accept each others as we are, and we do that! So I still think they’re great 😀 they just have their own (different) opinion and that’s ok 🙂

Wish real life was that simple.. 🙂

xoxo
Brianna

Thinking, thinking…

Hi,

So a lot of thinking and kind of down feeling.

I haven’t really been much on wordpress lately however I do think I am coming back (?), but I don’t want to make any promises or statements..

My life has been different, first I had the flu, had some contact with Abraham again and met some people.. I think overall you could say I have been less lonely. Which I have been so thankful for, because isn’t that what I always wanted? What I’ve been whining for these past few months?! Well yes, it was what I wanted.
It still is… don’t worry 😉 I’m glad with the people, I don’t regret a thing 🙂

I’m just a little disappointed at myself and the situation I guess.

When I’m alone I feel terrible (Lonely, and ptsdy-ish)
When I’m with people I feel less alone, but sometimes a lot more ptsd-ish, and I guess (well I’ve been thinking) is that because I have to hide my ‘true self’? I have to hide Brenda and Peter. I have to smile and be happy. I can not break down. And to be honest and not cocky, my house is a kind of nice place, people seem to like it here and hang out for a LONG time 😛 , like they don’t really want to go home, they like it here, which is good. But after a while, my mind or head starts playing tricks and I start getting restless. Which of course I have to hide. But in the end, it all gets worse. I get stuck in flashbacks and nightmares. Need to selfharm and thoughts of suicide.

Which made me think; are people a trigger for me?

Then again, at therapy it’s different.. but it’s very structured. People are in control (the therapists etc) and it’s limited.

It’s like there is no good option. Well I prefer the people option, but I do realize it’s the flashbacks and the building up of restless and tension in side of me which drives them away eventually.
I just hate that I can’t talk at therapy about this because there simply isn’t any time. The holiday’s are coming up and new years and it’ll be a good 2 or maybe 3 weeks before I can talk to someone. But I can feel me slipping down.

xoxo
Brianna

 

What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)

Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna

Losing someone

Hi,

In the ‘long’ cab drives from home – therapy and back I do get a lot of thinking. Staring outside and just have my mind wander off.
A while ago I found this quote;
When you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time. ~ Simon Birch
And since then it’s been going in and out of my mind, but today it got stuck and I thought about it a lot more. Of course influences like realizing the loneliness, the loss, things happening in the world or just around me make me think as well.

Luckily I haven’t seen much of death. My uncle died when I was about 13 or 14 years.. I don’t really remember much. He was very sick, with cancer. I was very depressed and I know I was a little afraid because he had changed so much  (because of the illness). (I knew him since I was a baby, saw him many times a year) My grandpa died when I was very young (like 1-year-old?) so I don’t remember him.

So a part of me feels like I don’t really have the right to talk about the quote or this stuff, because I haven’t really been through the same, or the worst for that matter.

I’m going to do it anyway, while knowing it’s NOT death, but just estranged.

For instance, my grandmother, whom I love very much. She lives about 2500 km away? So I really don’t get to see her often. And every time I do, I keep wondering ‘was this the last time?’ I try not to think about her leaving the world, not only not being able to say goodbye (money issues) and just knowing when I go to that country, she won’t be there. I had/have a very intense relationship. My grandmother was like my mother for the first 6 years of my life. Took good care of me and gave me a lot of love.
Of course there’s the whole loneliness feeling and of course with that there are a lot of other people’s names attached (well.. a lot isn’t true. a few).

Looking at these kind of people/situations, I do feel I can relate to that quote to some extent. Like when my grandma left Holland, a big part of me felt dead, not being able to go to her room and ask for a hug, just not having her support here 24/7. I do think of it like a big thing (just to paint a picture;), like a puzzle. With maybe 10000 pieces 😉 . When my grandmother left Holland, a lot of pieces got shattered and lost, maybe even 50%. So to me that was huge. But I do realize that over the years, I am still feeling her loss. Her absence. When I do see her.. it’s like she’s already moving away from the world. I don’t know what (and if) I’ll see next time.
So it feels like even though I still had like 50% of the puzzle, over the years and over time, pieces are still breaking/vanishing. And it still hurts. Not like it did, no.. a lot less. But painful enough to have me wonder ‘what the hell is this?’ and have my eye drop a few tears.

Thinking in PTSD terms, I feel like I lost a lot there aswell. I lost my youth, my father, a big piece of my mother… and all those things still hurt. It could be because I am totally in the middle of that right now, accepting.. or trying to accept. Going through these grieving stages, back and forth from denial/anger/hurt (it’s like I’m stuck by the way, especially since I keep going back to the denial part, anyway) so my puzzle is breaking, breaking hard. I’m a little bit afraid I’ll still feel pieces of the puzzle breaking and vanishing 15 years from now. I’m glad it’ll be a lot less painful, but still sad.

It’s like people are irreplaceable. Things like parents or your youth are irreplaceable as well. It isn’t like ‘well I’m 18 now, lost my youth, cried hard about it & now that’s done’.
Of course there are a lot of other great people, I really do NOT deny that. You never know whats around the river bend. But I do know.. it’s not that person. It still hurts.. why does it still hurt?
Will it ever stop hurting?

I do really appreciate the good memories I still have, and I realize I’ll always have them, but do I want to?

When will the last piece go?

I can’t erase, so I’ll take blame
But I can’t accept that we’re estranged

xoxo
Brianna

Lyrics can be beautifully painful

Warning; this is a negative post and might include triggers!

Did you ever think of me like the lyrics?; 
“So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?
[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I’ll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
Well I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine”

I guess not. 

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again. Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It has not healed with time. It just show down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight, reminds me how you laid us down…. and gently smiled…. before you destroyed my life.
Would you find it in your heart, to make this go away, and let me rest in pieces.

I open my eyes, I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light. 
I can’t remember how, I can’t remember why, I’m lying here tonight.
And I can’t stand the pain.. no I can’t make it go away, no I can’t stand the pain.
How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away (3 AM)
I’m sick of this life… I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay.. but that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most, was being so close, having so much to say… and watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could’ve been, and not seeing that loving you; is what I was trying to do

I never could get drunk enough, to get you of my mind, until the night
I put the bottle to my head, and pulled the trigger. Finally drank away your memory.
Life is short, but this time it was bigger, then the strength I had to get up off my knees.
They found me with my face down in the pillow, with a note that said ‘I’ll you till I die’

I lost my love, my life, that night.
Never meant to start a war.. Really didn’t. 
Don’t you ever say, I just walked away, I’ll always want you.

She walks to school with the lunch she packed. Nobody knows what she’s holding back.
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday, she hides the bruises with the linen and lace.
The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask. It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask. 
Bearing the burden of a secret storm. Sometimes she wishes she was never born.
Somebody cries in the middle of the night.. the neighbours hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate.. when morning comes it’ll be too late.
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone, in a world that she can’t rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she’s loved..
A statue stands in a shaded place. An angel girl with an upturned face. A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot; concrete angel.

This I come home to.. this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growing up in WWIII, Never knowing what love could be
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family 
Can’t we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better.. I’ll do anything

I’m crying here, what have you done? I thought it would be fun
Can’t on your life support, there’s a shortage in the switch
Can’t stay on your morphine, its making me itch
I tried to call the nurse again, but she’s being a little bitch

Please, please.. forgive me, but I won’t be home again. 
Maybe someday you’ll look up, and barely conscious you’ll say to no one ‘isn’t something missing?’
You won’t cry for my absence I know, you forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing? Isn’t someone missing me?
Even though I’m the sacrifice, you won’t try for me not now. though I’d die to know you love me, I’m all alone
I know I am the sacrifice, and that you won’t cry for me not now. Yes I’d die to know you love me, yet I know you don’t
And if I bleed, I’ll bleed.. knowing you don’t care
And If i sleep just to dream of you.. how come I wake without you there?
Isn’t someone missing me? 

^This song was for my mother.. I used to listen to it when I was younger.. living at home and really thinking and feeling exactly like the lyrics

Hold on to me love.. you know I can’t stay long. 
All I wanted to say was I love you and I’m not afraid.
Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms? 
Holding my last breath, save inside myself.
I’ll miss the winter.. a world of fragile things. Look for me in the white forest hiding in a hollow tree.. come find me.
I know you hear me… I can taste it in your tears </3
Closing your eyes to disappear. You pray your dreams will leave me here. 
But still you wake and know the truth.. no-one’s there. 
Say goodnight, don’t be afraid. Calling me… calling me.. as you fade to black. 

Suicidal thoughts are all over the place. I feel like surrendering to… I don’t know who, but whoever is trying to kill me. Yeah.. surrendering to CPTSD.

CPTSD at my feet, whispers voices at my ear.. death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear. She beckons me shall I give in? Upon my end shall I begin? 
Forsaking all I’ve fallen for, I rise to meet the end.

Servatis a periculum 
Servatis a maleficum 

Don’t know why I chose these lyrics exactly. Was just listening to them on youtube, and felt like putting these ones down. Suddenly it stopped.. ? (The wanting to write down what I was listening to..) so uhm.. yeah, not feeling all to well. Can’t even expalin why, of course there are reasons, feelings, and thoughts.. it’s just a big mess.

My worst enemy; CPTSD a.k.a myself?

“They told me to kill the monster.. little did they know, the monster lived inside me”

Hi,

If it’s ok with Katherine Doe, I’d like to quote something she said in a comment on the blog post “Adult acting like a child”.

“if I do not get the treatment I need every day, my condition could be, will be, fatal. CPTSD is a life-threatening condition.
CPTSD is often fatal- I mean suicide, of course. That’s why I like the word “survivor” so much,,. we survive the trauma, and then we must survive each day with CPTSD which is always trying to kill us.”

This is só true. It’s been going through my mind, with the quote I wrote above. (Which isn’t mine either! I found it on the internet once, anonymous)

Just thinking about my life, and not the whole part, just the present. Today and the rest of the week. I can’t even look further than that. I am already worried about this week. How the hell am I gonna survive this week? It’s a constant battle against the ‘monster inside me’/’the monster that has been awakened by the trauma’. It’s exhausting. Just thinking about this week and the worries that come with it. (Looking at last week for example, man I had SUCH bad moments. I thought it’d be fatal. And I got out, I don’t even know how! ‘Just’ enduring I think, but that is damn hard. Everything inside me feels like torture. Too much painful emotions (scared/anger/sad/agony). Which has a normal reaction to want to stop it.. And to be honest, how better than to kill yourself? I do want to say clearly; I really don’t think anyone should kill themselves! But I think it’s very logical that you might have the thoughts. Thinking of this week, and not even the rest of the year! (don’t even get me started on the month December!  😐 )This week, feels so hopeless. The excruciating feelings that come with the trigger/mood swings/flashbacks. ITS TOO MUCH. And then again the part of feeling all alone in this. No one to sit next to me and hold my hand.

Isn’t it extremely logical to think about killing yourself? I am not suicidal, but I have suicidal thoughts. Just not the desire to take action. But I am afraid, that in the moment of crisis, I will take action. Since I can not think clearly and have no one near me to wake me up or remind me.

Well I guess a good thing is to remember I got through the moments. I got through the feelings. I’m still here, I’m breathing, my heart is beating. I’m typing this. I am okay now. I will get through this week. I will. And after that, I’ll get through the next one. I AM strong enough. I survived the trauma, I will survive the aftermath.

What to do? I don’t even know. I’d suggest finding help from a professional, and find yourself some distraction. That’s where my knowledge ends. But I guess my faith remains, faith in me, faith in you, faith in recovery. I don’t care how small the flame is.. as long as it’s burning, I’ll be fighting. (Lol, if someone would tell me that in a crisis I’d probably yell at that person ‘shut up, that’s stupid, this can’t be survived, my life is ruined forever. I must kill myself’ and just thoughts and stuff like that come out. But please hang on.. don’t give up on me.. or on others. Now I am more clear than when I’d be in a crisis (overwhelmed with the horrible feelings), so I guess what I say now, makes more sense than what I’d say then.

I don’t really know where I want to go with this blog post. I guess just explaining how much truth there was in those words Katherine said.

It’s 1 am here, and I am tired. That’s a good sign. Hope I’ll be asleep before 4 (and if I’m lucky maybe even 3) am this time!

xoxo
Brianna