Shame

Hi..

I am a little ashamed for my explosion yesterday, or anyway the post before this one.
Not doing that great actually, today was ok. Ok as in I only cried once today.

Tomorrow I’m going to a meeting. I’m gonna see some people who have self harm issue’s as well.

I don’t even know what to type, I’m just down I guess. I don’t want to talk. At this point I am kinda wishing someone was sitting next to me on the couch, just having fun, watching the Voice of Holland and just laughing, commenting, sharing opinions, shouting because the person we/I/she/he like(s) isn’t going through and stuff like that.

Sometimes saying sorry doesn’t mean things will go back to the way they were, it just means you wish they did.
To be honest, I didn’t see this coming, this amount of pain, I can keep pretending it’s not here and I don’t miss anything at all. But the truth is, the only thing I’m sure of, is that it’s here and I do. I feel like a bitch, a nagging bitch, who made her own bed and should lie in it. But I never meant to make the bed like this, I really didn’t. The silence around me is lancinating, the emptiness I see makes my eyes tear, but knowing it will never be filled by YOU, makes me want to die.

I guess I’ll be okay, but maybe just not today?

xoxo
Brianna

Arghh

Hi,

Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem

THAT STUPID GIRL WAS BLABBING STUFF ABOUT HOW SHE COULDN’T HANDLE HEARING ABOUT MY PAST AND STUFF BECAUSE IT HURT HER SO BAD.

and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME. Unlike you 
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have  FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size zero) WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me  ‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.

 

MY HEART IS BROKEN.

Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);
http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/11/21/childhood-trauma-and-obsessive-love-disorder/

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.

Brianna

That’s what friends are for

Hi,

A thankful moment!

I’m alone at christmas + new years.

My bestie as well as my sister has invited me to spend it with them (my sister with her fiance and my bestie with her and her family) ❤
That is só sweet! I am really touched by it. That they care so much about me spending the holiday’s alone.
I am not that scared of the holiday’s.. I’ll just make my own tradition I guess.. me and the cats 😉
I know I get my grandmothers old decorations so I can decorate the house a little. Buy something special for the cats to eat. It’ll be ok 🙂 !

But it’s so nice to know I am welcome at their place ❤

xoxo
Brianna

 

Tears wash your soul?

Hiya,

A long time no writing.
Yeah, I had pretty hectic days. A lot of emotions. Still do, but I want to write something. Just get things off my chest.

Therapy wise is probably the best for me not to talk about right now.. just to stall it to monday.

Loneliness is still a big part of my life. I do make a little more contact, like when I go outside, I brush my hair, put on some make-up +earrings. So when someone does recognize me, I don’t need to feel ashamed of being outside while looking sick or something.

The past week every night ended in me crying, waking up with ugly swollen eyes.
Broke down in front of Polly as well.

My mum has been here every night the past week, I’m really feeling low and down. Though I have my good moments as well! But the thing that reminds me the most is just the tears, a lot of tears.

Right now my mums kitten is here with me. He’s staying till Sunday cause my mum is going out-of-town tomorrow (Just realised this right now. out-of-town means she won’t be able to come over if I need to!!!! SHIT!) so he’s with me. Baby girl is pretty angry at him, baby boy is ok. And the kitten is very afraid. He did hide a lot around my mum, but she left like an hour ago, so now he doesn’t really seem to know what to do. Poor thing 😦 wish I could tell him she’s coming back for him sunday. And that he’s save and okay with me/here.

I feel a little stuck. But I do feel ok.
I don’t even know what I’m writing, like, I’m just blabbing.

It just feels to dangerous to go into detail about therapy for example, which has a big part in my head right now, because I’m afraid it’ll trigger a major reaction.
Right now, just keep going without feeling. Gonna focus on kitten feeling save here.

And just trying to express my feelings with quotes + songs + pictures =) that usually calms me down. Like there is a way to let the things out I want to say, but I just don’t know how. But with the quote/picture/song I do..

So here are a few;

When you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time. ~ Simon Birch

Since you’ve been gone… Every morning when I get out of bed, I look into the mirror hoping to find my smile. But as usual, no smile. I look and I look, but it’s nowhere to be found.
I keep my eyes peeled wherever I go, but still no luck. When I try to think just where it might be… I can’t help but wonder.. if maybe you know where I left my smile,
’cause the last time I saw it, I was with you.

Don’t want to leave,
but we both know
Sometimes its better to go
Somehow I know we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when
You’re in my heart, so until then
Wanna smile, wanna cry
Saying Goodbye ~ Muppets Take Manhattan

Good-Bye is an easy word to say but try saying it to a friend. If I never knew you, I’d be safe, but half as real, never knowing I could feel.~Pocahontas

I miss you like hell
Even though you’re still around
The fact you don’t want to talk
Makes me go insane with the pain
I feel inside my chest
Gasping for some air
I know will hurt when I breathe
Because every breath reminds me..
I can’t live without you

I just wish the people who left, were still around. Well actually it’s just 3 people. But I miss them so much. (Oh, here come the tears)

After a while you learn to live half alive, until something reminds you of the part that is missing, and then it’s like I can feel myself living half.. like there is this huge part missing, and nobody is able to live with half of their body, it just not possible. It’s like I’m dying, slowly, but surely. The pain eats me up alive. (And I AM well aware that with my moodswings, within an hour, or maybe just 15 or 30 minutes, I can feel like the happiest girl in the world. But that really doesn’t make this any less painful right now)

I don’t really know where I’m going. It does feel like people will think I’m exaggerating and being a drama queen. But isn’t a part of the cptsd/moodswings that every little thing feels 10 times more intense?
I don’t know who measured that

Anyway, feels like a lame-ass post. But I’ll post it anyway.

To sum it up; I feel a little bit lost without you & I’m a bloody big mess inside 

xoxo
Brianna

Too much love will kill you..

.. just as sure as none at all

Hello,

I am not unstable, I am ‘just’ intense sad.
Therapy went ok, but got triggered somewhere before lunch and since then I’ve been sad.

It’s weird, there I had a good weekend, and now that I’m feeling better and got the strength again to fight up against everything I realize how lonely I am.

In the cab home I send Sander a message on Facebook (private) and just let out my true feelings and thoughts because I was about to cry like a baby.
sometimes.. well all the time I am scared by the knowledge the only person around is my mother. Of course she loves me! But that comes like in the standardpackage (of course not for a LOT of other children/adults with childhood trauma.. I’m sorry if I trigger any of you by saying this), so yeah my mum loves me, because she has to. Nobody else seems to maintain being around me for a while. I KNOW I can be a handful, I really do, but I am a human too and I need to be loved. I remember so much times of me just laughing my ass off because I was having so much fun. How come other people remember me draining them?

Just to be clear, I am not mad at the people who left, as I said a while earlier, I understand how everything can get too much.
But what does the world expect from me? How can I get ‘better’ when I am not being loved and not experiencing things like that to make me hold on.

I don’t even want a friend I can talk to about everything. And just discuss how miserable my life is/was. No, I just want someone to do stuff with, listen to music and watch movies, just chit-chat and laugh, but it can be ok for me to break down sometimes, and I don’t need anything more than a hug or just a hand holding mine to make sure I know that person is there and not leaving. Like just give me a hug and put on another song and lets just go look at 9gag pictures. I’ll talk in therapy about what’s going on in my head.
I feel like begging someone to come and spend time with me. I feel really lonely and unloved.

I wish I was an einzelganger, then I wouldn’t have that much trouble with not having social contact.
Sometimes when I meet people they have strong thoughts about stuff. Like, I smoke. But I hardly know other people who do. I am totally OK with smoking outside and when someone is at my place and don’t like my smoking (like my sister), I’ll go outside as well. But then I sometimes see this people who are very strongly anti-smoking. I feel like apologizing for my smoking and like I can’t complain of not having friends, since I smoke.

I wish that there was just someone, who I could spend an evening with, watching a movie and just laughing or talking about the movie.

Feel like I’m nagging in my whole blog about this loneliness but I guess it’s a very big part and issue for me.
So what I wanted to say.. I need people around as bad as any other human being. I just don’t think it’s ‘fair’ for me to not really have that, since I’m a  ‘difficult person’.
I also get SO annoyed by people saying ‘everyone has their difficulties’ well… DUH, but I can’t see anyone else sitting alone every damn day! So don’t tell me it’s just something everyone has. Because I am the one who never see’s anyone but my mum and therapy.
I am not here at this moment to aim for a life without difficulties. I know it’s not possible. But I just wish there was some contact. Leave the difficult stuff at therapy, but I can’t promise to never break down in tears, or just get sad without a clear reason.. cause really.. someone just sitting next to me and not running away, means the world.

It will drain the power that’s in you
Make you bleed and scream and crawl.
The pain will make you crazy
Youre the victim of your crime

xoxo
Brianna

How CPTSD feels to me

IMG_5687
(
as far as I know these pictures were free to use, if not, feel free to contact me & I’ll remove it!)

I put this collage together with pictures from google, which is a good description to me about how (c)PTSD feels to me.

Pills (to numb everything), loneliness (walking alone, no people around you who understand you, labelled as mental, psychiatric patient, being an outcast), sadness (crying because the pain feels unbearable and rips you apart from the inside), broken (feeling broken, unfixable) and scared (childish fears).

It all seems negative, which it maybe is, but it’s also true in how I feel sometimes

But I do want to put the opposite here as well.

Pills to numb feels good, but we don’t need to. We ARE strong enough to hold our head above the water when every feeling washes over us.
Loneliness, yeah there aren’t much people who understand us. But not much means there are STILL people! Thank you WordPress and Twitter for bringing me in contact with these people, for those people to inspire me to hold on, and to those people to show me it does get better. And there are also people who TRY to understand, and try to help you where they can (though WE must do most of the work)
Sadness, it IS sad. It IS painful. It IS ok to cry about that. To grieve. But don’t forget we ARE strong enough to keep our head above the water! The pain does not define us.
Broken, we’re not broken, we are BENT and we CAN learn to love again (Pink – Just give me a reason 😉 ) it IS true. CPTSD IS treatable. And you can live a worthy life after/ the (c)ptsd. (or when you work on stabalizisation) with (c)ptsd
Scared, its OK to be scared. It’s ok to be alert. But don’t let childish fears (and by childish i don’t mean childish as in silly, but childish as in the fears you had when you were a child which WERE rightful and correct. You are older, stronger now. You ARE in control now. Take the control over your own life.
We HAVE a right to exist!

HOPE
I wont give up on us!
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up.

Cause even the stars, they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I am here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

I wont give up on us.
Ps. The glee cover of this song is my favourite! (Glee – I wont give up on us) 

By the way, this doesn’t mean I am doing perfect/good/the best. I am still in my process of recovering, and dealing/walking and falling down. But there’s nothing wrong with some positivity every now and then right? 🙂

Big hug to you all! 🙂
And one extra to you Justeramaajarvi!

xoxo
Brianna

Loneliness

Hello,

I guess I’ll just mix lyrics here, quotes and me talking. It might be a bit confusing. Basically it means; I’m lonely.

I wish there was a store where I could go get some friends. I’ve lived in this town for 4 years and I do not have one friend here. It took 3,5 years to find Abraham, and yep, he ran away. I had some silly school friends (2) but that never felt ok. So when I quit school, they quit me, haha. I AM LONELY. Everybody is happy about the weekend, and me? Nope, just 3 days of doing nothing, eating out of my nose, and seeing nothing but these stupid walls. Am I not worthy of friendship? Whenever someone lives close and I am able to see them more often, they get fed up with me.
People always leave, cause I am never good enough
On Facebook for instance, did you know, when I have a like or comment, its most likely from my mother?

Run your fingers through my soul. Feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine & for once, just once.. understand.

The people who I can contact, are mostly the people who want something. By something I mean something sexual (and of course not respecting my boundaries). I refuse to go with that just to have someone around! I deserve a normal friendship!

I’m alright, I’m okay.. it only hurts when I breathe.

I can not seem to reach you, although your so close now. 

Everytime I think of you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

I feel really stupid and like a failure, don’t tell me I’m not, because i am the one with no friends. It’s like I’m toxic, whenever you’re too close to me for too long, you have to run away or you’ll get it too.

I HAD this friend, (the one who pushed me toward Betty once, remember?), but he has autism and a low IQ, nothing wrong with that. But we do conflict a lot. I just can’t anymore. I feel like he’s manipulating me sometimes, but he doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I guess he can’t, but… sigh… it takes so much energy. Correcting him. And when I feel bad or something like that, he’ll never be reasonable.
When he pushed me towards Betty, It didn’t matter at that time though, it was because I was planning to commit suicide, but he didn’t want me to, because I was the only one he still had. He’d be alone after that. It was ok for me to commit since I’ve tried so much therapy yet and stuff, but just wait till he finds someone else….. (Well then it didn’t bother me, but now I’m like; SERIOUSLY?)  I guess he’s a little selfish, but I’m sick of sticking up with it. I know he can’t help it, but I just can’t be the bigger person all the time, I don’t even want to, to be honest. Not constantly. Because there’s no sympathy for me in return when I feel bad… I know I’m maybe selfish as well.. maybe that’s why everyone leaves?

I know it takes time to make friends, I really do. So if I magically meet someone tomorrow, maybe by a year he/she and I would be good friends. HELLO, I CANT WAIT A YEAR! Plus the question always comes up ‘what do you do?’ yeah, I’m in therapy. So there goes chance number 1 to run off. If they aren’t already repelled by me.
I’m also the kind that rushes into stuff. Someone is either the best, or the worst.

It hurts me more than you know & so much more than it shows

I may have made it rain.. please forgive me.
My weakness caused you pain & this song is my sorry.

I never meant to start a war.
All I wanted was you to let me in.
All you ever did was wreck me.

don’t get me wrong, I am truly blessed for my best friend. She is the bestest friend I could wish for. I can contact her anytime I want, 24/7, I know she’ll be there for me. ❤
But…. (I feel guilty for saying but 😦 ) I do feel I need to have social interaction face-to-face, not just over the phone. It’s just different. However, I know I can lean on her, even if it’s over the phone and I am very glad for that!

What can you do, when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down.

My best intentions keep making a mess of things.
I just want to fix it somehow..
But how many times will it take? How many times will it take for me..
To get it right.

I’m looking for love, in the heart of every (wo)man,

Why am I not good enough? Why am I ‘too complicated’? Dont I deserve friendship and love? Am I so hideous? Why can’t I just act normal? Please let me act normal, let me be normal, let me be one of them.

Please..

xoxo
Brianna