Paying my dues

I was 3 years old
And still you saw
The biggest evil grew in me
And you had to declaw

A child so young
But yet you destroy
Beat it to the ground
Like an annoying plastic toy

People saw evil in me
When life had barely begun
And its the kind of evil
That can’t be undone

This rock keeps burning
Through my chest
Smothering my lungs
Though I did try my best

Evil so strong
Does fighting even make sense?
I know he disagrees
CPTSD was the expense

A bunch of words (Poems)

In the end the nights are still cold
The nights are still long
The nights are still old
The nights are still wrong

In the end the feelings are still too much
I still feel alone
I still feel his touch
I still feel overthrown

In the end I still long for peace
I still long for rest
I still long for release
I still long for the guest

For the guest is you
My beloved friend
You are my savior
My living amend

Please hurry back to me
I know that you can set me free
I know that you can undo the chain
And help me get rid of the agonising pain

To be honest
I still wish you were here
Your strong arms around me
Your presence near

Just to be frank
It hurts me terribly deep
That you don’t have time for me
I sit evenings alone and weep

And to be clear
I certainly do not regret
Cause at least now
I can still glance at your silhouette

I adore you like sunshine
I love you like a star
Youre as attached to my soul
As the pain is to my scar

Not a day goes by
Without you on my mind
Memories can be cruel
And time can be unkind

I carry on with my life
And I try my very best
To find my own way
To complete this quest

Feeling the absence of you
Makes my whole body ache
While every step takes me further
I feel I’m about to break

I miss you like happiness
I long for you like thirst
I search for you eternally
Yeah, sweety, you’re the worst.

I am angry with my mother
With thoughts full of rage
No mercy contained within
While I stuff her into her cage

I punish her for the neglect
For abandonment pain
I punish her for never helping
For this eternal storm and rain

To him I bow down
As anyone would to a king
Although he abused me
He got me on a tight string

Despite the 20+ years I live
All I feel towards him is fear
Guilt creeps upon me
The memories make me tear

I know I am a slave
To his will for ever more
And I can only pray
That therapy will break through the core

There are no words
That can explain
That will make you understand
The hold of this abuse chain

While it has stopped
For several years now
By stepping foot on this earth
I took a loyalty vow

I’m being held by ties
Stronger than metal
With no free will
Unable to settle

Everything in me
Is set the please
No matter what part of me
Is next in line to decease

Somewhere inside of me
Despite the anxiety attack
Is the hope you will help me break free
You will stand by me, by coming back..

Quote; Childhood trauma by Judith Lewis Herman

“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom.

But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships.

She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”
― Judith Lewis HermanTrauma and Recovery



Fighting through

I read about Project Unbreakable earlier this week, saw it on Facebook a couple of times today.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote last month (never even heard of Project Unbreakable back then), but I thought it was ‘funny’ how I used the word ‘unbreakable’ in it, which I know see, relates to the project.

About the project;
It’s about sexual assault, so it can be triggering! 

This poem is triggering!

I lay in bed
Trying to calm down
it’s so dark outside
I feel like I’m about to drown

I hear her crying in my head
Trying to control it all
her despair.. the dark.. the memories
Sooner or later, i’ll fall

I feel like im numb
Yet i feel everything i ever felt
I’m losing the contact
Where is my life belt

Sitting on the couch
Seeing that brown leg
Covered in black hair
Maybe I should beg

I know whats coming
I don’t know what to do
See those dark blue boxers
Why cant i break through

My mind shuts down
What I’m so thankful for
i know now I’ll be able
To handle a little bit more

I’m just here to do my job
Then I can go back to bed
I probably wont sleep
But hopefully drop dead

I gasp for air
& look around
There’s my cat
Lying on the ground

She is still crying
Cause i know she doesn’t feel save
My crazy mind just proved to her
It doesn’t help to be brave

My body is shocking
I feel like such a fool
It must have been 15 years ago
life can be so cruel

I’m gonna hold on though
Not gonna let him win
Wont ever try
To commit the deadly sin

I know I am strong enough
one day I’ll break through
Look at the world and say;
I’m unbreakable, thank you!


Poem about Randy

Did you know you make me happy?
Whenever i see your face..
Or even when i hear your name
It takes me out of space

Your soft kisses
& your gentle touch
it feels like you care
makes me like you so much

that one morning
right after we slept,
i knew i was in love
that i just must accept

i don’t know how you feel
you are so hard to read
but honey i am sure
you are all i need

though my separation fear
is screaming so loud
the butterflies in my stomach
make me rise above every cloud

I will enjoy the moments
that you are here
although the future
is anything but clear

time will tell
what comes of us
but right now
you are my A plus

Not sure when I wrote this, I think it was around the 4th of september, 2013