Well not to be arrogant or something like that, but I really thought I was doing well lately, I still do.
However, tonight I fell hard. I guess somewhere I must have denied the thought of me having (c)ptsd and that it might all be over since I’m doing so well.
I have thought about EMDR and I didn’t want to do that anymore, I was doing soooo good, haha.
The thoughts about me blaming my mum so much and not my dad has puzzled me as well. I figured out when I think of my dad, all I feel is fear. Kinda makes me think he still has control over me. When I think about my mum, I get angry or feel sorry for her (either way, I do love her). But I was like ‘ohhhh that ok, we can leave it like that’.
All stuff like that, well tonight I had a trigger (i didn’t know it was a trigger, of course I knew it might be, but I thought I somehow got passed it (magically 😉 ). Just when I noticed it didn’t feel ok, I stopped and then I felt flabbergasted, like ‘what did just happen?’ and I must have looked around for 10 seconds like that and then I just started crying. It all came out, With flashes going through my head. Instantly I thought ‘ABRAHAM!’, everything in me wanted to call him and just have him hug me and comfort me. Of course directly after thinking ‘Abraham’, I knew, he’s not there anymore. So that made me cry even harder.
I do feel like I’ve fallen down, though I’m standing up right now. I feel confused, ‘what did just happen?’ And sort of bummed, it feels like ptsd slapped me in the face, like ‘Hi bitch, I’m still here!!!!’ So I do feel like I’m walking again, slowly but I’m walking and trying to figure out what happened. I don’t feel sad about it to be honest… Maybe I pushed the feeling away?
By the way, I did email Abraham Wednesday (I think), he never answered, though he still is my friend on Facebook. I’m confused by it, but I’m okay with it. Now I know I did try to reach out to him, he didn’t respond, which is (to be honest) a little disappointing, but now I know what I’m in for. I would love to talk to him, but I know I can manage just fine without. I also feel like that is an improvement, because contact with him would be something extra and not necessary, just a welcome extra. Well its too bad it’s not there, but no biggie.
(For the record, I send an email asking how he was doing, nothing about myself, so I don’t feel like I could’ve pressured him)
Well, gonna sleep soon. Decide which movie I’m gonna watch in bed and just relax 🙂 !