A little confused

Hello,

Well not to be arrogant or something like that, but I really thought I was doing well lately, I still do.
However, tonight I fell hard. I guess somewhere I must have denied the thought of me having (c)ptsd and that it might all be over since I’m doing so well.

I have thought about EMDR and I didn’t want to do that anymore, I was doing soooo good, haha.
The thoughts about me blaming my mum so much and not my dad has puzzled me as well. I figured out when I think of my dad, all I feel is fear. Kinda makes me think he still has control over me. When I think about my mum, I get angry or feel sorry for her (either way, I do love her). But I was like ‘ohhhh that ok, we can leave it like that’.

All stuff like that, well tonight I had a trigger (i didn’t know it was a trigger, of course I knew it might be, but I thought I somehow got passed it (magically πŸ˜‰ ). Just when I noticed it didn’t feel ok, I stopped and then I felt flabbergasted, like ‘what did just happen?’ and I must have looked around for 10 seconds like that and then I just started crying. It all came out, With flashes going through my head. Instantly I thought ‘ABRAHAM!’, everything in me wanted to call him and just have him hug me and comfort me. Β Of course directly after thinking ‘Abraham’, I knew, he’s not there anymore. So that made me cry even harder.
I do feel like I’ve fallen down, though I’m standing up right now. I feel confused, ‘what did just happen?’ And sort of bummed, it feels like ptsd slapped me in the face, like ‘Hi bitch, I’m still here!!!!’ So I do feel like I’m walking again, slowly but I’m walking and trying to figure out what happened. I don’t feel sad about it to be honest… Maybe I pushed the feeling away?

By the way, I did email Abraham Wednesday (I think), he never answered, though he still is my friend on Facebook. I’m confused by it, but I’m okay with it. Now I know I did try to reach out to him, he didn’t respond, which is (to be honest) a little disappointing, but now I know what I’m in for. I would love to talk to him, but I know I can manage just fine without. I also feel like that is an improvement, because contact with him would be something extra and not necessary, just a welcome extra. Well its too bad it’s not there, but no biggie.
(For the record, I send an email asking how he was doing, nothing about myself, so I don’t feel like I could’ve pressured him)

Well, gonna sleep soon. Decide which movie I’m gonna watch in bed and just relax πŸ™‚ !

xoxo
Brianna

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4 thoughts on “A little confused

  1. sorry for your troubles. It’s times like you had earlier, that can really be tough. Hang in there. Time heals all wounds, but just be positive. But always remember, cptsd won’t just go away. I am diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, which is hard, but I know it won’t go away so easily. Honestly, hang in there. You’ll get through it.

    • Thanks for your comment! You are right, I was naive, thinking I had passed through the cptsd. But its good that I can remain positive πŸ™‚
      I never heard of IED, I just googled it. Seems really hard 😦 You take care as well! We’ll all get through πŸ™‚ !

  2. Hi Bri =)

    I understand you’re feeling confused. That is ok. I can tell you this; maybe it helps:
    Picture it like this: When someone’s body is growing (around age 12 or so) and his/her limbs grow longer and stronger, he or she can experience having problems with balance. It takes some time to adjust to the growth. With mental growth it is exactly the same. You feel more stable, which makes you feel better about yourself. You have to adjust to that feeling. You need to find a new balance.

    You are growing in your healingproces, yet you are not better in means of recovered. But that’s ok. This growing already means that you are better then you were before. It also means that you won’t ever get so low as you have been in the past. Isn’t this very comforting.
    Don’t focus on the big things. They are to big to wrap your mind about anyway. Focus on the babysteps. It were the babysteps that brought you were you are now πŸ˜‰

    Take good care sweety

  3. Hi!
    Yeah that definetly helps! Seems like I’m learning how to work this new body (mindset) into daily activities?
    And you are (of course πŸ˜‰ ) right, its the baby steps that brought me here, so I wont focuss on the big (EMDR/anger mom/dad) stuff, just on the present πŸ™‚ Right now I’m doing ok and still living up to my nickname πŸ˜›
    You take care as well!
    Hugs

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