Trust like you’ve never been hurt?

Hi!

I’m really on a roll today, just thinking… and trying to understand things.

I got a comment from a fellow blogger on WordPress which made me think (in a good way!). Betty once said to me because of the whole Abraham thing, that I am pointing my finger at him for leaving and stuff, but that I should look at my own part in it. I do hate that I don’t. But I really have trouble seeing it.
Sometimes it’s obvious. An ex of mine, yeah, I have been terrible. I know that. I am painfully aware of my own part in destroying what we had.

 

With Abraham, yeah I did blame him. I don’t anymore, but I do stand by what I said. I warned him numerous times to not ask me whats wrong because he can’t handle what I’d tell him. I told hem I’d be fine, but that he should just leave it. He didn’t, he pulled it out of me. Yeah, of course I had a choice to not tell him. But I guess he wouldn’t  understand and maybe even got mad a little and just walk away. Now I told him, he helped me, which was too much for him and he walked away. Uhhh… where is this my fault? i’m sorry and I feel really stupid, but I  really don’t see what I did wrong here. Yeah, I leaned on him like crazy, and that I shouldn’t have. I could’ve told him whats wrong. But just go to Betty the day after. I didn’t. He felt save(er) and more available, more involved and stuff. Ok… I do see the point here 😛 But I’m really not mad at him. But I used to be.

Uhm.. there was this (sort of) ex of mine.. hmmm… lets call him Bobby. I dated him when I was 16. I had hardly any experience with guys ‘my age’, he was 5 years older though I think. So when I saw him for the first time some sexual stuff happened. I was under the impression that meant we had a relationship. Which apparently we didn’t. He came over to my place when he wanted sex and he left right after that. Sure, red flags all over the place. We would have sex and I was just crying while he was doing his business and afterwards he’d be like ‘whats wrong?’. I could tell him numerous times I don’t feel ok having sex right now, I couldn’t explain him why and what was wrong with it, but I just wasn’t ok with it. He understood. Next time he came over, it happened again. I didn’t say no (my fault!!!!!!!! My part). I do feel a little double about this because of the age difference he ‘should have known’ that it wasn’t ok for him to try again. But then again, I didn’t say no and maybe the 1 time I did, he playfully got further and I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to. I’ve had contact with him on and off for years. He’d dump me when he found another girl and then contact me when she didn’t like him anymore. Stupid me, was happy enough with the ‘love’ I was getting so i let him back in. But the same stuff happened over and over again.
*fast forward to 2013*
I did have contact with him this year, uhm, I was a lot stronger than back then. I stated very clearly I only wanted to be friends and not friends-with-benefits. Whenever he made a pass at me, I would just put him back in his ‘place’. I know he’s been like this with his ex girlfriend as well. The girl he was dating before we got contact again in 2013. Whenever I was feeling upset and stuff, I could come to him, but he’d never know what to say and just make an inappropriate comment about sexual stuff he wants to do with me. It never felt ok, but I know he has a problem with is libido, its insanely high, he can’t help it. It did come to a point where he kinda put me in a corner and I just said ‘ok’ to him about something he wanted to do. When I told him later (we hadn’t done it yet) I didn’t feel ok about it, and I might get a lot of flashbacks and relive things, he’d be like ‘well you promised’. He could really get very angry with me for not wanting to anymore. Sometimes he would have this moment of clarity and tell me he loves me, and is sorry for his sexual behaviour and he knows he makes me do stuff that I actually don’t want to (he said this himself! I didn’t tell him!!). But the next day he could be like his old self again.

Ok. I can see where I made have made some mistakes. But how can it be wrong to give someone another chance? I know he has problems with his libido and that makes him act like that. Yeah, even in 2013 he hurt me A LOT. But he has an issue with his libido….. so I have to forgive him for that and give him another chance. He broke contact with me like a week ago. Honestly I think he’s back with his old girlfriend (he treated her really bad, and I told him that I didn’t think it was ok for him to do that, and he said he understuud), but it’s just a matter of time before I get an email from him again, asking how I’m doing and stuff (I bet I’ll have that email a year from now). Who am I, to not give him another chance? When he say’s he’s changed?

Sure. When this would happen to someone else, I’d be like ‘Uhh sweety you gotta wake up, he’s using you’ (that would be with someone else and I wouldn’t be involved in it). But I’m just not with  myself. And isn’t it true you should give people a chance to change? shouldn’t I help him change? To stop being so hurtful to girls (I KNOW he has hurt a lot of them, he told me in his moments of clarity). And yeah, he tells me nice things. He knows me, he knows my drama queen modus, and he accepts it. Why shouldn’t I accept his ‘drama-queen-modus’? In my modus I don’t hurt him personally, that’s true. But… yeah.. you know. I just don’t know. I feel like I should give people the chance to do things differently the next time. Because I don’t think Bobby is a bad guy. He just acts really stupid sometimes.
Yeah, my tears over the years could fill a whole swimming pool. But does that mean that I should avoid contact with him when he contacts me again and it seems like he’s changed?

I am sure that I never want a relationship with him, I’ll never trust him to that position. However I do feel for him and want to be his friend. And I feel like (sometimes?) he cares for me to. But his libido just gets in the way.

How is it wrong to believe in the good? In the better? To trust like you’ve never been hurt?

When someone rejects me because of my cptsd without even knowing me. I’d be hurt. How can someone blame me for something someone else (with cptsd) had done to them? Dont I deserve a fair chance?

There are tons of red flags around the people I meet. And my standard have gone up VERY high. I don’t tolerate the standard things you see. People asking for pictures of your full body, or cup size stuff, how many sex partners I had. When someone says that to me right now, I’m like ‘Bye!’, not in a harsh way. But because I believe that’s a sign someone is looking for something else than me. And I know if I get involved in it, I wont be able to get out easily or without being hurt. I’m saying bye as soon as I can, because the longer I know the person, the harder it’ll be to say that bye and to set a boundary.

So I’m not naive…. but I do feel people deserve second chances and yeah Bobby had about 7 of them. But again, who am I to reject him on what his problem is, when he wont reject me for mine?

Do I trust like I’ve never been hurt? Yeah! But I don’t ignore the obvious signs I described above.
I want to believe, I need to believe, people only want good for everyone. Everyone deserves a fair chance.. don’t they? When is the chance not fair anymore? People can change.. I know I want to. And I’d really appreciate it if someone would give me another chance if I screwed something up.

What am I doing wrong?

Well sure, the leaning part I did on Abraham is definitely wrong.
But other than that, in the past year, I haven’t ignored the obvious signs like I did when I was younger and yet I keep getting hurt xD

You know that moment when everyone around you gets a joke and you dont and it makes you feel stupid? I feel like that right now. I feel the stupidest person on WordPress.. everyone see’s what I’m doing wrong, I just dont, haha. *shaking my head @ myself*
I should discuss it with Betty or Brandon. Put it on the list (which already contains 100 things) I need to discuss.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. What came to my mind! Somewhere this year, between Abraham walking away and me meeting up with Randy I got a message from a guy, everything seemed perfect but it just didn’t feel right. I really didn’t know why, but he wanted my number. I never responded…. I just couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was incredibly wrong. But back then, and right now, I didn’t/don’t know what it was. I guess I’ll never know.

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It’s not right but it’s ok?

Hello,

Well I’m on a roll right now. I want to write about this because it is really bothering me.

Uhm.. i do feel I need to warn, because I’m kinda pissed right now. It’s not pretty what I’m writing.

Remember that guy I used to date? I named him Randy (The blog was called; Where do the broken hearts go? https://cptsd2013.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/where-am-i-now/)

Well… sometimes I still think about him.
And not because I like him, because I really really really…. DONT. I am actually kinda mad at him. For him to use me for sex and then just fricking walk away because it obviously meant no shit to him. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t treat people like that!! I’m really shocked, because I did think he was so different (which he also said to me ‘im not like most guys.. BALBLALBLABAL’) And then when I tell him about how it made me feel, he’s just like ‘you live in fairy tales (YEAH MY WHOLE FCKING LIFE HAD BEEN A FAIRYTALE) and you’ll see sometimes things just don’t work out’ UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *********, I KNOW THAT. Stop acting like you’re the best person in the world, because you really aren’t. And stop acting so superciliously. Because we’re all freaking equal okay? I’m no better than you, but youre also no better than me.

I really want to contact him. I feel so angry because not just of his behaviour but about the fact that he doesn’t even care I’m so damn hurt?! He doesn’t even deserve the fact that i feel hurt over him. luckily I’m not crying, because it doesn’t hurt THAT much. But I AM PISSED. I really want him to feel bad about what he did. Is this selfish of me?
You know when I hurt people, because let’s be honest, we all do.. Intentionally or not. I do feel bad about that. I don’t want him to commit because I got hurt, but just acknowledge that (in this case) he didn’t handle it all well. Look, when you hurt someone by rejecting them BEFORE SLEEPING WITH THEM, and they get hurt, sure… you can feel bad but you know you’re being honest. if you ******* me and just act all sweet and stuff and then just dump me because I freaking smoke (which he knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I have a bad attitude towards life (yeah after you slept with me and dumped me I did!) and want to much clarity (well it’s true, I do need that). Ok.

I just want him to feel bad about that. Not in a ‘im a horrible person’ way (he acted horrible though) but just in a ‘oh, i really hurt her, I should take care that I wont do it again with another girl’ and maybe even say SORRY. Does he even know what that word means? I don’t want to ask for the sorry, because then I wont believe it. But yeah, to be honest, he can shed a few tears because over me.

But whatever he says, (unless it’s an ‘im sorry, I was being selfish, I see that now, i hope you find someone better than me’ (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, I wish) it will just hurt me. I know that. And that’s the only reason I am not contacting him. (yet…) YOU KNOW I AM JUST PISSED OK. I FEEL LIKE GOING TO HIS CAFETERIA AND JUST GIVE HIM A SLAP IN THE FACE AS HE DESERVES.

And most of all, I hate myself for STILL being hurt over this. Just freaking let it go. It’s not the first time someone used me for sex :’) it’s the first time I didn’t notice though… well he was a really good actor.. acting like he cared about me and stuff. The others did that too, but it was just so obvious they were just in it for the sex.

Ok, I  really need to calm down now and just wait a while before posting this. I might want to change something into something a little nicer……… although I don’t feel like I owe it to him. But to the people who read it.

—-

 

Well it’s about 2 hours later haha. I facetime-d with my sister and told her about my anger and frustration and hurt (we mostly talked about other stuff though 😉 ). She understood (she followed everything from nearby and even met him once) but she said its hopeless to email him about what I want to say to him. I wont get the sorry, and if I did, she thinks I wouldn’t be satisfied with it. She understands the frustration about how I feel it’s just not ok to treat someone like that and feel nothing about it. Everyone hurts others, that’s just a fact i guess. But when I hurt someone, a friend, an ex or whoever, intentionally (I feel really bad afterwards) unintentionally (I feel bad too!, but I know I didn’t mean to and in the example above I know it’s for the best in the end) However, I’m really not saying I’m a saint, really am not. But I just got so massively hurt by him, I never saw it coming and I should have started running a long time ago (Haha “over you” lyrics from Chris Daughtry 😉 )No I’m serious, I honestly don’t ever want someone to feel like that. I guess the element of surprise was the thing that made it hurt so much.

I AM gonna post this, because the last paragraph is the reason I am calm now. She confirmed my hurt, and understood it (my sister) but she also said it’s pointless for me to email him. I’ll just get hurt more. I don’t have the power to protect other girls like me from that kind of pain and the chance he’d listen to me is also 0,000001%.
So anyway, the last paragraph is valuable, to me in the future but maybe to others as well.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. Just read the post back (spellingcheck), I sound so arrogant :$ . But this is a blog where I want to be honest and give someone else a look into my head, thoughts and views. If you disagree with something, just tell me. I am not almighty and I make a LOT of mistakes 😉
I do want to state that this (the first part) was in the heat of the moment, haha. Well, I’m not gonna say I’m not pissed anymore, but I’m more passive about it now I guess. (It is what is it, only thing I can do is accept it and learn from it for in the future)

Where do the broken hearts go?

Hi 🙂

There is one thing that has been dominating my mind all day long.

It’s about a guy (lets call him Randy). We dated a few weeks and I was quite open about my history. He knew I had been abused and that I’m in therapy for PTSD (I never added the C because nobody knows what it means). I’ve had a REALLY bad year date-wise and I actually had totally given up on the idea that he would be something. After a few weeks of texting every now and then I agreed to meet him up. He picked me up with is car, which was a really big deal for me, because it shows effort and I am not used to that. So basically he acted like a real gentleman and it did sweep me of my feet.
He was kinda distant at first, which made me doubt things, but then we kissed. It felt really magical. I got all warm inside, something I really don’t usually. We took everything very slow and I really got the feeling he wanted to do things on my pace too. He (is?) didn’t seem like the kind of guy who sleeps around (nothing wrong with that, but that could mean that sex has to be special) so I thought we were both on the same page. I did break my own rule and had sex with him because everything felt so good. It was.
But then I started doubting everything. I got confused. ‘He was so sweet during the sex, why hasn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend yet? Maybe he thought it was terrible, or that I was terrible, maybe he noticed my used body and it disgusted him’. Lets just say, I was driving myself crazy. He is a very closed person so I wasnt sure (never really talked about my problems with him besides telling him that I’m in therapy and stuff) if I could be open with him. So I decided to ask him. He said yes, but I guess that’s were everything changed.

To sum it up, he broke it off like a week ago with a lame-ass excuse. Yesterday I talked to him and said I couldn’t be just friends with him as he wanted. I really didn’t understand how he could sleep with me and then just dump me.
He obviously didn’t see my point, which I can understand cause in my mind things can go very quickly, things can trigger etc. But I also felt he wasn’t trying to understand.
I did ask him the questions I needed to know before breaking all contact. It was very painful, they didn’t even make sense. Like how he doesn’t like my smoking? Well.. we met on a dating site and it said there that I smoke. We even talked about it before we met?! I feel like he’s pointing all those things out just to give himself a reason. One thing he said was that he’s more someone who likes to be surprised by life and stuff and that I need certainty. Well that’s true.. He’s not able or wiling to give that to me and that I can accept.
But the way everything went is just so painful. He said to me ‘after the first time sex, the tension wears of and people relax more and then you really get to know the other person, sometimes it just doesnt click’ are you serious???? You have to freaking sleep with someone to get to know the other person? Well I don’t? I really DONT understand that and it hurts that I feel like I really trusted him, too much. I expected too much. I’ll never get the normal answers, or the answers that will satisfy me. It’s not that I don’t want to hear anything negative, it’s that this doesn’t make sense to me. So then the thoughts come back like ‘yeah im used shit, nobody wants that’. Ok.. positive again.
Anyhow after a night of crying and feeling like shit I decided I didn’t have the time for time to heal my wounds. I’m in a hurry. So I visited healmybrokenheart.com and did the quiz and now I’m doing the lessons.
Yeah, it definitely still hurts but not as much as last night. I can’t even begin to explain how that felt. I described it to him as if I was ran over by a train, but somehow my outside was still intact. I felt terrible. No one there to comfort me like I wanted.. a hug or something.

Still the questions wonder in my mind. What is the truth? Yeah, I’ll never know. I’m defintely not willing to talk to him now or in the near future. I’m too full of emotion and not able to be an adult about it and probably let my emotion speak.
I do realize if he acts like this and (yeah im gonna bring it up again) says that sex is something that tells you if you fit, I dont even want to be with him. Yeah I like him, no.. I like who I thought he was. He now just seems like a cold person, made of stone.. youre gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul… Its the hurt talking right?

Its just really on my mind. Trying to understand, trying to deal with it (the pain mostly). I am positive I will find someone who wil be right for me. I am glad that it became clear quite quickly that he wasn’t. But why does it hurt then? It should be logical, he’s not right for me, ok bye bye. But my hearts acting stupid. Like, what is your problem? Youre asking to get hurt. Youre not even trying to protect yourself. < talking to my heart btw.

However, I found my trigger situations about him. Those are the late evenings/nights and I think I’m doing quite well, Cause im not watching my phone to see if he texted me. I know he wont. I dont want him to. Well maybe I do.. but then that he’d say something like ‘Im sorry’, it would make me feel better. Wouldnt change a thing though.. but just a little emotion from him. But thats too much to ask for.

Its not a bad guy, its really just the hurt talking. I know he’s more good than bad and that he didn’t try to hurt me intentionally.. but he did hurt me. (and isnt even trying to understand that he hurt me.. God, I’m getting angry again :/ )
Live and let live right, I dont want to hurt him, It wouldnt make me feel better, I think it’d make me feel worse. I just wish…. yeah wish… someone was here, to hold my hand through this all. To hug me. To tell me I’m doing okay, and that I’ll be fine. Someone who I can be honest with. But I got to do it on my own. I got to learn ‘self-consilation’, and that’s what I’m doing now. Fix myself. Talk to myself. Tell myself it’ll be alright. Tell myself I’m an okay person. See the positive in me.

So I wanna end this drama-blog with some positivity. I’m going to bed anyways, its past midnight here and I have to be at therapy tomorrow at 9am.

Why would someone want me?
– I do have a sense of humor
– My laugh is funny
– I can be super excited about something tiny
– I have a warm heart, a lot to give, and I’ll give a lot if you ask me to and treat me well
– I’m creative
– I’m open. (This may be seen as something negative, but I personally dont, because I really want to work things out by talking about it. I do realize that makes me one of those talk-woman, but whats wrong with that? Why wouldn’t you want to talk? That I want to talk, means that I care, and I dont feel right when something between us doesn’t feel right.)
– I’m openminded
– I’m a good listener and give advice
– I’m not afraid of confronting people and give my opinion if I think that will help them further
– I’m honest
– When I give.. I’ll give 200%, I’ll have your back even when you did something that was wrong.

Damn, I gotta stop or my head will explode 😉

I’m a good person. I’m not bad, naughty or a whore. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.

xoxo
Brianna