Where is my life jacket?

I phoned with the therapist I emailed yesterday. I’m predicting I’ll phone her again tomorrow since I’m crying right now.

Today I got the OK from her to just zombie myself with oxazepam to deal with this. Basically and to be honest, there’s nothing to do against this kind of pain. And yep, it’s unbearable. So make it bearable with oxazepam.

I crawled back to bed and texted with Justy meanwhile I still felt like my inside was dying. My face was (and is) totally screwed up from all the crying. Suddenly Justy said; I’m coming over.

What a sweetheart ❤ it was definitely nice having her around. Although I do feel I was not much fun. I actually walked around with sunglasses because of my swollen eyes, but the cool wind outside did help a lot.

Right now she’s gone home and I’m on my couch again feeling like I’m dying bit by bit. It’s just never-ending nonsense! I really feel like calling that friend from yesterday (with whom I sat in the park) and just ask him to just hug me. Or for that matter even ask Brandon to just hold me. But I know I’ll never EVER do that with Brandon.

And to be honest, that friend and me have a whole history and the big question really is, is it smart for me to go ask him for help? Rationally I’d say; no.
But emotionally (instinctively > dying > instinct wants to live > anything to live) I’d say; yes.
Or maybe it’s just pain and it’s automatism to want to stop it directly. To me it’s a hug. Well whatever it is… it’s out of reach.

“You have to try to get those kind of things from yourself”

I can almost hear Brandon telling me that. But how the hell can I get comfort from myself, when all I can feel is this big ball of pain. How is there any comfort in that?

“Stop fighting it”

I’m not fighting it. It just hurts. It’s killing me.

Brandon, where are you?

Feeling blue


I’m predicting this post is going to be a big blur of me rambling about loneliness and thoughts around that. And I think it might be hard to follow.

So, I’m still feeling sick-ish. It’s not that hard anymore, but it’s still kicking me down. I’m still in bed all day and then it’s bearable. But… I’m lonely. I have the tendency to just keep busy. But with being sick and all, there’s not much energy (well feel free to say, no energy) left to do stuff. But I just want to do stuff and I don’t even care right now if it’s working all day and all night long. Just let me do something, anything but think. Anything but being lonely here.

I miss you. And I think we all know who I’m talking about, but right now I can’t bear to say his name. A part of me feels like the most stupidest whore on earth, for feeling like this. And just writing that down, the other part disappeared. The other part was probably a little more healthy but the Peter-like-thinking destroyed it temporarily. Well, that’s ok.

At this moment, I just don’t care. Just give me something to do. No, better yet. Make me do something. Force me.
I know that won’t work. Because Brenda will start screaming eventually because she’ll feel unsafe or need rest etc. and then I’ll collapse no matter what.
But I just feel like I just can’t just sit here on my bed thinking about ‘you’, and actually thinking to myself.. realizing this;

I want you near.
You don’t want near.
I can’t do anything about that.

It’s as simple as that. And no matter how simple that is, it’s so painful. Because I can’t look into your head. My expectations have to be low, lower than the ground. Nothing is clear and though it never was, now it seems worse.
I’m so upset. And who knows, maybe I’m a lot more in my child-mode than I realize right now, because when I force myself to look back at my post, it’s not very adult-thinking.. and when I force myself to look at the last month rationally for instance, I’ve been doing fine with the distance between me and you. And I was honestly okay with it. But right now, I’m falling to pieces, the distance is breaking me up. Time and patience seem like my worst enemy, but I think I’ve got an unreliable friend on my side who is far worse than time and/or patience.  I just don’t know what it is yet.


What do you want?


The last few days I’ve been very busy and didn’t really have time for the laptop.
Been a lot of out of the house and stuff and it was actually quite good.

Also took enough time for rest. (< which I think was the key to keeping it all balanced)

Tonight is the first time I’m going to work at the new volunteers place! I am very excited and a little scared.

I was just trying to figure out what to wear, since it’s going to be in the evening, I’ll be behind the bar, making sure people get their drinks and stuff while a band is playing their music and entertaining people.
Due to selfharm scars all over my arm (from pulse to shoulder) I can not wear short sleeves, so I was planning on wearing long sleeves, but something light, so I won’t sweat easily (sweat dripping down my body > feeling my body > trigger).

Usually I wear a tanktop beneath my clothes, I guess it makes me feel save, like something is still protecting my body, beneath my clothes. Brenda especially likes it.
But since it’s probably going to be very warm in there, I thought it would be better to take it off, so I won’t sweat as easily (due to too many clothes) and I’ll just take it off right now, so my body can get used to it.

So I took it off and Brenda started whining instantly. ‘Too naked, doesn’t feel ok, want to hide, under the blankets’ etc.
I put on my shirt (to be, for the evening > without the tanktop) and Brenda practically started screaming. The feeling of the inside of the shirt against my body and it was all just so disgusting, at this point I can’t even distinguish my thoughts from her. So I took it off and put my tanktop back on and went to the livingroom.

And right now I’m typing this.

What do you want Brenda?

If we keep the tanktop on, it’s gonna be hot! And we’re gonna sweat. Let’s be honest, you’ll get whiney about that.
If we take it off. We won’t sweat (as easily) but you’ll whine straight from the beginning.

So I guess the choice is easy, I’ll just keep it on.
Kinda bummed right now. Because a simple thing like ‘taking a tanktop off’ is too much to handle.

But ok, she’s fine now.


Don’t rain on my parade


So I was having this beautiful New Years Eve parade. But people kept raining on it!!!  So I turned of my phone -.-

I thought I was happy with it. But I guess I’m not.

People telling me I chose to be alone at New years. Yeah that’s true. I chose to be alone, because the other options were worse. I also choose to live, because otherwise I could commit suicide. So…. WHATS YOUR POINT? Ok. Brianna. Calm down.

Anyway, I want to explain and write it down here for myself clearly now.

I had 3 options for new years (well obviously a lot more, but 3 ‘reasonable’ ones)
1. With my sister + her fiancée and his family + sleeping at my sisters(I wrote how I felt on boxing day right? She (my sister) triggering me? Me crying because I had to go there? So yeah, not really an option + My sisters fiancée’s mother (still following?)Was my mentor in high school and she was a real mean woman to me back then!)
2. With my best friend + her mother + their whole family + sleep there (at bestie’s aunts house)(I know myself, and I don’t know why yet, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping somewhere else (for the record 200km away from my own house). When it would’ve been me and bestie alone, i would’ve tried it, but I would’ve slept at her aunt’s house as the poor girl who no-one wants at new years. (This isn’t just an assumption btw, I’ve spent nights crying because I wasn’t sleeping in my own bed and my own environment)
3. Have my mum + her boyfriend (who is just a copy of my dad which means triggers) could have come over. But I chose myself. I don’t want anyone like HIM in MY house. It’s MY house. It’s up to ME who comes in and who doesn’t. I am in control!

So others options might have been, go spend it with my dad. Go out in to the town and get drunk and/or high and see where I end up.
But in the end I think I chose the safest and bestest option for MYSELF. I really don’t understand why someone feels the need to rain on my parade. I was happy and just chatting with other people who are alone and that ‘yeah, you chose to be on your own anyways, cause you could have spent new years with me’ YOU ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY, Do you really think I would have felt comfortable there? Is it just me? Am I crazy for not wanting to spend New Years with people I do not know? Well maybe it is me, but I can’t be the only one.

Anyway, the internet on my phone is OFF. So no internet for me. Just on the laptop and I’ll probably won’t get any phone calls. wished my mum a goodnight and I’ll see her tomorrow. Got my medication ready for when I want it.


What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?


Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically :/
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)

Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo



Transference and countertransference issues?


So this is going to be VERY tricky for me, it’s like high leveled English for me, so I’m going to try to write my thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue’s.
I am just really reading and learning about it so I’m a big newbie. But I have tons of idea’s and questions, so just to try to order my mind, a blog post.

Thanks to Wikipedia;

Transference is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is “the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person’s childhood.”[1] Another definition is “the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object.”[2] Still another definition is “a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, especially of childhood, and the substitution of another person … for the original object of the repressed impulses.”[3] Transference was first described by Sigmund Freud, who acknowledged its importance for psychoanalysis for better understanding of the patient’s feelings.

 more; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

So.. transference and counterstransference (damn, luckily it’s in the title, otherwise I’d be copy and pasting the sh*t out of it 😛 ), it’s like this very tricky thing. I don’t think I fully understand it just yet, but I am trying to.

First of all I’ll explain how I came to this subject.
Once upon a time.. no.. seriously, I had a talk with Betty thursday over the phone. Basically she (and I) seemed stuck. We don’t know what to do anymore, at least I get the feeling she doesn’t either. She asked me ‘Do you think someone else could help you better?’. I was a bit shocked that she asked that, but instantly I thought ‘hell no’.  After we hung up, I got to think about this a lot more.
So basically since I was 16 I have been in intense therapy (before that just flowing from one therapist to the other) and since that moment people have been telling me, I act to them as I act to my mother. Yeah, I’ve always had female therapists and I do get this ‘I want you to be my mummy’ feeling, and yeah I have it with Betty to. However, the people who do see me and treat me that often, I get this major mood swings with them as well. Suddenly they’re the worst person on earth and I hate them and then out of nowhere (it seems nowhere) I like them and want them to be my mummy again.
Betty once said to me (I think I wrote this once before) that she knows why I am acting like this (the same to them as I do to my mother) but that she just does not accept that. I was really ashamed of myself and realized what I had done.
So anyway, on the phone last thursday we were talking about how there is no clear line about my therapy. It’s just always crisis this, crisis that. So I told her it’s like I’m taking her in my emotional rollercoaster as well. She kind of agreed with me. Which made me think… every therapist has been in the rollercoaster with me!!! Oh my God. I’m horrible! It’s like there’s no way in between. Either you’re with me IN the rollercoaster, or youre not allowed in the theme park! They just can’t wait outside.
I know I do get very clingy to them, sometimes I really need to tell myself ‘NO! DONT DO IT!’, because I just feel like grabbing on to Betty asking her to never let me go again, or just to grab her leg and hold on tight. Like, seriously? She’d scream when I’d do that, I think xD or tell me I’m being inappropriate, haha. (What else is new?)

Ok this is gonna be a long one xD

Anyway! So yeah, I’ve been realizing that I’m taking everybody with me in the damn rollercoaster. And maybe yeah, I’ve been acting to them as if they’re my mums.
So the whole Brandon thing came up. Last Wednesday I had a talk with him and it did not go well… at one point he wanted to talk to me about a bit detailed stuff and I was like ‘uhh.. how about.. NO!’ So he told me that it might be important and stuff. I said to hem ‘lets make a deal, I’ll talk about it, if I get a free card for tomorrow for unlimited cutting’. (Yeah, shaking my head aswell, it must be terrible to treat me) So he told me ‘Its not up to me if you cut or not, it’s your responsibility’. But right after I had said that I knew how wrong I had been and that it was line crossing stuff.
So uhm, yeah, that about Brandon. Like, what the hell am I doing? Am I trying to provoke him?

So that about the whole thing that made this come up.

I have read a book about ‘Complex Trauma’ in Dutch and it said a little bit about this whole transference thing and I thought I got it. Then I talked to Justy and she said something about it which made me think even more. So I have been looking it up on internet, at explanations and stuff.

So yeah, about this transference and countertransference thing, is that about them going with me in the rollercoaster? Especially because of people telling me I’m acting the same way to them as if they are my mother.

I am realizing that I’m being stupid but at the same time, I just can’t get out of the rollercoaster! I’m stuck!
So this thing (damn, gotta type it again xD) transference, and the whole emotional toddler thing, IS THERE A WAY OUT?

Well, realizing this all for now really made me think (or just made it more clear) about how hard it must be to treat me? Sometimes I get the feeling nobody can, which is ridiculous of course, but it just needs a lot of time, or well more than usual. I do think it’s normal with (c)ptsd? Or BPD for that matter. But.. who resists it? How do you get out of it? I feel bad for Betty and Brandon (and the other people from the ‘team’) who deal with me, because I’d be pissed about an annoying ‘patient’ like that. And just get irritated by the idea of seeing him/her that day xD
I get the feeling I gave Betty a bad feeling about her treatment skills, though I REALLY think she is an amazing therapist, she manages to hit me at places which gives me a wake-up call, but I just sweep back into old behaviour. Like I need someone to correct me all freaking week-long. Like they are saying to me, you gotta walk from A to B. And then I go home and continue walking, but whenever I step foot of off the path someone needs to remind me, because I don’t really notice it untill I’m like hating Betty/Brandon (and then realizing ‘hey.. what changed?’). I do feel me slipping down sometimes, like looking back at my blog, the posts about the loneliness might have been a good first symptom or something like that.

I feel so complex (like other people must feel of course!), maybe it’s because they’re used to work with a bit older people, and I have just let go of the breast-feeding stuff, and they’re like ‘what a baby!’. I have been there for 12 months now, and I’m still ‘fighting’ with Betty.. I don’t want to fight.. but I keep doing it.
She told me it’s hard for her to keep track of the therapy-line, when these crisis come in (like suicidal feelings etc.), and I just wander of the therapy-line, and she wanders of with me :’)

So anyway, I’ve been blabbing for way too long. In some way I do think it’s funny, but just so stupid/painful it’s funny.. I feel real bad for Betty and Brandon. I do imagine the ‘team’ fighting at therapy over who will get Brianna today, like ‘no I don’t want her, she’s annoying, let Brandon have her today’ and the Brandon will be like ‘well I don’t want her either, she’s tiring, I’ve had her for 12 months now, you take her’ etc. That not funny, and not really logical, but there is a tiny part of me that might consider it going like that.

There are like a million things I’d like to say more but I’m on 1400 words now, time to quit.

So, does anyone have any ideas on this? Or own experiences? Please share!



Am I climbing up?


I have been very quiet on Word Press and mainly just because I am ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my behaviour yet not willing to change it because I felt I deserved it.
Right now I think I’m moving up, SLOWLY, but surely. I had a really hard couple of days.

Trigger Warning
There was a lot of self harm in the past few days and a lot of triggers. Just something inside of me demanding me to harm myself because I deserve to be harmed. I needed to be in constant pain. Thursday was the worst I guess. I did harm myself and it just kept bleeding, I was too afraid to go to the doctors but after 5 hours (and the doctors being closed) I got scared. It still didn’t stop. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my mum so I told her before hand that I did harm myself and it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. (5 hours later) She looked a little confused and said ‘the store is only open till 8 pm’. It felt as a huge rejection (I don’t deserve medical treatment) and we went to the store. I was beyond angry and upset with my mother. After going back to the car after getting the grocery’s I cried and asked her why I am not important enough? At least not more important than grocery’s. She said she got confused and didn’t know what to do. I told her I did want to see a doctor.
Of course being VERY ashamed of harming myself and then going to the doctors, I came in with my tail between my legs and there was a very nice woman doctor who helped me. She asked me why I did it & I said ‘i hate my body’ she said ‘that must be awful’.. yeah, you can get angry about this but I do feel she meant it so I said ‘yeah..’. She asked me to see the wound and ofcourse now that I AM at the doctors it stopped! So it was still very nasty and since it had been about 6 hours it wasn’t anyting pretty. She said she wanted to stitch it up and make the scar more ‘pretty’.. but I told her she didn’t need to and I’d be ok with a plaster. For the first time the doctor was ok with wat I wanted with the wound. The area around it is still a but numb but I guess that’ll stay like that.
Yesterday (Friday) I did harm myself again and a lot, but not that deep. Which meant it hurt much more. So after breaking down again in front of my mum I did manage to go to bed that night WITHOUT cutting! Right now it’s saturday and it’s 4.43 pm and I haven’t cut. I am a little proud of myself, though I do feel the need coming up, I’m just gonna try to be ok with not cutting and not wanting to punish myself.

So it’s hard yeah.. but we’ll make it through right?
I really hope this is it. That this was rock bottom and I’m going up again.
Looking back at this year.. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It went ok as in I have therapy and got a lot out of myself, however I had a few down moments as well. Moments where I could have died if it turned out wrong.

I hope to be a little more active and a little more positive again.

They don’t even know you
All they see is scars
They don’t see the angel living in your heart
Let them find the real you, buried deep within.
Let them know with all you’ve got.. that you are NOT your skin.

Not ready to call myself an angel 😉 , but I do know I have a good part as well. I am not all bad.


Fighting through

I read about Project Unbreakable earlier this week, saw it on Facebook a couple of times today.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote last month (never even heard of Project Unbreakable back then), but I thought it was ‘funny’ how I used the word ‘unbreakable’ in it, which I know see, relates to the project.

About the project; http://project-unbreakable.org/
It’s about sexual assault, so it can be triggering! 

This poem is triggering!

I lay in bed
Trying to calm down
it’s so dark outside
I feel like I’m about to drown

I hear her crying in my head
Trying to control it all
her despair.. the dark.. the memories
Sooner or later, i’ll fall

I feel like im numb
Yet i feel everything i ever felt
I’m losing the contact
Where is my life belt

Sitting on the couch
Seeing that brown leg
Covered in black hair
Maybe I should beg

I know whats coming
I don’t know what to do
See those dark blue boxers
Why cant i break through

My mind shuts down
What I’m so thankful for
i know now I’ll be able
To handle a little bit more

I’m just here to do my job
Then I can go back to bed
I probably wont sleep
But hopefully drop dead

I gasp for air
& look around
There’s my cat
Lying on the ground

She is still crying
Cause i know she doesn’t feel save
My crazy mind just proved to her
It doesn’t help to be brave

My body is shocking
I feel like such a fool
It must have been 15 years ago
life can be so cruel

I’m gonna hold on though
Not gonna let him win
Wont ever try
To commit the deadly sin

I know I am strong enough
one day I’ll break through
Look at the world and say;
I’m unbreakable, thank you!