Smile though your heart is aching

I’ll do what you expect me to
I’ll smile as you want me to
At home I’m still crying as I used to
& I promise, I wont show you

Yesterday I had therapy, and a talk with Brandon. It was very confronting, Brenda was very upset, I was tired. Brandon was asking me if I recognized myself in Stockholm syndrome. Questions about my father and the whole ‘hierarchy’ at home. It’s really blurry.

At one point, I don’t even remember how we got there, the thought came in to my mind… Brandon is telling me I’m a whore.. I’m my dad’s whore.

So Brandon was talking about something.. (God knows what)

Brandon; ……………………..
Me *while looking down*; So you’re saying I am his whore?
Brandon; That’s not what I’m saying.

Of course, I could believe him. And of course, that’s not what I did. I think I decided to test him. YET AGAIN. I knew, what I was expecting, I knew, the old Brandon, would respond like ‘plan A’ for instance, but there came Peter screaming in my head that he’s not saying it, but he’s thinking it.

So suspicious Brianna suddenly made direct eye contact with Brandon

Me; But that’s what you’re thinking? 

My voice was freakishly calm, without judgement in it.
Of course I made the eye contact to see the look on Brandons face, to really see if he was lying or not. But Brandon being who he is, plan A won, he kinda looked surprised at me for asking that and a little confused.

Brandon; no

I could see he really did not think I was a whore. I trust him. It’s save and ok now. In fact, it was save and ok all along. He passed the test.
And it’s weird to think of why would you test someone.
It’s not something I decide to do, of course, I’m doing it! I know that, because I learn to look at myself and my behaviour. But in that moment I am not aware of me testing him. I think it’s something in me that’s automatically doing that. Seeing if it’s still ok to ‘hang out’ or ‘talk with’ Brandon, is he still save.


My current feelings about therapy

I feel like a disgrace , a failure. A shame for the treatment centre I’m at , I ruined their good recovery rates . And it feels like only Brandon fights for me , can get quiet. But what is a psychiatric nurse against a clinical psychologist ? Beyond that nurse me offer the stability and the psychologist drives me insane. I fear for my “future” , the treatment centre feels like my home , the place where I am understood, where I know people . I am completely myself , and that is wrong . Regarding Brandon ( the nurse ) it’s all stable , he will think I’m moving forward, opener. But the psychologist / therapist gets me down , I get in terrible crisis after talks with her , and then have the nurse ‘ need ‘ to calm me.
I know that if it were up to him , my place there until May as agreed . But who is he compared to the practitioner ?
I hope that Monday is okay , the conversation between me and my therapist , and the treatment coordinator of the department still allows me to be there. But all those little signals show me that they do not like me , she hates me , she wants me away (the treatment coordinator)
All signs indicate that I have a normal reaction to an abnormal situation . What is going so wrong with my psychologist / therapist ? And I get the idea that she’s too proud to admit that she might not be able to handle it. Nurse will always stand as a rock , no matter what storm is going through me , he’s steady always the same , always predictable . I know he does not condemn me , I know 100 % .
Regarding my therapist / psychologist , I seem to want to do everything to make her like me. So that she’ll find me nice and sweet, she thinks I’m a nice person. But most of the time she makes me so angry that I wish she did not work there and she immediately stopped and I just can go to H. ( other practitioner ) and that she likes me and it ‘ll be fine. But I feel unwanted by the ‘ importance  ‘ people. The nurse all like me I guess .. they are nice. But the therapists and the treatment coordinator .. I ‘m afraid they hate me . They don’t want me. I ‘m too awkward .
What I do not dare to admit , I do not dare say out loud, what I fear ;
I ‘m scared and almost 100 % sure that I should be away from my safe place .

And I decay in old thoughts;
“Please, do not send me away. I’ll be nice, I will not cry and be angry. I will do anything you ask of me, but please do not send me away. I will be the perfect client. Tell me how, and I’ll do it. But please …. do not ditch me ‘


Transference and countertransference issues?


So this is going to be VERY tricky for me, it’s like high leveled English for me, so I’m going to try to write my thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue’s.
I am just really reading and learning about it so I’m a big newbie. But I have tons of idea’s and questions, so just to try to order my mind, a blog post.

Thanks to Wikipedia;

Transference is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is “the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person’s childhood.”[1] Another definition is “the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object.”[2] Still another definition is “a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, especially of childhood, and the substitution of another person … for the original object of the repressed impulses.”[3] Transference was first described by Sigmund Freud, who acknowledged its importance for psychoanalysis for better understanding of the patient’s feelings.


So.. transference and counterstransference (damn, luckily it’s in the title, otherwise I’d be copy and pasting the sh*t out of it 😛 ), it’s like this very tricky thing. I don’t think I fully understand it just yet, but I am trying to.

First of all I’ll explain how I came to this subject.
Once upon a time.. no.. seriously, I had a talk with Betty thursday over the phone. Basically she (and I) seemed stuck. We don’t know what to do anymore, at least I get the feeling she doesn’t either. She asked me ‘Do you think someone else could help you better?’. I was a bit shocked that she asked that, but instantly I thought ‘hell no’.  After we hung up, I got to think about this a lot more.
So basically since I was 16 I have been in intense therapy (before that just flowing from one therapist to the other) and since that moment people have been telling me, I act to them as I act to my mother. Yeah, I’ve always had female therapists and I do get this ‘I want you to be my mummy’ feeling, and yeah I have it with Betty to. However, the people who do see me and treat me that often, I get this major mood swings with them as well. Suddenly they’re the worst person on earth and I hate them and then out of nowhere (it seems nowhere) I like them and want them to be my mummy again.
Betty once said to me (I think I wrote this once before) that she knows why I am acting like this (the same to them as I do to my mother) but that she just does not accept that. I was really ashamed of myself and realized what I had done.
So anyway, on the phone last thursday we were talking about how there is no clear line about my therapy. It’s just always crisis this, crisis that. So I told her it’s like I’m taking her in my emotional rollercoaster as well. She kind of agreed with me. Which made me think… every therapist has been in the rollercoaster with me!!! Oh my God. I’m horrible! It’s like there’s no way in between. Either you’re with me IN the rollercoaster, or youre not allowed in the theme park! They just can’t wait outside.
I know I do get very clingy to them, sometimes I really need to tell myself ‘NO! DONT DO IT!’, because I just feel like grabbing on to Betty asking her to never let me go again, or just to grab her leg and hold on tight. Like, seriously? She’d scream when I’d do that, I think xD or tell me I’m being inappropriate, haha. (What else is new?)

Ok this is gonna be a long one xD

Anyway! So yeah, I’ve been realizing that I’m taking everybody with me in the damn rollercoaster. And maybe yeah, I’ve been acting to them as if they’re my mums.
So the whole Brandon thing came up. Last Wednesday I had a talk with him and it did not go well… at one point he wanted to talk to me about a bit detailed stuff and I was like ‘uhh.. how about.. NO!’ So he told me that it might be important and stuff. I said to hem ‘lets make a deal, I’ll talk about it, if I get a free card for tomorrow for unlimited cutting’. (Yeah, shaking my head aswell, it must be terrible to treat me) So he told me ‘Its not up to me if you cut or not, it’s your responsibility’. But right after I had said that I knew how wrong I had been and that it was line crossing stuff.
So uhm, yeah, that about Brandon. Like, what the hell am I doing? Am I trying to provoke him?

So that about the whole thing that made this come up.

I have read a book about ‘Complex Trauma’ in Dutch and it said a little bit about this whole transference thing and I thought I got it. Then I talked to Justy and she said something about it which made me think even more. So I have been looking it up on internet, at explanations and stuff.

So yeah, about this transference and countertransference thing, is that about them going with me in the rollercoaster? Especially because of people telling me I’m acting the same way to them as if they are my mother.

I am realizing that I’m being stupid but at the same time, I just can’t get out of the rollercoaster! I’m stuck!
So this thing (damn, gotta type it again xD) transference, and the whole emotional toddler thing, IS THERE A WAY OUT?

Well, realizing this all for now really made me think (or just made it more clear) about how hard it must be to treat me? Sometimes I get the feeling nobody can, which is ridiculous of course, but it just needs a lot of time, or well more than usual. I do think it’s normal with (c)ptsd? Or BPD for that matter. But.. who resists it? How do you get out of it? I feel bad for Betty and Brandon (and the other people from the ‘team’) who deal with me, because I’d be pissed about an annoying ‘patient’ like that. And just get irritated by the idea of seeing him/her that day xD
I get the feeling I gave Betty a bad feeling about her treatment skills, though I REALLY think she is an amazing therapist, she manages to hit me at places which gives me a wake-up call, but I just sweep back into old behaviour. Like I need someone to correct me all freaking week-long. Like they are saying to me, you gotta walk from A to B. And then I go home and continue walking, but whenever I step foot of off the path someone needs to remind me, because I don’t really notice it untill I’m like hating Betty/Brandon (and then realizing ‘hey.. what changed?’). I do feel me slipping down sometimes, like looking back at my blog, the posts about the loneliness might have been a good first symptom or something like that.

I feel so complex (like other people must feel of course!), maybe it’s because they’re used to work with a bit older people, and I have just let go of the breast-feeding stuff, and they’re like ‘what a baby!’. I have been there for 12 months now, and I’m still ‘fighting’ with Betty.. I don’t want to fight.. but I keep doing it.
She told me it’s hard for her to keep track of the therapy-line, when these crisis come in (like suicidal feelings etc.), and I just wander of the therapy-line, and she wanders of with me :’)

So anyway, I’ve been blabbing for way too long. In some way I do think it’s funny, but just so stupid/painful it’s funny.. I feel real bad for Betty and Brandon. I do imagine the ‘team’ fighting at therapy over who will get Brianna today, like ‘no I don’t want her, she’s annoying, let Brandon have her today’ and the Brandon will be like ‘well I don’t want her either, she’s tiring, I’ve had her for 12 months now, you take her’ etc. That not funny, and not really logical, but there is a tiny part of me that might consider it going like that.

There are like a million things I’d like to say more but I’m on 1400 words now, time to quit.

So, does anyone have any ideas on this? Or own experiences? Please share!