Beyond tired

Hi,

I’m exhausted.
But that’s quite logical if you look at the past days I’ve had. Sunday the first time at work > was very hectic. Then I had maybe 5 hours of sleep, then on  my way to therapy. Where I got huge news, which made me cry and the whole stuff (actually I must have cried 4 times Monday).

So today, I’m tired.

Thinking to myself…what do I need right now? I need rest! 🙂
So I’m taking everything slow. No need to do anything.

I am going outside at 5 pm because I am able to get some free legal advice, which I really want one something. But I choose to do that, I am not forced to. So again, the decision is up to me.
And then again, if I am too tired, I can still decide not to go.

It feels good being in control and taking care of my needs.

xoxo
Brianna

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Don’t rain on my parade

Hi!

So I was having this beautiful New Years Eve parade. But people kept raining on it!!!  So I turned of my phone -.-

I thought I was happy with it. But I guess I’m not.

People telling me I chose to be alone at New years. Yeah that’s true. I chose to be alone, because the other options were worse. I also choose to live, because otherwise I could commit suicide. So…. WHATS YOUR POINT? Ok. Brianna. Calm down.

Anyway, I want to explain and write it down here for myself clearly now.

I had 3 options for new years (well obviously a lot more, but 3 ‘reasonable’ ones)
1. With my sister + her fiancée and his family + sleeping at my sisters(I wrote how I felt on boxing day right? She (my sister) triggering me? Me crying because I had to go there? So yeah, not really an option + My sisters fiancée’s mother (still following?)Was my mentor in high school and she was a real mean woman to me back then!)
2. With my best friend + her mother + their whole family + sleep there (at bestie’s aunts house)(I know myself, and I don’t know why yet, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping somewhere else (for the record 200km away from my own house). When it would’ve been me and bestie alone, i would’ve tried it, but I would’ve slept at her aunt’s house as the poor girl who no-one wants at new years. (This isn’t just an assumption btw, I’ve spent nights crying because I wasn’t sleeping in my own bed and my own environment)
3. Have my mum + her boyfriend (who is just a copy of my dad which means triggers) could have come over. But I chose myself. I don’t want anyone like HIM in MY house. It’s MY house. It’s up to ME who comes in and who doesn’t. I am in control!

So others options might have been, go spend it with my dad. Go out in to the town and get drunk and/or high and see where I end up.
But in the end I think I chose the safest and bestest option for MYSELF. I really don’t understand why someone feels the need to rain on my parade. I was happy and just chatting with other people who are alone and that ‘yeah, you chose to be on your own anyways, cause you could have spent new years with me’ YOU ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY, Do you really think I would have felt comfortable there? Is it just me? Am I crazy for not wanting to spend New Years with people I do not know? Well maybe it is me, but I can’t be the only one.

Anyway, the internet on my phone is OFF. So no internet for me. Just on the laptop and I’ll probably won’t get any phone calls. wished my mum a goodnight and I’ll see her tomorrow. Got my medication ready for when I want it.

xoxo
Brianna