Don’t rain on my parade


So I was having this beautiful New Years Eve parade. But people kept raining on it!!!  So I turned of my phone -.-

I thought I was happy with it. But I guess I’m not.

People telling me I chose to be alone at New years. Yeah that’s true. I chose to be alone, because the other options were worse. I also choose to live, because otherwise I could commit suicide. So…. WHATS YOUR POINT? Ok. Brianna. Calm down.

Anyway, I want to explain and write it down here for myself clearly now.

I had 3 options for new years (well obviously a lot more, but 3 ‘reasonable’ ones)
1. With my sister + her fiancée and his family + sleeping at my sisters(I wrote how I felt on boxing day right? She (my sister) triggering me? Me crying because I had to go there? So yeah, not really an option + My sisters fiancée’s mother (still following?)Was my mentor in high school and she was a real mean woman to me back then!)
2. With my best friend + her mother + their whole family + sleep there (at bestie’s aunts house)(I know myself, and I don’t know why yet, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping somewhere else (for the record 200km away from my own house). When it would’ve been me and bestie alone, i would’ve tried it, but I would’ve slept at her aunt’s house as the poor girl who no-one wants at new years. (This isn’t just an assumption btw, I’ve spent nights crying because I wasn’t sleeping in my own bed and my own environment)
3. Have my mum + her boyfriend (who is just a copy of my dad which means triggers) could have come over. But I chose myself. I don’t want anyone like HIM in MY house. It’s MY house. It’s up to ME who comes in and who doesn’t. I am in control!

So others options might have been, go spend it with my dad. Go out in to the town and get drunk and/or high and see where I end up.
But in the end I think I chose the safest and bestest option for MYSELF. I really don’t understand why someone feels the need to rain on my parade. I was happy and just chatting with other people who are alone and that ‘yeah, you chose to be on your own anyways, cause you could have spent new years with me’ YOU ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY, Do you really think I would have felt comfortable there? Is it just me? Am I crazy for not wanting to spend New Years with people I do not know? Well maybe it is me, but I can’t be the only one.

Anyway, the internet on my phone is OFF. So no internet for me. Just on the laptop and I’ll probably won’t get any phone calls. wished my mum a goodnight and I’ll see her tomorrow. Got my medication ready for when I want it.





So I think I’m getting sick.

My throat is very painful, I keep on coughing (which is also painful) and I keep getting very hot and cold. My head feels all warm and foggy.

No this is NOT good 😦
Not only am I such a nag when I’m sick, I am alone. Lol, I’m gonna whine about it for like 1 sentence ok? I hate living alone and having the flu. Like last time (in May) I got all freaked out at night because I had such a high fever, and the whole world was weird, it was só scary.
Ok, so I’m very whiny when I’m sick (like even more than normal 😉 )I cant even eat anything I like. I don’t even like anything!

Besides! I have been sick in May, and normally I get sick like once every 2 years. So whats up with this? It’s not the time to be or get sick. I have a date with my bestie tomorrow.

This is just so annoying, it’s not like a painful arm or leg. No, its INSIDE my body. I hate this. Can’t stand it.

Please… I really hope this all blows over tomorrow, but that’s probably just wishfull-thinking.

I’m getting really freaked out about this, with the vivid memory of May and how extremely horrible and panicky I felt

Feel like screaming. Someone please hold my hand during this! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH