My worst enemy; CPTSD a.k.a myself?

“They told me to kill the monster.. little did they know, the monster lived inside me”

Hi,

If it’s ok with Katherine Doe, I’d like to quote something she said in a comment on the blog post “Adult acting like a child”.

“if I do not get the treatment I need every day, my condition could be, will be, fatal. CPTSD is a life-threatening condition.
CPTSD is often fatal- I mean suicide, of course. That’s why I like the word “survivor” so much,,. we survive the trauma, and then we must survive each day with CPTSD which is always trying to kill us.”

This is só true. It’s been going through my mind, with the quote I wrote above. (Which isn’t mine either! I found it on the internet once, anonymous)

Just thinking about my life, and not the whole part, just the present. Today and the rest of the week. I can’t even look further than that. I am already worried about this week. How the hell am I gonna survive this week? It’s a constant battle against the ‘monster inside me’/’the monster that has been awakened by the trauma’. It’s exhausting. Just thinking about this week and the worries that come with it. (Looking at last week for example, man I had SUCH bad moments. I thought it’d be fatal. And I got out, I don’t even know how! ‘Just’ enduring I think, but that is damn hard. Everything inside me feels like torture. Too much painful emotions (scared/anger/sad/agony). Which has a normal reaction to want to stop it.. And to be honest, how better than to kill yourself? I do want to say clearly; I really don’t think anyone should kill themselves! But I think it’s very logical that you might have the thoughts. Thinking of this week, and not even the rest of the year! (don’t even get me started on the month December!  😐 )This week, feels so hopeless. The excruciating feelings that come with the trigger/mood swings/flashbacks. ITS TOO MUCH. And then again the part of feeling all alone in this. No one to sit next to me and hold my hand.

Isn’t it extremely logical to think about killing yourself? I am not suicidal, but I have suicidal thoughts. Just not the desire to take action. But I am afraid, that in the moment of crisis, I will take action. Since I can not think clearly and have no one near me to wake me up or remind me.

Well I guess a good thing is to remember I got through the moments. I got through the feelings. I’m still here, I’m breathing, my heart is beating. I’m typing this. I am okay now. I will get through this week. I will. And after that, I’ll get through the next one. I AM strong enough. I survived the trauma, I will survive the aftermath.

What to do? I don’t even know. I’d suggest finding help from a professional, and find yourself some distraction. That’s where my knowledge ends. But I guess my faith remains, faith in me, faith in you, faith in recovery. I don’t care how small the flame is.. as long as it’s burning, I’ll be fighting. (Lol, if someone would tell me that in a crisis I’d probably yell at that person :/ ‘shut up, that’s stupid, this can’t be survived, my life is ruined forever. I must kill myself’ and just thoughts and stuff like that come out. But please hang on.. don’t give up on me.. or on others. Now I am more clear than when I’d be in a crisis (overwhelmed with the horrible feelings), so I guess what I say now, makes more sense than what I’d say then.

I don’t really know where I want to go with this blog post. I guess just explaining how much truth there was in those words Katherine said.

It’s 1 am here, and I am tired. That’s a good sign. Hope I’ll be asleep before 4 (and if I’m lucky maybe even 3) am this time!

xoxo
Brianna

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “My worst enemy; CPTSD a.k.a myself?

  1. Brianna, I am sitting next to you holding your hand. Sorry if I squeeze a bit, I need your hand to hold today. Yesterday was really bad for me – YET another memory surfacing. It means a lot to me that you heard my words so clearly, and I am grateful you thought so much of them to quote me here. That’s a first! And yes, heart beating, one more breath, that’s a big ME TOO. Thanks for helping me feel like my experience actually does some good! I’m gonna pop over to my own blog and vent out some stuff…..Rock On!

    • Hi Katherine,
      It’s really okay. Take my hand 🙂 !
      It really helps me (and I’m sure others as well) to see I’m not the only one struggling, and seeing you (and others) hold on, makes me hold on.
      Good that youre going to vent some stuff out!
      Take care!!

Feel free to leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s