Windless

Hi,

I think it’s fair to say I spend the last 3 days in crisis. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. A lot of tears, pain, triggers, and pills came with. I desperately tried to keep my head above the water by just grabbing pills and numbing myself, by calling Polly and asking for her help. Calling my mother. Brandon..
Today I think I’m out. I think I’m ok, I think I made it through.

I have only cried once today, which is pretty normal for me. I actually laughed and played some music. Went outside, fed myself etc.

I am so so so sorry for nagging, and I don’t want to be ungrateful, or someone who always has something to complain about. Right now I’m experiencing a lot of loneliness again. To be honest, I am amazed by the fact I got through this horrific crisis without any self harm. No cutting, no overdose, no suicide attempt. I kinda want to scream it out at Abraham just to have him tell me how proud he is.

I have noticed myself sometimes saying ‘I want Abraham’, as Justy explained to me, sometimes due to childhood trauma, feelings can be something weird. Not really recognized. But people are. I can’t deny that. What I, and a lot of other people, do/did, I matched Abraham to a feeling of safety. So when I say ‘I want Abraham’ I might just be saying I want to feel save.
Right now, I do want Abraham, but I feel save, so I know I want the company, the laughter, the smiles and giggles.
I know that ‘I want Abraham’ has 2 meanings, safety or actually Abraham him-self.

I’m out of this crisis storm and just ready to get back up on my feet. Don’t want to take everything too quick, but want to leave this nasty feeling behind me.
I decided and sorted some things out on the internet, I do not have the money to finish my high school properly in a normal way ( like High School for adults 😉 ), so it’ll probably be a home study, but, let’s be honest, things like Biology and German are not really things that are easy for me so I’ll have to find a tutor for that.
In the mean time I can do volunteer work and make sure I’m still surrounded by people and not rotting away on my couch. 😉

So that’s my plan and I’m pretty confident about it right now 🙂
I hope there’s some sort of financial support that I can get, because my mum and I literally are squeezing ourselves into corners to just have everything go smoothly.
But finishing school and having my diploma can get me into the University for studying and then work sooo in the end it has to be worth it.

xoxo
Brianna

What a day! (Positive)

Hi!

What a day.
I did wake up kinda late, but I had enough sleep and felt really rested. (late as in; 3 pm)

I had a few things to do, first of all I wrote an email to my counselor about going back to school, I do want to find something small to start with.

After that I searched the internet for volunteers work and I found some options!! So I think I’m gonna mail tomorrow about the possibilities.

And then after that, (my mum found me some site’s to get some girlfriends… lame I know.. I’m in my 20’s and my mum needs to help me find friends, anyway) I searched some internet site’s for friendship (girls only) and found some nice things 🙂

I feel really good about today 🙂 Did some very productive things!
Glad that’s still possible!

xoxo
Brianna

The monday I have been stressing about

Hi!

Well I had very much trouble sleeping. Fell asleep about 3.30 am. But I’m glad that I had the talk om 09.00 because it went very well!
I kinda forgot the whole talk, but I do remember it went well and that she will discuss with H. about me moving to her and she was ok with it. That was for me the most important thing!

Therapy went very well!!!
I was very chatty, like in a good mood, and fully motivated for everything so I did feel good about the day 🙂 !

I do have a lot that went through my mind again, but I’ll write that in another blog post because it’s gonna be a long one about me just thinking about stuff and writing it down.

But my day went very well!

I feel excited about telling Polly about it, hihi, she’s gonna be proud 😀

xoxo
Brianna

Good evening!

Hello,

I had a good evening actually. Didn’t do much special. My mums cat is here, since she’s out-of-town. He’s doing well today! Not as shy anymore, and playing around (Being annoying 😉 )  even broke some stuff already.. sigh 😉

I sang a LOT! 😛 And recorded some stuff haha. I like doing that.. I don’t know why. Sometimes I like singing the song and recording it because I feel my own emotions in it and I obviously know what emotions I’m feeling and/or what situation I’m thinking.

I was chatting a bit on internet as well, was fun, just random talking 🙂 good distraction and made me laugh a couple of times.

I have good hopes for the night and tomorrow. Tomorrow my mums cat is going home again, I think I’ll miss him. He’s really active, but sometimes it’s nice to have a real cat around the house. Mine are really lazy. Although, that might be the real cat attitude 😛

So about to go to bed. Watch something on the laptop and just relaxing till I fall asleep.

I’m doing good! Only cried once today! Which is a huge progress haha. Of course crying isn’t that bad, but crying because of loneliness gets annoying 😉 like; I know I’m lonely, no need to remind me.

But this evening I didn’t feel lonely. Felt like a normal evening, with myself and some internet/phone contact. I did ignore the fact that it’s a saturday evening/night and people my age are probably out in the town. However, everybody lives their life the way they can. And right now, I’m satisfied with mine 🙂 it’s ok for now.

xoxo
Brianna

I’m good

Hi!

It’s really a weird week and everything.
Anyway, right now and today I have been very good actually. I feel so good I’m almost like; I don’t have CPTSD…. I’m normal.
I feel like I’m burning through the skies.. 200 degrees, that’s why they call me Misses Fahrenheit.. I’m traveling at the speed of light 😉
No.. seriously, I am doing really good.
‘Can’t wait’ for therapy tomorrow, back to the save and nice environment there. I don’t really have that much to say.

I’m doing real good. I feel good. I feel I can take on the whole world.
Like nothing can stop me (and a little voice called ‘Rational’ tells me every little thing can stop me).
Tomorrow will be a short day at therapy, I have no individual talks and stuff.

I feel good. Oh damn! Baby boy needs his medicine!
This is so irritating 😛 , it’s hard enough to remember my own medication, and baby boy needs 2 in one day.

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy, feeling good. Not thinking too much. I do realize everything that has happened in the past week, and the things I thought and felt, so I do remember that, but it’s like there’s an invisible glass between me and those feelings/thoughts so.. I know they’re there, I just can’t think/feel them. To be honest, I’m ok with that!

So I’m just gonna enjoy my evening. & be happy.

xoxo
Brianna

How CPTSD feels to me

(as far as I know these pictures were free to use, if not, feel free to contact me & I’ll remove it!)

I put this collage together with pictures from google, which is a good description to me about how (c)PTSD feels to me.

Pills (to numb everything), loneliness (walking alone, no people around you who understand you, labelled as mental, psychiatric patient, being an outcast), sadness (crying because the pain feels unbearable and rips you apart from the inside), broken (feeling broken, unfixable) and scared (childish fears).

It all seems negative, which it maybe is, but it’s also true in how I feel sometimes

But I do want to put the opposite here as well.

Pills to numb feels good, but we don’t need to. We ARE strong enough to hold our head above the water when every feeling washes over us.
Loneliness, yeah there aren’t much people who understand us. But not much means there are STILL people! Thank you WordPress and Twitter for bringing me in contact with these people, for those people to inspire me to hold on, and to those people to show me it does get better. And there are also people who TRY to understand, and try to help you where they can (though WE must do most of the work)
Sadness, it IS sad. It IS painful. It IS ok to cry about that. To grieve. But don’t forget we ARE strong enough to keep our head above the water! The pain does not define us.
Broken, we’re not broken, we are BENT and we CAN learn to love again (Pink – Just give me a reason 😉 ) it IS true. CPTSD IS treatable. And you can live a worthy life after/ the (c)ptsd. (or when you work on stabalizisation) with (c)ptsd
Scared, its OK to be scared. It’s ok to be alert. But don’t let childish fears (and by childish i don’t mean childish as in silly, but childish as in the fears you had when you were a child which WERE rightful and correct. You are older, stronger now. You ARE in control now. Take the control over your own life.
We HAVE a right to exist!

I wont give up on us!
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up.

Cause even the stars, they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I am here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

I wont give up on us.
Ps. The glee cover of this song is my favourite! (Glee – I wont give up on us) 

By the way, this doesn’t mean I am doing perfect/good/the best. I am still in my process of recovering, and dealing/walking and falling down. But there’s nothing wrong with some positivity every now and then right? 🙂

Big hug to you all! 🙂
And one extra to you Justeramaajarvi!

xoxo
Brianna

Cleaning Tuesday!

Hello everyone!

I had a very good sleep, I guess I slept about 12 hours, deep and without waking up.

Then I called the centre where I go for treatment and asked if Betty could call me back. She did, and she said she wasn’t directly alarmed about the whole mess in my head/dissociation, but she thought it was concerning that I was dissociating so much again (last time it was so frequently, it was when Abraham was in my life). But she assured me she isn’t going to ship me off without any good reasons for it. She did make a note about the dissociation and the Brenda/Peter stuff, but she said it wasn’t an  ‘OH MY GOD’ situation where she felt she had to do something directly.
She said I sounded good over the phone and that I had handled it well yesterday. I did cry a little in our talk yesterday and she said it was good that I could let my emotion out, and she could see that things did hurt me. She gets to see the angry me a lot lately, but not the sad part of me.

Then I just went on with my new tradition. Clean-your-house Tuesday! Haha, i just spent an hour cleaning. But it wasn’t about the time, I just wanted everything to be clean. When I was younger and I cleaned I was like ‘ok, how can I do this, as quick as possible?’ Now I’m more like ‘how can I do this as clean as possible? I don’t care how long it takes’. So everything is clean again. I’m not satisfied with the dust in my house, but my sister is giving me tips about that. And she just explained to me how to clean the shower. Which things to use (I have to buy those friday while grocery shopping) and how to clean. So sweet of her 🙂
I feel more in control of my life and house right now. I am able to keep things clean and livable. I’m proud of that!

I do have to do my laundry, but the dishwasher is running now so I can’t turn on the washing machine, they go on the same switch-plug. I’m afraid I’ll get a big BOOM when I put both of them on 😛
So I’m going to try to do that tonight. So maybe I can have fresh clothes on thursday 🙂

What a beautiful day today!
I’m feeling good, my house looks good, my cats are doing good. 🙂
I feel like I have new strength and am able to fight and work through things again.

xoxo
Brianna

I want to take a moment and say ‘thank you’

Hi everyone,

Well its 21.30 pm now.
I had a perfect day!!!!! 🙂
It may seem weird to use the word ‘perfect’, but it doesn’t mean that I felt 100% happy all the time. It just that I realized how blessed I am. The things I can. Really realizing it, feeling strong enough to see it, sun was shining outside, but in me as well!
I am able to clean my house on my own. I do have help at home, 2 times a week. I have therapy 2 times a week. I have the best, best friend a person could wish for. I have my own house. Two wonderful and beautiful cats who love me very much. I’ve got a wonderful sister who loves me so much, and even asked me to be her best man (woman?) on her wedding! I have a mum who loves me and supports me the best she can right now. I do have an income. I have a lovely home which feels save, in a save neighbourhood. I get to go to therapy with a taxi.
What a list! I’m thankful for everything right now. It doesn’t mean when I’m sad I’m not thankful, but that just means everything is so hard and I’m feeling like i can’t do this alone and stuff. But I do want to remind myself of what I have and cherish it 🙂 Because it’s never certain you have those things.

It seems weird, but I really want to thank God for having these things.

I did have some down moments this afternoon/evening. Of course my best friend knows my ins and outs and I know hers, so we also talked about that. It made me sad a little, but I’m glad we have the kind of friendship, where we pull eachother up, and not down. Whem I’m feeling down, and she contacts me. I am positive for her. Because I KNOW she will make it. I know she will work through it. i’m realistic and honest with her, but I have faith in her. & She has the same in me. We understand each other, because we’ve been through the same.
I didn’t let the down moments ruin my day, because I believe in myself. I’m confident. I know I have to watch out for the pitfalls (like right now, I’m getting VERY tired, and I can feel my mood falling down, so I started to think why, but I felt it in my whole body, I’m tired, not just sleepy but really not much energy left) and act on them. So I’m going to go to bed now (sleep with my security blanket (and of course one of the cats will come with (it’s like they take shifts :P))). Tomorrow will be a full day of therapy again + a talk with Brandon. So I’ll be there till 4 pm!

xoxo
Brianna

A little confused

Hello,

Well not to be arrogant or something like that, but I really thought I was doing well lately, I still do.
However, tonight I fell hard. I guess somewhere I must have denied the thought of me having (c)ptsd and that it might all be over since I’m doing so well.

I have thought about EMDR and I didn’t want to do that anymore, I was doing soooo good, haha.
The thoughts about me blaming my mum so much and not my dad has puzzled me as well. I figured out when I think of my dad, all I feel is fear. Kinda makes me think he still has control over me. When I think about my mum, I get angry or feel sorry for her (either way, I do love her). But I was like ‘ohhhh that ok, we can leave it like that’.

All stuff like that, well tonight I had a trigger (i didn’t know it was a trigger, of course I knew it might be, but I thought I somehow got passed it (magically 😉 ). Just when I noticed it didn’t feel ok, I stopped and then I felt flabbergasted, like ‘what did just happen?’ and I must have looked around for 10 seconds like that and then I just started crying. It all came out, With flashes going through my head. Instantly I thought ‘ABRAHAM!’, everything in me wanted to call him and just have him hug me and comfort me.  Of course directly after thinking ‘Abraham’, I knew, he’s not there anymore. So that made me cry even harder.
I do feel like I’ve fallen down, though I’m standing up right now. I feel confused, ‘what did just happen?’ And sort of bummed, it feels like ptsd slapped me in the face, like ‘Hi bitch, I’m still here!!!!’ So I do feel like I’m walking again, slowly but I’m walking and trying to figure out what happened. I don’t feel sad about it to be honest… Maybe I pushed the feeling away?

By the way, I did email Abraham Wednesday (I think), he never answered, though he still is my friend on Facebook. I’m confused by it, but I’m okay with it. Now I know I did try to reach out to him, he didn’t respond, which is (to be honest) a little disappointing, but now I know what I’m in for. I would love to talk to him, but I know I can manage just fine without. I also feel like that is an improvement, because contact with him would be something extra and not necessary, just a welcome extra. Well its too bad it’s not there, but no biggie.
(For the record, I send an email asking how he was doing, nothing about myself, so I don’t feel like I could’ve pressured him)

Well, gonna sleep soon. Decide which movie I’m gonna watch in bed and just relax 🙂 !

xoxo
Brianna

It’s a bumpy road sometimes

Hello,

I want to be a positive blog, but then I thought, positivity is about honesty right?
So to be honest; I’m not feeling that well right now. Just since an hour or so.

Its ok, I’m still stable. It’s just that I’m feeling sad. Feel like cutting I wont though, it won’t help. Well maybe now, but not tomorrow. The best thing to do is to go through this in a healthy way.
Back to the honesty thing, I do think it’s okay for me to feel like this right now. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong, it’s understandable and okay. I know I’ll get back on my feet again, maybe even tomorrow, and if not, the day is full of chances to stand back up again. But its important for me now to see my pain, understand the pain, give it the attention it needs, but not to drown in it. I will be fine, I know I will.
It was about honesty right? So yeah, I’m honest, and I think its positive because life is full op ups and downs, and I guess while you’re dealing with (c)ptsd the downs can feel/be a lot deeper, but i/we will get through those as well.

Should I type more? I don’t know.. I feel like it, but I don’t want to go in to deep, might trigger me. Or am I avoiding stuff like that?
I’ll give it a try. I’m not having any images, but I feel a lot. I don’t feel someone touching me, but I feel the effect of someone touching me. What the hell is that? A flashback? I don’t even know if there’s a name for this. In Dutch they have two words; flashback (same as in English) and ‘herbeleving’, google translates it as ‘reliving’. I don’t think its ‘reliving’ because I can see my environment, I am typing this, and it is 2013. But my feelings don’t match. It’s not a flash of feelings, its constant.
Well it doesn’t matter what it’s called, I know it will go over.

I’m already in bed now. Trying to create a save place for myself.
Feel like crying, maybe I should.

It will be okay though, I know it will. Just having a little bump in the road. No worries, I know how to lift my feet the right way. (& even if I didn’t, or you didn’t, its ok, you can stand up and try to move forward again.)

xoxo
Brianna