Windless

Hi,

I think it’s fair to say I spend the last 3 days in crisis. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. A lot of tears, pain, triggers, and pills came with. I desperately tried to keep my head above the water by just grabbing pills and numbing myself, by calling Polly and asking for her help. Calling my mother. Brandon..
Today I think I’m out. I think I’m ok, I think I made it through.

I have only cried once today, which is pretty normal for me. I actually laughed and played some music. Went outside, fed myself etc.

I am so so so sorry for nagging, and I don’t want to be ungrateful, or someone who always has something to complain about. Right now I’m experiencing a lot of loneliness again. To be honest, I am amazed by the fact I got through this horrific crisis without any self harm. No cutting, no overdose, no suicide attempt. I kinda want to scream it out at Abraham just to have him tell me how proud he is.

I have noticed myself sometimes saying ‘I want Abraham’, as Justy explained to me, sometimes due to childhood trauma, feelings can be something weird. Not really recognized. But people are. I can’t deny that. What I, and a lot of other people, do/did, I matched Abraham to a feeling of safety. So when I say ‘I want Abraham’ I might just be saying I want to feel save.
Right now, I do want Abraham, but I feel save, so I know I want the company, the laughter, the smiles and giggles.
I know that ‘I want Abraham’ has 2 meanings, safety or actually Abraham him-self.

I’m out of this crisis storm and just ready to get back up on my feet. Don’t want to take everything too quick, but want to leave this nasty feeling behind me.
I decided and sorted some things out on the internet, I do not have the money to finish my high school properly in a normal way ( like High School for adults 😉 ), so it’ll probably be a home study, but, let’s be honest, things like Biology and German are not really things that are easy for me so I’ll have to find a tutor for that.
In the mean time I can do volunteer work and make sure I’m still surrounded by people and not rotting away on my couch. 😉

So that’s my plan and I’m pretty confident about it right now 🙂
I hope there’s some sort of financial support that I can get, because my mum and I literally are squeezing ourselves into corners to just have everything go smoothly.
But finishing school and having my diploma can get me into the University for studying and then work sooo in the end it has to be worth it.

xoxo
Brianna

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10 thoughts on “Windless

  1. Hey, I went through crisis almost exactly the same time, though I was mostly out of it yesterday. We need to acknowledge when we do good and don’t self harm and all that. I’m not sure who Abraham is to you, because I haven’t been following your blog for very long but I have some voices/coping mechanisms that keep me company, although they annoy me often. Sometimes they are companions and other times they serve other purposes, mostly positive. I think it’s common to have something that serves multiple purposes.
    BTW: I e-mailed you the password for the protected posts on my blog.

    • Hi! 🙂 Thanks for your comment.
      Abraham was/is a friend of mine who took really good care of me last year, the first man/guy ever who treated me with respect and made me feel save. I was doing real bad and it got too much for him (he was the only person around me at some point), when I was doing a little better he kinda ran for the hills. I don’t blame him, but I miss him like a piece of my body is missing. I do have contact with him again, but it’s really light and very little. But I’m thankful beyond words that atleast I’m having contact with him 🙂 !!
      I got the email, thanks!

  2. You want your education so badly that you WILL make it happen 🙂 Let me tell you–highs chool is overrated. I got my GED(did NO hs)and went to college. They don’t care about it. Use your funds for something that matters-like college. (courses for ged are free. You are doing/thinking in some really positive ways 🙂

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