I’m struggling a lot with finding the balance back in my daily life.
Yesterday I had therapy and a talk with Betty, it was.. weird. Anyhow, I’m exhausted.
I know I can regulate my stuff with sleep a lot.
For instance I am very confused (with time especially, days aren’t logical anymore, I forget a lot, I’m getting more dissociative).  Yesterday after therapy I slept about 4 hours.

This morning I was awake at 9 am. I slept again from about noon till 4 pm and probably will sleep again early. It’s the only way I know I can try to get some balance back.
And to be honest, sleep is also the only way to keep Brenda calm. It’s not that she’s very upset right now, but if she is, I just need to go to bed, stuff security blanket against my mouth and I’ll get calm and fall asleep eventually.

I guess I’m a bit (understatement) bothered that I need this much time to find the balance back. And to be honest… I wish I could get a hug. That someone was there to hug me. To maybe even sleep next to me. That I could fall asleep in someone’s arms. Next to someone’s warmth.

Right now I’m regulating my tiredness on my own. Finding the balance on my own. Which of course is a good thing, but being the dependent one I am, I long for someone to be with me.


Beyond tired


I’m exhausted.
But that’s quite logical if you look at the past days I’ve had. Sunday the first time at work > was very hectic. Then I had maybe 5 hours of sleep, then on  my way to therapy. Where I got huge news, which made me cry and the whole stuff (actually I must have cried 4 times Monday).

So today, I’m tired.

Thinking to myself…what do I need right now? I need rest! 🙂
So I’m taking everything slow. No need to do anything.

I am going outside at 5 pm because I am able to get some free legal advice, which I really want one something. But I choose to do that, I am not forced to. So again, the decision is up to me.
And then again, if I am too tired, I can still decide not to go.

It feels good being in control and taking care of my needs.


Forcing myself to have some contact


As much as I’m smiling to the world outside, I’m not on the inside.

I really feel like hiding. No coming out until I feel better.
Today I woke up pretty early, but left my bed at 4.15 pm, just because I was feeling ok enough to move to the living room. I spend all the hours feeling desperate, not knowing what to do. Not even sure what I was feeling!

How can I describe what was wrong? I don’t know. I definitely felt empty.. hollow, alone. But I didn’t want any contact.

I did want a hug.

Despite all my feelings of ‘leave me alone’, I reached out to my bestie and told her how I was feeling (as best as I could) and talking to her did help a bit.

But right now I still feel terrible. I still feel like crying.  Like screaming. Like ‘PLEASE, SEE ME. HELP ME.’ But instead, I keep smiling at the people who want me to. The other ones I don’t even talk to, because I can’t smile.. I can’t fake. And they don’t bother starting the conversation. (It’s ok, there’s not much happy coming out of me anyway)

I want to apologize a hundred times to everyone, for not reaching out, for not helping, for not commenting or even liking, or even reading your blogs.

Polly cancelled our appointment today because she was having a crisis with another client. Understandable, but terrible timing.

I’m not okay. I am hurt by something, but I don’t know what. Therapy on Wednesday? Maybe. Well, it was pretty intense, so it could make sense. But just EVERYTHING. Please, can’t I just go into a dreamless sleep until this feeling goes away?




Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem


and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME. Unlike you 
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have  FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size zero) WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me  ‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.



Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.


Acting like a child


Sorry, sorry, sorry. Again, kinda pity and negative. I’m trying to kick my own ass to turn it around. Might be a little triggering as well! 

Everything in me screams ‘NO! I don’t want to feel, go away. I hate you. Help me. I can’t do it alone. I CANT DO IT ALONE. I NEED YOU. Help me. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel bad. I feel terrible. I want this to go away RIGHT NOW. You need to take this away RIGHT NOW. If not I will scream and cry till you will. You must. You need. You are obligated to. HELP ME. I wont let you go till you help me. I am gonna hold your leg till you help me. I can’t do it alone. Really not. Help me. Carry me. Hold my hand. Never let me go.’

Yeah…. I hate you too Brenda. I see the ridiculousness about this. It’s really stupid. I am an adult. Stop acting like that!! Shut the peep up and go away. Jesus. I am honest, I don’t want to feel as well. But she’s just makes it sooo difficult to stay positive and hold on and endure. Because she makes me whiny and hopeless. She is the weak part of me.

Yep, to be honest. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling.
Yes, I’m so hurt. But by what? I don’t even know? It’s this pain around my chest from the inside, but mentally you know.. with every breath I take I feel it. I feel crushed from the inside. Yeah.. my chest. Feel like crying.

I’m going to stop focussing on my body now, because I can’t handle that for too long. My mind will shut my body out and it can take forever for me to move again.

So I have to continue to go on in my head. Sorry, but this makes me so pissed as well. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this stuff? What is the ‘right’ thing to do? I can’t call the treatment because there is crisisteam/emergency-backup nurse and psychiatrist are available, but for crisis. But yeah, if I continue like this, I might end in a crisis. And you know it makes me SO tired. So tired to be this emotional the whole day. Not just emotional, but also my emotion swings from left to right. And then just have these intense down moments, and feel this pain and I don’t even know why. I only know everything in me naturally fights to get it out. To stop it. I have to let it be. It’s like I have a battle IN SIDE MY HEAD. Me versus Brenda. And she’s so annoying. Whine this. Whine that. SHUT UP. It’s not helping anyone to be so whiny.
but I have to endure….. so I can’t distract unless I’m at my limit. Where is my limit. Jesus, why can I only talk to miss Betty once every 2 weeks.I mean, am I supposed to freaking do the rest alone. Yeah, cause magically I’m supposed to know all this stuff. YEAH IM DEMANDING. If she doesn’t like it, she can slap me in the face. I’d love for her to do that. Come on, slap me. Hit me. Kick me. Pull my hear. Yell at me. Curse at me. Come on… I know you want to. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, I want someone to hit me. Then it makes sense for me to feel like this I guess. But come on, hit me. Kick me. HURT ME.

I CANT COPE. The tension is ALL OVER my freaking body. In my arms, I feel the need to sway my arms and legs all around. Sitting still and calm does NOT feel good.

Driving myself insane like this.

I’m so sorry. And I am so ashamed of myself. That this is me. That I’m actually thinking this. That I’m actually writing this. I am ashamed of being me. I feel like a disappointment. Like a fail.
This is NOT meant as pity! I truly feel this. And to be honest… you must understand why, right? Seeing how I’ve been falling down and standing up the last 2 months? Understand that the constant falling down may be a part of the road, but it doesn’t make me feel better about myself. On the contrary, it makes me hate myself. Feel disgusted by myself. Look down on myself. Why can’t I just act NORMAL?

Don’t even know how to end this post.

I’m sorry.

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue..

Hi everyone,

This is going to be a short one as well.
Just wanted to write about that I’m doing better now. I am ashamed of my behaviour 😦 I really am.. I’m so sorry for the people who got hurt by it.
Had therapy today, which was intense but good. Saw Betty very quick, and she gave me feedback on my evaluation from a few weeks ago, and said ‘this is old stuff, I do feel like we’re more on the same page now’. So I’m glad about that.
I went with what I needed for now, which is my security blanket :$ +  a normal blanket. I feel ok with it 🙂
Tomorrow I have to be at 9.50 AM at the doctors for my uterus, which is scary but I’m strong enough and I have a voice so I can speak up. if I don’t feel right with her looking, I don’t have to let her. She wont be able to see anything anyway.
I can do this 🙂 !


Ps. My own doctor is a male, but I spoke with the assistant and she said I should go to the female. The assistant is very nice and sweet, she is very supportive and isn’t judgemental about all the times I’ve come because of self harm. So I decided to go, with her advice, to the female doctor.